Is it ok for your husband to privately email an ex girlfriend and then lie about

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   ms catatoniaposted 12 years ago

   Is it ok for your husband to privately email an ex girlfriend and then lie about it?
   
   I have had a lot of trust issues with my husband one being that he was privately emailing back and forth many times with his ex girlfriend and when I expressed my feelings on it and let him know I felt that he still had feelings for her he had nothing to say but the fact that it was a private message and I was never meant to have read it... does anyone else think that there might still be some feelings between the two?

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2. 71

   dashingscorpioposted 12 years ago

   The only person you can control is yourself. There are only two ways we experience joy and peace of mind in our relationships. (We either get what we want or we learn to be happy with what we have.)
   At the end of the day you have to decide whether or not his being in touch with his ex-girlfriend is a "deal breaker" or if you believe he is cheating on you.
   Much of what goes on in relationships is not so much about "right" or "wrong" but rather (agree) or (disagree). Ultimately we are all looking for someone who "naturally agrees" with us the major things in life. There are some people who believe in remaining friends with exes and others who have a problem with it. Again it's not about right or wrong. It's about agree or disagree. Whenever we try to "force" someone to do something they don't want to do it usually leads to frustration on our part and resentment on their part. You may think, "If he loved me he would stop" and he may think "If she trusted me she'd know she has nothing to worry about." One of the reasons people tend to lie is because they don't think the person they are with would approve of their behavior even if they personally don't believe they are doing anything wrong.
   Do you trust him? That is the real question. If not, you have a decision to make. Best of luck!

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3. 59

   Vasiliki Bourasposted 12 years ago

   Your first question, "if it is ok to privately email in ex-girlfriend and then lie about it"- No, It is not OK. He should not be emailing "privately" to anyone unless it's someone you mutually know and are aware of. To then lie about it, implies that he is guilty for going behind your back, and then guilty for writing something he knows you would not approve of.
   Secondly, "Does he still have feelings for his ex" -From what you wrote, I can confidently say that he does have some feelings. As to the extent of those feelings, no one will ever know but him.
   For some people, it's hard to let go. Think about it...You had an intimate relationship with someone for x amount of years or months, shared some times only you both care about, and then it ends. It's like a kind of "death" and depending on how long ago they broke up, he is keeping the fire somewhat ignited, to ease the mourning process. This may be his way of "healing".
   OR, he could feel guilty about how his last relationship ended, and is coming to terms with it in his own way as to not feel like he is the bad guy.
   I'm not sure of the whole situation here, but I'm trying to understand why he would do something like that and give him the benefit of the doubt, because after all- he is your husband.
   However, This is a disrespectful thing he is doing to you.

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4. 60

   ms catatoniaposted 12 years ago

   Thanks this was helpful I as well agree he still has feelings and was being very disrespectful. An ex is the past not the present or future... at the same time there should be no reason to lie if the conversation is harmless and you have nothin to hide.

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5. 60

   Carlos Catatoniaposted 12 years ago

   Seems like info is missing from this question....you said it was a private message, well how did you gain access to it?
   
   Where does his ex live?
   
   How long were they together?
   
   How long ago was that?
   
   What was the subject matter of the emails?
   
   Did he mention you in the emails?
   
   Do you really want to be with a man who lies to you?
   
   Does he read your private messages?
   
   Did he give you his password?
   
   Answer these questions to give us a better understanding because there are so many blanks.

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      ms catatoniaposted 12 years agoin reply to this

      you dont need to live with someone to have still have feelings for them..

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6. 61

   duffsmomposted 12 years ago

   No it is not okay.  When things are done privately or secretly, it usually means they are doing something they know is wrong.
   
   I don't think this particular incident is the problem, I think the trust issue goes deeper and you guys need to address it.  Whether he has feelings for her or not isn't really the point.  The fact he is hiding this from you is the important point and you guys need to have some serious discussion or counseling.

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      ms catatoniaposted 12 years agoin reply to this

      Thanks for the advice

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7. 76

   lifelovemysteryposted 11 years ago

   My question is, "Why all the secrecy?"
   If he has nothing to hide, then he wouldn't be doing this in secret. It is a question of character and integrity.

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8. 50

   skytreeroadposted 10 years ago

   Ask him straight out. Find out if there is a child involved in this relationship, too. LOL, ask him that especially if you know there is no child! That will get the gates of communication open. Really express to him how much this bothers you and how hurt you feel. Then tell him again you swear it seems like the two of them have a child together. Be warned tho- they might have a car, a dog or a house/apartment issues they are still settling if you haven't been married for very long.

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9. 60

   Penny Gposted 10 years ago

   AWWW I don't think so! What is he hiding! Secrets it sounds like to me. We would be arguing!

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