What Are the Signs in an Abusive Relationship?
For more information:
Domestic Abuse and Domestic Violence
Domestic abuse. Domestic violence. What’s the difference? Domestic abuse is known as spousal abuse. In domestic abuse, one of the partners will dominate the relationship through control and use of power. When physical violence is used to control and dominate the other person and the relationship, is known as domestic violence.
Domestic abuse goes unreported, unnoticed and can even be denied by the abused. There are several forms of abuse, which include physical, emotional, psychological and financial. Regardless of the type of abuse, all these are linked to each other as side effects of the others. In the end, all forms of abuse leave deep scars that take a long time to heal.
There is no specific profile for an abuser. An abuser can be either male or female. An abuser can be of any financial status level, religious background, ethnic background, and of any sexual orientation. Abusers and domestic violence are non-discriminatory. In this article, “he” can be used interchangeably with “she” and is not being used in any discriminatory fashion.
The abuser is the one in the relationship who uses physical force, guilt, shame, and threats to keep control over his partner. The abuser may go as far as threatening others that the abused loves, such as children or other family members, in order to keep a level of fear in the abused as the underlying foundation of his control over her. The abuser does not abuse out of loss of control of his behaviour but rather through his own choice.
Let's Look at You
For someone who is already in an abusive relationship, the first step to getting help out of the situation is to recognize the symptoms of an abusive relationship. For someone who is not in one, then recognizing these symptoms will help prevent one from entering into such a relationship.
There are many signs of an abusive relationship. In all relationships, there are two people involved. There is you and your partner. As such, let’s discuss emotions and feelings that relate to you.
The easiest sign to recognize is fear. Are you afraid of your partner? Do you walk on egg shells when your partner is around? Are you afraid of doing/saying the wrong thing? Are you afraid to speak up for yourself? Do you do things to avoid a confrontation with your partner? Do you feel that you cannot do anything right for your partner? Do you feel that you “deserve” to be hurt or mistreated? Do you believe that your relationship is “normal” and that you are the crazy one to think that it is not? Do you feel mentally or emotionally numb or frozen? Are you afraid of your partner’s anger? Do you fear for your well being? If you answered “yes” to any of these questions, then the relationship you are in is unhealthy.
Let's Look at Your Partner
On the other hand, let’s discuss your partner’s behaviours. Your partner’s behaviour can be categorized into three categories. The first category relates to belittling behaviours. Does your partner yell at you? Does your partner humiliate you in front of friends, family or strangers? Does your partner negatively over-criticize you? Does your partner put you down? Are you embarrassed by his treatment when you are with family and friends? Are you embarrassed for your family and friends because of his treatment of you? Does he treat you as a sex object or toy? Does he treat you like a possession? Does he ignore your opinions? Does he put down your accomplishments? Does he blame you for the way that he behaves?
The second category relates to controlling behaviour on the part of your partner. Does he check up on you constantly throughout the day? Does he ask for a detailed account of your whereabouts? Does he isolate you from your family and friends? Does he control who you speak to and see? Does he limit your access to money? Do you need to ask to use the phone? Do you need to ask to drive the car? Is he obsessive and jealous over you? Does he allow you privacy?
The last category relates to your partners violent and abusive behaviour. Does he threaten to hurt or kill you? Does he threaten to hurt or kill your children? Does he threaten to hurt or kill himself? Does he have an unpredictable temper? Does he have a bad temper? Does he have a violent temper? Does he threaten to take your children away? Does he threaten to destroy your property? Does he destroy your belongings? Does he force you to have sex?
I've Answered, Now What??
The questions that have been posed can be used as a checklist for any indicative signs of being in an abusive relationship. An abusive relationship is an unhealthy relationship. In other words, this relationship will not benefit you in any way; rather, it is dangerous to your physical, emotional and financial health. RUN -- don’t walk -- away from this relationship.
Beth100
Copyright 2009
More information available at these sites:
- Abusive Relationships
Abuse has no place in love. Read this article to find out how to recognize the signs of abuse and how you can get help. - Domestic Violence and Abuse: Signs of Abuse and Abusive Relationships
Are you or someone you care about in an abusive relationship? Learn about domestic abuse, including the more subtle signs. - Effects of Domestic Violence | Joyful Heart Foundation
The mission of the Joyful Heart Foundation is to heal, educate and empower survivors of sexual assault, domestic violence and child abuse, and to shed light into the darkness that surrounds these issues.
I have written other hubs in relation to domestic violence but are not part of this week's HubMob. You will find the links here:
- Bullying - How to Recognize the Symptoms of a Victim
Bullying. Bullies. Abuse. Whether encountered in a work environment, home environment or school environment, bullying is bullying regardless of the setting. Bullying cannot be tolerated. While we hear many stories about bullying, or even lived throug - Violence Has a Voice
When I hear your voice, Warmth spreads through me When I see you before me A smile breaks across my face That was the beginning of us But now, it is only a memory When I hear your voice, My... - Let the Grey Clouds Roll In
Image Courtesy of: http://www.stockvault.net Photo by: sn4tch I dedicate this poem to my counsellors, mentors and coaches. Thank you for helping me see my potential. I also would like to dedicate this... - Looking In
I stand on one side of the glass, wondering Looking on, as if a stranger, never belonging My mind wonders, in and out of thoughts Ideas, memories all just streaming through Time meanders in my life,...
