Recognizing An Abuser

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   Jacqueline4390posted 9 years ago

   
   I am reaching out to our HubPages community. Let’s do our small bit on the “War Against Domestic Violence.” Sometimes if an individual recognizes the warning signs BEFORE entering into a relationship; he/she can avoid a lot of pain later.
   
   Please share with some of your fellow writers the warning signs that a person has an abusive nature. Both men and women can become the victims of abusers whether physically or emotionally. When there are children involved; it is even more important!

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      Jacqueline4390posted 9 years agoin reply to this

      If you've met a guy and on your first date does he start correcting little things that you say or do? Is he overly helpful? This may seem "cute" but keep watching.

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      peachpurpleposted 9 years agoin reply to this

      cool idea but how do we go about it if found out a writer had been abused?

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         Jacqueline4390posted 9 years agoin reply to this

         It is totally up to the individual to report their abuse. It is like a yellow light. Some will slow down but others will run right through it. It's still there just the same.

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      lisavanvorstposted 9 years agoin reply to this

      I am married to a wonderful man, however I do know of those who are not. Someone who wants to control you (man or woman) is a clear sign of potential abuse.
      Someone who isolates you from your family members.
      Someone who insults you (this is mental abuse). He or she calls you names, says you are stupid. This type of person is insecure and afraid of their mate accomplishing things.
      Someone who blows up verbally, will eventually blow up and become physically abusive.
      Trust your families impression of your mate. Most times families see right through this person. They see what you cannot see.
      Seek help through family members, friends and agencies that handle domestic abuse. Don't be someones punching bag!

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         Jacqueline4390posted 9 years agoin reply to this

         Those are wonderful insights. Sometimes, people do mask their intentions but I always tell people that sooner or later the truth will come out. You can't mask your deviate behavior indefinitely. There are predators that look for the lonely, the insecure and the desperate. Those type of people are usually but not always alone. That is why it is important to socialize; you become less of a victim.

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         realtalk247posted 8 years agoin reply to this

         Great tips. Add to that, requiring explanations for your time.
         "I called you.".....yeah, and? Explanations for your whereabouts like you have to report to a parent-red flag. 
         Put downs designed to diminish your self-confidence and self-worth. 
         Uncontrollable and inappropriate mood swings/rage.  One things happen and the person is shouting and out of control with anger. Walk away.

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   4. 73

      dashingscorpioposted 9 years agoin reply to this

      "Never love anyone who treats you like you're ordinary."
      - Oscar Wilde
      
      Anyone who abuses you in anyway clearly doesn't think you're "special".
      
      Oftentimes long before there is any physical abuse there is verbal abuse. In other instances a person has seen their mate enraged at others, yelling, cursing, riding their horn while in traffic, punch holes in walls, slam doors, or throw things BUT since the anger isn't displayed (towards them) they don't view it as being a "red flag".
      
      The reality is in every relationship there will come a time when each person will become upset with their mate. Having witnessed how he/she reacts when things don't go their way is a major clue for how they might deal with you!
      
      Not long ago I saw a woman on a dating show tell her girlfriend: "I like my men to have a little (thug) in them." Some women are attracted to volatile men. They view it as being strong and it makes them feel "protected". Any woman who finds herself in one abusive relationship after another really needs to examine (her) mate selection criteria!
      This isn't about blaming the victim but rather acknowledging we get to choose who date or marry. There's no way of getting around this fact.
      Learn to become a "better shopper".
      
      Another common mistake is how people interpret (acts of love). Some people view "controlling" as being a "take charge" person, or "jealousy/possessiveness" as evidence of love and caring.
      
      Each of us (chooses) our own friends, lovers, and spouse.
      Never separate your mind from your heart when making relationship decisions. The purpose of the mind is to protect the heart.
      Don't wait to get hit before walking away!

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   Kiss andTalesposted 9 years ago

   Do you have a Hub to reach with ,that can help to relate to the signs ? Because there are some people who do not recognize that they have abuse present in there life.
   And yet it is still up to them to make that call .

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      Jacqueline4390posted 9 years agoin reply to this

      I can indeed put one together. Perhaps there are those who already have one in place. There are subtle signs as well as very obvious ones. It is the subtle ones that are the most dangerous.
      
      I do have an article on mind manipulation, this is where it starts.

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         Kiss andTalesposted 9 years agoin reply to this

         Great if you can do that. I think you have a great idea that needs addressing ,especially if you can address the first beginning signs. This gives others a chance not to start a relationship.
         Looking forward to your work Jacqueline ,my Mother and Aunt has your beautiful name.
         I like your kindness!

