Is there really unconditional love in marriage?

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  1. dawnM profile image57
    dawnMposted 13 years ago

    Do people really love their spouse unconditionaly or do they place conditions on their love?

    1. Woman Of Courage profile image61
      Woman Of Courageposted 13 years agoin reply to this

      Hi Dawn, It's possible. My husband and I choose to love each other unconditional. smile I hope you and your family have a Happy Thanksgiving. big_smile

      1. dawnM profile image57
        dawnMposted 13 years agoin reply to this

        you too!!!!  happy thanksgiving

    2. IntimatEvolution profile image68
      IntimatEvolutionposted 13 years agoin reply to this

      I think we most certainly put conditions on love.  We do so as a form of control.  I think we do it, without even realizing it.

    3. profile image0
      Stevennix2001posted 13 years agoin reply to this

      it really depends on the people we're talking about here, as I've seen people who claim to be in love with each other but in the end, they just end up hurting each other over time.  However, I do believe that for some couples there is such a thing as unconditional love, as I've seen it. 

      I remember once a coworker of mine named Jake (fake name to hide his identity), found out his wife not only cheated on him with her ex boyfriend, she also told him that she's not sure if she even loved him anymore.  Needless to say, I don't think anyone would've blamed him if he had walked away and divorced her over that.  However, what he did really surprised me, as well as a lot of people.  He not only demonstrated what the true unconditional love was, he's the very definition of it if you ask me.  Why am I saying that?  Well its simple, you see even though his wife did this to him, he told me that he REFUSED to give up on her and their marriage.  Sure, he knew that she cheated on him and that there was a distinct possibility she no longer loved him, but that didn't stop him from trying to win her back anyway.

      You want to know what happened?  Well as it turns out she came to realize that she made a mistake, and went back to Jake.  Jake not only forgave her for what happened, he still loves and trusts her just the same, as if nothing had happened.  Sure, they both still remember it, but both claim that their love is stronger than ever because of that ordeal. That to me is the definition of unconditional love.  When you love someone so much that no matter what mistakes they make to hurt you in the relationship, your always willing to forgive them and try to work through adversity to strengthen your relationship.  Anyways, i hope that helps...

      1. dawnM profile image57
        dawnMposted 13 years agoin reply to this

        Hi Steven, I really enjoyed reading what you wrote, it made sense to me.  I have always equated unconditional love with children, the parent child relationship, but I think that when we take the judgment out of loving another person we have a better change of loving them on a deeper level.  I would like to think that what you wrote above is an example of unconditional love and maybe it is, or maybe this man still loved his wife and believed in the vows of marriage.   I still think that unconventional love with a man and a wife has conditions, such as expectation from that person in marriage, so then maybe undcondial love is acceptable in a marriage, when it is done lovingly, just playing around with the idea and the word, it has always interested me.  I know for me when I had my children and they were put in my arms I loved them without conditions, I can’t say the same for my husband and I love him but with the conditions that is to honor, respect and love me, just as I would do for  him, conditions of marriage.

      2. Woman Of Courage profile image61
        Woman Of Courageposted 13 years agoin reply to this

        Stevenix, your post is a great example of unconditional love in a marriage. Anyone can show unconditional love to their spouse if they make up their mind to do it.

        1. Anesidora profile image60
          Anesidoraposted 13 years agoin reply to this

          But why would you?

          And I disagree. Steven's example was not one of unconditional love. He wanted her, she made a mistake, he chose to forgive her. He didn't say -"sure go do it again, i'll always love you anyways no matter what you do."

          I imagine that in fact he did place a very specific condition on her, at least in his own mind.

          1. profile image0
            Stevennix2001posted 13 years agoin reply to this

            Your right, he didn't say that she was allowed to do such a thing again, nor do I know of what else was said between them privately outside of what he told me.  However, to me when we're talking about unconditional love between lovers, it means that no matter what flaws or adversity that stands in your way, you'll always try to work things out.  Seriously, if a person chooses to walk away from a relationship, at the first sign of trouble, then that's a sign they never loved you to begin with. Whereas if the person is willing to stand by you, even when you make a mistake, then that's what true love is.  Sure, love will never be perfect, as I like to think Topher Grace said it best in "Valentine's Day."

            When you love someone, you don't just love them for the parts about them that you like, but you have to love their flaws and things you don't like about them as well

            There's never going to be a perfect relationship, and anyone that says otherwise is selling something.

