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Why Don't I Like People and Other Nonsense

Updated on October 10, 2013

My Opening Warning Statement

Okay, maybe not a warning, but more an editorial comment. The last article for this series that I did had a shelf-life of two days before the writing site of HubPages pulled it for adult content. In truth, that was two days more than I expected, so I’m feeling pretty good about that. I had never had an article banned before, either, so I’m feeling pretty good about that, too.

Having said that, you might want to read this one quickly in case the Hub gods pull it after their morning snack.

Naw, they won’t pull this one! This one is rated PG….well, maybe PG 13, but nothing worse than that….well, maybe……

So get comfortable and let’s see what silliness I can come up with. The premise is this: I type in a partial question on the search engines, and then I see what real questions are being searched for. Then I add a touch of humor to the mix and we come up with something like this.

Oh, almost forgot….the partial question for today is….why don’t I….?

Now this is sweating!
Now this is sweating! | Source

Why Don’t I Sweat?

We have two choices for an answer; do you want the good news or the bad news first?

The good news is you don’t sweat because you are a lazy, good-for-nothing bum who still lives at home and has mommy do your laundry for you. Yes, that was the good news! The bad news is you don’t sweat because you are dead!

Honest to God, people, I don’t care why you don’t sweat! Just be grateful you don’t have those stains under your arms like the rest of us working stiffs have, or those stains near the butt-crack like plumbers and old men named Clyde! Those are disgusting; about the only thing more disgusting is a butt-crack stain on a girl named Clyde….just sayin’.

Why Don’t I Get My Period?

I think this is like the fifteenth of these articles I have done, and I swear there are a lot of questions about periods. It makes me wonder why girls don’t know this stuff; are mom’s not having “the talk” with daughters anymore? Are schools not teaching health or Sex Ed anymore?

Okay, I’ll play devil’s advocate on this one. Do you want the good news or the bad news first?

The good news is that maybe you are just irregular and you skipped a month. The bad news is you better be buying baby clothes in the very near future, and you might also want to have a talk with Tom, Dick, or Harry about his role in this little unfolding drama. I’ll bet after you have that talk with him that he will be sweating! However, if he is a little momma’s boy then just drop him and go it alone. You will be much better off!

Where is the man of my dreams?
Where is the man of my dreams? | Source

Why Don’t I Have a Boyfriend?

Can you imagine anyone typing this into a search engine? What do they expect for an answer? Do they think there is some guy sitting in Rochester, New York, who answers all of these questions?

“Hey, it’s Dick in Rochester! You don’t have a boyfriend because your parents never got you braces and you look like the Wicked Witch of the North.”

Now that would be a downer! Maybe you don’t have a boyfriend because you keep announcing that you missed your period! I can promise you that kind of announcement will clear out a room in a heartbeat! You will see a whole bunch of guys sweating after that announcement.

Why Don’t I like People?

Again, Dick in Rochester….”you don’t like people because you blame everyone for your crooked teeth.”

Oh that Dick has a wicked sense of humor, doesn’t he? Okay, but to the schmucks who can’t figure out why they don’t like people….maybe they got dropped on their head as a baby, and now they think everyone they see is going to drop them. Maybe they have been dating too many guys named Dick!

Maybe, and I’m just tossing this out there, they are anti-social momma’s boys who are still ticked off that Santa Claus doesn’t exist, and now they hate anyone with facial hair, including their Aunt Martha, who in many ways looks like Santa Claus.

What say you? Is there any hope for these people?

See results

Why Don’t I Have a Girlfriend?

Hopefully these aren’t the same people who want to know why they don’t have a boyfriend. Boy, would that ever be strange. Not only are they cross-dressers but they have self-esteem issues to boot. Talk about a heavy load to bear!

I’m guessing they don’t have girlfriends because they haven’t discovered deodorant and toothpaste, and they still have a mullet and watch “Saturday Night Fever” at home alone.

I rest my case

Why Don’t I Dream?

Two-hundred thousand insomniacs are doing this search. Eyes propped open, barely functioning, dead on their feet, and they can’t figure out why they aren’t dreaming. However, the good news is that at least they are hallucinating, which is like dreaming only with your eyes open. Welcome to the 60’s, buttheads, and Strawberry Fields forever!

There are things worse than not dreaming. You could be spending all your time wondering why you don’t have a girlfriend OR a boyfriend. Now that would be tragic!

Why Don’t I Feel Good?

