Do you think it is right to give a boyfriend an ultimatum on engagement?

1. 59

   brieliseposted 12 years ago

   Do you think it is right to give a boyfriend an ultimatum on engagement?
   
   My boyfriend and I have been together four years, living together for 2, and he has talked about marriage quite a bit but can't seem to pop the question. He wants to get his PhD but I'm afraid if he does I'll be waiting for a very long time for what he "promises will happen soon", and the process will put a damper on us emotionally (graduate school was very stressful). We're soon going to have a talk about it and I basically want to say, "If you go for you PhD, I need a ring". Is an ultimatum okay at this point in the relationship?

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2. 70

   Alecia Murphyposted 12 years ago

   I know it's tempting but no. You won't ever be satisfied by the fact you pushed him instead of actually letting it happen naturally. What I believe you could do is have a talk and say, "I'm looking for a real commitment and I'm not sure if I want to wait for you to get your degree and then get married." But you'll regret giving him an ultimatum because you know an engagement won't be inspired by love but just satisfying your desire for commitment/wanting you to stay. It's up to you but I think if you could communicate your feelings first, it'll work out in the long run. Good luck to you!

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3. 61

   whizcreedposted 12 years ago

   You need to have better communication rather than drafting a formal notice of ultimatum.
   
   I think anyone would hate to be made to do something. Put yourself in his place, for whatever reasons if you were not sure on what to answer then would anyone call you spineless !
   
   Anyone can be in doubt or unsure or need "more support" from you and such situations only demand more better communication..
   
   Tell him how you feel and share your insecurities, tell him that something needs to be done about it..

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4. 59

   brieliseposted 12 years ago

   Thank you for your advice! The issue is I have done these things before and I still feel like we're stuck in relationship limbo. So do I just wait around until he's ready so that I don't seem pushy? Or do I have yet another talk with him?
   
   The biggest issue is that I don't want him to go for his PhD because he takes his frustrations out on me, so I just kind of felt like if I support him on his decision that I should at least get something out of it. Yes, I know it's selfish, but I've supported him through the four years of his going for his masters where he was stressed and miserable and taking it out on me. I've sacrificed for him (moved away from my family and left school) so now I want something in return (again, selfish I know).
   
   So sometimes it's hard to rely on communication when he doesn't understand where I'm coming from and is completely okay with just living together, which I also don't understand as he's 26 and wants to be married with 2 children by 30.
   
   Sorry this has turned into a vent!

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5. 60

   smzclarkposted 12 years ago

   I wouldn't give the ultimatum, but I would let him know how you feel. He might not even know how ready you are...? He may be scared you're not ready...? Have you thought about getting down on one knee? "If you go for your PhD, I need a ring", just doesn't sound much like I love you and I know that You are the one I want to spend the rest of my life with and I want nothing more than to make it official.

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6. 72

   lburmasterposted 12 years ago

   I don't think you should. It sounds like your being selfish in the relationship. An ultimatum never helps anything in my book.

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7. 80

   dashingscorpioposted 12 years ago

   Every marriage will have it's challenges but at the very least a marriage should start off with (both people) wanting to get married.
   If you have to beg, plead, sell, persuade, or give an ultimatum to have a person declare they want to spend the rest of their life with you then they aren't marrying you because (they) want to. In order for him to be "the one" he must also (naturally) see you as being "the one".
   You are responsible for your own happiness. If you are not getting what you want then move on. One man's opinion.

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8. 61

   MickSposted 12 years ago

   This is nonsense, you either love him or you don't, on what you've written here I would say he's better off without you.  When I was courting I would have told any girlfriend who gave me an ultimatum, to stick her head up her backside.

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9. 58

   juiwei2000posted 12 years ago

   Dud it is the 21st century, marriage is over rated, living together is good too.  If it is me, I take the approach of lets live together but never get married (unless we've been together for 20 years and I got elected as the president, then we probably get marry, so she can have the title of first lady, since she have definitly earn it, despite the fact first lady is more as a social title, rather then a legal title. )

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10. 60

    Ana Teixeiraposted 12 years ago

    no. don't do it. If you give a man the "fight or flight" option.. he'll just.. fly away. It's a natural reaction. You're not supposed to NEED to do it.. so just have a talk with him.. but don't turn it into an ultimatum.

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