Weird Guinness World Records Part Two....Warning...May Cause Laughter

Well, that’s a good question isn’t it? Maybe a better question is why are you reading this? I’m just going to end up being sarcastic and make fun of a bunch of people. I know, it seems mean, but that is not my intention. I just find humor in everything I come across, and this stuff is FUNNY!

Let’s face it, we all love the absurd; it makes us feel just a bit more normal. As I mentioned in my first installment of this series, I rounded up seventeen friends back in the 60’s and we set the world record for longest softball game at 42 hours, so I know a little bit about being weird.

I actually celebrate those who do these stunts. I love the fact that they are willing to be silly and frivolous, and yes, risk ridicule for doing the absurd. Life is too short to take it so seriously. Ya gotta have fun and these record-holders must have had a ton of fun grabbing their fifteen minutes of fame.

So let’s check out some world records, shall we? Thanks to the people at Guinness for supplying the fodder for my silliness, and thanks to those out there who have set these records. I truly do celebrate your spirit in setting these achievements, no matter how strange you all are!

Andy Wiltz leapfrogged over ten standing people at Seaman High School in Topeka, Kansas. It should be noted that he got a running start but still, ten people? Were they all short? I mean, it just says people. It could have been ten first graders, right? It could have been ten midgets! Still, I don’t think I could leapfrog over ten rabbits let alone people.

What most people don’t realize is that immediately after setting the record, Andy tried to break the record by leapfrogging over eleven people. Sadly, he failed, and was immediately treated at a local hospital for a serious testicle injury. Ewwww! I have to wonder if Andy was able to father a child later on in life. Hell, was he even able to get a date later in life….or even walk properly?

The record is 11 feet 5 inches and I couldn’t find the name of the person who set the record….sorry! I want to know how that conversation went. Guy walks up to a midget and asks him if he would mind being tossed eleven feet for a world record. Midget looks at the guy, ponders for awhile, and then decides this sounds like a great idea.

Hey, don’t shoot the messenger! I’m just repeating what was already done.

Wait a minute! You don’t suppose this record was set right after Andy jumped over the ten midgets. Might as well kill two birds with one stone, right? Jump over them and then toss them about. Let’s play midget toss! It’s a game sensation in Kansas but then you have to realize how boring things are in Kansas to really appreciate this game. Watch for it coming soon on ESPN! Tiger Woods is fading fast; maybe he could go for the world record in driving a midget with a four-wood.

Ewwww! Australian Graham Barker has collected belly button lint for over twenty years and now has more than a half-ounce of this stuff. I have to be honest with you; this is not something a normal, sane person would think of. I understand jumping over short people, but collecting your belly button lint?

Forget what I said in the introduction; I don’t salute Graham at all. This goes way beyond weird and enters bizarre. Do you think he has a glass display case for his lint? Do you think Graham has ever gone out on a date? Can you see him bringing his date home after a movie and showing her his collection? She would break the world record for getting the hell out of his house in the fastest time!

Badamsinh Juwansinh Gurjar from India did not cut his mustache for 22 years and it grew to twelve and a half feet.

What does he do, let it drag on the ground, or does he flip it over his shoulder while he walks? I’m thinking it would come in handy for dusting the house. Just stand in the middle of the room and turn in a circle real fast. They should have hired this guy for those milk commercials years ago….GOT MILK?

Now I had a mustache years back, and I know for a fact food can get stuck in them; with twelve feet this guy could carry a snack around with him no matter how long he was traveling. One good thing is he would never get lost in the wilderness. The rescuers could just follow the trail of food and the drippings of milk coming off of his mustache. Just sayin’.

A man in Lithuania lifted 130.2 pounds with his beard. I don’t know about you, but to me, that sounds painful. My apologies to all midgets in the world, but it seems to me our Lithuanian friend could make some money giving midgets rides on his beard. It could be a new amusement park ride; the guy could spin around in a circle as fast as possible and the midgets could hold on for dear life in the ultimate thrill ride.

Wait a minute! If he did that, and the midgets let go while he was twirling them, then that would be a midget toss, right? I’m thinking he could easily break that world record of 11 feet 5 inches. In fact, we’re looking at the Daily Double for world records….longest midget toss and most weight lifted by a beard, all in one action.

That’s right, I said ears! Dimitry Kinkladze lifted 105 pounds with his ears for a total of ten minutes. I am trying to picture how someone would do this and I’m coming up blank. How do you strap a weight onto your ears? Would it be like an ear ring? Wouldn’t that wreak havoc with your ear lobe?

Now if his name had been Dumbo I wouldn’t have any trouble believing this.

A street-legal sofa traveled at 87 miles per hour to set the record. There was actually a human being among us who had nothing better to do than install an engine in a sofa and drive it around town. Can you imagine being pulled over by a cop for a speeding ticket on a sofa?

Sixteen inches high with an 11-inch platform! Kelly, you love shoes; would you wear those babies? It seems to me you could only wear them to an NBA game if you were out looking for a date. Otherwise you would tower over the average guy and we all know what that does to a man’s ego, right?

For the life of me I can’t imagine why you would wear these unless you were a midget, and then you would have to take them off before being tossed eleven feet, right? You couldn’t hang from someone’s beard because your shoes would touch the ground. Man oh man, talk about complicate your life and eliminate a lot of fun opportunities!

Seriously, I can only handle so much weird in one day. One of my best friends is named Tweetie, so that should give you an indication of what my life is like. Why do I need to add to the weirdness?

Believe me, there are many more where these came from, but you’ll just have to wait until next time. Until then, remember to tell your children not to talk to strangers, especially if the strangers are hanging from someone’s ears or picking themselves up after being tossed eleven feet. Also, make sure you look both ways before crossing a busy street. You don’t want to get run over by a sofa!

2012 William D. Holland (aka billybuc)