Top Google Search With Humor: When Will I Ovulate and Other Nonsense

I have neglected this series for far too long. It is about time we jump back into the fire and see what our fellow internet junkies have been searching for lately. They never disappoint me as they continually search for the bizarre and downright scary.

I remember clearly the first time I did one of these Google searches; one of the more shocking ones was “How Do I Make Chloroform?” I still shudder when I think that thousands out there want to know the answer to that question. Is there really that big a need for chloroform? Perhaps a better question to ask is how many degenerates does it take to screw in a light bulb? If you have a daughter that is of dating age, make sure you do a background check on anyone who wants to date her; he may be making chloroform at this very moment.

So let’s not delay any longer. Today’s search question is: When Will I…….? Let’s see what our next-door neighbors are doing with their spare time.

Start showing what? I’m a guy! How am I supposed to know when you are going to start showing? I was twenty-five before I figured out what caused you to show in the first place. Imagine my surprise! Somehow Sister Mary Catherine failed to mention that in her discussion of family planning. Maybe she didn’t know; I mean, she WAS a nun! Come to think of it, why would a nun ever teach the birds and the bees? Don’t you think it’s a good idea to have someone with a little experience teach about sex? Sheez, no wonder I had to see a therapist for so many years.

No, I’m not going there! You can beg me all you want but there is no way I’m answering this question. The powers of HubPages can breathe a sigh of relief cuz’ this boy ain’t touching this one. I don’t know when you will ovulate and I don’t care; just do it in the privacy of your own home, please! I suspect this has something to do with when you start showing but again, I have three words….Sister Mary Catherine!

If, however, you fail to ovulate, then you really need to have a talk with Tom, Dick or Harry…or all three!

Well hopefully before you start showing! Otherwise, you are going to have some explaining to do at the next big family gathering, and Sister Mary Catherine won’t be there to bail your ass out of that mess!

Oh, you want a serious answer? You will get married when you stop watching reality tv and get a date! Of course, you can do what so many in the United States do nowadays, and just date over the internet on sites like Match.com. Of course, beware of anyone who says they are a chemist, because they are probably brewing up a batch of chloroform as we speak.

Well, if you are showing and he knew nothing about it, chances are you may not see him again. He has already changed his locks, changed his phone number, and changed his underwear!

If you are ovulating then my suggestion is you don’t even mention it to whomever it is you need to see. If it’s a guy you are just going to confuse him when you mention ovulation. Men have a tendency to break out in a cold sweat when you say words like that.

On the other hand, if you are a practical joker, then some day when you are in a crowded elevator, say in a loud voice, “I started ovulating today.” You will be surprised how quickly that elevator clears out.

Oh please! Not the “L” word! If you are finding your dates online then the answer is never! If you are finding your dates on a reality tv show you are participating on, the answer is never!

If, however, you are a chemist, and you are finding your dates on the CHOLOFORM FORUM, then there is a good chance you will find love very quickly. There are quite a few people on those forums who are looking for love in all the wrong places. As President Clinton used to say, “just make sure you don’t inhale.”

Do you know what bothers me most about this question? We don’t get these any longer, right? And yet there are people out there searching for a date when they will receive a check that does not exist! Maybe they could search for the address for Santa Claus while they are at it.

Wait, I have the answer! You will get your stimulus check when you actually go to work…it’s called a paycheck! However, there is one loophole that you might like to know about. If you are a United States Senator or Congressman, then you will be receiving your stimulus check from the fat cats who pay for your vote. Just call up the oil industry or someone from Chase Bank. They can’t actually write you a check but they can deliver cash to you in a brown paper bag.

This has to be an online game, right? Or some game for some gaming system? I’m hoping that’s the case because if there really is a death clock and it is about to toll for me, I’d kind of like to know about it.

What does this say about America? We have thousands of people so enraptured by a video game that they are looking for answers online. Why aren’t they outside enjoying the weather and nature? Why aren’t they out begging for a date like I did at their age? Why aren’t they learning about ovulation and pregnancy instead of when some imaginary death clock kills them? I truly have serious concerns about our country.

I’m dying a slow death while writing answers to these stupid questions. I don’t know when you are going to die but I know you will wish you were dead when you stop ovulating, or when you find out that extra belly fat is actually Baby Karen rather than the remains of that German Chocolate cake you ate.

There are people out there who actually believe that the answer to this question is on Google. OMG! This frightens me on so many levels, not the least of which is that these people are part of our failing economic system. There is only one good thing about all of this: all of these people are shopping at Walmart, so we always know where they are.

I seriously need a drink after writing this! Oh, wait, I can’t drink! Now what will I do? I think I’ll jump in the car and go search for the death clock. You don’t suppose it’s in Walmart, do you? Right next to the Ovulation Aisle?

I wonder if Amway sells chloroform? I think I’ll do a Google search and find out!

2012 William D. Holland (aka billybuc)