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Top Google Search with Humor: How To Cheat And Other Nonsense

Updated on February 10, 2014

As of yesterday there were 68,000,000 searches for derivatives of the question “how to cheat.” I’m not sure I have the words to describe how that makes me feel. At first glance I thought all the searches were by people trying to figure out how to have an affair but it turns out I was sadly (or happily) mistaken. Although many were about that particular type of cheating there were also a great number of other types of cheating that are of interest to our fellow humans.

Today I am going to save you the trouble of doing the searches and I am going to highlight the top six searches related to cheating. My hope is that none of you reading this really want to know how to cheat on your spouse. My goal is two-fold: I want to make sure I keep all of my friends dialed in on the insanity that surrounds you and secondly I want to give my unique slant on some of the searches, thereby ending once and for all these inquiries so maybe people will move on to more important things, like how to make chloroform or how to be. See my previous articles if you are confused by that last sentence.

HOW TO CHEAT IN FARMVILLE

So this is what we have come to as a species! Not only are there millions of you out there who play Farmville but now you want to know how to better your position in life by cheating at an online game. Makes one proud to be alive, doesn’t it?

I admit I have played this nonsensical game. When I was teaching in Oregon one-hundred miles from family and friends I would come home from a day in the classroom and let my brain go dead by playing Farmville. I would dutifully plant my crops and buy tractors and befriend fellow farmers and worry about my farm animals when the snow fell. For all I know the little critters died in a blizzard because I finally came to my senses and quit. I want to be perfectly clear on this next point: Not once did I consider cheating! Why would you want to? Are you trying to cheat the imaginary tax man out of his imaginary dollars? Are you trying to make it with the farmer’s daughter? Are you trying to cheat on the farmer’s daughter?

Shame on all of you!

HOW TO CHEAT AT MONOPOLY

I have no doubt whatsoever that these are the same people trying to cheat at Farmville! I do not want these people within a mile of my home! I do not want them dating my son and I don’t want them delivering pizza to my front door! Are we clear?

How do you even cheat at Monopoly? I guess if you are the banker you could slide some cash into your lap when your other brain dead friends aren’t looking. Maybe you could palm Boardwalk and slip it up your sleeve or do a little two-for-one shopping while others take a potty break. The biggest question I have is why would you want to? Has it come to this in your life, that you need to prove your worth by destroying the competition at Monopoly? That will really look good on your resume the day you decide to go out and get a real job instead of being a farmer on Farmville!

Again, shame on all of you!

HOW TO CHEAT ON YOUR SPOUSE

Yes, this is the number one search under how to cheat. This says so much about our world, doesn’t it? I’m talking about millions out there who are looking to the internet gods to help them break some pretty heavy vows. Can you say OMG?

I haven’t even begun! Can you imagine someone not knowing how to cheat? How difficult a concept is this? You find someone who is equally corrupt in their morals and you have intercourse. HELLO? What do they think cheat means? Are they looking for help in finding someone to cheat with? Match.com will handle that particular problem for them; no need to advertise to the world when you can narrow your scope using online dating.

Just for fun I’m going to leave you right now and see what happens when I actually do a search for this question. I’ll be right back!

Lo and behold, look what I found http://www.businessinsider.com/how-to-cheat-on-your-wife-2011-1. In this piece of fluff it suggests that the internet is the best way if you are determined to cheat and it also gives the suggestion that the best cheating partner is another married person because they have as much to lose as you do.

At this point I need a valium! On second thought I need two valiums! Oh hell, I’m an alcoholic; I can’t be turning to prescription drugs to blot out the absurdity of life. Let’s move on!

HOW TO CHEAT AND NOT GET CAUGHT

Supposedly these people know how to cheat but they are a little confused about how to hide it. They are a higher life form than the poor slobs who don’t even know how to cheat. These bewildered idiots are probably already knee-deep in the forbidden cotton and now can’t figure out how to protect the crops they worked so hard to cultivate.

