cheating

1. 52

   meandererposted 13 years ago

   Any and all thoughts/opinions will be appreciated.  I would especially appreciate any feedback from the women out there (fellas you can chime in as well, but it is the woman's point of view that I am after!
   
   The scenario: Boyfriend asks girlfriend pointblank if she slept with another guy (whom she met during the term of the relationship) and the girlfriend says "I take the fifth"
   
   Now, before you rush to tell me what you think, some background.
   
   The background: I had been going out with this woman for approximately one year and change.  She is older than me by a few years, has a kid, has been married and divorced.  She is attracted to glitzy things and the finer things in life, i.e., money.  We had some arguments during the first year.  There were periods when we would not talk, then talk, get back together, overall a little messy.  I tell girlfriend I need to take some time off to clear my head.  I cut off communication for a month.  Girlfriend then texts me a picture with her and this new guy at a function (she is leaning in to him) - basically a provocative picture, as I interpret it, to piss off the boyfriend. 
   
   Fast forward.  We begin talking again.  I ask her flat out if she slept with the guy.  She pauses.  Then she says I "take the fifth" I push, but I get evasive answers.  The issue is revisited some time later.  Again, more evasive answers but the two answers I remember are (i) you will never know and (ii) that's what you get for walking away from the relationship (i.e., referring to the time that I cut off communication because I needed to clear mhy head) 
   
   On a tangential note, what is troubling is that after over a year of being, supposedly, exclusive, it takes a month for her to do something like this.
   
   To me "taking the fifth" means I slept/messed around with him.  My heart knows it and my gut knows it.  My mind, on the other hand has been overrationalizing this for way too long.  I feel silly posting this to ask, really, a rhetorical question, but I need validation to know that I am not crazy.
   
   If it helps your analysis/feedback the other guy has his own company, does extremely well financially and drives a high end car. 
   
   Any other information that you think you may need to know in order to formulate your opinion/answer, just ask and I will let you know. 
   
   Thank you in advance.  And for the record, we are not together anymore.

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   1. 0

      Brenda Durhamposted 13 years agoin reply to this

      My first question is---
      did YOU sleep with someone else?

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      1. 52

         meandererposted 13 years agoin reply to this

         Absolutely not.

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   2. 0

      cosetteposted 13 years agoin reply to this

      really?
      
      
      
      "I plead the Fifth" translates to "why yes, of course I did".
      
      if she intends to sleep with you, that could be dangerous. I would not sleep with her until she got tested for AIDS and other STDs.

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      1. 52

         meandererposted 13 years agoin reply to this

         Thank you all for all the insight, comments, opinions and advice.

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   3. 68

      Blogging Erikaposted 13 years agoin reply to this

      "I take the fifth" definitely means "I slept with him but I don't want to say so out loud."
      
      The question is, did she sleep with him while the two of you were together, or apart?  You mention that your relationship was on again/off again. 
      
      If she slept with someone while you were "off," then that does not constitute cheating.  She's allowed to do that.
      
      If you still find it upsetting, that's okay!  You're allowed to be upset by things.  But don't say she was "cheating," or try to blame her for it somehow.

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   4. 78

      Pamela N Redposted 13 years agoin reply to this

      She slept with him. If she didn't she would simply say no and not, "I plead the fifth."

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2. 80

   H.C Porterposted 13 years ago

   I plead the 5th, means 1 of 2 things-it is either yes (she slept with him) or No, I didnt sleep with him, but technically it is none of your business (even if I did) since we were not together.
   You say she has a kid and is older than you. May I ask how old are you and how old is she and how old is the child? I do have a reason for asking, it determines what I say next.

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      meandererposted 13 years agoin reply to this

      Mid thirties.  Early forties.  Teenager.

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3. 74

   AEvansposted 13 years ago

   First, she was playing head games to only gain your attention because she was older she felt that she was in control.
   
   Second, she is also quite insecure if after a month she chose to send a picture of her and someone else to you, you certainly do not need her anyway.
   
