I have a trust issue to the point where i go though his cell phone checks his ba

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   shonta911posted 14 years ago

   I have a trust issue to the point where i go though his cell phone checks his bank account when...
   
   he says he doesnt have any money and it turns out he does im always thinkin hes cheatin and i dont even know if he is are not and i hate feelin these feelins and  doing what im doin he is a good hard workin man but everything has went sour in our relationship PLEASE HELP me to be more trustworthy.

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   bloominglilyposted 14 years ago

   He's given you a reason not to trust, tell him how you feel. If his response is anything then what you want to know. Cut ties.

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   jillfil0posted 14 years ago

   Jealousy is a very destructive thing as you are already finding out.  The key is to sit down with him and discuss your feelings and make a decision. If you choose to stay with him, you have to lay all your expectations out (no lying, long term commitment, etc...).  But in exchange, you have to trust again.  Wipe the slate clean.  If the jealousy is constantly hanging over your heads, your relationship will never make it.  Forgive and let go...
   
   I was always scared of "being hurt".  When I made the decision that he couldn't hurt me anymore, I really stopped my jealous snooping.  The way I knew he couldn't hurt me anymore was when I realized if he did cheat, I didn't want him anyways.  I was better off without him.  Hence, it was out of my hands.

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   dianakposted 14 years ago

   Stop thinking about the negative stuff. After all hes probably not even cheating on you or doing anything behind your back. The more you think about the negative stuff the more its gonna get worse. I suggest you should stop going through his stuff. Cause all the things that you might see might not be what you think it is. If your boyfriend makes you a happy, just be happy that you have him and hes all yours.

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   Susie and Ottoposted 14 years ago

   Dear Shonta911:  As others have pointed out in their comments, it sounds like you are not only dealing with jealous fears, but also with weakened trust because of his lying about money (and possibly other relationship habits too). 
   
   It is so important to continually bring yourself back to the present moment and what you DO know in your relationship. 
   
   If you suspect that he is cheating (and this is why he is lying about money), pay attention to any inconsistencies that you find in other areas of your relationship.  The differences between what he says and what he actually does are helpful to note.  Unexplained and significant changes in how he communicates, treats you, dresses, etc. are also places to look.
   
   There is a fine line between gathering information to either support or discount your suspicions that your man is lying and simply spying because your jealousy has gotten the best of you.
   
   When you feel compelled to look through his cell phone or bank account, pause before you act.  If you are only doing this because you feel jealous fear or you are thinking about the last time he lied to you, it might be wise to calm yourself down first.   
   
   Make it a point to look for ways that he might already be showing you that he is trustable and remind yourself of that.  If you can't find any signs that he is being more honest and open with you (about money and other things too), it *might* be a sign that he is continuing to lie and possibly cheat. 
   
   The bottom line here is for you to pay attention and make decisions about how you act and what you say from a place of clarity and choice (not just a reaction).

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