Hold it! We need to do another search. Be right back again

This insightful article gives you the top ten ways to not get caught and I absolutely love the first suggestion: Do not bring your lover home with you! If you aren’t laughing right now then there is something seriously wrong with you. I can see Joe in Des Moines, Iowa reading that and thinking what a great suggestion! He was going to invite Peggy over for dinner with he and his wife but now maybe that isn’t such a good idea.

There are far too many Joes in the world and the inmates are starting to run the prison!

HOW TO CHEAT ON A DRUG TEST

You might be surprised to learn it is remarkably easy to cheat on a urine test. Believe it or not they have synthetic urine that you can buy over the counter in most cities. I know they have it available in Olympia where I live. It costs something like $20 and it comes in a bag. You have to strap it on your leg so it reaches the right body temperature before you go in for the drug test and it is damn near guaranteed to pass with flying colors.

How do I know this you ask? I’ve been around kids most of my life and kids grow up and learn these things. Besides, I’m an alcoholic and at AA meetings we always have our share of drug addicts and the stories I hear at meetings would curl your toes. This is one of the milder pieces of information I have gathered from AA meetings.

For those of you out there who have a drug test coming up I have just saved you the trouble of doing an online search. Don’t try to thank me; just send me fifty bucks after you get that job.

HOW TO CHEAT ON YOUR TAXES

You had to know this one was on my list. Cheating on taxes is a tradition in the United States, right? I’m assuming they do it in other countries as well. As long as you aren’t a waitress and deducting fifty-thousand dollars in itemized deductions the IRS won’t pay much attention to you. How do I know that? Simply because the IRS manages to miss quite a few cheaters in major corporations every year so I’m confident you can fudge fifty or a hundred dollars on those deductions.

What really bothers me about this search, though, is going online to get pointers on how to cheat the government. Did it never occur to these people that the government just might be checking out those websites to see who is seeking help in cheating? If I need advice about cheating on taxes I’m asking the guy who dreamed up the synthetic urine. Anybody that smart surely knows how to cheat the tax system.

SORRY FOLKS, WE ARE OUT OF TIME

I know, you’re disappointed that I’m done but we need to move on with our lives. I promise there will be another installment highlighting the absurdities around the world. Remember, these people are walking the same streets that you are walking. They might even live next door or quite possibly be someone you meet online.

If you suspect that one of these folks is going to be dating your son or daughter don’t even bother to ask for a drug test. We all know what a waste of time that would be.

2012 Bill Holland (aka billybuc)

Other reads of a humorous nature by billybuc:

http://billybuc.hubpages.com/hub/How-Do-I-Know-If-He-Likes-Me-and-Other-Nonsense

http://billybuc.hubpages.com/hub/How-To-Tie-A-Tie-And-Other-Nonsense

http://billybuc.hubpages.com/hub/How-To-Make-Chloroform-And-Other-Nonsense

Be honest now: Have you ever cheated at Monopoly?

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    • Levertis Steele profile image

      Levertis Steele 5 years ago from Southern Clime

      I am confused. I cannot figure you out! You are an alcoholic, yet, you call others "idiots" for the dumb things they do. You think that it is stupid and dishonest to cheat, yet, you give some "great" ways to cheat. I don't know if you are one of the cowboys who wears the black hat or the white one. It really does not matter because you are so right about what you have said.

      Guess what? If we search our souls long enough, we will discover that we all cheat in various ways. If you have wife, children, or other loving family, you cheated them when you fell for the bottle. I was the daughter of an alcoholic father. He is dead now, but I spent many days and nights crying and suffering for the problems that an alcoholic brought to our family. The only consolation I get from my relationship with my dad is that he was not physically abusive toward us children. I believe that he loved us but he was too weak and lacked the knowledge to know the damage that his dependency caused his family. Do not think that we did not love Dad dearly. We miss him terribly.

