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Religion and Atheism Jokes

  1. profile image0
    Deborah Sextonposted 8 years ago

    The best way to get out aggression is through laughter.

    Post your jokes here.

    No getting offended. Remember they are jokes. Don't take it personal..Its not always about YOU!

    1. Mark Knowles profile image60
      Mark Knowlesposted 8 years agoin reply to this

      The best way of being aggressive is to make fun of rational people who do not believe what you believe? I thought the best way of getting aggression out was to attack people and accuse them of something they would never do and then refuse to apologize.....

      So - why do you feel so aggressive towards atheists? Does it really bother you that we do not believe in your rubbish so much?


      I have loads of jokes poking fun at your ridiculous beliefs. Do you have any funny atheist jokes or do they all rely on there really being a god after all?

      Which is pretty funny if you think about it. lol lol

      1. profile image0
        Deborah Sextonposted 8 years agoin reply to this
  2. profile image0
    Deborah Sextonposted 8 years ago

    Belief does not make genies exist
    An atheist buys an ancient lamp at an auction, takes it home, and begins to polish it. Suddenly, a genie appears, and says, “I’ll grant you three wishes, Master.” The atheist says, “I wish I could believe in you.”
    The genie snaps his fingers, and suddenly the atheist believes in him. The atheist says, “Wow. I wish all atheists would believe this.” The genie snaps his fingers again, and suddenly atheists all over the world begin to believe in genies. “What about your third wish?” asks the genie. “Well,” says the atheist, “I wish for a billion dollars.” The genie snaps his fingers for a third time, but nothing happens. “What’s wrong?” asks the atheist. The genie shrugs and says, “Just because you believe in me, doesn’t necessarily mean that I really exist.”

  3. profile image0
    Deborah Sextonposted 8 years ago

    The christian lady next door to the atheist
    There was a Christian lady who lived next door to an atheist. Every day, when the lady prayed, the atheist guy could hear her. He thought to himself, "She sure is crazy, praying all the time like that. Doesn't she know there isn't a God?"

    Many times while she was praying, he would go to her house and harass her, saying "Lady, why do you pray all the time? Don't you know there is no God?" But she kept on praying.
    One day, she ran out of groceries. As usual, she was praying to the Lord explaining her situation and thanking Him for what He was gonna do. As usual, the atheist heard her praying and thought to himself, "Humph! I'll fix her."

    He went to the grocery store, bought a whole bunch of groceries, took them to her house, dropped them off on the front porch, rang the door bell and then hid in the bushes to see what she would do. When she opened the door and saw the groceries, she began to praise the Lord with all her heart, jumping, singing and shouting everywhere! The atheist then jumped out of the bushes and told her, "You ol' crazy lady, God didn't buy you those groceries, I bought those groceries!"
    At hearing this, she broke out and started running down the street, shouting and praising the Lord.

    When he finally caught her, he asked what her problem was. She said, "I knew the Lord would provide me with some groceries, but I didn't know he was gonna make the devil pay for them!"

    1. profile image49
      kellyjdrummerposted 5 years agoin reply to this

      Did the atheist "think to himself" because he didn't believe he could think, or just took it for granted that there are no mind readers?

  4. profile image0
    Deborah Sextonposted 8 years ago

    That's a funny one Mark..about the hats

  5. profile image0
    Deborah Sextonposted 8 years ago

    Atheists and light bulb
    How many atheists does it take to change a light bulb?
    Two. One to actually change the bulb, and the other to videotape the job so fundamentalists won’t claim that god did it.

  6. profile image0
    Deborah Sextonposted 8 years ago

    http://heartsongpoetry.yolasite.com/resources/moses.jpg produces:

  7. profile image0
    Deborah Sextonposted 8 years ago

    Joke by Emo Phillips comedian out of the "Best 75 Jokes Ever"

    I was walking across a bridge one day and I saw a man standing on a ledge, about to jump off. So I ran over and said, "Stop! Don't do it!"
    "Why shouldn't I?" he said.
    "Well, there's so much to live for." "Like what?" "Well, are you religious?" He said yes. I said, "Me too! Are you Christian or Buddhist?" "Christian." "Me too! Are you Catholic or Protestant?"
    "Protestant." "Me too! Are you Episcopalian or Baptist?"
    "Baptist." "Wow, me too! Are you Baptist Church of God or are you Reformed Baptist Church of God?"
    "Reformed Baptist Church of God." "Me too. Are you Reformed Baptist Church of God, Reformation of 1789 or Reformed Baptist Church of God, 1915?"
    He said, "Reformed Baptist Church of God, Reformation of 1915."
    I said, "Die, heretic scum!!" And pushed him off the bridge.

  8. profile image0
    Deborah Sextonposted 8 years ago

    Sh-t happens In Every Religion

    Sh-t happens.
    If sh-t happens, it's not really sh-t.
    If sh-t happens, it's the will of Allah.
    Sh-t happens because you don't work hard enough.
    Why does this sh-t always happen to us?
    This sh-t happened before.
    Sh-t happens because you're bad.
    Hare Krishna
    Sh-t happens rama rama.
    T.V. Evangelism
    Send more sh-t.
    No sh-t.
    Jehovah's Witness
    Knock knock, sh-t happens.
    There's nothing like a good sh-t happening.
    Christian Science
    Sh-t happens in your mind.
    Maybe sh-t happens, maybe it doesn't.
    Let's smoke this sh-t.
    What is sh-t anyway?
    This sh-t doesn't bother me.

    1. earnestshub profile image87
      earnestshubposted 8 years agoin reply to this

      Got a schoolgirl giggle outta me! These are very funny... are there more? lol

  9. BobLloyd profile image61
    BobLloydposted 8 years ago

    I like the one from Emo Philips:

    When I was a little boy, I prayed for a bicycle.  Then I realised that religion didn't work like that so I went out and stole one and prayed for forgiveness.

    1. profile image0
      Deborah Sextonposted 8 years agoin reply to this

      LOL Cute..

      I like the one with the baby Moses most.

  10. Will Apse profile image90
    Will Apseposted 8 years ago

    Never give out your real name and address, Deborah. One of the many benefits of religion is it gives crazy people a home. Poking the homes of crazy people upsets them mightily. It also upsets the un-crazy people who happen to be religious. We all rely on those un-crazy people a lot more than seem to you realize.

    1. profile image0
      Deborah Sextonposted 8 years agoin reply to this

      First... though Deborah is my real name..Sexton isn't. So I'm ahead of you there.
      Which one are you? Crazy or un-crazy?
      A believer or a nonbeliever?