Is there a real difference between “fear of commitment” and “refusing to settle”?
When a man is hesitant to enter into an exclusive relationship or marriage it’s often said he has a "fear of commitment" and when a woman is hesitant to enter into an exclusive relationship or turns down a marriage proposal she is seen as someone who is "refusing to settle". Bearing in mind that (most people do) eventually get married; why is it so difficult for some people who didn’t get what they wanted to admit to themselves that in the eyes of their ex (they) were simply not “the one”?
Because, ultimately they must admit they were wrong. Just about everyone will admit they have been wrong but when the instance at hand is in front of them they will fight the words from their mouth to the bitter end. That entire attitude is doubled if not quadrupled when speaking of a broken relationship.
We have all been in that situation when you pursue a person you think you like but when they seem interested your interest quickly wanes. Somewhere in your mined eye you feel if they like you then maybe you are too good for them. This happens conscientiously or subconsciously. Either way and at times instantly your attraction is gone and you start thinking about someone else or put the idea of a mate out of your mind altogether. Its quite a ridiculous how ego rules your mind at times. Or, it may be a primal urge to find the absolute best mate possible.
Brilliant comparison. To answer, I'd say:
"The one" is simply an expression for flipping out and obsessing on someone, they excluding all other people from your dating pattern. That obsession is caused, in part, by a rise in Serotonin 2a (if I recall it correctly). It is related to the neurotransmitter changes that take place with obsessive-compulsive disorder.
But after you've worked through that, you have to feel rewarded (the second stage of being in-love) when you see your partner. That's from a rise in dopamine when you're together. Lots of people don't get there because their partner doesn't feel like family in a good sense.
Also, people can't just say that the other person just didn't see them as the one because the in-love process, powered by the same neurotransmitters, can flip flop--making you jealous and obsessing negatively on the other person.
Rejection can also feel like your partner died. That's because the mournful transmitters spike when you lose someone by whatever means.
Hope this makes sense.
In the UK fear of commitment means your scared of picking "a" girl/boy, in case you pick the wrong one..In my experiences i was never sure whether or not i wanted to marry one of my ex's, & it was mentioned by a few of them..They thought they was sure whereas i wasn't, so i have been branded as a guy with a fear of commitment..But I'm not, i just haven't met the right girl for me yet..I do have a fear of settling down though if that's what you mean by settle, as refusing to settle over here means that i won't be tied down to a particular area/town/house/mortgage etc....It's hard for the average person to admit to themselves, that they weren't the one.. because they think that means there's something wrong with themselves, when that's not the case at all..They don't realize that everyone is different & likes a slightly different thing etc, & we have to be other wise obviously we'd all be the same..So as were all different by default & all liking different things etc, there has to be people out there that wont "get us" or that won't/can't "fall in love" with us..When we split up for what ever reason, that was one of those people that couldn't fall in love with us, because there default setting (if you like) was too different to ours..They just can't accept that, because their emotional mind has become stronger than their logical mind..On the subject of "the one", i don't think the one ever got away.."The one" would never leave us, & we would never leave "the one"..That's just logic which is what the dumpee never uses, they only think back & attach ever stronger emotions to their past..Trying to work out where they went wrong when they never did, they just weren't compatible by default & it takes time to find that out..It's funny when you think about it, because during the "honey moon" period everything is great..That's because both parties "aren't" using their default settings during that period, no that's when we're on our "best" behavior!lol..Both parties default settings are set much higher until after the honey moon period, eventually most people give up after 2.5 years on average.
I agree with you. A lot of people romanticize the past buy saying he/she was "the one" and they'll never find love again. However as you stated if they were (really) "the one" they would still be together!
I was one of them who thought I had let "the one" get away, & i did dwell on it for over a year..During that year i was reminiscing trying to work out what "I'd" done wrong, but "i" split up with her so how mad is that?..The mind is very tricky!l
Putting aside gender, I do think there is a real difference between fear of commitment and refusing to settle.
Fear of commitment in my opinion is a fear of settling and being committed (duh?). Even so, what does fear mean, and what are the symptoms of it . Fear is an emotion, that can cause pretty strong reactions such as avoiding doing something because they are afraid of it. The person with a "fear of commitment" may want to settle down but are stopped and can't do it due to various of reasons and concerns. This fear may be irrational but it is very real. Some reasons for a fear of commitment is fear of being hurt, fear of losing independence, fear of that this person could be wrong for them and/or that this person is not "the one". With fear their is doubt, uncertainty and the idea that there will be danger and pain involved. One thing to note is that fear of commitment is extremely similar to refusing to settle down. Even so, I think there is a difference.