      This is a well-written hub with useful information. I voted up and interesting also. If I decide to do any ot this cheating, I do have a great source. Just teasing! Seriously, Thanks for sharing.

    • billybuc profile image
      Author

      Bill Holland 5 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Levertis, excellent points all. Of course we all cheat just as we all do silly things and stupid things in life. That is part of the joy of being human, our imperfections. I prefer to laugh at life and those with thick skins are under no obligation to read my hubs. I have devoted the rest of my life to loving others and helping those who reach out a hand for help. If that makes me someone with a black hat or a white hat makes no difference to me. I am at peace with the way I live my life for I know my goals are worthy of a good human being. My best to you and yours and thank you for your comments.

    • fpherj48 profile image

      Paula 5 years ago from Beautiful Upstate New York

      bill.....Oh brother, amigo, what a can of worms! The top 2 human vices I absolutely DEPLORE are "greed" and lying." Of course, one of the MANY offshoots to lying is.....yep, cheating (which doubles as an offshoot to greed) Isn't it fascinating and heartwarming how vices connect to one another? I get a fuzzy feeling all over.....sort of like, just before we puke.

      I'm well aware that being a more-moral-than-not, individual, is not at all popular in 2012. As with so many things, I believe I slept through the mass transition. I understand this sad state of the human race slowly crept up on us. I could have sworn I simply went to bed one Monday night and awakened Tuesday morning to a morally bankrupt nation.

      Speaking of HELLO?? "Good Morning, Paula, you ditzy broad, where the HELL you been?"

      Per my usual self, I was impersonating an ostrich. When I just cannot bear to FACE reality, I am ever so good at ignoring it. Bad habit. Repeatedly through out my younger years, my mother would say, "You need to take off those rose-colored glasses so you can see the brick wall, girl!" (I always thought that was a dumb thing for a woman named, Rose," to say) but we never argued with Rose.

      On the other hand...let's think, DEEP, here. Morals aside...let's just consider intelligence and good old-fashioned common sense. (Getting into self rspect & pride may be way too insane) Here is a rhetorical for everyone.....

      Just how friggan intelligent is it to: Marry the love of your life, dream of your wonderful future and growing old together, pool your talents and resources, buy a $200,000 love nest, have a boy for him and a girl for her, become attached to one another's families, establish yourselves in the community......and then, somewhere along the road, allow yourself to stray into the arms (& bed) of a total stranger, for approximately 30 minutes of passions of the flesh (ego-soothing, self-absorbed, forbidden excitement.....bull shit) that WILL ultimately lead to pouring a can of gas onto your HEAP of Life-Investments and flicking one match to it. POOF!

      it'a allllllllllllll gone. In it's place is heartache, broken dreams and promises, a bitter divorce, devastated children, sad family members, financial trauma, For Sale signs, wealthier Attorneys and SELF-LOATHING.....

      The only thing better than this would be to just blow your damned brains out....and skip the other stuff.

      Now that's smart. I have no idea what the hookers in Nevada charge.....but it has GOT to be cheaper than "cheating on your spouse!" How expensive can a piece of --- be?? Well, folks...if you really need the answer....go ahead, CHEAT.

      Oh, dear me, I've done it again...marathon commenting... but it feels sooooo good. Yeah, I know, that's what the cheater said. GOOD hub for V E N T I N G.

    • Sonya L Morley profile image

      Sonya L Morley 5 years ago from Edinburgh

      Isn't human nature fascinating! You know how to pick your subjects, great hub!

    • billybuc profile image
      Author

      Bill Holland 5 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Paula, as usual I'm laughing harder at your response than I did writing the hub. My dad used to get so pissed at me because I never appeared to take things seriously. He once told me I was too damn dumb to realize that things were bad once in awhile. Hell Paula, I realized it; I just didn't care!

