I was reading an agony aunt column (called Ask Debby) in one of our local papers and this particular problem got my attention and I just want to hear your opinion on this matter.
"Dear Debby,
"I have been with my girlfriend for the last two years. I'm previously divorced and have two daughters. In the beginning everything was great but suddenly everything has just gone upside down. My teenage daughter never really warmed up to my girlfriend but it was manageable as she is a lovely sweet and caring lady. My youngest daughter was crazy about her in the beginning but ever since their mother remarried, things have drastically changed. Suddenly my two girls resent my girlfriend so much and at first she tried to handle it by being mature about it but now she has crumbled. She now hates my girls and my girls hate her too. Our relationship has now gone very sour as every time the girls are with me, she is so unhappy and we constantly argue about this matter. She hates the fact that I pay a lot of attention to my kids and she feels that I don't pay much attention to her anymore. We've decided to end our relationship because of this but I love her very much and don't want to loose her. I have tried everything to keep the balance but in the end I'm in the middle and torn. I have given up on them ever getting along and I told her that my kids are my priority and cannot abandon them. I guess maybe because she has no children so its difficult to get her to understand that. She says she doesn't want to be second to my kids and she's put me in the position where I have to choose between them and I told her that my kids are not an option. I really love her and if it was not for the kids, our relationship is just great. How can I make this work? Please help me Debbie."
Thanks, Matt
This is not all that uncommon. I have personally dated women who had children from a previous marriage. Generally speaking it's accepted that the single parent will make his or her children their #1 priority. Those who do (not) have children need to be mature enough to know what they are "signing up for" by dating single parents.
Having said that I believe single mothers have an easier time dating men who are accepted by their children than single fathers do especially when the children are girls. Little girls want to be the center of their dad's universe. Any woman he dates is a "threat" in their eyes. Another factor here is their mom has "permanently" added a new person into their lives and they may not want to be "stuck" with another person. Most single women are happier dating single fathers (who do not) have a "major role" in their children's lives.
In all honesty children don't get to (choose) who their parents date or fall in love with. However the person the parent is dating also does not get to demand that they be the number one priority. Matt has two options. He can let the relationship go or continue to date this woman only when the kids are staying with their mother. Odds are this woman long-term will not want a boyfriend she sees every other weekend. He may do better dating a woman who also has children. Sometimes the two sets of children form a friendship bond which distracts their focus from what their parents are up to. There are niche groups such as "Parents without partners" that cater to single parents looking to date.
Matt, the number one problem with second marriages is that the partners do not bring the kids into the relationship before they move in together. It generally takes children 2 years to begin to open up to step parents. That is why partners should date and find something else for the kids to do when they go out.
Your children will never love this new woman. They've have made a pact between them that they hate her. This might have something to do with you ignoring the kids during your relationship with their mother.
And by the why, do you just have the kids part time?
If they are with their mother half the week, that is when to date.
Do you think the kids feel they've lost their mother to her new husband and don't want to lose you too?
Right now, however, the kids should be your priority, unless you want them to hate you too.
This is the reality of what broken families are like , I too being divorced and having step children completely understand the pitfalls of behavior ! Seldom does the formula of family perform perfectly , even in "real families " there are issues . Jealousy , resentments , money issues ! We've created a society of lost children really , when we weaken the natural family unit through divorce . Better off to remain single anyway than trying to reinvent another family out of the remains of a broken one , Oh yes , it can work . But not without problems .
by Sukhneet Kaur Bhatti 8 years ago
Is it right to have a single child or people must opt to have more kids?What are the behavioral differences among the only kids and the kids who have siblings?
by mcheri 14 years ago
I think I'm going to have to just accept the fact that I will be single forever.It seems impossible to find a man who will accept that I have a child, and treat him like a human...not like a door mat.Yes, I'm a beautiful woman, I'm well educated, have tons of knowledge now on relationships,...
by Lisa Bowley 14 years ago
i have been married for 2 years and i have 5 children ages 22,21,20,and 11 year old twins, one of my twins has downsyndrome. i have 2 grandchildren as well. 4 years ago i met my husband and was thrilled that i finally met mr.right. but life in my world is hectic and comes with alot of...
by Jennifer 11 years ago
In a new relationship where both parties have kids. How long should you wait to meet the kids?
by Nima S 14 years ago
I just broke up with a girl, because she did not call me back. And when she hangs out with this certain group of friends she never picks up her phone. And I dont here from here until the next day. Now one of her friends has a fiance and a boyfriend on the side. Do you think im exaggerating ? Or did...
by kmj217 11 years ago
I have been with my girlfriend for about 2 years now and would do anything for her...she honestly is the one i think i want to spend the rest of my life with but recently my dad had drug addiction problems my mom works and goes to school and my sisters boyfriend hits her plus i go to school and...
