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5 Signs You're a Metrosexual

Updated on October 3, 2011

If you know me even a little bit, you're probably well familiar with my philosophy regarding metrosexuals and their contribution to the systematic demise of masculinity as we know it. Correction: as we knew it. Cos we don't really know it these days, do we? What with superstar sportsmen like Becks running round the football pitch with cutesy, little girl ribbons in his hair, we're being fed an evolutionized image of the human male -- one who makes Pee Wee Herman look more than a bit butch. It's a pandemic situation, really and if you're not entirely sure what a metrosexual is, these five signs ought to give you a clue.

You think Phillips and Flathead are television brand names.

Don't get me wrong, I don't expect every manly man to know how to build a log cabin with his bare hands. But I do expect you to know at least as much about tools as I do. Does that sound sexist? Oh dear, you're not going to start whining about it, are you...?

You whine like a little girl.

So the chef isn't willing to prepare something special that's not the on the menu; do you really need to start whinging about it? So they don't have a full-serve station in the town you're holidaying in, and you'll have to actually touch the pump yourself; do you really need to whinge about it? So the soda the waitress just brought you has one too many ice cubes; do you really need to act like a princess? Only if you're a tosser!

You view your girlfriend as competition.

Do you feel as though you need to look as good or better than your girlfriend at all times? Do you eye her clothes and makeup with envy? Do you see what she's wearing before you even notice her? If you've answered yes, you're a metro.

You get your nails done more frequently than I do.

It's one thing to keep your nails in order -- it's another to pop into your local salon for a proper manicure. Yes, long raggedy nails are a turn-off; but so is that glossy coat of clear of nail polish that you think we can't spot from a mile away. If you really want to keep your nails in good condition, that's fine. It's great, even. But please don't expect women to think it's normal for you to have better polished nails than she does.

You use girlie products in the bath.

Do you use body scrubs, bubble bath, jelly soaps, pumice stones and other products one might expect to find in a woman's bathtub? While not all of these things indicate metrosexualism, all of them together in the same bathroom surely do!


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