   Last, find someone that respects themselves and is not looking to dig into someone's pockets, odds are they are not looking for love they are looking for a sugar daddy.
   
   Love can last a lifetime , money may not.

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4. 58

   Pr0metheusposted 13 years ago

   I'm not going to say it was your fault for taking a month away from her, but IF she did something it was definitely because of that.  She was mad so she did something to make you jealous and get you back.  What she did was HER fault, but it was provoked.
   
   I plead the 5th could mean a couple things.
   
   1 - I did something and I don't want to tell you.
   
   2 - I did something and it is none of your business anyways because we were apart.
   
   3 - I didn't do something, and it isn't any of your business.
   
   4 - I didn't do anything, and I'm trying to make you jealous.
   
   Now, lets take a look at what these situations mean for you.
   
   1 - Do you really want to be with her if this is true?  You posted this, so I'm guessing no.
   2 - Same as 1.
   3 - Do you really want to be with someone who plays games with you like this?  Everyone plays games, but not to this extreme.  I'd like to hope the answer is no.
   4 - Do you really want to be with someone who would be deceptive just to evoke a reaction from you?  Like number 3 - for your self-esteems sake lets hope the answer is no.
   
   
   So, the options all bring up the same answer to the "Do you really want to spend your life, or more importantly what youth you have left, with this woman?"
   
   Undeniably the answer is no.  This post is just an attempt to negate this fact and allow you to rationalize sticking with a woman who is not worth your time.  You're worth more.  Move on, and find a woman who IS worth your time.
   
   P.S. Sticking with her is the easier choice in the short run... but a mistake in the long run.

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      H.C Porterposted 13 years agoin reply to this

      Well in all due respect to her, if they broke up, and HE cut off communication, she had every right to do whatever she wants.
      Isnt one of the dating rules Dont ask about how many their were before you...It is best if you dont know?
      On-OFF-Back On again, pushes the restart button...

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      1. 58

         Pr0metheusposted 13 years agoin reply to this

         I agree, but that's not the issue here.
         
         
         
         Yes, but for him that is obviously not an option for him if he asked... and is making this post.
         
         
         
         In my experience this mostly ends with an OFF forever.  This post is evidence for this...
         
         Move on!  Use what you learned.  Be confident, have fun... other women will come your way.  There are plenty of fish in the sea, so don't leave yourself stranded in the Desert!  Get back to the ocean!

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5. 80

   H.C Porterposted 13 years ago

   Move on!  Use what you learned.  Be confident, have fun... other women will come your way.  There are plenty of fish in the sea, so don't leave yourself stranded in the Desert!  Get back to the ocean!
   ____
   Good advice...do you have it on a pillow
   just kidding...
   
   I agree with the advice given. It's over, doesnt matter if she did or didnt-stop thinking about the past,it cant be changed.

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6. 40

   efeguyposted 13 years ago

   better since you are no longer together,instead of living in doubt is good you settle down again and move on with life.
   
   my opinion

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7. 71

   ddsurfscaposted 13 years ago

   I am in my mid 50's, and here is my take on this.   She is sending you pics, pleading the 5th, all these things to keep your attention.  She is a drama queen.  She is intending to make you jealous so that she gets some sort of reaction from you.  She  is not over you, but she is acting in a very immature way, because she is not doing anything to fix the relationship, she is just playing head games.  This is not adult-like behavior.

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8. 60

   Mortgagestar1posted 13 years ago

   Here's some humor. Eatin aint cheatin!

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9. 59

   TMMasonposted 13 years ago

   Once a cheat, always a cheat.
   
   We are creatures of habit, and changing one's behaviour is not that easy.
   
   Not many can accomplish it.
   
   Sorry.
   
   But I told my own niece that, I won't change it for a stranger. Take it for what you want. k.

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10. 61

    caravalhophotoposted 13 years ago

    OMG!!!  You were on a break!  Non of your business what she was doing or with who...she didn't know how long you may have needed to "clear your head" and when you did if she was going to be part of your life.
    
