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Cheating Spouse

Updated on December 18, 2015

I was twenty-six when we got married; he several months younger. We'd hooked up years earlier and had been living together.

I was attracted to his kindness and gentleness with me. He rubbed my feet, he made me laugh and I needed a good friend in my life. The sexual attraction and love came later for me.

Love them or hate them, relationships come and they go. It was a good match. We shared many years of really great times together.

We thought that we would be together until one of us passed. It wasn’t to be. He cheated and chose the other woman. The signs were there; going out and pretending to be with the boys, dressing sharp to hang out with friends, talking differently and the every day niceties that had been customary were gone. Ladies we know when a man is cheating because he just starts behaving differently. Who’s he really fooling anyway?

There were no long tearful explanations or goodbyes. He wanted out and I gave it to him. After fifteen years of marriage it was over.

Friends have asked me why I didn’t fight for my marriage. My answer is that I had to fight for me. He was going to be alright because he had someone new in his life. I had to save myself. He’d already made his decision and I had no intention of running after him.

I’m not trying to sound tough or anything. I felt the pain, the hurt, the disillusionment, the disbelief, and the rage. As a woman, when someone leaves you, you feel unworthy as if you aren’t good enough, unattractive and your self confidence and self esteem are shot to hell. The feelings are all so intense and powerful when you're going through this hell.

You see in a relationship, the woman tends to get so wrapped up in the family that she forgets about herself. I’m not saying that it’s wrong but it’s not good for you either. My story is not unique except that it’s about me.

I lost weight and looked scrawny and terrible for awhile. Rage had been inside of me eating my core with my permission. I had to take care of myself.

When a man wants to go, ladies, don’t fight him and beg him to stay. Keep your self respect. You were good for him in the past but a new beginning is here for you too. Let him go. It’s really not about you (his wanting to leave). He's moved on. He has to grow, learn and make changes and so do you.

What Did I Learn?

What did I learn in this relationship? Every relationship is here to teach us something.

I gave up who I am to be with him. Ok, it didn’t happen overnight. It’s a slow process. I gave in, I settled, I compromised and all to keep the peace and the relationship going. It’s a part of who we are as women. We are the mothers and peacemakers of the world.

I gave of myself in unhealthy ways; in ways that violated my boundaries. I didn’t respect myself and do for me. I forgot about myself and took care of everyone else. Sound familiar? I needed to work on me too and to be good to myself. I needed outside activities that made me shine for me and something that I was passionate about.

Yeah, you love someone but he or she cannot be everything to and for you. This path that we’re all on is a journey with bumps, big and small and some smooth ground as well along the way. Every little step of it brings us closer to who we are and what we are here for.

Relationships are togetherness times that teach us about ourselves. You learn the lessons and grow or you repeat them in another relationship until you get it.

This breakup is the best thing that could have happened to me. Oh, I didn't believe it at first. I'd been fighting it in my mind. I wouldn't, couldn't and didn't know how to let go. Letting go is so hard for me to do. It makes me vulnerable.

The fears are the hardest part of letting go; the fear of being alone and not finding someone else. When you keep holding on to the past you can't see what's before you. You miss people and opportunities that are right in front of you.

So, finally I am flying without the safety net. I can see my strengths for the first time. I am strong, resilient, loving and caring. I am so much more, that I don’t need to categorize myself. I can see who I am and possibly where I want to go. Oh, I don’t have all of the answers but who does. I’m learning and growing along the way. I’m scared, terrified, stressed, excited, exhilarated, happy, worried and totally financially strapped at the moment.

Hey, I can’t stay there forever. Things change and so will I and my circumstances too. I have angels watching over me and I am forever loved and blessed.

Have you or a partner ever had an affair?

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© 2009 Chris Eddy111


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    • Chris Eddy111 profile image

      Chris Eddy111 8 years ago from Ontario, Canada

      Micky Dee~ Hugs are great aren't they? Well spiritually I can feel that hand holding and hug so thank you. We are spirit and can go anywhere, lol. It's good to have someone like you Micky Dee who is true and loving around me. Thank you so much for the love that you share.

    • Micky Dee profile image

      Micky Dee 8 years ago

      Chris Eddy- I was just messing around. I wanted to say I love you one more time on one of your hubs. You and Callmefoxxy are such a trip! You and I may never meet outside hubworld. I do love you Chris Eddy. How could anyone not? Thanks for being in this hubpage thingy dingy. I'm a hundred years old or so. I'm way past up close relationships I'm pretty sure. I do enjoy your writing. I do love your heart! I wish I could hug you and hold your hand! Thank you Dear.

    • Chris Eddy111 profile image

      Chris Eddy111 8 years ago from Ontario, Canada

      ralwus~ Thank you. The going is slow because I'm new to everything. Believe me, I am definitely in no rush but I do miss the touch of a hand, a hug etc. Thanks for your thoughts.

    • profile image

      ralwus 8 years ago

      Well good for you. Step on out and find life again and do take care of yourself too. He's out there somewhere for you if you want him, just a mater of hookin' up with him where ever whomever he is. Have fun now and don't be in no hurry, shop around.

    • Chris Eddy111 profile image

      Chris Eddy111 8 years ago from Ontario, Canada

      mamahops~ Thanks for your support especially as a woman and a mom. Remember to look after yourself too. Experience is the best teacher.

    • profile image

      mamahops 8 years ago

      What an enpowering hub - I admire you're strength and sense of self. It is so important in a relationship to remember who you are, not just let that other person be who you are. Thanks for sharing.

    • Chris Eddy111 profile image

      Chris Eddy111 8 years ago from Ontario, Canada

      rosariom~ Girl, I know that you will eventually find peace. It's a constant battle in your mind but tell it good things about you. Don't listen when you hear the negative chatter, override it with positivity. Thank you for being there as well. I wish the best for you too.

    • rosariomontenegro profile image

      rosariomontenegro 8 years ago from NEW YORK

      Hi Chris Eddy111,

      You are my first fan in the HubPages, and I'm dropping by for the first time. I didn't have time before, I started on these pages only hours ago as you know, and it's not so simple, although it looks like a very excellent way of communication.

      Thank you for sharing your experience, you are brave to be able to tell us such painful memories. I hope you are going to find an activity that is going to take you out of your momentary financial strapping. I hope that when you feel ready you will meet some sweet gentleman with whom to share your life.

      In the meantime we are all in this new universe of friendship through the internet ... such novelty! But then, before Marco Polo, before Columbus, before trains, before planes, before the telegraph, the telephone ..... who could dream of the next step? We are lucky to have this almost unlimited freedom of communication.

      Thank you for being there and best to you!

    • Chris Eddy111 profile image

      Chris Eddy111 8 years ago from Ontario, Canada

      Lee~ Ahhhh, that's so sweet. Thanks.

      AMax~ Blushing here!! Thank you. I've never read the book but I'll check it out.

    • AdinusMaximus profile image

      AdinusMaximus 8 years ago from Asia

      You're a gem of a woman. You're like a prized-fighter, always slugging it out, always getting up when knocked down. You must have a very, very nice looking garden in the Garden of Souls by now. Have you read the book "Walking in the Garden of Souls" by George Anderson and Andrew Barone by chance? It's good reading - very insightful.

    • profile image

      Leed 8 years ago

      Wow! Blessed be... stay strong, fly high, dream pure and continue to love yourself. You are a wonderful woman and don't you ever let anyone take that away from you.