Years ago Pat Benatar sang Love Is A Battlefield
Such beautiful haunting lyrics of confusion and bewilderment that end in submission to war.
"You're beggin' me to go then makin' me stay
Why do you hurt me so bad
It would help me to know
Do I stand in your way, or am I the best thing you've had
Believe me, believe me, I can't tell you why
But I'm trapped by your love and I'm chained to your side"
There are tons of best selling books regarding how to gain success in terms of dating and marriage. None of these books are based on being yourself, being a good person, and loving the person that captured your heart.
Do you believe love is a battlefield or a chess game or are all these books and beliefs regarding implemented strategies hog wash? Has anyone ever been a victim, bamboozled or been fooled?
I think we bandy about the word love too readily. Love, in my opinion, cannot be a battlefield (although I was always a Pat Benetar fan).
I would say the books you reference are hogwash. Love is not built on deception because if you attempt to pretend to be someone you aren't then the person who you are with didn't fall in love with you. Love puts the wants and needs of other person on the same level as your own, or higher. Although striving to be a better person is a worthy goal. But, we can all stand improvement. If the object of your affection demands constant improvement on your part it isn't unreasonable to suggest you aren't the object of their affection.
I've loved unwisely in my life. I suppose I have been bamboozled, fooled and victimized. But, I do accept that much of it was my fault. I believe actions speak more loudly than words. If I chose to ignore obvious truths, in order to participate in an illusion of love, I think I should accept that I freely chose to be briefly bamboozled. When I chose to accept the reality actions have created then I chose not to be bamboozled.
I believe the "battle" is within the individual.
We have to first do some introspective thinking to figure out who (we) are, what we want and need in a mate (before) we pursue relationships!
Unfortunately for the majority of us our first relationships usually happen during Jr. high and high school when hormones are raging and immaturity along with "unrealistic expectations" set us up for our first heartache.
We're too naïve to realize how rare it is to find one's "soul-mate" at age 17!
Nevertheless many people never fully recover from that first broken heart.
Instead of acknowledging they were immature, unrealistic, and naïve they act as if those teenage relationships were adult relationships!
Never mind the fact that their (ex) was just an immature teenager.
Every year there are millions of freshman who arrive on college campuses with the belief that they will maintain a long distance relationship with their high school sweetheart for the next 4-6 years while they get their degrees.
At some point they break the routine of going to class and studying in their dorm rooms. They start to participate in on campus activities, possibly pledge a sorority or fraternity, go to dances and sporting events, make new friends, and eventually decide to date people who are on campus.
The person that gets dumped feel betrayed or cheated on but the reality is both people were too immature to realize it was unrealistic to expect 18 year olds away from home to maintain long distance relationship for years.
Each of us gets to (choose) our own friends, lovers, and spouse.
If "love is a battlefield" it's because we have yet to perfect our mate selection criteria. We keep saying "yes" to the wrong people!
The only thing all of your bad dating and relationship experiences have in common is (you). Believe it or not a lot of folks prefer to "go with the flow" as opposed to having a "selection process". They allow "impulsive connections" and "happenstance" to dictate their relationship choices.
That's the equivalent of going shopping without a list!
Odds are you'll throw anything into your cart at the last minute.
Until a person makes the mind shift to stop "blaming their exes" and instead look at why (they) chose them or said "yes" to them in the first place then they're likely to keep repeating the same mistakes.
When we change our circumstances change.
When I teach my online dating course I stress the following because so many people are in a "hurry" to meet people. I say take your time, get to know them through emailing via the site and IM, eventually exchange personal email addresses, and when you feel comfortable phone numbers. Based upon conversations you decide what the next "milestone" will be.
If a company were looking to fill an important position not everyone who sent in a resume would receive a call from HR. Not everyone who speaks with the HR representative is passed on to the hiring manager, not everyone who speaks with the hiring manager gets an in person interview, and not everyone who gets an in person interview gets a "second interview" or lands the job!
Note: The company would be interviewing (multiple candidates) in search of finding the "right" one. They are in control their "selection process" not the candidate.
If love is a "battlefield" it means the person is doing something wrong!
Each of us gets to (choose) who we spend our time with!
The goal is to learn to become a "better shopper".
Know yourself, Love yourself, Trust yourself.
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