When dating do you believe there is real difference between being shallow and having preferences?
If a man refuses to date women who are overweight and a woman refuses to date men who are shorter than her would you consider them to be shallow? or Would you view it as having specific preferences? What makes one person's (elimination process) "shallow" compared to another person's "preference"? Is it all in the eye of the beholder?
I think everyone has preferences about who they are attracted to,and there are lots of reasons why we pick who we pick that can get very scientific. However, I think the difference between someone who is shallow and someone who just has preferences, is that the shallow person won't give ANYONE a chance who doesn't live up to his or her impossible standards! Like, they expect perfection, or forget it...they won't waste time even getting to know you.. Whereas someone NOT so shallow may not prefer shorter men, but she'll give a shorter guy a chance if she likes his personality. Oh wait...this begs the question, are men more shallow than women when it comes to looks? Hmmm...
Interesting! So basically someone who (sticks) to their "list of requirements" without making (exceptions) is shallow? Some might call them "disciplined" for knowing what they want and sticking with it! :-)
Perhaps someone who just focuses on physical appearance or money alone is considered shallow in this society.
NO, they AREN'T. Socioeconomic standing is one of the most important prerequisites & requirements as far as relationships go. NO FINANCE, well....NO ROMANCE. NOTHING'S WRONG w/money, honey!
I don't think having a list of initial requirements is shallow although a few things on the list can be shallow like height and breast size. I think it should be handled like everything else in life should. You have your core deal breakers which for me include smoking, since I am allergic to cigarette smoke, and wanting kids, since I can't have anymore. Then there are preferences that are not deal breakers like muscular, which can be worked on later, breast size (for Men) which can be accepted or augmented, and height. These are not deal breakers because they can be dismissed if their is a powerful connection with a good person.
Now to dismiss an amazing person with a connection (since all good people are not necessarily good for you or can connect to you) for something that isn't a core preference with reason behind it makes people idiots. Hahaha... It happens a lot actually.
This is actually a very good question. I never really analyzed this before. No one wants to be called "shallow," but I guess we all have our preferences!
Moms-Secret, I think a large part of being "individuals" means everyone is entitled to have their (own) "deal breakers" and "preferences". I think the term "shallow" implies there is a "universal list" that (everyone must accept) or be frowned upon.
I don't believe in anything universal including rules. Case by case is my way. I do love your topics scorpio...
None of it is shallow in my opinion. EVERY person has preferences. While a lot of a relationship is mental there are also key components which are physical. There is no difference in saying "I don't want a fat woman" than saying "I prefer a man with a college degree". There's nothing shallow about preferring a certain height, boob size or hair color. After all the first thing we usually notice about someone is looks. This is what attracts us to a possible mate. To each their own.
peeples, I'm incline to agree with you! The more I think about it the word "shallow" is meant to belittle someone who does not share (our) same values or "preferences". Each of us is entitled to want what (we) want. That's what makes us individuals!
Dashingscorpio, YOU'RE right! I have been called elitist because I contend that education and socioeconomic status are HIGHLY & VERY important in a relationship. Education & money indeed offer wider choices in life.
I think what it comes down to is what one finds attractive. I wouldn't want to waste my time dating someone who wasn't smitten by my outer appearance as well as my inner passions.
I knew my husband was Mr. Right when he was in awe over the way I organize my glue sticks!
In all seriousness, I think people feel most comfortable with someone they are attracted to. (Ok, here's a funny but true story. One time I went on a blind date. The man I was going to meet sent me a picture of himself. His wavy hair glistening against the background of a beach scene. Only thing was he was a midget. He didn't tell me that. Right away I was turned off. Not because he was a midget, but because he tried to fool me from the get go.) So having said that, I don't think it's shallow.
In large part this is a symptom of a larger issue. What do people want. IMO many relationships and marriages are doomed from the beginning because they are based on physical attraction and not personality compatibility. Many say they want a partner, but their concept of a partnership is them dictating what is to be done with the partner nodding in agreement. Both sexes dismiss the other. It’s a part of our current culture that we should treat each other as adversaries rather than equals. Some of these preferences deal with cultural stereotypes such as the ones around overweight and obese people or racial stereotypes.
As for the rest IMO it’s only shallow in how it is handled. If the guy wears a shirt “no fat chicks” or if a woman wears a shirt with a line at the arm pit saying “you must be at least this tall to ride the ride” then he/she is shallow. A good question for that guy is why is he dating? For companionship, s and giggles, to get laid, or to build a possible relationship?
mike102771, You made some valid points. However I do believe attraction cannot be overlooked. In fact it's cause for celebration that everyone does not want the same type of person in my opinion. However I do agree there is no need to be rude.
