My Favourite Church (Warning - Satire ahead. Unsafe for the Devout)

1. 61

   Eric Graudinsposted 13 years ago

   If you want a break from the mindless stuff dished out by the latest crop of knuckleheads who appear to be taking over the religious forums with reams of cut and pasted garbage, pay a visit to the Landover Baptist Church website.
   
   It's religious parody at it's finest!
   
   http://www.landoverbaptist.org/
   
   And if you are presently unsaved, their $439 certificate of Eternal  Security is a good deal. (but see small print about the $10,000 activation fee )
   http://www.landoverbaptist.org/news0101 … ation.html
   
   Cheers,
   Eric G.
   
   WARNING: THE SUBJECT OF THIS THREAD SAYS UNSAFE FOR THE DEVOUT FOR A VERY GOOD REASON.
   
   DON'T SAY YOU WEREN'T WARNED, AND DON'T COME HERE COMPLAINING TO ME IF YOU ARE OFFENDED.

   replyreport
2. 61

   Ron Montgomeryposted 13 years ago

   

   replyreport
3. 58

   AsherKadeposted 13 years ago

   so it's like some regular somedy site under the veil of a church site, but not really a church?
   
   

   replyreport
   1. 61

      Eric Graudinsposted 13 years agoin reply to this

      No Asher, It's not really a church.
      
      And if you want to see some amazing stuff, go and read their letters page.
      They publish all the hate mail that they receive.

      replyreport
      1. 58

         AsherKadeposted 13 years agoin reply to this

         I know...it just seemed like a dumb waste of time , talent, or whatever...to expel energy on a hate site...guess I cling onto innocence despite my job...

         replyreport
         1. 61

            Eric Graudinsposted 13 years agoin reply to this

            I understand that the site makes a fortune  from merchandise, adsense, etc.
            
            Dumb like a fox

            replyreport
         2. 57

            Mark Knowlesposted 13 years agoin reply to this

            It made me laugh. Does that make it a waste of time? Or are you a "serious" writer and have no time for such things?
            
            @ Eric - I am still laughing. Did you read the "Do pets go to heaven?" article?
            
            http://www.landoverbaptist.org/news0106 … eaven.html

            replyreport
            1. 61

               Eric Graudinsposted 13 years agoin reply to this

               Yes, that's a classic. and there's loads more to keep you amused for ages.
               
               The "Modern Cults" article at http://www.landoverbaptist.org/sermons/modern.html is pretty good too.
               
               As is the send up of Amazon http://www.landoverbaptist.org/thelittlejew.htm
               
               I'm surprised you haven't heard of Landover Baptist before.
               It puts the Fun into Fundamentalism.
               
               Don't forget to check out the forums and merchandise too: The bumper stickers, t-shirts, etc. are brilliant.
               
               
               @froggy: you'll also need a "What Would Jesus Do" thong.

               replyreport
               1. 80

                  frogdroppingposted 13 years agoin reply to this

                  This is more me:
                  
                  Though I prefer a lot more material and a lot less string.

                  replyreport
4. 68

   lrohnerposted 13 years ago

   OMG, that website hurt my eyes. Couldn't stay on there for more than 2 seconds.

   replyreport
   1. 58

      AsherKadeposted 13 years agoin reply to this

      lol....I agree!

      replyreport
   2. 61

      Eric Graudinsposted 13 years agoin reply to this

      Why? It's no worse that any of the newspaper sites with loads of pictures, and links to various stories.

      replyreport
5. 61

   Colebabieposted 13 years ago

   Haha. Yeah I totally failed the "Bible Sex Quiz"

   replyreport
   1. 61

      Eric Graudinsposted 13 years agoin reply to this

      You need to study harder :0

      replyreport
      1. 61

         Colebabieposted 13 years agoin reply to this

         Oh I got the sex part down. Bible part... not so much.

         replyreport
6. 58

   AsherKadeposted 13 years ago

   I guess I am talented...I have both down....
   

   replyreport
7. 60

   Sanctus Vesaniaposted 13 years ago

   landoverbaptist.com
   
   I remember that site!  It's brilliant satire actually.

   replyreport
8. 80

   frogdroppingposted 13 years ago

   Well - I've had a shufty and a laugh. 'Tampons - Satans Little Fingers'. Brilliant.
   
