How do I stop repeating myself in an argument and being naggy to my significant other?
I'm 21 and my boyfriend of a year and a half is 26. Everytime we get in an argument I guess I repeat myself and start nagging him about the same thing over and over. I try conflict resolution but he gets aggravated very quickly so I don't know if I should even bother him with half of what I'm probably over reacting about in my head anyways. I just want to get along with my boyfriend and make him happy, but I feel like all I do is annoy him or nag at him or argue with him. I really and truely try not to though... any advice would be of great help! Thank you.
Simple. Be quiet.
(I mean that in a nice way). If you don't say anything, he won't be provoked into responding and then you don't have to answer his response... etc. etc.
Not that I'm great at this but I find that when I'm in this situation it is usually the result of too much talking and not enough listening.
Time to take a few breaths, listen to his response, consider it for a moment, and ask a question rather than give a rebuttal. The question has to come from a place of empathy and compassion.
I'm not very good at it myself but my wife is. I find that the correct question rapidly dissipates most of my anger. It also helps me see her point more clearly since I'm no longer blinded by my own desire/need to be right.
The point here isn't to embarrass someone but rather to get them thinking rather than reacting. The wrong tone of voice and we all end up in a fighting mood even over minor nonsense.
Say what you need to say, listen to his response, then leave the room for a little while. Just duck into the bathroom for a few minutes if you need to, to pull your thoughts together. You'll soon get a different response from him during your arguments when you do this. Best wishes.
yeah, you're not listening. but you're not being heard either. what do you do if someone doesn't answer you or respond? you repeat what you said. in an argument, you are wanting a response of some sort, not getting it, so you keep repeating yourself. usually this happens because girls want an emotional response of some sort, and guys will answer with a logical response. if you ask me what time is it? and i say 2 o'clock, and 10 seconds later you ask me what time is it, i say 2 o'clock again, and 10 seconds later you ask what time is it... of course i'm going to be aggravated. you asked me a question, i answered it, and you still keep asking. do you really want to know what time it is? or are you really asking for attention?
if you know you are nagging, give it up. nagging is a control issue. you want him to change. he won't, unless HE wants to. girls often think they can change guys. they can't. you can invite him to, show him a different way, but if you want to make him happy, as you say, nagging will drive him away. and you to.
What ever has happened in the past do NOT keep bringing it up. Most people ( like myself ) cannot even remember last week. If you find yourself starting to bring up this or that, STOP. Nothing irritates or ruins a realtionship quicker than the you did this, that and the other. The do you remembers are also a bitch. Let what happened yesterday stay there. Trust me I did what you do years ago and it is not worth it.
One way to have a successful argument is to focus on the other person instead of yourself. The point is that you already know what your position is. You know what you believe, want, or think. The real goal of a conversation is to find out what the other person's position is.
I have learned to make it a game. Become a detective. Ask an open-ended question, and then shut up. Actually listen to the other person. How do they feel? What is important for them? Why is it so important? Are there other things that they need?
Stop thinking about what you want and discover what they want. After you have a good idea of what they want, then begin to make suggestions so that you get what you want, and they get what they want.
If you are repeating yourself in an argument, that usually means that you don't care about what the other person is saying...so you keep repeating your side. Turn it around. How would you feel if you knew they were not listening to you? How would you feel if they did not care about what you valued?
I hope this helps.
It would surely help if you put yourself into his shoes, find strength to understand him and discipline your mind to stop the issue all the more raging. Nagging is a big NO. Hard as it may be, but it's the best way to keep both sides cool. No one's going to benefit it at the end, anyway. So the effort is well worth it. Goodluck!
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