Refusing to settle down is showing or indicating that you do not what to settle down or be committed. It can be because of a fear of commitment or other entirely different factors too. Factors such as not being the settling down type, not being ready to settle down at that specific time or not wanting to settle down at all. This person doesn't need to be afraid to not want to settle down. Fear is not exclusive or determining factor in someone's refusal to settle down. Some people don't believe in the social institution marriage or being with one sole person.
The real difference between refusing to settle down and fear of commitment is that for fear of commitment you are doing it based on the main emotion of fear, followed by doubt and uncertainty. While as, refusing to settle down can be a consequence or side effect of this fear of commitment. Or it can have nothing to do with fear at all. Again Fear is not exclusive or determining factor in someone's refusal to settle down
On your last point on it being so difficult for people to admit to themselves that they were not "the one", it's a simply a hard thing to do. To admit that is like saying you are flawed and the one you loved and who loved you back didn't wanted you because you weren't good enough for them. It's simply heartbreaking and heart wrenching. Why would you consciously admit that to yourself? I am sure people have an awareness of it, but that can physically and emotionally destroy someone.
Fear of commitment/refusing to settle could be viewed as two sides of the same coin! One wants to avoid making a (major) mistake. The other is holding out for "perfection". Admitting you’re not “the one” (helps you) to move on. It's the truth.
Yea, but I also think they are different. There are different reasons for both fear of commitment and refusing to settle, it's not just about " avoid making a (major) mistake" or "holding out for "perfection"
danicole,I guess what I'm really saying is the "end result" is the same! Both people are (not committing) to anyone at this time. According statistics both (will) eventually get married. People who "fear commitment" actually fear a messy divorce
Dashing........After a certain age......we realize these questions can be answered in fewer and fewer words, with more and more hard core facts of reality.......requiring no political correctness whatsoever..........
"Fear of Commitment" means: He has not yet found the woman who looks, feels & sounds like a woman......but thinks like a man.
"Refusing to settle" means: She insists on holding out, hoping the next guy will be just that much better than the last.....as she rejects herself right into a disillusioned, bitter and lonely 50 year-old Maid.
Too funny! The end result is neither one of these people will be getting married for a long time! You're right as we get older our list of "must haves" shrinks and we focus on the (important) stuff. There's no "perfect mate" or guarantees in life!
"Fear of commitment" and "refusing to settle" are both form of avoidance. I don't see much difference between those statements.
When you "refuse to settle" you don't want to admit that you really fear the commitment in a relationship. "Fear" sounds less good than "refuse". Am I right?
People who give such declaration have often, more or less, an avoidant style in their relationships. To be avoidant it isn't necessarily a good thing. It isn't good for your partner and it isn't good for the person who is avoidant.
I have to go now, so can't write right now anymore. However, I have written two hubs about attachment styles in relationships. This stuff helped me tremendous to better understand my ex-partner and the new one too.
Excellent point! The result is the same. Ego seems to come into play in the description. "Refusing to settle" implies one is in control of their choices and "Fear of commitment" implies one is (being controlled) by anxieties. Both are "avoiding".
Yes, I'm thinking like you. Exactly the same. Of course, there always may be an exception and somebody may need more time to "settle". This is OK; so long it is not like "for ever...."
i VERY MUCH ADMIRE THIS SOUND PIECE OF ADVICE..
If you are not ready or if he isn't ready, to make the commitment to get married. Then the situation should be 'rehashed'. And put off or delayed until you both agree. I'm not sure in what way you may mean, 'settled'. I feel that when something comes into making a final decision it is regarded as 'settled', to me that means pressure is involved, whether its over money or doing something you really are against at the moment or for ever!
In my eyes "settling" means reaching a final decision. However most see it as taking what they can get over what they want or feel they deserve. I wrote this. http://dashingscorpio.hubpages.com/hub/ … lly-settle
Excellent Hub. Interesting Question. Makes you think. Thank you, for reading my view to your hub! Have a nice Memorial Weekend, dashingscorpio....
Hi dashingscorpio! As always you raise a good question! I do believe it's the "You are not the one." Part that hurts. This form of rejection is a bitter pill to digest. I have a beautiful friend whose husband left her, she is a little hard to get along with because she is a bit self absorbed. Every conversation that we have is about why her man left the marriage she is shocked. She had all the plastic surgery one woman could get and he still up and left, and no matter how I try to tell her to move on, she is stuck on the rejection part.
swilliams, Thanks for stopping by and posting your answer. I agree it's hard to admit when we are not "the one". However once we do we can move on. We're always someone's "type". It's just a matter of the "right people" coming together! :-)
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