I would say there is probably both a social and a biological aspect to what we find attractive. The could be that at one time our attraction was part of the reproductive drive. Weed out possible weaknesses from the species.
In the end I do not think it really matters. Quick story. I always had a preference growing up. I dated guys with similar characteristics. Then I met a guy who was opposite of what I was use to. Turns out he was the one my heart fell for the most. Outer appearance will initially attract us to a person, but when we really get to know a person, the way they look to us will change.
Beautiful and most relevant question, for our time, and one which should grace the pages of times magazine or even for the world to see. Far too long our preferences and choices has been influenced if not dictated by movie images and the pages of glossy magazines. Even though fifty percent of the worlds population goes with their instinct and follow their hearts. The establishments brain washed us into believing and accepting what they think is beautiful and sexy based on looks, appearance and dress sense, only to help owners of certain products to become rich out of and through our ignorance. The other fifty percent who finds true love will say, some appearance, looks, even dress sense plays a part but did not deliver the killer punch for them it was something deeper. No wonder fifty percent of marriages fail, as people enter on a wrong precept. A few days after marriage things starts to go wrong and they wonder what happens? What went wrong, they follow all the rules, they married the "right guy" or "beautiful girl". Many of us will admit that growing up we have preferences but that when we met the true one all of those were forgotten. We need to understand that most of our desires or preferences are formed by society, ethnicity and culture. Which we are forced to accept or be ignored, disowned by our families. Some people can face serious conflict and their life situations changed forever if they fail to follow the norm. So the circumstances for many are different if we are seen to be out of line with the rest. We are so brainwashed that we end up doing the same as the previous generation. A brad Pitt must have a Angelina Jolie, a movie star must marry a movie star, a lawyer, another lawyer, if this doesn't happen we see big headlines, "They Don't Match!" However, somebody forget to mention that love has no, taste, smell, and color, or the beauty in someone except those in love. Onlookers will see, size of the pocket, looks, size of car or house, job, and those go with ethnicity and other factors which are formed in us by society. The movie "Shallow Al" is a case in point, and is a beautifully portrayal of what true love is. No one else could understand what he saw in the woman, but he was in love and loves covers anything negative, we don't see it until some one points it out. Likewise true love is best portrayed in the Biblical Text of 1 Corinthians 13, which I encouraged and advised all in love or potential lovers to read. It is beautifully written.
Kenny MG, You made many valid points about society's expectations especially with regard to "What does he/she see in them?" and the next minute we're accusing someone of being "shallow". Any girl with a rich man is a "gold digger" We're so cynical!
A person's specific preference is NOT shallow at all. All of us have our unique preferences as far as relationships go. Some men will only date statuesque women with blonde hair and blue eyes while others prefer ebony complected women with jet black hair and brown eyes. Some women like olive-skinned Mediterranean men while others prefer Scandinavian types. Some women like strongly mesomorphic men while others love the more ectomorphic style.
There are people who are only attracted to highly intellectual people while others are attracted to the athletic type person. Not to have specific preferences is unrealistic in its premise. ALL of US, without exception, have them. There are people who are only attracted to highly educated, highly successful, highly accomplished, affluent people. They WOULDN'T even glance at those who are moderately successful because such people AREN'T their cup of tea.
It is good to have HIGH standards as far as relationship requirements and prerequisites go. One would NOT want to date any old Joe or Josephina. It is good to have wants and parameters as far as relationships, particular more committal or marital relationships go. Many people date mindlessly, especially in the educational and socioeconomic area, much to their UTTER regret later on.
I believe that one has to be EXTREMELY CHOOSY as far as relationships go. One must ascertain all aspects of the person in question before entering into a relationship with him/her. One does not want to date a beef jerky but the choicest, primest filet mignon. There is ABSOLUTELY nothing wrong in having standards as far as the dating experience. Smart people date the same/up. Smart people want people who can enhance and improve them. They also want like minded and ambitious individuals. They also take into account the socioeconomic aspects of dating/relationships.
Remember, there is NO ROMANCE w/o FINANCE. Smart people NEVER date DOWN, they would never look at a person who is not in their specific educational and socioeconomic class e.g. a doctor would NEVER date a Walmart clerk or a sanitation worker. One has to be MINDFUL and CONSCIOUS regarding who HE/SHE dates. SMART people know this. This is why LIKE oftentimes attract LIKE. RICH, RICH; EDUCATED, EDUCATED; and SUCCESSFUL, SUCCESSFUL, etc. AFFLUENT people SELDOM, if ever, date POOR people!
I agree with you. EVERYONE has preferences! It's kind of arrogant for one person to say another's preferences are "shallow" because those traits are unimportant to (them). I advise people to "be true to yourself". If (you're) unhappy change!
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