          2. Woman Of Courage profile image61
            Woman Of Courageposted 13 years agoin reply to this

            Anesidora, I love unconditionally because it's my choice. It may be impossible to you, but not for every married couple. I only answered the question on this thread from my own experience.

            1. Anesidora profile image60
              Anesidoraposted 13 years agoin reply to this

              WOC would you still love your spouse -as your spouse- if it turned out he was into raping babies and then eating their barely-there remains?

              Say yes so we can all admire your magnanimous ability to mindlessly love.

              Now come on, you must admit it now, for you have already said "unconditionally". Therefore you cannot reject him now just because he ripped your grandkid into two and offered you a piece. 

              Go ahead, tell me that you just know that your husband would never do that. Oh hey guess what? You *knowing* that -whether or not you're right about it- makes that a ***CONDITION***!

              Did I say it was impossible to romantically love someone unconditionally? Whoops, my bad. I didn't mean impossible, just amazingly stupid.

              1. profile image0
                Stevennix2001posted 13 years agoin reply to this

                Well you do offer a good point there, as i think that would be a breaking point for anyone in a relationship.  However, I doubt seriously her husband would do that because for one if your married to someone, then it's a fair assumption you would KNOW everything about this person that your married to.  After all, it would be very naive to marry a person you barely knew anything about.  However, if you marry someone, then you should know exactly when something bothers them or if they're capable of acting crazy.

              2. skyskater profile image59
                skyskaterposted 13 years agoin reply to this

                @Anesidora: You're just bringing up and stretching your natural mind defense mechanisms needlessly. Love deals with the heart, and the heart recognizes a heart. When you truly love someone, you understand the person's heart, his pure and immortal soul and his body instinctively or no, and yes this may not be a case of true love because it needs more indications to prove it's true love, but people can wholly fall in love with someone, and love the persons in all conditions, including death, being married to someone else and anything else you can think of. It lies with the mind and it's like a tie.. and surely, when someone shows unfaithfulness you're bound to feel hurt as a human, but it doesn't beat the fact that you still love him/her. There is no rejection or hate, just sadness and worry. Love is quite deeper than most know.
                As for marriages, it's usually difficult especially given that we are experiencing something ethereal on earth. It's bound to be tainted by our earthly weaknesses.. sorry if I sound awkward though

        2. profile image0
          Stevennix2001posted 13 years agoin reply to this

          Thanks WOC. I'm glad you think so. smile  Jake may be a bit a slob, but he certainly earned my respect after that incident, as I don't know too many men that would've been that big enough during such a situation. smile

          1. Woman Of Courage profile image61
            Woman Of Courageposted 13 years agoin reply to this

            You are welcome. I agree, there are no perfect marriages smile

      3. the clean life profile image71
        the clean lifeposted 13 years agoin reply to this

        Steven, What a excellent explanation of unconditional love. I surly can relate to this kind of love as you know with my writings. My wife stood by my side through thick and thin and I love her even more than ever for hanging in there till I got back to planet earth and out of the make believe world I lived in.

        If it is true love there will be forgiveness and hope. Never give up on the Love.

    4. Me, Steve Walters profile image80
      Me, Steve Waltersposted 13 years agoin reply to this

      Shoot dang....there must be unconditional love available in marriage...or else how could 'ya explain why in the world my wife puts up with me!!

      1. dawnM profile image57
        dawnMposted 13 years agoin reply to this

        lol ...... thats a good one

      2. Woman Of Courage profile image61
        Woman Of Courageposted 13 years agoin reply to this

        lol, that is a good one! smile

    5. Shadesbreath profile image79
      Shadesbreathposted 13 years agoin reply to this

      It really depends on what you mean when you say "unconditional."  If by putting conditions on the love like, "Don't sleep around," or, "Don't drive our children into a lake and drown them," then I would say, I doubt there are many marriages out there that are "unconditional."

      Marriage is a bond of trust, and by the very nature of that trust, there are expectations. But the expectations are not articulated like a set of "rules" or "conditions."  Love does not have a TOS page we can link to when our spouse is doing something we don't like.  We just have to communicate feelings as they come along, and, through time, we get to know our partners and intuit what the most loving way to treat them is as best we can in balance with our own selfish tendencies.

      I think that is as close to "unconditional love" as there is.  Frankly, the phrase is really an empty, pop-psychology thing that is more likely to do harm than good if used to discuss real relationships.  It over-simplifies something that is very complex.

      1. Anesidora profile image60
        Anesidoraposted 13 years agoin reply to this

        TOS. ROFLOL. I like that.

        And you're right. Unconditional love simply doesn't really exist.

