Top Google Search with Humor: How To Cheat And Other Nonsense

As of yesterday there were 68,000,000 searches for derivatives of the question “how to cheat.” I’m not sure I have the words to describe how that makes me feel. At first glance I thought all the searches were by people trying to figure out how to have an affair but it turns out I was sadly (or happily) mistaken. Although many were about that particular type of cheating there were also a great number of other types of cheating that are of interest to our fellow humans.

Today I am going to save you the trouble of doing the searches and I am going to highlight the top six searches related to cheating. My hope is that none of you reading this really want to know how to cheat on your spouse. My goal is two-fold: I want to make sure I keep all of my friends dialed in on the insanity that surrounds you and secondly I want to give my unique slant on some of the searches, thereby ending once and for all these inquiries so maybe people will move on to more important things, like how to make chloroform or how to be. See my previous articles if you are confused by that last sentence.

HOW TO CHEAT IN FARMVILLE

So this is what we have come to as a species! Not only are there millions of you out there who play Farmville but now you want to know how to better your position in life by cheating at an online game. Makes one proud to be alive, doesn’t it?

I admit I have played this nonsensical game. When I was teaching in Oregon one-hundred miles from family and friends I would come home from a day in the classroom and let my brain go dead by playing Farmville. I would dutifully plant my crops and buy tractors and befriend fellow farmers and worry about my farm animals when the snow fell. For all I know the little critters died in a blizzard because I finally came to my senses and quit. I want to be perfectly clear on this next point: Not once did I consider cheating! Why would you want to? Are you trying to cheat the imaginary tax man out of his imaginary dollars? Are you trying to make it with the farmer’s daughter? Are you trying to cheat on the farmer’s daughter?

Shame on all of you!

HOW TO CHEAT AT MONOPOLY

I have no doubt whatsoever that these are the same people trying to cheat at Farmville! I do not want these people within a mile of my home! I do not want them dating my son and I don’t want them delivering pizza to my front door! Are we clear?

How do you even cheat at Monopoly? I guess if you are the banker you could slide some cash into your lap when your other brain dead friends aren’t looking. Maybe you could palm Boardwalk and slip it up your sleeve or do a little two-for-one shopping while others take a potty break. The biggest question I have is why would you want to? Has it come to this in your life, that you need to prove your worth by destroying the competition at Monopoly? That will really look good on your resume the day you decide to go out and get a real job instead of being a farmer on Farmville!

Again, shame on all of you!

HOW TO CHEAT ON YOUR SPOUSE

Yes, this is the number one search under how to cheat. This says so much about our world, doesn’t it? I’m talking about millions out there who are looking to the internet gods to help them break some pretty heavy vows. Can you say OMG?

I haven’t even begun! Can you imagine someone not knowing how to cheat? How difficult a concept is this? You find someone who is equally corrupt in their morals and you have intercourse. HELLO? What do they think cheat means? Are they looking for help in finding someone to cheat with? Match.com will handle that particular problem for them; no need to advertise to the world when you can narrow your scope using online dating.

Just for fun I’m going to leave you right now and see what happens when I actually do a search for this question. I’ll be right back!

Lo and behold, look what I found http://www.businessinsider.com/how-to-cheat-on-your-wife-2011-1. In this piece of fluff it suggests that the internet is the best way if you are determined to cheat and it also gives the suggestion that the best cheating partner is another married person because they have as much to lose as you do.

At this point I need a valium! On second thought I need two valiums! Oh hell, I’m an alcoholic; I can’t be turning to prescription drugs to blot out the absurdity of life. Let’s move on!

HOW TO CHEAT AND NOT GET CAUGHT

Supposedly these people know how to cheat but they are a little confused about how to hide it. They are a higher life form than the poor slobs who don’t even know how to cheat. These bewildered idiots are probably already knee-deep in the forbidden cotton and now can’t figure out how to protect the crops they worked so hard to cultivate.

Hold it! We need to do another search. Be right back again

This insightful article gives you the top ten ways to not get caught and I absolutely love the first suggestion: Do not bring your lover home with you! If you aren’t laughing right now then there is something seriously wrong with you. I can see Joe in Des Moines, Iowa reading that and thinking what a great suggestion! He was going to invite Peggy over for dinner with he and his wife but now maybe that isn’t such a good idea.

There are far too many Joes in the world and the inmates are starting to run the prison!

HOW TO CHEAT ON A DRUG TEST

You might be surprised to learn it is remarkably easy to cheat on a urine test. Believe it or not they have synthetic urine that you can buy over the counter in most cities. I know they have it available in Olympia where I live. It costs something like $20 and it comes in a bag. You have to strap it on your leg so it reaches the right body temperature before you go in for the drug test and it is damn near guaranteed to pass with flying colors.

How do I know this you ask? I’ve been around kids most of my life and kids grow up and learn these things. Besides, I’m an alcoholic and at AA meetings we always have our share of drug addicts and the stories I hear at meetings would curl your toes. This is one of the milder pieces of information I have gathered from AA meetings.

For those of you out there who have a drug test coming up I have just saved you the trouble of doing an online search. Don’t try to thank me; just send me fifty bucks after you get that job.

HOW TO CHEAT ON YOUR TAXES

You had to know this one was on my list. Cheating on taxes is a tradition in the United States, right? I’m assuming they do it in other countries as well. As long as you aren’t a waitress and deducting fifty-thousand dollars in itemized deductions the IRS won’t pay much attention to you. How do I know that? Simply because the IRS manages to miss quite a few cheaters in major corporations every year so I’m confident you can fudge fifty or a hundred dollars on those deductions.

What really bothers me about this search, though, is going online to get pointers on how to cheat the government. Did it never occur to these people that the government just might be checking out those websites to see who is seeking help in cheating? If I need advice about cheating on taxes I’m asking the guy who dreamed up the synthetic urine. Anybody that smart surely knows how to cheat the tax system.

SORRY FOLKS, WE ARE OUT OF TIME

I know, you’re disappointed that I’m done but we need to move on with our lives. I promise there will be another installment highlighting the absurdities around the world. Remember, these people are walking the same streets that you are walking. They might even live next door or quite possibly be someone you meet online.

If you suspect that one of these folks is going to be dating your son or daughter don’t even bother to ask for a drug test. We all know what a waste of time that would be.

2012 Bill Holland (aka billybuc)

Other reads of a humorous nature by billybuc:

http://billybuc.hubpages.com/hub/How-Do-I-Know-If-He-Likes-Me-and-Other-Nonsense

http://billybuc.hubpages.com/hub/How-To-Tie-A-Tie-And-Other-Nonsense

http://billybuc.hubpages.com/hub/How-To-Make-Chloroform-And-Other-Nonsense