You don’t feel good because you haven’t had a period in two months and you can’t get in touch with Tom, Dick, or Harry, and now you are the one who is sweating. At least you had a boyfriend, so stop your whining.

You don’t feel good because you don’t like people, Santa Claus is dead, and the guy you thought you loved is a cross-dressing truck driver from Skokie, Illinois!

Words of wisdom????
Words of wisdom???? | Source

Why Don’t I Get Hangovers?

I don’t know and I don’t care. I have had enough of them for both of us, and I’ll be glad to teach you how to get one if you are really aching for misery. Follow these simple steps: Drink a bottle of rum. That’s it; that’s about all you need to know! Just make sure after you drink that bottle of rum that you don’t go on the internet and announce that you are looking for a girlfriend AND a boyfriend. You will have so many problems that the hangover will seem like a walk in the park.

No More Time for Today

Well, I have more time, but I don’t choose to waste it by helping these people any longer. I have my own problems and I don’t see anyone lining up offering to help me. I’m an alcoholic and an adoptee; I’m old and my bones are aching. I was brainwashed in Catholic school and I couldn’t buy a date until I was twenty-two, and I could write a book on hangovers. I have three dogs that poop on the deck and one cat that insists on rubbing her butt in my face. YOU THINK YOU HAVE PROBLEMS?????

p.s. You should have seen the question I erased from this hub! That one would have surely gotten me banned. :)

2012 William D. Holland (aka billybuc)

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    • pstraubie48 profile image

      Patricia Scott 4 years ago from sunny Florida

      Oh my...Tom, Dick, and Harry are always causing trouble. They are painfully honest it seems. Sometimes the wicked side would like to be more than honest with others ..and then take it back?? Well, maybe.

      I read it in a hurry as I did not want to miss out a chuckle. My fav was: why don't I feel good? I think that would make anyone not feel good. Thanks for the smiles, Billy. I can count on you.

      And happy election week.

    • stephhicks68 profile image

      Stephanie Hicks 4 years ago from Bend, Oregon

      Love these funny hubs, Bill! Its hilarious how you tie all the "answers" to the silly questions together. Cannot believe the searches about "why don't I sweat," and "why don't I get a hangover"? Geesh, these people should be grateful, rather than curious! :)

      Happy Sunday! Steph

    • profile image

      Audra Fisher 4 years ago

      Remind me to run if I see Dick in Rochester! LOL!!! I like watching you vent in your writing!!!

    • carol7777 profile image

      carol stanley 4 years ago from Arizona

      Don't sweat it...I love the questions ...and you always have so much fun with them. Computer acting up so I will be short today...All very funny.

    • billybuc profile image
      Author

      Bill Holland 4 years ago from Olympia, WA

      PS, I smile every single time I see you stop by; some day we will have to sit down and enjoy each other's company in person; I promise that we will laugh. :) Thank you my friend, and if I see Tom, Dick, or Harry, I'll send them your way.

    • billybuc profile image
      Author

      Bill Holland 4 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Happy Sunday to you, Steph, from mild and dry Olympia. I have to cut loose about once a week so I don't stay all serious all the time. :) I appreciate you my friend; thank you!

    • billybuc profile image
      Author

      Bill Holland 4 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Audra??? Me, vent??? LOL I like to have a little fun once in awhile. Make sure you tell Dick hi for me if you see him. :)

    • billybuc profile image
      Author

      Bill Holland 4 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Carol, you are right....I always do have great fun with these. Thank you for battling computer problems to stop by, and have a great Sunday.

    • Curiad profile image

      Mark G Weller 4 years ago from Lake Charles, LA.

      Why do I....

      Oh nevermind, Great Hub Bill!

      Mark

    • Jeannieinabottle profile image

      Jeannie InABottle 4 years ago from Baltimore, MD

      Wow, I want to live in a world without hangovers, periods, and sweat. Sigh. What is up with people? I am happy I had the opportunity to read this hub before it gets banned. I will vote it up and I wish you luck keeping this one online!

    • billybuc profile image
      Author

      Bill Holland 4 years ago from Olympia, WA

      LOL...Jeannie, I think we are okay with this one, but only because I erased one of the questions....seriously....the question was...."why don't I get wet." I'll leave you with that one!

      Thank you Jeannie!

    • billybuc profile image
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      Bill Holland 4 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Mark, I really appreciate you stopping by; I know things are tough, and it says a lot about you as a man and friend that you still take the time to support a friend.