Copyright © 2025 The Arena Media Brands, LLC and respective content providers on this website. HubPages® is a registered trademark of The Arena Platform, Inc. Other product and company names shown may be trademarks of their respective owners. The Arena Media Brands, LLC and respective content providers to this website may receive compensation for some links to products and services on this website.
Copyright © 2025 Maven Media Brands, LLC and respective owners.
As a user in the EEA, your approval is needed on a few things. To provide a better website experience, hubpages.com uses cookies (and other similar technologies) and may collect, process, and share personal data. Please choose which areas of our service you consent to our doing so.
For more information on managing or withdrawing consents and how we handle data, visit our Privacy Policy at: https://corp.maven.io/privacy-policy
Show DetailsNecessary | |
---|---|
HubPages Device ID | This is used to identify particular browsers or devices when the access the service, and is used for security reasons. |
Login | This is necessary to sign in to the HubPages Service. |
Google Recaptcha | This is used to prevent bots and spam. (Privacy Policy) |
Akismet | This is used to detect comment spam. (Privacy Policy) |
HubPages Google Analytics | This is used to provide data on traffic to our website, all personally identifyable data is anonymized. (Privacy Policy) |
HubPages Traffic Pixel | This is used to collect data on traffic to articles and other pages on our site. Unless you are signed in to a HubPages account, all personally identifiable information is anonymized. |
Amazon Web Services | This is a cloud services platform that we used to host our service. (Privacy Policy) |
Cloudflare | This is a cloud CDN service that we use to efficiently deliver files required for our service to operate such as javascript, cascading style sheets, images, and videos. (Privacy Policy) |
Google Hosted Libraries | Javascript software libraries such as jQuery are loaded at endpoints on the googleapis.com or gstatic.com domains, for performance and efficiency reasons. (Privacy Policy) |
Features | |
---|---|
Google Custom Search | This is feature allows you to search the site. (Privacy Policy) |
Google Maps | Some articles have Google Maps embedded in them. (Privacy Policy) |
Google Charts | This is used to display charts and graphs on articles and the author center. (Privacy Policy) |
Google AdSense Host API | This service allows you to sign up for or associate a Google AdSense account with HubPages, so that you can earn money from ads on your articles. No data is shared unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy) |
Google YouTube | Some articles have YouTube videos embedded in them. (Privacy Policy) |
Vimeo | Some articles have Vimeo videos embedded in them. (Privacy Policy) |
Paypal | This is used for a registered author who enrolls in the HubPages Earnings program and requests to be paid via PayPal. No data is shared with Paypal unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy) |
Facebook Login | You can use this to streamline signing up for, or signing in to your Hubpages account. No data is shared with Facebook unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy) |
Maven | This supports the Maven widget and search functionality. (Privacy Policy) |
Marketing | |
---|---|
Google AdSense | This is an ad network. (Privacy Policy) |
Google DoubleClick | Google provides ad serving technology and runs an ad network. (Privacy Policy) |
Index Exchange | This is an ad network. (Privacy Policy) |
Sovrn | This is an ad network. (Privacy Policy) |
Facebook Ads | This is an ad network. (Privacy Policy) |
Amazon Unified Ad Marketplace | This is an ad network. (Privacy Policy) |
AppNexus | This is an ad network. (Privacy Policy) |
Openx | This is an ad network. (Privacy Policy) |
Rubicon Project | This is an ad network. (Privacy Policy) |
TripleLift | This is an ad network. (Privacy Policy) |
Say Media | We partner with Say Media to deliver ad campaigns on our sites. (Privacy Policy) |
Remarketing Pixels | We may use remarketing pixels from advertising networks such as Google AdWords, Bing Ads, and Facebook in order to advertise the HubPages Service to people that have visited our sites. |
Conversion Tracking Pixels | We may use conversion tracking pixels from advertising networks such as Google AdWords, Bing Ads, and Facebook in order to identify when an advertisement has successfully resulted in the desired action, such as signing up for the HubPages Service or publishing an article on the HubPages Service. |
Statistics | |
---|---|
Author Google Analytics | This is used to provide traffic data and reports to the authors of articles on the HubPages Service. (Privacy Policy) |
Comscore | ComScore is a media measurement and analytics company providing marketing data and analytics to enterprises, media and advertising agencies, and publishers. Non-consent will result in ComScore only processing obfuscated personal data. (Privacy Policy) |
Amazon Tracking Pixel | Some articles display amazon products as part of the Amazon Affiliate program, this pixel provides traffic statistics for those products (Privacy Policy) |
Clicksco | This is a data management platform studying reader behavior (Privacy Policy) |