        Unconditional love as in if you piss me off, I'ma try to forgive you -yes. Unconditional love as in when you grow old, I'll still love you -yes. Unconditional love as in should you end up paralyzed and unable to satisfy my sexual needs I'm gonna try real hard to be okay with that, but whatever happens I'll still love and care for you - yes.

        Unconditional love as in can you spend all the rent money on booze and bimbos (other than myself)- not so much.

        Unconditional love as in can you mess with my kids - No. I will kill you.

        So even once 'unconditional' love is given, it still rests on certain conditions being met. Sure, many people will say 'i know my mate would never..'

        Yeh, whatever. Heard that one before.

        I can say for sure, that I have never even imagined myself to be 'in love' with any man who didn't meet certain conditions.

        It's not a very accurate term. I can't even make sense of it. Did christians make this shit up? That'd make sense.

    6. freshand40 profile image60
      freshand40posted 13 years agoin reply to this

      though marriage comes with loving and excepting eachother for our differences but i still feel its conditional for most.  although i have known people who have been married for years and worked through things i myself dont think i could work me they found the unconditional love...i guess it stems from our exceptance of what one would tolerate to know for sure if you have found the unconditional love so many of us seek.

    7. Druid Dude profile image60
      Druid Dudeposted 13 years agoin reply to this

      Un conditional love also means unconditional RESPECT. Unconditional love is Unconditional patience. Understanding. Everything mutually, one to another. Some equate it with unbridled passion. That comes, but without the rest, it would always be a short term path.

    8. profile image0
      Deborah Sextonposted 13 years agoin reply to this

      There are many marriages with unconditional love.

      1. profile image0
        Stevennix2001posted 13 years agoin reply to this

        which one?  the unconditional part or the fact that people put conditions on marriages?

        1. profile image0
          Deborah Sextonposted 13 years agoin reply to this

          Fixed my answer

          1. profile image0
            Stevennix2001posted 13 years agoin reply to this

            oh okay. sorry.  when you posted originally, it was kind of confusing to know what you meant.  sorry.

    9. Moonchild60 profile image76
      Moonchild60posted 13 years agoin reply to this

      I have only seen 2 incidences of unconditional love in my life.  I am sure there are millions more, I just have not been witness to them.  I am afraid that kind of love is truly rare.

    10. Misha profile image63
      Mishaposted 13 years agoin reply to this

      Well, it may be possible, yet I did not see it. Yet. The closest one can get to unconditional love here on Earth seems to be parent love to child, sometimes. smile

    11. profile image0
      Motown2Chitownposted 13 years agoin reply to this

      Love is not a feeling, it is an action.  We may experience feelings of affection, desire, and happiness drawn from us by another person.  I can find that person amusing, inspiring, admirable, and interesting.  These feelings are conditional upon how a person acts on any given day, and how I respond. 

      When we got married my husband and I said "I do."  Neither of us said anything akin to  "I do, as long as she......" or "I do, but only if he....."  Unconditional love exists.  It is offered and present no matter what circumstances may arise, or how we may feel at the moment. 

      Is it easy?  Uh, does one sunbathe nude at the North Pole?  But it's what we promised to each other in front of God and other witnesses, and we ACT on our love for each other without condition.  We will continue to do so until we leave this earth.

    12. speedbird profile image60
      speedbirdposted 13 years agoin reply to this

      I believe unconditional love is practical but both spouses need to work towards it.

  2. Jaggedfrost profile image60
    Jaggedfrostposted 13 years ago

    If you want it
    its yours
    but give you must
    or nothing will last.

  3. Urbane Chaos profile image90
    Urbane Chaosposted 13 years ago

    Unconditional love is like having a robot for a sex slave.

    Wait, I can say that in here, right?

    er.. I mean, everyone is different.  That's a fact of life.  So, you have to accept someone you love no matter what "minor irritations" they may have.  But, you still expect things from them - to take out the trash occasionally, or wash the dishes, or to take Mr. Big Barfy outside for a walk..  If love was unconditional then if that person didn't want to do those things, they wouldn't, and you'd have to accept that.

    Romance is about compromise.  You take those things that you expect from your partner (the conditions you set on them), and you find a middle ground.  Half of the fun in being in a relationship is taking those "conditions" and turning them into compatibilities.

    That's my two bits anyway.. big_smile

    1. profile image0
      Deborah Sextonposted 13 years agoin reply to this

      If there is unconditional love expressed by both partners, then that wouldn't be true.