    • Jeannieinabottle profile image

      Jeannie InABottle 4 years ago from Baltimore, MD

      Hahaha... oh man, you were trying your best to keep this hub PG-13, weren't you? Yet another fascinating question... ;-)

    • billybuc profile image
      Author

      Bill Holland 4 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Jeannie, I would have gotten banned for sure with my answer to that one. :)

    • marcoujor profile image

      Maria Jordan 4 years ago from Jeffersonville PA

      May I be the first to vote this UP, FUNNY and all the rest...?!

      Oh man, I worked with a boss named Dick ( don't go there ) and I had to stare a his big fat wet armpits with an exceedingly straight face. OK, today, no way! He needed BAN...get it...!!

      You really could write a book on these, Bill...they are just so way out there. Love them in a head shaking way...Hugs, Maria

    • Vellur profile image

      Nithya Venkat 4 years ago from Dubai

      Enjoyed ha ha!!! Entertained!!! Great write, keep writing these series!!

    • billybuc profile image
      Author

      Bill Holland 4 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Vellur, they are great fun, for me, to write them; I'm glad others enjoy them.

    • Janine Huldie profile image

      Janine Huldie 4 years ago from New York, New York

      Bill, would have loved to see the question that surely would have gotten this Hub banned. Seriously, love this series and so enjoy getting a good laugh from them. Plus these people definitely make me feel just that much better about myself!! Have of course voted up and shared all over :)

    • billybuc profile image
      Author

      Bill Holland 4 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Maria, I get it for sure, and thank you! I always think back to a kid I grew up with, who obviously had never been introduced to Ban. Needless to say, we were not "close" friends. LOL

    • billybuc profile image
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      Bill Holland 4 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Janine, welcome back! All is right in my world when I see you comment on a hub! :) You are right, of course; these people do great wonders for our own self-esteem. :) Thank you my dear!

    • fpherj48 profile image

      Paula 4 years ago from Beautiful Upstate New York

      ROFLMAO!!!!!!!!! I especially love the last two answers! This has given me ab-strain and fits of coughing.

      The humor (or shock) in these questions, to me, bill, is....I find myself wanting to ask a serious question of my own.....like...."Do you believe that "HELL," is actually being locked in a room with all the people who ask idiotic questions online.....for all eternity?" Well, it's at least easy to answer!!

    • Blond Logic profile image

      Mary Wickison 4 years ago from Brazil

      Firstly thank you Jeannie for sharing this.

      Again Billy, you have touched my funny bone. Unfortunately I missed the one that was banned, I wasn't quick enough.

      Keep it up and I look forward to reading the next instalment.

    • billybuc profile image
      Author

      Bill Holland 4 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Blond, I'm glad you caught this one in time. The other one wasn't that bad, or at least I didn't think. It just had a reference in it that HP found unacceptable. Oh well! Those things happen! Thank you and I'm glad you had fun with this one.

    • billybuc profile image
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      Bill Holland 4 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Paula, I think the grammar was okay with this one; if not, I know you'll let me know. :) Glad you enjoyed it and yes, that would truly be hell. LOL Have a great day my friend!

    • Michele Travis profile image

      Michele Travis 4 years ago from U.S.A. Ohio

      I have some answers to your questions:) Well they are why they don't happen to me, not you.

      why don't I sweat? I am lazy

      why don't get my period? I am too old ( you know what I mean)

      why don't I have a girlfriend? well not on that side of the fence

      why don't I dream? well sometimes I do.

      why don't I feel good? depends on the day.

      why don't get hangovers? I can't drink. Well I can drink Pepsi.

      You think you have problems? Yep.....we all got 'em

      Voted up, and I hope it stays up!

    • lrc7815 profile image

      Linda Crist 4 years ago from Central Virginia

      Once again you have given me a reason to stay off the streets. It's only getting worse out there. Now I know why I'm content to write or escape to the woods. Trees are much more civilized. You don't have to look far to find the crazies, do you? Another great visit to "that world". :-) Enjoy your weekend pal.

    • billybuc profile image
      Author

      Bill Holland 4 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Linda, LOL....yes, by all means, stay off the streets. We are going to venture out shortly to run some errands, and I'm already sweating. :) Thank you my friend; have a great day and I'll catch up with you tomorrow.

    • billybuc profile image
      Author

      Bill Holland 4 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Michele, thank you. LOL You will never be "too old"....except possibly in that category. Have a lovely Sunday my friend!

    • bdegiulio profile image

      Bill De Giulio 4 years ago from Massachusetts

      Another reason to be smiling this Sunday afternoon. Hard to believe that some people actually have to ask these questions. But, if they didn't then we wouldn't have anything to be snickering about would we. Great job Bill.