      As for your venting, I have reserved space in my comment section just for you. In fact, I have reserved four comments for you alone for each hub I write, kind of like moving several tables together in a restaurant for a big group. It's all yours my dear so sharpen those fangs and claws and go for it. :) I am, after all, your vice president and as such my job is to smooth the road ahead for you and do the dirty work that needs to be done.

    • billybuc profile image
      Author

      Bill Holland 5 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Sonya, I think so! One of the readers took offense at this hub but I just find humor wherever I go. If we start with the premise that we are all imperfect and capable of doing something downright dumb on occasion then it takes the sting out of being human. Having said that....cheating at Farmville? That's just downright dumb! Thank you once again for always being here.

    • fpherj48 profile image

      Paula 5 years ago from Beautiful Upstate New York

      You might wanna give Joe Biden a call and clue him in? ya think?

    • billybuc profile image
      Author

      Bill Holland 5 years ago from Olympia, WA

      LOL...I will do that Paula! I'm quite certain he won't mind some words of advice from me.

    • DanaTeresa profile image

      Dana Strang 5 years ago from Ohio

      This really is a great one! Incredibly funny. And yet, not so funny when you think that there are actually people out there that want to cheat that badly, and others that want to help them.

      I have never played farmville, but I do play island paradise. Listening to ocean sounds while I move around little trees can be relaxing. Though I have been neglecting my crops since I have discovered hubpages. My poor fake farm animals are being neglected!

      Thanks again for another great read!

    • billybuc profile image
      Author

      Bill Holland 5 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Dana, I can understand Island Paradise; as you said the sound is much better than sheep and cows grunting. I am quite happy to be done with Farmville and I'm all played out on Monopoly. Now I have Google Search to keep me entertained. Thank you for the support.

    • im28beyond profile image

      Jazmine Llaguno 5 years ago from Cebu, Philippines

      Maybe cheat because they are bored with their lives and they want something new but don't want to be judged when caught. Now, on the game app sites, I'm no longer on Farmville but I am addicted to Yoville. Do you have one of those cheat sheets? hehehe

    • billybuc profile image
      Author

      Bill Holland 5 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Im28beyond, I have no doubt that there are cheat sheets for that game as well. Thank you for dropping by and I appreciate your comments.

    • teaches12345 profile image

      Dianna Mendez 5 years ago

      I hear kids all the time talk about getting on the cheat sites for their video games. Guess it's not really cheating because the games are designed to drive them online for marketing purposes. I think some of the above do the same. Thanks for posting this information with the added humor -- it is an enjoyable read. Voted up!

    • billybuc profile image
      Author

      Bill Holland 5 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Teaches, it is always a pleasure to hear from you and if I added some humor to your busy day then I am quite pleased. Thank you for always visiting so faithfully and have a wonderful day down South.

    • profile image

      KatrineDalMonte 5 years ago

      Haha Bill, I think nowadays there are manuals, books, advice, information, instructions etc. on how to cheat at almost anything in life. But how does it make one feel if they achieve something by cheating? How 'achieved' is that? More often than not it will backfire on them. To live life with honesty, simplicity, and grace is a way to go... This was a fun reading though :-)

    • billybuc profile image
      Author

      Bill Holland 5 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Katrine, thank you! I find humor in just about anything but I am growing tired of these hubs because there is an inherent sadness in these searches that bothers me. I will have to think on it some before writing any more of them. Thank you for your support my dear and have a marvelous weekend.

    • Levertis Steele profile image

      Levertis Steele 5 years ago from Southern Clime

      billybuc:

      I, too, prefer to laugh at life, and that is what I was doing when I commented on your hub. I detected a bit of displeasure in your voice in your response to me. I apologize if I insulted you. I did not mean to do that. I admit that I am tacky sometimes when it comes to choosing objects of humor. I could see your character clearly in your writing, and I liked it. If I thought that you were an awful person, I doubt if I would have written as much. I read your hub because it was truthful and good reading.