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            Jacqueline4390posted 9 years agoin reply to this

            Thank you for the wonderful compliment. I like me name too. Your mother must be a wonderful person to have produced you :-)

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         Jacqueline4390posted 9 years agoin reply to this

         Actually, if you type in the search "abuse" there are several hubs that cover that subject. I would suggest to anyone who wants indepth information on the subject to go there. However, in the meantime just getting some general information on the basic characteristics of abusers should be extremely helpful!

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   Kiss andTalesposted 9 years ago

   You are so sweet to say ! That is comforting to my ears. Thank you!

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      Jacqueline4390posted 9 years agoin reply to this

      :-)

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   peter565posted 9 years ago

   There are a few reason that lead to a high rate of domestic violence in society.  (1) Too many women believe having an abusive man is better then having no man.  As a result, if they can't find a nice guy, they settle for a jerk that bash them up (2) obsession with fairy tale romance, fairy tale romance does not necessary mean happily ever after, take princess Diana for example, married a prince, typical fairy tale romance.  Statistically, most fairy tale romance relationship are also very abusive to the woman,  (3) dating bad boys, some girls think dating bad boys are exciting (don't know why, don't want to know why), therefore prefer to date bad boys, (don't know why, don't want to know why.) and if you are dating a bad boy, of course he is going to be abusive, in addition, bad boys are more likely to be romantic and providing relation which in some greater way, resemble fairy tale romance, so if a girl is obsess with fairy tale romance, she is going to get addicted to the relationship. (4) dating aggressive man.  Acting aggressive can make a person seem more dominate, by acting dominate, it make them seem like the alpha male.  In reality, most aggressive people are not very tough, but real tough guys, usually don't look tough either e.g. special forces soldiers or cops, if they take off their uniform, most of them don't look tough at all.  In addition, to the fact we live in a peaceful society, where there is no need to show our toughness, aggressive men are the only one that are acting tough, therefore, make them seem like the alpha male, despite usually they are the beta male  (FYI: I lived in a rough neighbor hood to save money for a while, to save money on rent and as a result, on more then one occasion had gangsters that want to bash me up on the street, because I looked at them in the wrong way.  And every time, I KO the gangsters and on one more then one occasion I took on more then 1 gangster, at once.  From experience I can tell you, they are not tough. [Although after running in with gangsters for the 3rd time, i had enough and start looking for a new place to live.]) but, because by acting aggressive make them seem dominate therefore seem like an alpha male, in a society where nobody else are been rough, some girls get attracted to it and as a result they got bash up.
   
   Personally, I am actually a bit angry at these girls, who keep making bad choices, due to stupid reason.  They keep making the stupid choice of going one disaster after another and then dominate society with talk of "where have all the nice man go?" and "A common problem amount women is having man trouble." well, of course they are going to have man trouble if they keep making stupid choices.  I addition, because they keep making bad choices, they get into abusive relationships and then we need to spend money to help them, a whole bunch of money must be spend on domestic violence, when they can be spend else where, I am not saying we shouldn't help women in domestic violence, we should, but it do piss me off to think, most of the women in abusive relationship, is as a result of themselves making repeat stupid choice and that is why we need to spend money to help them.   And the law to help women in domestic violence, too frequently, when we create a law, there are going to be people whom are able to misuse this law to their advantage.  Every man today know the story, if your wife want to frame you for domestic violence, all she need to do, is get one of her girl friends to punch her in the eye a few times and they go to the cops saying you hit her and unless you have strong evidence to prove otherwise, you are toast.  Why is that the case?  Because too many women are in real abusive relationship.  And why is that the case, because too many women, are making the same repeat stupid choices.

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      Jacqueline4390posted 9 years agoin reply to this

      Thank you so very much Peter for telling it like it is! Please listen to him if what he says rings true. Don't settle for anything just to say that you have something. Take pride in yourself and you will attract the right person. Mister cutie pie is not always the prince of your dreams. WOW, what a great response!

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         peter565posted 9 years agoin reply to this

         Thanks, actually I did social science when I was in university.  In addition I met one girl whom was in abusive relationship when I was in university and odd thing is that it was obviously she don't love her current boy friend and is in love with somebody else, but can't find the strength to leave her abusive boy friend, due to some form of weird obsession.  It got my interest in the culture of abuse to woman in western society and since I study social science, it give me a chance to look into the matter in greater depth.  Statistically, 48% of women in western society been in abusive relationship, despite 10% man dated 80% women.  However, as I conduct more research, i found out why that is the case is because many women, making the repeat stupid choices that I presented above and is the main reason, why abuse rate in the west is so high.  That kind of piss me off, consider we need to spend so much money helping been abuse woman, is because so many women repeatedly going after those same and obvious stupid choices.   My main concern these day shift from abuse to woman to child welfare.  Because if a single mother got into an abusive relationship with her new boy friend, she is also bring the child into this abusive relationship, and now we know there are women whom instinctively seek out man that are abusive, to get into relationship with, I believe, there is a necessity for child protection, to take away their custody, so the child won't get into an abusive relationship, maybe give the custody to the grandparent or maybe to the father (although consider these women seek out abusive man, we need to make sure whether the father is abusive first.)  As for the woman, I believe if you are to help them, it is via education, starting from middle school, so they won't be like this when they grew up, but as for the adults, I believe it is already too late for them.