    • Sharkye11 profile image

      Jayme Kinsey 4 years ago from Oklahoma

      Awesome hub, Billy! Gosh it is incredible what people will ask online. Maybe they are just typing in random questions to see what happens, or maybe they think the internet is being run by some all-powerful Wizard of Oz recluse that can help them find their brains. If that is the case, not sweating is the least of their problems!

      I enjoyed this very much!

    • billybuc profile image
      Author

      Bill Holland 4 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Sharkye, LOL...great comment! Maybe all of these searches are writers like me looking for something to write about, and the joke is on us! :) No, somehow I doubt that!

      Thank you my friend!

    • billybuc profile image
      Author

      Bill Holland 4 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Bill, I'm very glad these people are doing their searches; I always have a hub I can write at any time. :) Thank you my friend!

    • xstatic profile image

      Jim Higgins 4 years ago from Eugene, Oregon

      Another informative winner Bill. I read these to get all my burning questions answered and you nevr fail to inform and enlighten.

      Congrats on having that hub banned. I'mKar'n and the rest of us are pround of you!

    • Pamela99 profile image

      Pamela Oglesby 4 years ago from United States

      I have been out of town and am obviously behind on reading hubs, however, this was most entertaining. I have no clue why anyone would ask those type of questions unless their IQ is below 70.

      As for getting banned only once with the number of hubs you've written, I'd say that's not bad. Maybe since you are so well known people generally think you know the answers to all if their personal questions.

    • tillsontitan profile image

      Mary Craig 4 years ago from New York

      Banned? Never! Glad I got to read before it disappeared. Hmm, maybe that's what happens to old hubbers, they just disappear....never mind....back on track....You probably sweat from wearing white after Labor Day ;)...of course you know we're all wondering how you would've answered the question you pulled...well, not really but we're laughing at what would've happened :o

      Voted up and funny as always!

    • Glimmer Twin Fan profile image

      Glimmer Twin Fan 4 years ago

      This was a funny read on a gray afternoon. This series of hubs always reminds me of a search I did for my daughter. If I am repeating, then I'm sorry for boring you. When she was younger she needed rubber rain boots. Lets just say when one searches for rubber rain boots all kinds of weird things come up.

    • mpropp profile image

      Melissa Propp 4 years ago from Minnesota

      Another very funny hub which I enjoyed prior to the ban. Seriously? I didn't realize you could get banned for such good humor...Ah well, this was great and thanks for the laughs! I'll look forward to the next one.

    • debbiepinkston profile image

      Debbie Pinkston 4 years ago from Pereira, Colombia and NW Arkansas

      Oh Bill!!! I'm rolling with laughter and wiping my eyes. I love your sense of humor! I'll have to google that "why don't I..." and see what I come up with. You are too funny.

      By the way, I had one Hub pulled until I "cleaned it up". I was shocked. We can allow 13 year olds to walk in a theater and see all the blood and trash they want, but I said something about exchange of bodily fluids in a Hub about sex, and BAM! Pulled from HubWorld! I think the folks editing our wonderful writing must have been raised in that Catholic school you mentioned.

    • always exploring profile image

      Ruby Jean Fuller 4 years ago from Southern Illinois

      Is there any chance that you are on drugs? HEE..Skokie Illinois? Good one. I will say, " You are funny. " Made me LOL..Cheers..

    • fpherj48 profile image

      Paula 4 years ago from Beautiful Upstate New York

      bill....Stop!! One word...I told you about one little word...that I knew you would want to fix...because you're a damned writing perfectionist!....anyway...didn't make any red marks here!! I suppose, when you think about it... I have a hell of a nerve ...I mean YOU'RE the teacher!! LOL

    • rcrumple profile image

      Rich 4 years ago from Kentucky

      Bill, I have to say that I'm in the same boat. I have never had a boyfriend or a period. There are many reasons not to like people, but I try to be optimistic and give all of them a chance, until they ask me why I don't like them. Then, I'm honest about not wanting to be around people that don't feel well or are suffering from getting drunk the night before. I usually talk very loudly for those with hangovers, for I know they appreciate being able to hear my words pound through their skulls. I don't dream because I have no girlfriend to dream about, only a 32 year marriage to a wife that is forbidden to ever enter into my subconscious (I see enough of her in real life). I am lost in a lost world and need to find my way home. Mapquest is too complicated. Which way do I go! lol Great job, my friend! Hilarious read!