    Why stress over what doesn't matter...if your back together, then enjoy your time together, if you can't get over the picture in your brain, then move on...staying isn't healthy for either of you...
    
    Nobody cheated...you called the break, deal with it!
    
    Oh...at least she waited a month, some are already having a relationship before the break is called...even after 20 years of marriage.  Really, get over it.

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11. 0

    lyricsingrayposted 13 years ago

    I think the real question should be why do you need to know this information so badly.  Either way I promise it will get weird afterwards or possibly even hurt you.  Let her have her private 5th and let it go.  Afterall, she's with you now anyways.  Good Luck.

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    1. 52

       meandererposted 13 years agoin reply to this

       We are not together.  The reason why I "need" to know is to confirm that I am not "crazy."  Here is why.  There have been many times during the course of the relationship that my gut would tell me not to trust her, i.e., she would tell me she is going one place but really doing something else, not necessarily doing illicit things but seeing other guys.  For instance, she said she was going to a work party at a certain restaurant.  I called the restaurant.  They had no reservations for any work party and when I drove by the parking lot was pretty much empty.  When we spoke later in the night she was out with friends at a restaurant other than the one she said she was going.  To me, this is silly bs head games.  I committed myself and put my heart on the line, yet I was toyed.  Neverthelles, as the saying goes, the leopard does not change its spots.

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12. 72

    pylos26posted 13 years ago

    Did you ask her if she slept with her husband? that question would be equally as stupid.

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13. 61

    Dao Hoaposted 13 years ago

    "I plead the Fifth" translates to "why yes, of course I did".
    
    if she intends to sleep with you, that could be dangerous. I would not sleep with her until she got tested for AIDS and other STDs."
    
    This is a good advice. You should wait 6 months to be intimate with her.

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14. 57

    wesleyacarterposted 13 years ago

    Whether she slept with someone else or not is not really the issue here. You were on a break and it is her right to pursue other avenues for intimacy.
    
    However, by not answering your question, she is playing for power. This is an attempt to manipulate your behavior to not initiate a break again, and instead, wait for her to initiate. You traumatized and upset her illusion of power when you initiated a break. When you asked her if she slept with someone else, you gave that power back to her, or at least gave her an opportunity to rest it back from you.
    
    It is a truism that women are concerned with one thing in relationships: Power. Men: sex. A woman wants to know you will do whatever she asks whenever she asks it - not that she will really ask - she just wants to know that that power is there. (Ladies: I know this is generalized, but this covers at least 96 percent of women in America. the percentage drops with other developed countries). 
    
    The problem here, is that you visibly defied her struggle for power and by asking her if she slept with someone else, you attempted to expose this run for power, thereby igniting her to give you evasive answers. This power struggle is the defining aspect of any intimate relationship.
    
    Get back to a place where she believes she is in power (even if she is not) and continue the relationship, making your moves in a covert way in order to get what you want and to make her feel comfortable. ie. Be more subtle.
    
    Once again, what she did was NOT CHEATING.

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    1. 61

       Dao Hoaposted 13 years agoin reply to this

       Do you really want to play this game the rest of your life?

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          wesleyacarterposted 13 years agoin reply to this

          life is a game. are you a winner or a loser? is the question.

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             kmackey32posted 13 years agoin reply to this

             I like your answers the best. lol She did not Cheat.. Alot of woman just need security.

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15. 85

    donotfearposted 13 years ago

    When did this woman get out of Junior High school? Yesterday? These kinda head games are childish. Think of how she'd be if you married her. Whoa...sounds like an unstable mind.

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16. 74

    RecoverTodayposted 13 years ago

    Trust is the issue. If the warning signs are there, listen to them. Exactly what I write about in my articles.

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17. 0

    lyricsingrayposted 13 years ago

    Hub IT!

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18. 0

    sneakorocksolidposted 13 years ago

    I would never go back once I made a break, that said, I wouldn't let it get to that if I could stop it.
    
    I never had that discussion with my son but he never goes back either. I asked him why and he said if the problem was that serious then it's time to move on. Sex with another party on matter what is a deal breaker.

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