Why do women feel like they have to recreate themselves to win a man over?
"If you want something different (you) have to do something different."
If someone (continues) allow their significant others to control them it's because (that's what they want) in a mate.
Each of us gets to (choose) our own friends, lovers, and spouse.
If you're having one bad relationship after another it's probably time to reexamine your "mate selection criteria". The only thing all of your bad relationships have in common is (you).
There could be number of reasons why some women are drawn towards men who make them "earn" or "strive" for their attention and love as opposed to guys who immediately adore them. Maybe these women like the "challenge" that comes with "winning someone over".
Depending on the age of the woman she may be going through a "bad boy" phase. Their motto:
"We ignore those who adore us and adore those who ignore us."
You could stick such a woman in a room with 5 guys and have four of them drop on their knees extending out their heart towards her while the fifth guy sits in a corner sipping on a cocktail acting as if she doesn't exist. That will be the guy she wants to get to know!
He's a challenge, a mystery, she has to find out if she could get him, and she learns other women desire him it simply increases her desire to do whatever it takes to "win".
Another theory is maybe she had an absentee father or one who was present and yet not attentive, Daddy never made her feel special and she always had to bend over backwards to get him to praise her for anything.
She {learned} love isn't "given freely". You have to "earn it".
Some women just love "bad boys" and view the drama as a form of passionate excitement. Not knowing where she stands with him keeps her trying to top herself for fear he'll go elsewhere. If he gives her one compliment or does something nice for her she'll brag about it for years. It motivates her to try even harder.
Any "nice guy" who crosses her path is seen as boring or "too nice" and is put in the "friend zone".
Most women who experience a "bad boy" phase eventually move on or start to give "nice guys" a chance. I imagine some consider it settling and secretly wish they could have made it work with a ex. While others regret investing so much time and emotion on a jerk.
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