   It's not just full of satire, it's dripping down the screen as you read. If anyone doesn't 'get it' then ...

   replyreport
9. 61

   Eric Graudinsposted 13 years ago

   @Mark
   There's an associated site, www.Bettybowers.com
   Betty Bowers is America's Best Christian.
   
   There's a part where you can send a good old fashioned christian rebuke to the godless. (I've sent you one )
   http://www.bettybowers.com/oprah.html
   
   From the site:
        
   
       New Age "Jesus is Love" Hallmark Greeting Card Christians make the real Jesus reach for His Vicodin! Now, you can let them know how irritating their Disneyfied Jesus is to the wrathful God depicted in the Bible. Send them an automated, head-spinning rebuke: the E-buke! Just press a button and Betty & Jesus do the rest!
   
       You can send an E-buke from this page letting someone know they are a Fake Christian -- or CLICK HERE to send an E-buke to let someone know that Landover Baptist Salvation Evaluation Committee has determined that they are going straight to Hell. If you wish to be even more pointed in your righteous judgment, you can send them a notification that they are a FAKE CHRISTIAN and make Jesus vomit by CLICKING HERE. Truly, being self-righteous has never been so easy. Glory!

   replyreport
10. 86

    earnestshubposted 13 years ago

    What the hell do I do now? I"m an unsaved Moron!

    replyreport
    1. 61

       Eric Graudinsposted 13 years agoin reply to this

       As an agent of the Rev. Deacon Fred, I can help you if you email me with your credit card number, expiry date, and the available balance.
       
       We'll have you saved in no time
       
       
       (And I suppose that I better put a disclaimer here to the tut-tut-tutters who will pop up and say that you should never email your credit card to anyone - especially me.)
       
       DISCLAIMER:
       This is a joke. NEVER email your credit card details to anyone. But Earnest is a Victorian, and therefore pretty stupid, and he'll do so anyway)

       replyreport
       1. 86

          earnestshubposted 13 years agoin reply to this

          Eric, so pleased you replied in time for me to be saved. I now see the truth in what you said about we Victorians! I got all the questions wrong, and was next in line for hell, damnation, contamination, vexation, constipation taxation, and eternal torture. I remain, fearfully yours,
          an ex non believer.

          replyreport
          1. 61

             Eric Graudinsposted 13 years agoin reply to this

             Thanks Earnest.
             
             I've processed your payment for $13,428.87, and you can now consider yourself saved.
             
             And when you add some more funds to your card, let me know.
             for another $100 I'll send you a little badge so that you can proudly display your new status to the rest of the world.

             replyreport
             1. 86

                earnestshubposted 13 years agoin reply to this

                Yes please Eric! (can I still call you that?)I'm topping up ye carte as we speak. I am becoming less afraid by the minute!

                replyreport
                1. 61

                   Eric Graudinsposted 13 years agoin reply to this

                   Thank You.
                   Given our new relationship, It will cost an extra $1,000 a month for you to continue calling me Eric.
                   I call it a "Respect Offering". I've made the charge in anticpation of your agreement.
                   
                   And I'm also thinking of starting a new Australian church:
                   "The Church of the Holy Boomerang".
                   
                   It will be the first truly honest church - we will proclaim right up front that we are bent.
                   
                   Perhaps you can help me with the important initial planning, ie Membership fees.

                   replyreport
                   1. 86

                      earnestshubposted 13 years agoin reply to this

                      Naturally I sold the car and made the extra payment Eric! Oh how I feel just saying that name!!!!!!!!!!!
                      
