My Favourite Church (Warning - Satire ahead. Unsafe for the Devout)

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  1. Eric Graudins profile image61
    Eric Graudinsposted 9 years ago

    If you want a break from the mindless stuff dished out by the latest crop of knuckleheads who appear to be taking over the religious forums with reams of cut and pasted garbage, pay a visit to the Landover Baptist Church website.

    It's religious parody at it's finest!

    http://www.landoverbaptist.org/

    And if you are presently unsaved, their $439 certificate of Eternal  Security is a good deal. (but see small print about the $10,000 activation fee smile )
    http://www.landoverbaptist.org/news0101 … ation.html

    Cheers,
    Eric G.

    WARNING: THE SUBJECT OF THIS THREAD SAYS UNSAFE FOR THE DEVOUT FOR A VERY GOOD REASON.

    DON'T SAY YOU WEREN'T WARNED, AND DON'T COME HERE COMPLAINING TO ME IF YOU ARE OFFENDED.

  2. Ron Montgomery profile image61
    Ron Montgomeryposted 9 years ago

    http://www.landoverbaptist.org/2009/august/henrygateslarge.jpg

  3. AsherKade profile image59
    AsherKadeposted 9 years ago

    so it's like some regular somedy site under the veil of a church site, but not really a church?

    http://imgcash3.imageshack.us/Himg194/scaled.php?server=194&filename=0811.gif&xsize=640&ysize=480

    1. Eric Graudins profile image61
      Eric Graudinsposted 9 years agoin reply to this

      No Asher, It's not really a church.

      And if you want to see some amazing stuff, go and read their letters page.
      They publish all the hate mail that they receive.

      1. AsherKade profile image59
        AsherKadeposted 9 years agoin reply to this

        I know...it just seemed like a dumb waste of time , talent, or whatever...to expel energy on a hate site...guess I cling onto innocence despite my job...

        1. Eric Graudins profile image61
          Eric Graudinsposted 9 years agoin reply to this

          I understand that the site makes a fortune  from merchandise, adsense, etc.

          Dumb like a fox smile

        2. Mark Knowles profile image61
          Mark Knowlesposted 9 years agoin reply to this

          It made me laugh. Does that make it a waste of time? Or are you a "serious" writer and have no time for such things?

          @ Eric - I am still laughing. Did you read the "Do pets go to heaven?" article?

          http://www.landoverbaptist.org/news0106 … eaven.html

          1. Eric Graudins profile image61
            Eric Graudinsposted 9 years agoin reply to this

            Yes, that's a classic. and there's loads more to keep you amused for ages.

            The "Modern Cults" article at http://www.landoverbaptist.org/sermons/modern.html is pretty good too.

            As is the send up of Amazon http://www.landoverbaptist.org/thelittlejew.htm

            I'm surprised you haven't heard of Landover Baptist before.
            It puts the Fun into Fundamentalism.

            Don't forget to check out the forums and merchandise too: The bumper stickers, t-shirts, etc. are brilliant.


            @froggy: you'll also need a "What Would Jesus Do" thong.

            1. frogdropping profile image85
              frogdroppingposted 9 years agoin reply to this

              This is more me:
              http://images2.cafepress.com/product/5194042v1_350x350_Front_Color-White.jpg
              Though I prefer a lot more material and a lot less string.

  4. lrohner profile image79
    lrohnerposted 9 years ago

    OMG, that website hurt my eyes. Couldn't stay on there for more than 2 seconds.

    1. AsherKade profile image59
      AsherKadeposted 9 years agoin reply to this

      lol....I agree!

    2. Eric Graudins profile image61
      Eric Graudinsposted 9 years agoin reply to this

      Why? It's no worse that any of the newspaper sites with loads of pictures, and links to various stories.

  5. Colebabie profile image61
    Colebabieposted 9 years ago

    Haha. Yeah I totally failed the "Bible Sex Quiz"

    1. Eric Graudins profile image61
      Eric Graudinsposted 9 years agoin reply to this

      You need to study harder :0

      1. Colebabie profile image61
        Colebabieposted 9 years agoin reply to this

        Oh I got the sex part down. Bible part... not so much.