      Partner A wants Partner B to take out the garbage, so Partner B takes it out even though they don't want to. And the Partner A doesn't mind when Partner B doesn't want to and so Partner A takes it out, and doesn't expect Partner B too.

      With unconditional love, you love the other no matter what.

      1. Anesidora profile image60
        Anesidoraposted 13 years agoin reply to this

        Why? How? Impossible.

        1. profile image0
          Deborah Sextonposted 13 years agoin reply to this

          For you

          1. Anesidora profile image60
            Anesidoraposted 13 years agoin reply to this

            Impossible for me to love a man as my mate no matter what he does?

            Very true. I have standards.

  4. Greek One profile image62
    Greek Oneposted 13 years ago

    The only condition I place on my love is that she doesn't murder me in my sleep.

    If she does that, then I have to reconsider the progress of out relationship.  I'm not saying that we would break up, just that we would have to do a lot of talking

  5. profile image50
    sd98posted 13 years ago

    If you love someone unconditionally that doesn't mean you have to love everything they do. When I was with my childrens father I always wondered if I loved him unconditionally or not. Now that he is my ex, I do believe I love him unconditonally. He did a lot of awful things and betrayed the children and I so much. He left and the children and I don't hear from him at all. I hate his actions, they are cruel and selfish, but after everything I still love him and always will. When and if he is ever ready to be a dad again, I will be there cause no matter how at times I wish I didn't I love him. To me that is unconditional love.

  6. wychic profile image80
    wychicposted 13 years ago

    I believe there is such a thing as unconditional love, but not such a thing as an unconditional relationship. I love my husband, and my love for him is not dependent on his actions or his ability to rise to my expectations. There are a couple of things he could do to make it so that I would no longer be willing to live with him, either because of a lack of trust or if I felt my children's safety was at risk, but they wouldn't stop me loving him.

    Now, taking Shadebreath's example of driving the kids into a lake and drowning them...k, I'd likely still love the person I know him to be, but I'd still make sure he died a very slow and painful death. Of course, if he were capable of something like that, then obviously I never really knew him, and thus the person I loved might not even have ever existed. Something like that does make it a tiny bit murky.

  7. know one profile image60
    know oneposted 13 years ago

    There could be. There could also be life on Mars.

    But I'm yet to see evidence of either.

  8. MrsInfertility profile image62
    MrsInfertilityposted 13 years ago

    I do believe there is unconditional love in some marriages, but I believe it is very rare. When it comes down to it we have to make the decision to love our spouses, day after day, no matter what. I agree with wychic, unconditional love and unconditional relationships are two different things.

  9. ItsThatSimple profile image60
    ItsThatSimpleposted 13 years ago

    Does love need to be unconditional in order for us to keep the idea of love on it's pedestal? I wrote a reply on a similar question and have to wonder how important it is to us that love be unconditional. I think the answer to your question is that all marriages sadly do not involve unconditional love. I think it's what many of us aspire to have and for a lot of reasons have varying levels of success.

  10. Jaggedfrost profile image60
    Jaggedfrostposted 13 years ago

    to those who feel that  God doesn't exist or is anything less or requires anything less of his children then what he requires of himself that question has merit and can devolve into an endless assortment of caveats.   And perhaps that is where I differ from most.  My Father commanded his children to be perfect, not flawless.  Whole and complete actually.  When he did that he set a different standard in everything so yes Love needs to be unconditional from a certain point of view.  However understanding what that means to me is going to be difficult because I understand that the same love that gave Abraham a child after one hundred years was the same love that caused Father to ask him to sacrifice that same child.   It was that same love that caused the Flood to be necessary and Sodom and Gomorrah to go up in smoke.   It was also the same love that caused Christ to call out "Mary" to one of his wives who grieved at his grave.  It was the same love that he issued as a plea on the cross when he said, "Forgive them for they know not what they do."  Understanding the difference between unconditional love and shielding people from consequences when it may be those consequences that will yield a better result then shielding them ever will is key.  It is with this understanding that I unconditionally love my wife and in her way she has unconditionally loved me in return.   You are right again, it is rare but not because it was meant to be rare.  It is because people have walked away from the concept of eternal life where relationships matter enough that unconditional love, not shown may come back to bite you and Unconditional love shown and developed will change not only your life but that of everyone else around you.

