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Extra Marital Affairs - Dealing With the Deceit

Updated on January 12, 2015

Secret love

An affair is like those explosives placed on bridges in strategic spots to demolish old ones and make way for new ones.Extramarital affairs are relationships outside of marriage where an illicit romantic or sexual relationship or a romantic friendship or passionate attachment occurs.It could be a one night stand which could lead to regret or one that will convert to serious affair decked with emotional entanglements.

The ability to pursue serial and clandestine extra marital affairs whilst safeguarding the secrets and conflict of interest inherent in the practice, requires skill in deception and duplicitous negotiation. Even in cases where a person wants to put an end to his or her illicit affair, it becomes complicated if the partner within the extra marital affair has a firm grip over the concerned person either emotionally or for other conveniences refuses to comply with him or her walking out of the affair.Cheating on someone is not an easy thing to decide to do.

Marriages have their ups and downs and often times during the down periods spouses are very vulnerable.Most people having an affair aren't happy in their marriage and instead of trying to work things out with their partner they look for satisfaction outside, which only leads to lies and empty promises. Affairs can be exhilarating, exciting, passionate and romantic but the lust affair is often short-lived, and passion can slide downhill pretty fast as the excitement declines or underground emotional issues surface again.Often people have an affair to fill a void in their own marriage or partnership, whether it’s companionship, romance or sex. sometimes extra marital affair is seen as a life-style choice; an option for men and women yearning for excitement or intimacy that's lacking or has dulled during their marriage.When partners get listening ears and shoulders to cry on outside of the existing relationship, it provides temporary relieve towards their unappreciative partners.

However, before you rush into starting an affair, you need to think properly. Affairs inevitably hurt someone and frequently they hurt all the parties involved including children, if there are any. No matter how skilled you are, keeping affairs discreet can be hard at the best of times especially when emotions are involved, believe me, its usually hot and spicy in the beginning but generally dies down with time except in rare cases when they turn out to be lifelong relationship like Prince Charles and Camilla (remember she had always being in the background despite Lady Diana's marriage to the Royal dynasty). At the end, Lady Diana became the victim in an attempt to find happiness outside of her marriage. I am sure Tiger Woods experience remains fresh in our memories too.

There is no perfect marriage anywhere so you really need to ask yourself personal questions before engaging in extra marital affairs.

What does your family mean to you? Can you remedy the semi broken marriage and put the pieces together? What exactly do you desire out there? Fun, sex, companion, a listening ear, a shoulder to lean on or you simply want to be appreciated by your partner? I have heard things like 'I don't want to break up my family or leave my husband, who is a good partner in many ways, but I do want to be desired, admired, and excited, none of which has been happening in my marriage for a long time. The question is, can you discuss it? Can you create avenue for a heart to heart discussion? If both parties are genuinely sincere, I am sure it would work but believe me, it takes two willing souls. If your marriage is going through this phase the best thing you can do for yourself and your husband is to try talking honestly about your feelings, if that doesn't make any improvements then try counseling, then try laying it on the line and letting him know that if things don't improve you may feel compelled to go elsewhere. If you are genuinely unhappy in your marriage, leave with dignity before you lose everything this way.

Perhaps what you both need is just a break. This sometimes help to solidify a relationship. If you are apart and nothing seems to be missing in your life; on the contrary, you wish you do not have to go back, then something is definitely wrong and you both need to face it and deal with it.

Most partners fail to see the loneliness in the other party for selfish reasons owning to career or external family matters. At times sexual frustration can also tear relationships apart. In any relationship, you need to understand the expectations of both parties. Empathy is very essential in the success of any marriage, don't be selfish and self centered. It's unrealistic to expect someone to live the rest of her life in sexual frustration just to preserve the purity of a relationship.Its easier for men to flaunt illicit affair than it is for women hence most women endure to ensure they don't go astray and in most cases, they think of the home first.