      I had an occasional drink when I was young, and I like myself, no, love myself. I believe that you love yourself and life, too. I could see that well enough and do not doubt your goodness. "I die daily," and my character is still in the grooming process.

    • billybuc profile image
      Author

      Bill Holland 5 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Levertis, I apologize. Shortly after reading your comments a few days ago I took a broadside negative comment from someone else. Promptly after that I responded to yours and I'm afraid you had to endure my unhappiness about someone else. Nothing I said was directed at you but rather people who would judge me without knowing me. I simply do not think HubPages is a place for negativity (again, I'm not talking about you). I have never been negative about another writer and I expect the same in return. I truly do appreciate you coming back and being gracious enough to comment further. Thank you!

    • Colleenmt profile image

      Colleenmt 5 years ago from Milwaukee, WI

      In regards to that piece on Business Insider about How to Cheat on your Spouse...you know, as a freelance writer I sometimes think I'd write about anything for money. Turns out, I wouldn't.

      Anyway, hilarious hub! :)

    • billybuc profile image
      Author

      Bill Holland 5 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Colleen, you had me laughing on that one. I agree, there are some lines you just don't cross no matter what the pay is. Thank you for stopping by and the chuckle!

    • EclecticFusion profile image

      Lisa 5 years ago from Tennessee

      Cheating in Farmville? That is stupid! I played it for about a year, but I haven't check my crops for months now! I'm sure they're still there!

      Thank you for this very humorous Hub! You get an A for Awesome, an F for Funny, and I also voted this up!

    • billybuc profile image
      Author

      Bill Holland 5 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Lisa my dear, thank you! I do enjoy reading about the different searches; I'm afraid my sarcasm strains to go unleashed when I do these hubs but I do have fun. Thank you!

    • tammyswallow profile image

      Tammy 5 years ago from North Carolina

      I see you have unleashed your mischeif. Very cute! Voting up and sharing!

    • Nights Dream profile image

      Michael Phoenix 5 years ago from Allentown, pa

      I love your thoughts on farmville! When I first started on f/b, I became very involved with it. Now, I can't figure out how I did. Yes, I did wish I could cheat on it so I could keep up with my friends. Sad, isn't it.

    • billybuc profile image
      Author

      Bill Holland 5 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Tammy, it would be very hard to keep it penned up for long. Thank you my friend!

    • billybuc profile image
      Author

      Bill Holland 5 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Nights Dream, I actually bought points once so I could catch up with one of my friends. That may be the low point of my life. :) thanks for dropping by and taking the time to comment.

    • profile image

      kelleyward 5 years ago

      This was great reading Billybuc! I've never cheated at Monopoly, at least that I can remember. It's amazing what's out there in cyberspace. Voted up and funny!

    • billybuc profile image
      Author

      Bill Holland 5 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Kelley, honestly, I've never cheated at a board game simply because I never cared enough to even consider it. I have played with people who take it mighty seriously but thankfully I'm not one of them. Thank you as always for stopping by; it's always nice to hear from you.

    • Eric Newland profile image

      Eric Newland 5 years ago from Dayton, Ohio

      Oh man, I'm sure I can think of a million more creative uses for synthetic urine than cheating on a dumb ol' drug test. Hmm, I wonder how "uses for synthetic urine" ranks? I could have a goldmine of a hub on my hands! Or at least something or other that's golden.

      Another entertaining look at the wacky world of online searches, as always, billybuc. :)

    • billybuc profile image
      Author

      Bill Holland 5 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Eric, I say go for it! I look forward to your hub on synthetic urine and have no doubt you will do it justice as only you can do. Thank you my friend!

    • Natashalh profile image

      Natasha 5 years ago from Hawaii

      Funny, as always. Who searches how to cheat at Monopoly? It's the world's must mundane board game! Voted up and funny.