  11. Jaggedfrost profile image60
    Jaggedfrostposted 13 years ago

    Unconditional love doesn't entail unconditional masochism.  It doesn't have anything to do with the situation you stay in for your sake and that of any children that happen to be involved.  It has to do with having that person's best interests at heart and not holding any grudges.  Sometimes it means doing what is lawful to make sure they get help even if it isn't the kind of help they want or think they need.  Unconditional love has more to do with the individual showing it and not so much the one being shown love.

  12. TammyHammett profile image61
    TammyHammettposted 13 years ago

    My thoughts on "unconditional" are that no matter what the other person does or says, my love for them will never change. For example, for me, I will love my children no matter what they do. They will always be a part of my life and I will do whatever it takes to work through any issues that arise. Also, take my younger sister, for example. I will love her no matter what happens between us. I will do my best to reconcile any differences we may have.  But as far as my husband goes, there is not any blood bond. My love for him, however intense, is given to him based on the mutual love and respect we share.  If he cheated on me or was abusive, then I would be able to rescend my love a lot easier than I would for my children, sister, or parents. Based on our mutual love and respect, I will love him even though he may leave dirty dishes on his bedside table, forgets to take the trash out, or anything like that. Those things do not matter to me enough to fall out of love with him. He treats me like a queen and I couldn't feel any more loved, therefore, he has all the love that I can possibly give to him, but with the condition that he cherishes the love that I give to him as much as I cherish the love that he gives to me.

  13. Maria Cecilia profile image83
    Maria Ceciliaposted 13 years ago

    I think when you married someone you are ready to give unconditional love.  That is why the only best reason to marry the person is because you love him or her, and you want to live the rest of your lives with him...

  14. profile image53
    John Wiggensposted 13 years ago

    when first married you are ready to give unconditional love. But after 43 years its just something else that goes away. It would be great to walk away from the last 43 years

    1. Anesidora profile image60
      Anesidoraposted 13 years agoin reply to this

      Huh. See that's what unconditional love gets ya. Forget that. Not me.

  15. Anesidora profile image60
    Anesidoraposted 13 years ago

    Yeah. That's why I'm not buying into unconditional love.

    And not to take anything away from your boy there, but I know dozens of people who have stayed together through similar situations.

    I really dislike terms or beliefs or pretty ideals which only warp a person's thinking and leave them ill-prepared for reality.

    Sorry if my last post sounded critical of your's, wasn't meant to be that way. I just think that what you described and what other people mean when they say unconditional love is just love, plain and simple.

  16. Anesidora profile image60
    Anesidoraposted 13 years ago

    Well, I mean, I don't wanna come across too blunt again.

    Why would you love someone "no matter what"? That is just crazy talk. May as well be a mail-order bride.

    How would you love someone "no matter what"? Again, crazy talk. And not worth a whole lot either.

    Oh forget it. I'm fighting against popular understandings of a word and it really doesn't matter to me.

  17. Amber4 profile image60
    Amber4posted 13 years ago

    I'm not real sure. I mean, I love my husband, but to me unconditional love is more like a parent-child relationship.  I "condition" him depending on what mood I'm in, what diet I'm on as well as various other things daily. Lol....

    But I will fight to the death to fix anything before I would consider if that fits into your definition of unconditional love then great!

  18. elayne001 profile image80
    elayne001posted 13 years ago

    that would be ideal to always have unconditional love in marriage, but seems like it is more give and take. I will always love him no matter what he does, but I am nicer to him when he does what I want : )

    1. Amber4 profile image60
      Amber4posted 13 years agoin reply to this

      And that is how women are programmed! smile  We'll still love them, but it never hurts for them to get some brownie points!  I agree with you.  Give and take....and give and take equally.  You can never take advantage of one another's kindness and forgiveness.  Example, my husband knows that I like to be right about everything so he usually caves and admits that he's wrong even if he thinks/knows he's right.  Unfortunately, this means that occasionally when I just KNOW that I'm right.... I have to say that I'm not smile.  It just makes his day!

  19. damian0000 profile image60
    damian0000posted 13 years ago

    Unconditional love doesn't really exist, no?

    You love him / her for what they are, if they change from being that wonderful person you fell in love with, your feelings will change too

    1. feisty woman profile image61
      feisty womanposted 13 years agoin reply to this

      This is very true Damian.

    2. profile image49
      Rachel2022posted 13 years agoin reply to this

      I agree!

    3. skyskater profile image59
      skyskaterposted 13 years agoin reply to this

      People don't just change under your eyes unless they have been possessed. Our minds like making up things just to satisfy your opinions

  20. KCC Big Country profile image84
    KCC Big Countryposted 13 years ago

    I think everyone has unwritten, often unspoken, conditions when they choose to love someone.  Think about, everyone has some limit to what they will put up with before they snap and say enough is enough.  Some may live with someone 50+ years and that person never even gets close to crossing that invisible line.  That's conditional love. I will love you as long as you don't ever do X. 