  6. AsherKade profile image59
    AsherKadeposted 9 years ago

    I guess I am talented...I have both down....
    big_smile

  7. Sanctus Vesania profile image60
    Sanctus Vesaniaposted 9 years ago

    landoverbaptist.com

    I remember that site!  It's brilliant satire actually.

  8. frogdropping profile image85
    frogdroppingposted 9 years ago

    Well - I've had a shufty and a laugh. 'Tampons - Satans Little Fingers'. Brilliant.

    It's not just full of satire, it's dripping down the screen as you read. If anyone doesn't 'get it' then ... smile

  9. Eric Graudins profile image61
    Eric Graudinsposted 9 years ago

    @Mark
    There's an associated site, www.Bettybowers.com
    Betty Bowers is America's Best Christian.

    There's a part where you can send a good old fashioned christian rebuke to the godless. (I've sent you one smile )
    http://www.bettybowers.com/oprah.html

    From the site:
         

        New Age "Jesus is Love" Hallmark Greeting Card Christians make the real Jesus reach for His Vicodin! Now, you can let them know how irritating their Disneyfied Jesus is to the wrathful God depicted in the Bible. Send them an automated, head-spinning rebuke: the E-buke! Just press a button and Betty & Jesus do the rest!

        You can send an E-buke from this page letting someone know they are a Fake Christian -- or CLICK HERE to send an E-buke to let someone know that Landover Baptist Salvation Evaluation Committee has determined that they are going straight to Hell. If you wish to be even more pointed in your righteous judgment, you can send them a notification that they are a FAKE CHRISTIAN and make Jesus vomit by CLICKING HERE. Truly, being self-righteous has never been so easy. Glory!

  10. earnestshub profile image86
    earnestshubposted 9 years ago

    What the hell do I do now? I"m an unsaved Moron!

    1. Eric Graudins profile image61
      Eric Graudinsposted 9 years agoin reply to this

      As an agent of the Rev. Deacon Fred, I can help you if you email me with your credit card number, expiry date, and the available balance.

      We'll have you saved in no time smile


      (And I suppose that I better put a disclaimer here to the tut-tut-tutters who will pop up and say that you should never email your credit card to anyone - especially me.)

      DISCLAIMER:
      This is a joke. NEVER email your credit card details to anyone. But Earnest is a Victorian, and therefore pretty stupid, and he'll do so anyway)

      1. earnestshub profile image86
        earnestshubposted 9 years agoin reply to this

        Eric, so pleased you replied in time for me to be saved. I now see the truth in what you said about we Victorians! I got all the questions wrong, and was next in line for hell, damnation, contamination, vexation, constipation taxation, and eternal torture. I remain, fearfully yours,
        an ex non believer.

        1. Eric Graudins profile image61
          Eric Graudinsposted 9 years agoin reply to this

          Thanks Earnest.

          I've processed your payment for $13,428.87, and you can now consider yourself saved.

          And when you add some more funds to your card, let me know.
          for another $100 I'll send you a little badge so that you can proudly display your new status to the rest of the world.

          1. earnestshub profile image86
            earnestshubposted 9 years agoin reply to this

            Yes please Eric! (can I still call you that?)I'm topping up ye carte as we speak. I am becoming less afraid by the minute!

            1. Eric Graudins profile image61
              Eric Graudinsposted 9 years agoin reply to this

              Thank You.
              Given our new relationship, It will cost an extra $1,000 a month for you to continue calling me Eric.
              I call it a "Respect Offering". I've made the charge in anticpation of your agreement.

              And I'm also thinking of starting a new Australian church:
              "The Church of the Holy Boomerang".

              It will be the first truly honest church - we will proclaim right up front that we are bent.

              Perhaps you can help me with the important initial planning, ie Membership fees.

              1. earnestshub profile image86
                earnestshubposted 9 years agoin reply to this

                Naturally I sold the car and made the extra payment Eric! Oh how I feel just saying that name!!!!!!!!!!!