Category: Domestic Violence
Comments
Thank you for your kind words. It hurts but I understand and get it. I really appreciate you taking the time to respond. Without knowing me you seem to care...its appreciated. I will take the right steps to heal.
Until later (after some healing took place)
Thank you again.
Thank you for the quick response Beth100. I apologize for failing to mention we left (my child and I). A mandatory arrest has been made. The judge ordered a stay away order of protection and included everything you can think of even after pleading with the officers not to place an order of protection. There was no need for that. He won't come after me I just know it. This was a big mistake on his part and on my part too since I didn't do everything I could to prevent from this altercation to turn physically violent. Minus his anger issues, he is the man I want to end up spending the rest of my life with. He is a prince on all other means. We are in no danger any longer. However, I can't stop the missing him (not the angry him). My physical wounds are healing the bruises are slowly disappearing. But the missing him won't heal.
I wish there is a way to fix his anger issues. I'm sure he is deeply hurting for what he did. I'm sure he is honestly dreadfully remorseful. I wish there is a way to heal. I wish there is a way to save the good part of this relationship. If it cannot be saved I wish we could start fresh after the healing takes place and his anger issues under watch and repair.
I signed up here because I'm afraid to speak in person to anyone about what took place. I'm ashamed and embarrassed of what happened especially because my child witnessed the entire scene. I wish I could take it all back but there is no time machine (at least not yet). I admit my child and I need a therapist ASAP. I will find one for my child but for me I really am not up for talking to one in person. It is too much for me to handle. That is why I came online to see if there are nay groups for healing and repairing from a mess like this. I know he loves us dearly and so do we but now we must live without him for an entire year because of the stay away order. I can't see us healing from this with the order being the wall between us. I am a strong believer in communication without it situations and problems cannot be resolved. Again, I know I need help and am hoping to find it online rather than in person.
What if there is no possessiveness, however, there is much anger about the differences of being raised in opposite worlds. Both parties have much devotion, caring and yes true love to one another. The guy guy insists the girl must give up all guy friendships especially those who are married out of respect not of jealousy. The girl goes ahead with it since her love for this man is strong. After a big dispute turned physical, is there hope for a healthy relationship after her lover beats his lover?
i have just left an abusive relationship it was horrible i was so scared for my safety and the safety of my children am doing better now going to a help group with people in the same situation. thank you for advise on your web page it has made me see that it is not just me it happens to a lot of people. a bit of advise for people in the situation remember to stay strong and believe in yourself you can do it
I find this very helpful to recognize domestic violence. A couple of very strong categories is belittle, and violence/abuse behaviors...but some control behavior. I am fighting to put a stop from contiune abuses toward me. I am very afraid of him what he will do harm me if I do not want him be part of my life. He will do stalking me until he get his ways. We have a child together and the court do not see it and not helping. I feel I had to remain quite to avoid court. I left him 1 1/2 year ago but he contiune invading my place to fill his empty self esteems to satisfy his needs. Often, he demands his way to enforce me to complice his wishes. I have battle myself many time to avoid him by shut out the blinds and lock the doors. Yet, I always fear of him what he will do to harm me. I feel that it was only thing when the day had come to pass. I would start a new life especially when we are sharing 50/50 custody of our child and it will remain that way until child turn 18.
Welcome to HubPages ! Great Hub it's good to get the word out so many can recognize domestic violence when they are in it . I am a survivor too :)
I'm glad your wrote this blog. I am in a relationship that I feel is abusive. he explodes for anything. I hv to be so careful what I say. He controls when he sees me, talks to me but when I don't answer my phone, it's an issue. I love him but am wondering if this is worth the aggravation. He's makes me think it is all my fault and not his.
Hi Beth. This is a great hub, well written and concise, with LOTS of VERY useful information.
The subject of abuse is far more complex than can be covered in hubs like this. As good as it is, the space available to the hubber is a severely limiting factor. One of the areas not covered in this hub is why people become abusers. Children learn about relationships from their parents through a process of social learning, and especially observational learning. Thus, the abused often become abusers. This cycle of abuse has been well documented amongst paedophiles, but also extends to other forms of abuse.
In my own case, I separated from my wife last year and throughout my life I have had occasional outbursts of a temper-rage. During my marriage this would flare up once, or perhaps twice a year. My ex called it "The Monster". These outbursts were never violent; I have never been violent towards a woman, I abhor violence against women and likewise those who would visit violence upon them. I would flare up, shout and remove myself from the situation to calm down. I always felt very remorseful and would be extremely down on myself after a flare-up. I would always undergo a period of mild depression for a couple of hours following such an event.
Thus, I would try my utmost to avoid them.