    I made the distinction about when you choose to love someone because like Misha touched on, I think other instincts come into play when the relationship involves a parent/child.  Even though you still have a choice whether or not to love them, your parental instincts normally (NORMALLY!!!) kick in and you are drawn to loving them, no matter what.  There are still things you won't tolerate from even them, but there's always that tug at your heart for them.  On someone you choose to love, that tug is either non-existent or easily ignored.

  21. KCC Big Country profile image84
    KCC Big Countryposted 13 years ago

    That's exactly what I'm saying Anesidora, just not as graphically.  There is some line that everyone has where they would be willing to walk away.  They will try to argue that deep down they still love them.  But, I don't think that's quite the same.

  22. KCC Big Country profile image84
    KCC Big Countryposted 13 years ago

    Steven, you can't predict what someone is going to do 10-20 years down the line before you marry them.  People change.

    1. profile image0
      Stevennix2001posted 13 years agoin reply to this

      True.  People do change over time, and grow apart.  However, that's what makes love so grand in my opinion, as it's so rare among people that when you do have it, you never let it go.

      1. KCC Big Country profile image84
        KCC Big Countryposted 13 years agoin reply to this

        You've never been married, have you?  smile

        Some change and things get better, some change and things get worse.  Some can overcome the "worse" and thrive in spite of it.  But, some can't and some just downright shouldn't have to.  They shouldn't be made to feel ashamed when that happens.  It's not a matter of "loving enough" or "trying hard enough".  Sometimes, it's just time to move on.

        1. banzaradiwana profile image61
          banzaradiwanaposted 13 years agoin reply to this

          thanks KCC BIG Country ,your thoughts are so TRUE smile

      2. Anesidora profile image60
        Anesidoraposted 13 years agoin reply to this

        First in regards to your previous post, where you spoke of people obviously knowing everything about the person you marry, well, gosh I hate to say this, but wow that makes you sound young.

        Or maybe it's just that feeling I frequently get that alot of people don't come from the same world I do. Are things really always that peachy keen where you come from? I don't really mean that sarcastically. I know from my own experience that worlds of difference separate classes and circumstances separate people even further.

        No, I just can't agree with what you've said. I've seen way too many marriages fall apart and way too many lovers grow distant, cold and ugly as all hell.

        It's sad when they get divorced, it really is, and so much damage done, but it's even sadder when they stay together and learn to hate each other, slowly decimating each other. Hate actually can become unconditional.

        What you all are refering to isn't some extra special, super upgraded "unconditional" love. When you refer to forgiving people for making mistakes and trying to understand their lover's perspective, or growing past squabbles over who takes out the garbage for Christmas's sake, THAT'S JUST LOVE! Plain and simple. 

        It can and will grow past a whole lot, given the right *conditions*. These vary from person to person. For some the condition is that nothing better comes along, and for some individuals they'll stay and learn to love a child molestor.

        Both are wrong, like extremes always are.

        I will concede. WHich is actually why I came back here. After thinking on it, I reckon some people can love their spouses -even the worst of the bunch- unconditionally. Deborah's comment expressing some opinion that we should love our mates unconditionally made me dwell on it, and now I see the same opinion from WOC.

        So I was thinking about it, and briefly wondering if I should feel guilty for not feeling a need to love my man 'unconditionally', but I came to realize that when I said it was impossible I had somehow completely overlooked the obvious. I do that, sometimes.

        It's not impossible to love unconditionally, people do it all the time. Women battered and abused, some with dead children murdered by the men they love unconditionally, some convinced it's all their fault while their man cheats on them over and over again, some adapt and use it to their advantage in some twisted way playing the long-suffering martyr (my mother), and some keep loving unconditionally because they are deluded into thinking it's the right thing to do, usually with religious reasons at the core, for some it's financial, and then again some people really are just that masochistic.

        So yes, I reckon that truly unconditional love is indeed possible if someone chooses to commit themselves to it. And indeed as the ladies here already pointed out, plenty of people are doing it.

        But should they?

        Of course I guess that's another question. Ya'll are right -those who said it, unconditional love is possible.

        I'll stick with my conditions, which of course with love became winnowed down as necessary.

