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Top Google Search With Humor: What Happens If You Swallow Gum and Other Nonsense
Once again we take time out from our busy lives to discover what our fellow human beings are most interested in. This installment of “Funny Google Searches” is inspired by my friend Sha who offered the question “what happens if” and asked me to write this hub in response to that question. You can get to know her as bravewarrior at http://bravewarrior.hubpages.com/. Sha’s wish is my command and here it is.
For the un-initiated, I type a partial question into the search engines and then find out what others in Internet Land are searching for. Their responses are at times hilarious and at other times a bit scary, but they are never boring. Of course, I always feel compelled to add my own brand of humor.
Shall we begin?
WHAT HAPPENS IF YOU SWALLOW GUM?
It is a scientifically proven fact that if you swallow gum you will belch more often but the belch will smell like spearmint, which isn’t a bad trade-off at all if you ask me.
No it’s not a scientifically proven fact you ninnies! I made that up! Heck, we have all swallowed gum, usually in school when the teacher asks us if we are chewing gum. What happens? Absolutely nothing! How could someone not know this? What do you think is going to happen? Oh, wait, are you talking about bubble gum? That’s a bit different! If you swallow bubble gum then you might want to avoid farting. Just sayin’.
WHAT HAPPENS IF YOU SWALLOW WEED?
I’m going to assume that people aren’t asking about dandelions when they type this search in!
Before we move on with an answer, I want it made very clear, in case any law enforcement officers are reading this, that I have never personally done this. What follows is purely a guess on my part! I hope we are all clear on that fact.
What happens if you swallow weed? You will experience some very mellow bowel movements for ten to twelve hours and will giggle often while you are having those movements.
Okay, that makes two responses having to do with the anal area. It is definitely time to move on.
WHAT HAPPENS IF YOUR DOG EATS CHOCOLATE?
I can tell you without hesitation that your dog will not have mellow bowel movements nor will they be giggling if they eat chocolate. I’m sorry; I just couldn’t keep myself from writing that tasteless joke. Again, let’s move on and try to move past sophomoric humor.
WHAT HAPPENS IF YOUR APPENDIX BURSTS?
Well, if your appendix bursts you are going to wish you hadn’t eaten so much gum and weed! In fact, you are going to wish you were dead because it hurts like hell. In fact, if your appendix bursts you aren’t going to be sitting around typing into the search engines what happens if it bursts; you are going to be far too busy dialing 911. You are going to feel like a dog after it eats chocolate. Does that help? What is it with all these questions about eating foreign substances? Oh, wait, we have one more eating search. Oh never mind, I don’t want to do it! My article and my choice!
WHAT HAPPENS IF YOU MISS JURY DUTY?
Finally, a question not pertaining to eating or bowels, unless of course you miss jury duty because your appendix burst from eating Juicy Fruit. You may not know this but your government does not have a sense of humor. In fact, there may not be a more glum group of people in the world than the U.S. Government, so I would strongly suggest you do not miss jury duty or the next time you wake up from a weed-eating coma you will find there is now a jury waiting for your trial.
What do you mean what happens? Right on the jury duty notice it says if you fail to appear you can be fined or worse. I swear it says that! Or worse! That leaves a whole bunch of possibilities, from jail time to the CIA making you disappear! DO NOT MESS WITH THE GOVERNMENT! Unless, of course, you are the head of a major corporation in which case you can do whatever the hell you want to do and the government won’t touch you. Just keep slipping them more campaign contributions and everything will be fine.
WHAT HAPPENS IF THE GOVERNMENT DEFAULTS?
That’s an easy one! We just borrow more money from China so it won’t happen! Everyone knows China owns the U.S. right now and there is no way China wants the U.S. Government to default. Following that very logical way of thinking you can count on China buying our Twinkies and Ho Ho’s for a very long time to come. Hey, even the Chinese have a sweet tooth!
Okay, but what happens if your government really does default on its loans? To the average American, say 99% of us, absolutely nothing. It’s not like things could get any worse, right? We will just go on living our lives, scratching out a subsistence living and waiting for the government to actually serve the people instead of the special interest groups….like the Chinese government.
This is pretty basic stuff folks but I’m glad I could help you out.
I wonder if they grow weed in China? If not that might be a boost to our economy if we could start dealing to them. I would love to see a billion Chinese giggling uncontrollably.
WHAT HAPPENS IF THE SUN DOESN’T SHINE?
Well, I have lived in the Pacific Northwest for most of my life and we can go months without seeing the sun and nothing has happened yet. Oh sure, we have a tendency to grow mold on our webbed feet, but that’s not a very big deal. We also have a tendency to eat a lot of weed because of depression issues but that beats the heck out of heat stroke if you ask me!
If you decide to miss jury duty they might put you where the sun doesn’t shine; just something to think about.
I’VE GOT A LIFE SO THAT’S IT FOR NOW
Now that I think about it, if I’m sitting at a computer writing articles about other people doing Google searches, what kind of life do I really have? Sheez, now I’m depressed! I think I’ll do some research on the Chinese marijuana sub-culture, if there is one. If there is I think it’s time to pull my hydroponics gear out and get to growing. I could be living the high life very quickly if I can establish a market before anyone else and then I can get out of the 99% and start thumbing my nose at the government.
China: The Land of Opportunity!
2012 William D. Holland (aka billybuc)
For more Funny Google Searches articles see the following:
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