My former partner came from an abusive household (alcoholic mother, controlling father), but I never saw her as an abuser. During the last year of our marriage, my temper outbursts became more frequent, sometimes once or twice a week. Following the separation, I wrote to her apologising for these and stating that I had come to the realisation that this was a form of abusive behaviour - verbal violence.
Then came the epiphany. Following further research into abuse and abusive behaviour, along with counselling I had undertaken to help me to deal with this aspect of my make-up, it emerged that the temper-rage was, in fact a protective mechanism - a residual expedient with a final warning of “You’d better back off, or I’m going to explode”, a kind of emotional ‘nuclear deterrent’.
The reason for the increased incidence of my temper was, it emerged, resultant from the emotional abuse to which I was being subjected. Thus, the more she abused me, the more she invoked my protective mechanism and the more often my temper would flare up. Since the separation I have only become angry once; ten days after I moved out I returned to the house to collect some personal belongings and she succeeded in triggering my temper.
I have done a lot of work on myself since the split and no longer get angry about anything. I have learned to recognise the signs and to deal with them before they escalate & blow up. My ex continues the abuse, controlling access to and even stopping my access to my children, turning friends against me by recounting my alleged abuse of her, refusal to take on certain financial obligation claiming they are my responsibility (e.g. mortgage repayments on the house she & my kids live in), despite the fact that her income is greater than mine and also via legal channels. She applied for and was granted a restraining order based on lies and gross distortions of half-truths - something I am fighting in the courts.
She sees herself as the victim and believes this in all honesty. She will not communicate with me in any way, using the restraining order as a means of keeping me at bay. In all earnest, she believes that she is the one who has been abused.
Snookiecollins, your point on counselling is absolutely right on the money. If you have been abused, you MUST seek counselling to help you to deal with it and to move on.
One point that is rarely mentioned in discussions on this subject is the effect it has on the abuser. An unhealthy and abusive relationship is detrimental to the wellbeing of BOTH parties - the abused and the abuser.
I do not despise my ex and I do not blame her. I see her as a victim of abuse, except it is not I who is the abuser, it is her parents. I would dearly like to help her to overcome this hurt she carries and that I see is draining her of her very essence. She used to be a bright, bubbly and vivacious woman. Now she is a bitter, vituperous shadow of her former self who is being drained and drowned by her own anger and vitriol.
I do not pine for her. I do not love her (as one would a soulmate or loving partner), rather I pity her. I have moved on emotionally. I never thought that I would ever become a victim of abuse, but abuse is an insidious creature that inveigles its way into your life and your being so that you do not see it coming and sometimes you don't recognise it when it is there. It is only when the abuse is removed that the veil is lifted and you can finally see it for what it is. It is poison and it will poison you, if you allow it to.
Your hub brings the issues that many people cover and try to hide.Unfortunately there are some people that never leave and their chidlren suffer now and in the future.Some think for finacial reasons they can not leave and lose what they have and will accept there own emotional fate.My heart goes out for the people who don't listen to reason and think they are still some how in love.
It is incredible what some people will do the ones they 'love' and I'm horrified every time I read or see something to do with domestic violence. I recently went to see the movie 'Precious' and was horrified as to what her parents did to you. I'm sure this hub will help many, well done beth100.
Great Hub on DV, I don't know how I missed commenting when the HubMobsters were writing these. Of course there were quite a few great hubs that week and hopefully someone attempting to leave and or recovery from domestic violence will benefit from our writings. Again a great hub, thanks for sharing!
Except for the physical part, you hit the nail on the head. I am six months out of the relationship, but the emotional scars will be there forever.
Beautiful, very well written. I especially like the tips on how to tell if your partner is an abuser. I think all women should read this hub, whether they think they are in an abusive relationship or not. It's really a little frightening. Very, very good.
This is really good and helpful for people. also for people who do not know much about this. xXx
Hey Beth, I was hubbing around my fans Hubs and I ran across this one. I'm glad to see that someone is trying to help others, especially about a confusing subject like the differences between abuses. I enjoyed reading your work. Thank you so much. Glad to be your fan.
yep... Been there - DONE with that!
We may have more in common than we realized Beth...
As a fellow survivor, I am PROUD of you!
Not all of us make it out...(alive even)
And a sidenote here, Even IF a person is able to leave and break it off for good. -- THE Memories are STILL always going to be there. So please anyone in that situation, continue with your counseling/therapy to deal with the "after-effects"...
MUCH Love & Blessings to ALL victims and survivors who are dealing with this issue.
Thanks beth. yeah she did. in fact, after she divorced my father, he said that she would never make it without him, but she ended up proving him wrong. finding a better job than him and now she's engaged to a guy that treats her better.
wow, thats a very informative. to be honest, my mom was in a abusive relationship for a while when she was married to my dad, and she had all those signs happen when they were together. good call on this one
I'm sure this hub will help people in that situation when they read it and help family members recognize when someone needs help as well. Great hub, great information!
Great job on writing this it's not easy - I'm going to try and tackle mine tonight! Your Hub was really informative, thanks fellow HUBMOBSTER, kimberly
You were very thorough in asking your questions, Beth. I hope that this helps those who are in an abusive relationship but aren't aware of it.
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