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            Jacqueline4390posted 9 years agoin reply to this

            To get to the root of the problem would be the thing. Were they witness to abuse as a child or was an abused child? There would definitely be some low self esteem issues. Seems like people who constantly feel unworthy look for validation from others. Perhaps in the beginning it doesn't start bad but many abusers seek out victims who they believe will suit their purpose. Women alone with children and not with other adults are prime candidates.

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               peter565posted 9 years agoin reply to this

               Many women whom are in abusive relationship, do have low self esteem, that is for certain.  Because they have low self esteem and confident in e.g. their looks or self worth, they do tend to settle for less.  In addition, there are a lot of woman believe "having an abusive man is better then having no man." when that happen and in the same time she believe she can't do better or she is not worthy of a better man, she would settle or even seek out abusive man, just so she could have a man

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                  Jacqueline4390posted 9 years agoin reply to this

                  Would you say that "social norms" mandate that women should seek a mate and those who are Not in a relationship are considered strange. This was an archaic concept but for some it still holds true. A woman who is able to say "NO" I will either have someone who is suitable for me or no one at all is a very slow growing group.

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                     peter565posted 9 years agoin reply to this

                     Western conservative value do believe in the important of "women to have a man", even in all of our fairy tale it always ended saying "the prince and princess live happily ever after", inferring the same message.  Why that is the case, it is hard to tell, it can be trace all the way back to the dark ages. In my opinion, it might have to do with the spread of Catholic church. we know during the early dark ages, the Catholic church encourage Catholics to have daughters and then married them off to pagans, so, the pagan's children might become Catholic.  in addition, Catholic was consider as an evil cult in the East Roman Empire and the rest of the world, it make sense for the church to encourage girls to have babies, so the Catholic faith won't die out.
                     
                     Another possibility is that, it might also to do with viking era society, we know during those olden days Europe was a lawless society, and it make sense to married your daughter to a great warrior with a noble heart.  But it is norm for a great warrior to be an adult male, at least in his 20s, a 14 or 15 years old boy, is limited by biology, regardless of his skill.  But it is unlikely a 14 years old girl would married an adult male, for them, even a 22 years old man is qualified as "old fossil." , it might be possible these value was constructed to encourage young girls into marriage during those time.  Whatever the reason is, we know these value have very negative influence in modern society.
                     
                     Today the idea that "get married is a must" is definitely no longer a believe in the wider western society, but many woman in the west still believe in this value.  This is as a result, of what brain washing professionals refer to as "Response Shaping Process."  Response Shaping Process is a situation where you persuaded a person to a point of view, when they have a limited or no understanding towards a situation, its effectiveness is due to the fact, the person been persuaded do not have the necessary fact, to contradict what they are been persuaded to believe in.  It is extremely effective amount children, whom have no real understanding towards the anything, the most famous example of such, would be the Hitler Youth of Nazi Germany.  Despite the fact our society as a whole no longer believe in the value of "Marriage is a must" for a woman there are still individuals that believe in those ideals, especially women, these women would teach these ideals to their daughters when they are still children, therefore lead the children to the perspective via Response Shaping Process and when these daughters grew up, they teach the same value to their daughter and so on.  When these women, haven't got married after passing a certain age (usually by the time they reach late 20s) they get desperate and they would settle for less, sometime even settle for a guy that would slap her around.

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                     peter565posted 9 years agoin reply to this

                     Deleted
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                        Jacqueline4390posted 9 years agoin reply to this

                        Sounds like a winner!

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                           peter565posted 9 years agoin reply to this

                           Thanks, if you have a daughter or niece, make sure you buy them it for Christmas 

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               peter565posted 9 years agoin reply to this

               In addition I would like to show you these two papers one is published by Victoria University in Australia.  The other one is publish by University of California (PS: Kind of funny though most scholars that publish these papers are feminist scholars.  I would have though, those who are interest in social welfare would have more interest in it.)
               
               http://fap.sagepub.com/content/11/3/305.short
               
               http://spr.sagepub.com/content/18/2/239.short

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   ahorsebackposted 8 years ago

   Anytime , anytime , anytime , ....................You realize that that S/O   has just said or done something that  you realize just under the surface of  your skin   that IS something that You would NEVER do to anyone for any reason ! Anything  That is hurtfully said , done or implied !
   
   That is an abuser ! Dump them NOW !

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