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Can ex-lovers really be friends? Is it best to let things end, without remaining connected reguarly?
My guy friend ended our courtship two months ago. Why? He wasn't ready to love me. I uttered the words I love you, first. I wanted to share my feelings instead of keeping them boxed in. Last week, he revealed, these words. "I was falling in love with you, I was in love with you, and I still am." Words I wanted to hear months ago. However, they missed the mark. We have been on dates, talking on the phone, and we still do nice things for each other since the end of the courtship. I'm his best friend, he says. It's hard being friends and doing these things with him, because I am in love with him.
(Real friends) are not "in love" with each other. There is no desire to be intimate with one another nor is it difficult to hear them discuss problems in their love life and dating issues they may be having. A "real friend" is someone you mentally consider to be your brother or sister from a different mother.
Very rarely can exes become "real friends". Generally speaking there has to be a (large gap in time) to go from "red hot lovers" to giving each other dating advice or offering a shoulder to cry on. When exes try to become "instant friends" there is usually one person (secretly hoping) that if they spend enough time with their ex then he or she will suddendly recognize how wonderful they are. They pretend to themself that their ex is not seeing or having sex with other people. If it is out in the open they wear a smile while silently experiencing heartache.
Last but not least what makes it difficult to be friends with an ex is when either you or them start dating someone (new) and falls "in love". (Most of these "new women" will NOT want their men hanging out with his ex-girlfriend for any reason. The same goes true for men having girlfriends who spend time with their ex-boyfriends.) Natually there are some "exceptions", BUT generally speaking new lovers hate the thought of it.
Eventually one is forced to choose between the person they are "in love" with today and who offers them a future, or the (now plantonic) friend from a past (failed relationship). Most people would choose love over friendship. Gradually they would stop seeing their ex, reduce phone contact and emails. They don't want to risk losing their newfound love. One man's opinion! :-)
Thank you for this advice. It has done me some good. Everytime, he and I are together, he does the frisky touch, buy me something, or want to do lunch or a movie. My heart breaks every time we speak. I am his best friend, I don't need more friends.
dashingscorpio, I really thank you for the advice. Because this is so new in the break up phase, wanting to be friends, best friends, special friend, dear friend, or any other term of endearment isn't working for me. I want to tell him, without him thinking I am mad at him. I know he holds me in a special place, he appreciates my engery, wit, advice, inner beauty, but it's wasn't enough for us to be together, how can it be enough for us to be friends, any term he chooses.
How should I approach us not being anything but people who can pass by each other being cordial? The hurt that the man I am in love with and can't have kills me. I am under no assumption that he isn't seeing people, that would be foolish on my part. But it kills me to know the unsaid of he is. I have enough friends and I don't want to add him to the list of people I confide in. I just want it to be completely over with neither one of us holding on to a friendship to pacify the other, for the sake of doing so. We both know what it is, we love each other. He's scared, I'm not. He has walls he like to through up, mine are down. He is the person who controls if we see each other or don't. I'm tired, emotionally and mentally.
Advise on your opinion of my best recourse?
Michememe, I have helped others along this road. It probably would be best for you to contact me. Simply click on any of my hubs and you will have the option on the right column to contact dashingscorpio. Never forget YOU get to choose your reality.
One of two things: this will only hurt you more or it may make you guys get back together. Just prepare for the worst. And if you feel like you are not stong enough for that type of relationsip with him, then it is best to cut your losses.
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