                      Being almost a real Australian (Just the one head) I would enjoy being a part of any bent church, and declaring it upfront sounds so very Oz.
                      I will get started on some fees and charges, as soon as I can.
                      Again thank you for the opportunity to be saved.
                      
                      ERIC, there! I said it again!

                      replyreport
11. 57

    Mark Knowlesposted 13 years ago

    lol
    
    And I am wondering why these people have not been smitten.
    
    Eric - thanks for the rebuke, I am duly chastised.

    replyreport
    1. 61

       Eric Graudinsposted 13 years agoin reply to this

       You certainly have been.
       And your hubber score is going to go down. Way down.
       Look - It's already down to 99.
       
       I'd forgotten about the good old rebuke. Might be an idea to drop bits of it into appropriate posts on the forum

       replyreport
       1. 57

          Mark Knowlesposted 13 years agoin reply to this

          Oh Crap! Do you think if I start another thread asking what the issue is it will go back up?

          replyreport
          1. 61

             Eric Graudinsposted 13 years agoin reply to this

             Nah. The rebuking algorithm is much more powerful than the hubpages algorithm.

             replyreport
12. 60

    tantrumposted 13 years ago

    I think you should begin with this impressive show to recruit new followers 4 your 'Bent Church'
    
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ryeDZVhEuAo

    replyreport
    1. 86

       earnestshubposted 13 years agoin reply to this

       That video is a must for the true bent churcher!
       Tantrum, you are the bees knees of humor with ease!

       replyreport
13. 60

    tantrumposted 13 years ago

    And this is you Children's Guide 2 religion . Amen!!
    
    
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_wmP0tJUNOI

    replyreport
    1. 86

       earnestshubposted 13 years agoin reply to this

       Now that, dear tantrum should be compulsory education!

       replyreport
14. 60

    tantrumposted 13 years ago

    And now become a crazy preacher and you're done. Good luck!
    
    
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aWPAjTE5zSU

    replyreport
    1. 86

       earnestshubposted 13 years agoin reply to this

       Flabbergasted! Sin destroyed, by that lil ole holy ghost! I am now educated and ready to build the bloody bent church meself!!!!! No really!!

       replyreport
    2. 59

       XTASISposted 13 years agoin reply to this

        

       replyreport
15. 61

    Eric Graudinsposted 13 years ago

    Wow. where do I get one of those
    white suits.
    
    That first video was great, but I had plans for something with a bit more impact.
    
    He was just pushing or flipping his coat at his flock to make them fall over.
    
    I think that throwing hunting boomerangs at them would be a lot better, and also leave a blessed mark where the boomerang struck.
    
    Now - where can I get a lot of people who can accurately throw boomerangs?
    
    And Tantrum: Methinks  that I'm getting the flavour of someone else when I read your posts. I'll have to take more notice

    replyreport
16. 86

    earnestshubposted 13 years ago

    Eric, (Receipt for speaking your name No 001099)  can throw a boomerang better than most, and even have my own. I really like the thought of "wacking some sense in to them" that this implies.

    replyreport
    1. 77

       Uninvited Writerposted 13 years agoin reply to this

       But...does you boomerang come back?

       replyreport
       1. 86

          earnestshubposted 13 years agoin reply to this

          Yes of course uninvited writer!
          Although, only on Tuesdays between 2 and 3pm.

          replyreport
17. 61

    Eric Graudinsposted 13 years ago

    Thanks Earnest.
    
    You can be the Sergeant at Arms.
    (but if they've joined up under the sign of the Holy boomerang then by definition they're very smart, and don't need any sense wacked into them )

    replyreport
18. 59

    XTASISposted 13 years ago

    Can I join? I'm a boomerang myself

    replyreport
19. 60

    tantrumposted 13 years ago

    When are you going to open the church ,Master ? This lady XTASIS  wants 2 join in   You'll lose your followers! I bet she isn't around any more

    replyreport