My husband might have a child. What can I do?

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   kld0517posted 12 years ago

   My husband slept with a friend when he was in his early 20's before we met.  She got pregnant and had her daughter 5 years ago.  She told my husband that her daughter could be one of like 3 or 4 people's including my husband.  I only saw her daughter for the first time yesterday and she does look a lot like my husband.  I am not sure what I should do about the situation.  I'm not sure if I should just ignore it and maybe it's just weird that they look a lot alike or if I should talk to my husband about it because it does bother me that he may have a child that the mother wants him to have nothing to do with and we can't have children of our own.

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      ubalildonposted 12 years agoin reply to this

      just have a one-on-one discusion with your husband, just be calm and not violent, i believe you guys will solve the problem together.

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         kld0517posted 12 years agoin reply to this

         Thank you for the advice.  I think that's what we will do.  I think that would be the best action to take.

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      lori warrenposted 12 years agoin reply to this

      You must remember that this was before you met. You need to know the truth. please think about what your husband wants to do with this info. This could be a chance of a lifetime or a broken heart ,either way please stand by your husband. You could love this child if u would open your heart, If you really love your husband you will think about what he wants and just go with it. we dont live long enough to have regret.

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      Onusonusposted 12 years agoin reply to this

      I think the kid deserves to have a dad.

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         lori warrenposted 12 years agoin reply to this

         i totally agree, and she herself deserves the chance to feel the love of a child.

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            kld0517posted 12 years agoin reply to this

            There is a man in her life that has raised her as her father.  It has only recently came about that her daughter might actually in fact be my husband's daughter.  The mother does not want support or any visitations from my husband.  Which makes it hard for me to understand why she told my husband this in the first place.  It's not that I don't want the girl in our lives.  She's beautiful and an amazing little girl.  It's just hard looking at her and knowing that my husband could already have what we have been trying so hard for the past 4 years to have.  I don't want to have a court order because I don't want to mess with the life that the girl has grown used to.  She is almost 5 years old and has believed her whole life that this one man is her father and I don't want to try to come in and change everything for her.  I just don't know.  My husband said he just wants to forget about it since the other woman is not trying to make my husband a part of her life but I just don't know if I'm okay with that.  If my husband does have a child I want him to be apart of her life.

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               lori warrenposted 12 years agoin reply to this

               You have to let him make that choice. I hope he  changes his mind so that if u do need to take legal action it happens while shes young. my son was in 2nd grade when his father gave him up for adoption to my husband. I know he was hurt but, today hes 15 and loves the dad who raised him. I beleive in things happining for a reason and i thank god that he is happy .

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               Daniel Carterposted 12 years agoin reply to this

               There is a lot of self torture here, beating yourself up about not being able to have a child yet, with your husband. It isn't really fair that she polluted your relationship with some fling she had, still not giving any credible evidence that he is the father for sure.
               
               If you recap the facts, and get rid of all the convoluted emotion, this woman is playing your husband. If there really is a man her life, why is she pulling him back in. Whatever she is doing is no good, I say. If her intention was to inform him of a possible child, she has yet to prove it.
               
               You have to realize that emotionally, your not having a child with your husband has NOTHING to do with this situation. It's separate from your own heartache about not having a child yet. It's best to keep them separate and deal with them separately.
               
               This is a tough situation and there aren't easy answers. But make sure your desire to have a child doesn't somehow suck you into this woman's web. If she doesn't have another motive than to inform your husband, she should have gotten the paternity test FIRST instead of sucking him in on hear-say.
               
               Just my two cents.

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                  kld0517posted 12 years agoin reply to this

                  I do feel like my jealousy and envy are getting in the way of my decision making and thought process of this situation.  I think the jealousy that this woman has slept with my husband and the envy that he may have a child with her. 
                  If she feels like she needs to know then the paternity test would be the best option.  I know we are married and we should make decisions together but I don't think my emotions can allow me to make a rational decision regarding this and it just has to be something that they decide together.  I will support my husband on whatever he decides and stand by him. 
                  
                  I thank all of you for your input and I know you don't know me or anything but it has really helped getting an outsiders perspective on this.

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                  Pandoras Boxposted 12 years agoin reply to this

                  Yes. What Daniel said. Always listen to what Daniel says. He keeps us all level-headed around here.
                  
                  
                  I thoroughly concur. If I'd seen it first, it would have saved me a post, plus he says it all way better anyway.
                  
                  Listen to Daniel. Sage advice.

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                     Daniel Carterposted 12 years agoin reply to this

                     Girl, be my publicist. PUHLEEEEZE???!
                     You are too much. Very nice of you, but too much.
                     
                     But to kld517, the ONE thing that I have had to learn time and time again is to get my emotions out of it and look at facts. If you can do that for even 10 minutes, it will clear your thinking and you'll know what to do next. And for the record, I think you're smart, intuitive and gentle. Good for you for loving your hubby so much. But don't sacrifice yourself. If you do, you won't have any way to keep loving him.
                     
                     Be well, and best wishes.