        1. skyskater profile image59
          skyskaterposted 13 years agoin reply to this

          ah, so my previous post wasn't needed. I regret to be reminded again that women have suffered a lot from men due to their more wholly-submissive nature. I have some reasons though to think that these women loved so because their family was all they had, which is not so with women of 'nowadays'

  23. MermaidMoney profile image68
    MermaidMoneyposted 13 years ago

    It is entirely possible but not always probable.  I learned how to let go of the petty stuff years ago and loved my husband unconditionally.  He however did not decide to do this, and he held onto resentments and fears and eventually pushed me into a divorce. During the court dates, I found myself smiling at him, opening the door for him and was actually happy when he found a girlfriend.    I told him that I know I love him unconditionally because I genuinely wanted for him to be happy and that if he couldn't feel it with me, then I am happy he could feel it with another woman.

    Really and truly, I could not see myself behaving this way 15 years ago!  LOL!!!  But I have grown as a person and as a woman in so many ways and I appreciate the 13 years we had together as husband and wife.

    Now I am in a new relationship and I find myself being completely open, non judgmental and very loving towards this new man.  It is refreshing and yes, unconditional love is possible if you work at it.  It is best of course if both parties work on it! smile

    Blessings to you all this holiday season!

  24. Anesidora profile image60
    Anesidoraposted 13 years ago

    Then again maybe I'm just way too skeptical and critical. I never sign on to anything that says unconditional.

  25. Anesidora profile image60
    Anesidoraposted 13 years ago

    After reading my post I realize it sounds like I'm somewhat jaded about marriage. In defense of my husband I'd like to point out that he's my first, we've been together for 23 years this February, and I anticipate seeing the next 23 and more.

    When I said someone must come from a different world than I, I was not refering to my own marriage. Just didn't want anyone to get the wrong idea. We have a great marriage, but we really know alot of people who either ended up divorced or just have really bad marriages that continue to reach new depths of amazingly bad.

    I can't tell you the number of times I have said "you've got to get out of there" to someone. So yeh, unconditional? I've seen some pretty bad conditions. F*** that.

  26. Jaggedfrost profile image60
    Jaggedfrostposted 13 years ago

    Are we loved when love is all about us?  Is it really love if there is no choice?  It is easy to love when there is no oppostion... When a fire is banked where will it consume?  Will it dwindle and die for the lack of fuel or will it find new ways to consume and intensify in heat?

  27. sureye profile image59
    sureyeposted 13 years ago


    I say that to say this, every morning you wake up you already have a foundation of love for your spouse but you must choose to UNCONDITIONALLY love them every day. The wife needs unconditional love but the husband needs unconditional respect. They must coexist and you must choose every day to take one more step TOGETHER.

  28. Joy56 profile image69
    Joy56posted 13 years ago

    He loves me unconditionally, like i sit at the computer all day, he does moan about it.....

      However the conditions for  him are

    He brings me a drink up every morning before he goes to work, however early it is.

    He makes the meal when he gets in.

    He does the shopping.

    He understands i am always right.

    My money is my money, his money is my money.

    It works so well for us

  29. chrissie123 profile image60
    chrissie123posted 13 years ago

    I think it is possible big_smile

  30. SomewayOuttaHere profile image60
    SomewayOuttaHereposted 13 years ago

    ...oh darn...can't remember everything i've posted about luv and all depends on my mood at the time.... tonite....i think so?'s that?    big_smile

  31. perfectperception profile image60
    perfectperceptionposted 13 years ago

    Love should definitely be unconditional in any marriage but not everyone values and respects the sanctity of marriage.

  32. profile image49
    Rachel2022posted 13 years ago

    Love is always conditional, and should be. You marry someone based on a massive variety of factors. You marry them based on their personality, their looks, their beliefs, their income etc. These are examples, and some are a little superficial but I'm sure you know what I mean - you have your reasons for marrying someone, just as you have your reasons for friendships. These reasons are conditions. If you marry based on the condition that that person is the way they are today and in X years time they are someone totally different, it would be odd if you still loved them. Unconditional love doesn't exist, not really. Even your own flesh and blood could, if they wanted to, do things so abhorrent that you wouldn't love them anymore. The conditions are what makes a couple wonderful.

    "I love you because you're beautiful, funny, smart and you have similar interests to me..." simultaneously means "I wouldn't love you if you were none of these things".