However, if you have been involved in extra marital affairs and the wind blows, does that signify the end of the relationship? Sometime we make mistakes only to come to our senses and realize how foolish we have been. Yes, trust simply disappears and needs to be totally reconstructed if both parties are willing. When it comes to relationship, sometimes its 'never say never'. You may not realize how important you mean to each other until things go wrong. Forgiveness for the affair is a necessary part of saving your marriage, but it is a difficult step for most people. I must say that after having your trust betrayed, the hardest thing to imagine is ever being able to forgive your spouse and trust again.But, if you are willing, forgiveness is possible although not on a platter of gold, your partner MUST be willing and determined to earn your trust again.Learning how to forgive an affair takes a certain mindset, but you certainly need to have a good understanding of where the relationship was headed to begin rebuilding your reconstruction.

In all, the best approach is not to start any extra marital affairs. It is wrong and by definition against the concept of marriage. Rather than saying it can never happen, you should always think of the kind of person, situation and mood that could make you vulnerable and improve or add spice to your relationship. Remember, two wrongs can't make a right.


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      SoManyTears 3 years ago

      This is MY story… My husband and I have been incredibly happily married for 10 years (together 11). Lots of satisfying sex. Seriously, never a problem. Lots of fun times and a wonderful life together. Then a woman from his past moved 3 blocks away from us. She’d had a hard life and had just lost her husband to cancer. She herself was recovering from anal cancer and had to endure a colostomy bag. She was on disability, taking care of her sick elderly mother, raising her nieces 2 preteen kids and was extremely obese (over 300 lbs). My husband admitted that they had fooled around they were both in their teens, but he’d been a horrible alcoholic and never remembered having sex with her…only waking up next to her on a few occasions. I watched her walk past our house for nearly a year, ignoring my husbands suggestion to go walking with her for health purposes. I am thin, but needed to move more as heart disease runs in my family. When I did give in, my husband made a track in our pasture so that she and I could avoid traffic and walk safely. She came to walk with me daily for over a year. Shortly after she began frequenting our home, my husband began complaining of fatigue and back pain. This caused a considerable decline in our sexual relationship. Since he is in his 50′s and had a previous back injury, I didn’t think too much of it. Then, about a year later, he began finding fault with me and became argumentative. I asked why he was acting so different, but he had no answer. Well, one morning he asked me to teach him how to forward a YouTube video to his brother’s messages and BAM! I found a text between her and him. It said enough that I printed out the latest phone record. Just that month alone, there were 1997 texts! I looked back in the records and discovered a 15 month long affair with over 43,000 texts, 2,000 phone calls and 80 pictures! I was devastated. I heard the “We’re just friends” line from BOTH of them, but I found out otherwise. Seems this is the same woman he committed adultery with while he was married to his first wife 37 years ago. He also had sex with her behind several of his girlfriends backs. My husband has been sober for 25 years! He did this SOBER! They BOTH swear there was no sex this time because of me! However, he begged her for it constantly and asked her to come to the house when I wasn’t home. This sober man sent her pictures of his penis!! She has told me that she loves him, but he says he’s never loved her and loves me. As far as I can tell, they stopped contact one year ago, today, the day after they got caught. My world has been shattered. They told me it was just a game. He says he only wanted her to THINK he wanted her. Says he felt sorry for her. Then he tells me, when he brought up the subject of having an affair, she said “NO”, which pissed him off and made him try even harder to get her to say yes. I think it’s a bunch of bullshit! He says he can’t remember most of it and cannot come up with any reason why he did it. Yes, he started the whole thing. He can only say he just wanted to mess with her head. I do not understand! We live in a very small town and if you asked anyone who he’d ever mess around on me with…they ALL say her! What does this mean? He’s free to go, but he says he doesn’t want her and nothing they did was important to him. What? They never missed one day of communication in those 15 months. Every morning he texted her, “Good morning Sweetheart” and every night, “Goodnight, babe, sweet dreams”. He texted her while he and I were out on dates! He began to feel out his family by mentioning her to them. I think she meant something to him and still does! I don’t think I’ll ever heal from this! Why would a happily (he was!) married man let his past bring him down? Why would he cheat on most all his relationships with the SAME woman throughout his entire life? Why?