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                        kld0517posted 12 years agoin reply to this

                        Thank you so much.  You have really made me open my eyes to a lot of things just in the last hour.  You seem very kind and very great with words.  Thank you again Daniel.

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                           Daniel Carterposted 12 years agoin reply to this

                           
                           
                           They say I'm kind, but nobody knows what "kind."
                           
                           
                           You're going to be okay. You eat an elephant one bite at a time.

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      2besureposted 12 years agoin reply to this

      Well, you said, it was before you met him, so the good part is, he didn't cheat on you.  Have the paternity test and go from there.  If it is his child, obviously there is nothing that can be done but to encourage him to be a part of his child's life, with you.

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      Dave Mathewsposted 12 years agoin reply to this

      To be totally certain that the kid is his a DNA paternity test would either rule him in or out as daddy. That is the first step.

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   Mighty Momposted 12 years ago

   It sounds like your husband is still in communication with the woman. How about getting a paternity test to know for sure if the child is his?
   I am also very sorry to hear about your situation, as I know how devestating it is to want a child and not be able to have one.
   I hope you and your husband are able to resolve your feelings about being childless together. Whatever your desires are, I sincerely hope you are able to fulfill them.
   Good luck. MM

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      HattieMattieMaeposted 12 years agoin reply to this

      Well if you believe it's his, you should get a court ordered blood test, and go from their. Better the child knows not than wait for a big surprise when it's older, and for visitation, the court will decide that when you state the case.

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   rebekahELLEposted 12 years ago

   It sounds rather sad to me. Doesn't the mother want to know who the biological father is? Is she married to this man in her life? On the other hand, if the child is happy and provided for well in her home, it seems like it would be so difficult for a 5 year old to understand that someone else is her father. If your husband wants to forget about it, that is his choice, and may be the best one at this time.

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      kld0517posted 12 years agoin reply to this

      She is not married to the man in her daughter's life.  She has accepted him as the father but has had conversations with my husband concerning her being my husband's child.  I feel like she doesn't want to have a paternity test done and I don't feel like it's my place to bring it up.  I believe
      since it was before my husband and I met (which I am thankful it means he didn't cheat on me) that maybe it's not my business.  We don't have children together so I can't think from a mother's perspective.  I feel like I have come to a solution to just let it be and if the mother wants to address it later then deal with it then.  I can't be the person that destroys a perfectly good relationship of a father and a daughter and I'm a firm believer that family doesn't have to be blood.

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   optimus grimlockposted 12 years ago

   all you can do is have a paternity test and go from there. If the child is his then you guys will figure it out. You just have to be there and support him with this!!

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      Home Girlposted 12 years agoin reply to this

      I was about to say that. Absolutely! Paternity test, otherwise she'll be playing with him like a cat with a mouse regarding this child. I hate women like that. How can you possibly not know who is the child's father? Unless you are a brainless slot.

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         Pandoras Boxposted 12 years agoin reply to this

         There, but for the grace of Gaea, ...

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   Pandoras Boxposted 12 years ago

   You recognize that you have mixed-up feelings and are honest about your own potential weakness. That's a strength!
   
   Don't do anything about the kid which you know wouldn't equally be right even if you did already have 3 kids in your home. It's a tough situation, especially perhaps since you're not able to be directly involved at this point.
   
   But it's really good that you recognize the potential conflict of interest in your motives. So you must be extra careful to look at the issue dispassionately. First of all it's not your decision, but of course you do have influence. Secondly, going against what the mother wants could backfire, so make sure doing so is worth it to the child's well-being. Thirdly things always change, so if you choose today to leave well-enough alone it doesn't mean dad and daughter will never have a chance to know each other, it just means that right now may not be the best time for that to happen.
   
   I'm sure you're exploring the options regarding your own situation, and I'd just second the notion that there are alot of unloved children out there. Foster parents (the good ones who aren't just in it for the money) are truly angels, if you've got the heart for it.
   
   
   And if none of that is striking any chords, you could always drag your husband, his ex and the kid onto the Maury show.
   
   Good luck!

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      kld0517posted 12 years agoin reply to this

      Thank you for your input.  My husband and I have considered being foster parents.  My grandparents used to be foster parents and I have always loved children and wanted to do something meaningful with my life.  Down the road if we are still unsucessfull at having our own children that is a very definate possibility. 
      
      After really considering this and weighing in all the options and input from all of you and my friends I think I have decided to let my husband and this woman work this out on their own terms.  It is not my place to demand a paternity test.  It is not my place to ruin a bond between a man and a child that is already there.  I can tell from the short time I was around them that they are great together and I would never want anyone to take that away from me let alone me do that to someone else. 
      
      Being there to support my husband and any decision he does make is the only role that I should be taking in this situation.  And correct, my input is important but unnecessary.  I love my husband and I don't blame him for his past.  We cannot change it, only learn from it and move on.

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   Pandoras Boxposted 12 years ago

   Daniel you know I'm never nice.

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      Daniel Carterposted 12 years agoin reply to this

      Spicy for sure.

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   prettydarkhorseposted 12 years ago

   Your attitude is nice. Support your hubby so that he may be the best father he can be.

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