    • billybuc profile image
      Author

      Bill Holland 5 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Natasha, have you published lately? I'll have to go check. Thank you my dear and to answer your question, hopefully I don't know anyone who cheats at Monopoly but evidently quite a few do.

    • cclitgirl profile image

      Cynthia Sageleaf 5 years ago from Western NC

      Whoa, billy, you sure did pick a popular "search" there! Wow! The comments are just as interesting (and funny) to read as your hub! Please, please shoot me if I have to strap a bag of fake urine to myself to pass a drug test. OMG...that's...oh lordy...I just would have to bang my head on something very hard if I ever had to stoop to that level, hehe. And that many people really do search for how to cheat at Monopoly? Oh geez, just move the hotels and rob the bank when your opponent goes to the bathroom. Hahaha. Funny and witty - as usual. :)

    • phdast7 profile image

      Theresa Ast 5 years ago from Atlanta, Georgia

      Terrific Hub. Incredibly well written and funny...and yet so terribly sad, actually, tragic that our society, the world I suppose, has sunk to this level.

      Thank God you kicked the Farmville habit. I was about to lose all respect for you. :)

    • bravewarrior profile image

      Shauna L Bowling 5 years ago from Central Florida

      While what you say is true, in that most people look for a way to cheat on something, I wonder: what on earth prompted your search? I love your government comment. Ya think Uncle Sam isn't watching?????

    • billybuc profile image
      Author

      Bill Holland 5 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Cyndi, these searches are quite entertaining to do. I always look forward to my next search online to see what my fellow human beings are up to...they never disappoint me. Have fun on that mini-farm and best of luck to you in the months ahead....and thank you my dear friend.

    • billybuc profile image
      Author

      Bill Holland 5 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Phdast7, that had me laughing. I certainly don't want to lose your respect for me. :) Bev and I quit playing Farmville about the same time and we have never been happier. Thank you!

    • Natashalh profile image

      Natasha 5 years ago from Hawaii

      I do have to admit that I try to distract people if I land on their space so they don't ask me to pay them rent...

      I haven't put anything up in a couple of days, but I have another knot hub in the workings (should be up tonight or tomorrow) and, in a couple of days, the second week of my bike efforts!

    • billybuc profile image
      Author

      Bill Holland 5 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Brave, I'm not sure what started these searches. I remember typing in "how to" and that started my first hub about "How To Tie a Tie" and the rest, as they say, is history. It became such a source of amusement for me that I just kept doing it.

    • billybuc profile image
      Author

      Bill Holland 5 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Natasha, sounds good. I look forward to your next work....I love the part about distracting people so you don't have to pay rent. Seems to me that does not qualify as cheating but just using your natural intelligence. :)

    • uzma shaheen profile image

      Uzma Shaheen Bhatti 5 years ago from Lahore,Pakistan

      how much we love to cheat, ah!human nature. liked your hub.

    • billybuc profile image
      Author

      Bill Holland 5 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Uxma shaheen....human nature indeed! I appreciate you dropping by and taking the time to comment.

    • slackermom profile image

      Lisa Palmer 5 years ago from Attapulgus GA

      Too funny...

    • billybuc profile image
      Author

      Bill Holland 5 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Slacker, I'm glad you enjoyed it, but all the credit goes to those around you who are doing these searches. :) I'm just the reporter!

    • DanaTeresa profile image

      Dana Strang 5 years ago from Ohio

      Just had a good chuckle. I went to google and typed in "Why do I". Just to see if perhaps the universe had some insight into me that I was unaware of.... Since reading your Funny Google searches I will occasionally do a search of my own to lift my mood. I will leave the writing about the results up to you. No one could do it better. Thanks for the great fun!

    • billybuc profile image
      Author

      Bill Holland 5 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Dana, when I'm having a slow day or even a down day I do one of these searches and suddenly I am uplifted and happy. Strange how that works. :) I'm glad you enjoyed the journey through my mind. Have a wonderful evening my friend.

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