                Being almost a real Australian (Just the one head) I would enjoy being a part of any bent church, and declaring it upfront sounds so very Oz.
                I will get started on some fees and charges, as soon as I can.
                Again thank you for the opportunity to be saved.

                ERIC, there! I said it again!

  11. Mark Knowles profile image61
    Mark Knowlesposted 9 years ago

    lol

    And I am wondering why these people have not been smitten.

    Eric - thanks for the rebuke, I am duly chastised. lol

    1. Eric Graudins profile image61
      Eric Graudinsposted 9 years agoin reply to this

      You certainly have been.
      And your hubber score is going to go down. Way down.
      Look - It's already down to 99.

      I'd forgotten about the good old rebuke. Might be an idea to drop bits of it into appropriate posts on the forum lol

      1. Mark Knowles profile image61
        Mark Knowlesposted 9 years agoin reply to this

        Oh Crap! Do you think if I start another thread asking what the issue is it will go back up? lol

        1. Eric Graudins profile image61
          Eric Graudinsposted 9 years agoin reply to this

          Nah. The rebuking algorithm is much more powerful than the hubpages algorithm.

  12. tantrum profile image60
    tantrumposted 9 years ago

    I think you should begin with this impressive show to recruit new followers 4 your 'Bent Church'

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ryeDZVhEuAo

    1. earnestshub profile image86
      earnestshubposted 9 years agoin reply to this

      That video is a must for the true bent churcher!
      Tantrum, you are the bees knees of humor with ease!

  13. tantrum profile image60
    tantrumposted 9 years ago

    And this is you Children's Guide 2 religion . Amen!!


    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_wmP0tJUNOI

    1. earnestshub profile image86
      earnestshubposted 9 years agoin reply to this

      Now that, dear tantrum should be compulsory education! smile

  14. tantrum profile image60
    tantrumposted 9 years ago

    And now become a crazy preacher and you're done. Good luck!


    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aWPAjTE5zSU

    1. earnestshub profile image86
      earnestshubposted 9 years agoin reply to this

      Flabbergasted! Sin destroyed, by that lil ole holy ghost! I am now educated and ready to build the bloody bent church meself!!!!! No really!! smile smile smile smile

    2. XTASIS profile image60
      XTASISposted 9 years agoin reply to this

        lol lol lol

  15. Eric Graudins profile image61
    Eric Graudinsposted 9 years ago

    Wow. where do I get one of those
    white suits.

    That first video was great, but I had plans for something with a bit more impact.

    He was just pushing or flipping his coat at his flock to make them fall over.

    I think that throwing hunting boomerangs at them would be a lot better, and also leave a blessed mark where the boomerang struck.

    Now - where can I get a lot of people who can accurately throw boomerangs?

    And Tantrum: Methinks  that I'm getting the flavour of someone else when I read your posts. I'll have to take more notice smile

  16. earnestshub profile image86
    earnestshubposted 9 years ago

    Eric, (Receipt for speaking your name No 001099)  can throw a boomerang better than most, and even have my own. I really like the thought of "wacking some sense in to them" that this implies.

    1. Uninvited Writer profile image83
      Uninvited Writerposted 9 years agoin reply to this

      But...does you boomerang come back?

      1. earnestshub profile image86
        earnestshubposted 9 years agoin reply to this

        Yes of course uninvited writer!
        Although, only on Tuesdays between 2 and 3pm.

  17. Eric Graudins profile image61
    Eric Graudinsposted 9 years ago

    Thanks Earnest.

    You can be the Sergeant at Arms.
    (but if they've joined up under the sign of the Holy boomerang then by definition they're very smart, and don't need any sense wacked into them smile )

  18. XTASIS profile image60
    XTASISposted 9 years ago

    Can I join? I'm a boomerang myself smile

  19. tantrum profile image60
    tantrumposted 9 years ago

    When are you going to open the church ,Master ? This lady XTASIS  wants 2 join in big_smile  You'll lose your followers! I bet she isn't around any more sad

 
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