Even from my infancy I was conscious of my deep murderous nature. I easily cherished the death of unpleasant persons. Besides that every vice was present too. When I reached youth sexual sins were added to that list. Overwhelmed by these I sought gods in my Hindu religion. But their murderous and sexual exploits fascinated me most. I dwelled on them often. Their war episodes were very interesting to my depraved nature. As a result I was almost finished. Then leaving them in despair I searched in other religions and found Christ in Christianity. He heard my prayers and saved me from the brink.
I knew from him that we all are Heaven fallen souls(it is in Indian scriptures too). We all had rejected Heavenly father after accepting devil, the murderous-suicidal spirit of pride. So we fell in his kingdom of sin and death (anti-love). So, murderous spirit is lurking deep in every heart. In me it was very open. Though I tried to hide that, I enjoyed or apathetic to the injury and death of other people. I watched apathetically drowning and suffering people. Conscience stricken I knew that by myself I can’t change my evil nature, having experienced the futility of it. Kindly Christ guided and enabled me to serve orphans and destitute. It slowly began to lessen my murderous nature as love began to grow. But my long practice acquired evil nature always impeded my charity works. Another danger came now from Old testament and Revelation. My murderous nature led me to be fascinated in the violent episodes in them and the ultimate killer hell-sending god. So Christ inspired me to reject them after 30 years of cherishing them. It happened when I started the Muslim ministry and countered their hell-sending Allah. I found that is derived from Revelation.
Though now my sinful nature has become controllable in 53 years of Christ-following, it lurks beneath the surface hindering my ministries. I beseech Christ to convert me totally but he says “I shall help you to rise from the depth you have descended. But full conversion will make you proud. What is freely got is freely lost”