    You also set certain conditions when you get married, like fidelity. I want someone to love me based on the stipulations of marriage i.e. that I won't cheat and I will do my best to make my partner happy. If love is entirely unconditional you don't have to do anything to earn it, and if you then put no effort into a marriage or a relationship it's likely to fail. All-forgiving is great but if you constantly need to forgive someone it shows a lack of respect on their part. Enforce conditions, and expect the same from your partner. If you both know where the boundaries are, and are a little forgiving of each other (we're all human) everything will be swell.

    1. skyskater profile image59
      skyskaterposted 13 years agoin reply to this

      Well you conclusions and judgement are wrong, and you are also on a involuntary mind defense trail. Love is known for its foolishness because direct logic doesn't really apply to it. I happen to be one person who have seen what unconditional love truly looks like, and I daresay, it's none of those things. You don't get to love someone unconditionally because he or she's funny and so on. You just watch them, admire them and like to be with them, a bond is created between you two, it's something of the heart and spirit. something strangely now I reconsider, only death can break.
      Yes, it's a difficult thing when it comes to marriage, especially for those who marry for values like beauty and luxury, which is in our nature. But go to somewhere remote where these things hardly mean anything, and you may understand the point people are trying to make here. Even the minority can make a difference.

  33. LondonGirl profile image81
    LondonGirlposted 13 years ago

    Unconditional love?

    I might continue to love him, but I would certainly split up with him if he did certain things.

    If I became his punch-bag, or he brought prostitutes into our home, or abused our son. That would be a Game Over situation.

    (Obviously, there are other things that would be, too)

  34. Jaggedfrost profile image60
    Jaggedfrostposted 13 years ago

    It is my feeling that if you get into an unconditional relationship you do your homework upfront.  You take them to all of the places you think they should freak and watch their reactions carefully.  You spend a lot of time talking together and even more time listening.   In my culture, unconditional love is something that goes for everyone but consequences to actions cannot be prohibited or interfered with.

  35. Jaggedfrost profile image60
    Jaggedfrostposted 13 years ago

    obviously you aren't going to marry everyone so there are special steps you can and should take in order to keep things on the level.  If the other person shows any signs that tend to things you know you cant live with, by all means dump them.  Be a good judge of character by all means but once you say, "I do."  You are lying to yourself and them if you hold reservations under any circumstance.  What you are really saying is, "I do... maybe... unless he makes me really mad then SIKE."

  36. pisean282311 profile image64
    pisean282311posted 13 years ago


  37. Rafini profile image70
    Rafiniposted 13 years ago

    sometimes, not always.  I think it's pretty close to impossible without lying. hmm  not to say that no marriage is capable, just that not many would make it for long.

  38. Jaynie2000 profile image84
    Jaynie2000posted 13 years ago

    I think unconditional love does exist, but that doesn't mean it will last.

    We all expect things from our partners, whether or not those expectations are realistic. When our partners fail to live up to those expectations we can be very disappointed, sometimes irrevocably so. When that happens, relationships usually fail. Yet even as the relationship fails, we can still feel love.

    In short, I can love you no matter what, but I may not be able to live with you no matter what.

  39. mdlawyer profile image46
    mdlawyerposted 12 years ago

    Unconditional love is a rarity now.  It needs sacrifice.

  40. I N33D Answers profile image61
    I N33D Answersposted 12 years ago

    I could use some help, maybe some answers..  I am 5 months away from getting married.  This will be my second marriage.  When my first marriage became a disaster I never really looked at getting married again.  I mean, I lost everything.  I met this girl 5 years ago, she practiaclly saved me from being homeless and possibly dead.  From then, she has done nothing but help and be there for me.  I can see her as a true friend, and a year ago when I proposed to her I honestly felt I loved her.  But now time has passed, I still have feelings but I don't think they are as strong.  well, here we are planning for a wedding and I don't know what to do.  It would completely devistate her if I up and left but I'm not sure I wanna live in a lie either.  That's not all, More heart throbbing drama.  I happen to come across my teenage dream the other day.  We've been talking and things are just amazing.  Her feelings for me are the same feelings I've had for her forever.  I just never thought I would ever hear from her again, I mean, life moves on, people move on.  I don't know what to do.  I know if it's God's answer, he will tell me somehow, but just that fact that after 13 yeas she has come back in my life, does that say anything?  Any suggestions would be grateful, Thank You...
                                                        I N33D ANSWERS....

  41. pharuk temmy t profile image42
    pharuk temmy tposted 12 years ago

    Of course there is unconditional love in many marriages, those who got married with each other for whom they are and not what they are,and also there are others based on conditions because they got married for what they both are. A house built of wax would surely disolve when the sun rises...but a house built of stone stands when the sun rises and also when the rain falls.


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