    • billybuc profile image
      Author

      Bill Holland 4 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Xstatic, thank you! I feel pretty good about getting that hub banned. It means I have arrived at HubPages. :)

    • billybuc profile image
      Author

      Bill Holland 4 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Pamela, I think you are giving them a lot of credit when you say an IQ below 70! I'm thinking a lower cutoff point. :) thank you my friend, and my hubs will be waiting for you when your life settles down a bit.

    • billybuc profile image
      Author

      Bill Holland 4 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Mary, it was one of my finest moments and they banned it. I can tell you that Bev almost choked when I read it to her. :) Thank you as always, and you can wear white any old time you feel like it, according to the Bill Bible of Fashion!

    • billybuc profile image
      Author

      Bill Holland 4 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Glimmer.....LMAO! You will never bore me, not with lines like that! Great fun and of course, now I'm going to do that search.

      Thank you and I'm off to Google!

    • billybuc profile image
      Author

      Bill Holland 4 years ago from Olympia, WA

      mpropp, now I know what George Carlin must have felt like during his long career! If only I could be as funny as he was. Thank you my friend!

    • billybuc profile image
      Author

      Bill Holland 4 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Debbie, yes, I'm pretty sure that bodily fluids will get you pulled each and every time. LOL Oh well, it's funny until it is banned and yes, I'm convinced that the HP staff went to the same Catholic school I went to. :) Thank you Debbie!

    • billybuc profile image
      Author

      Bill Holland 4 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Ruby, I can assure you, I am clean, but it may be a residual reaction to times gone by. :) I always enjoy your comments to these hubs; thank you!

    • billybuc profile image
      Author

      Bill Holland 4 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Paula, I need you around to keep me honest and error-free. Bev can't watch me 24/7, and she needs your help! :)

    • billybuc profile image
      Author

      Bill Holland 4 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Rich, I swear to God, when I post these I always wonder what hilarious comment you are going to have....and you never disappoint me. Great laughs my friend; now go apologize to your wife so you can eat dinner. LOL

      Thanks buddy!

    • aviannovice profile image

      Deb Hirt 4 years ago from Stillwater, OK

      Excellent material. Eliminate the butt and the poop and what have you got? No boyfriend or girlfriend with dreamy, sweaty period hangovers and people. Sounds good to me.

    • billybuc profile image
      Author

      Bill Holland 4 years ago from Olympia, WA

      LOL....great one, Deb!

      I just paid you a visit at Boomer Lake; thanks for the visit to my crazy house.

    • ChristyWrites profile image

      Christy Birmingham 4 years ago from British Columbia, Canada

      Oooh you had a hub banned, you rebel you! I had to race over and read this one :) I have a Why don't I question to ask you: Why don't I ever get sick of this hub series? Answer: Because it makes me laugh! Vote up and share too.

    • midget38 profile image

      Michelle Liew 4 years ago from Singapore

      True that these folks ought to leave the negativity out of the equation. That's why these searches drive others batty! Thanks for a little laugh and truth too, which I share!

    • Faith Reaper profile image

      Faith Reaper 4 years ago from southern USA

      LOL Bill!!! Bless their hearts! Oh my goodness, is all I can say. I cannot believe you had a hub banned or deleted, whichever! That is amazing to me. LOL Well, as you said, you've almost experienced it all here on HP then. However, there is never any way that you could get banned from HP altogether, thank goodness for that fact. I can't image what was the one you deleted from this hub, but I am glad you trusted your instincts and best to do such. LOL

      Peace and blessings your way dear one. In His Love, Faith Reaper

    • RichieMogwai profile image

      Richie Mogwai 4 years ago from Vancouver

      I love the question about not sweating. I have the opposite problem and the only way I got rid of it, was to move to move from the Philippines to Canada. The cold temperature in Canada managed to heal my condition naturally, and I'm not even kidding.

    • billybuc profile image
      Author

      Bill Holland 4 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Christy, you are a doll; thank you and I'm glad you got a laugh on this Sunday evening. Have a great week in BC.

    • billybuc profile image
      Author

      Bill Holland 4 years ago from Olympia, WA

      MIchelle, thank you as always; it's always nice to see you visit.

    • billybuc profile image
      Author

      Bill Holland 4 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Faith, in truth, it didn't surprise me that they banned that last one; it was on the edge and I knew it. Oh well, live and learn, and I still had fun writing it. Sometimes I amuse myself so much that nothing else counts. LOL I am definitely easily amused.

      Thank you kind lady; blessings and Hub Love to you always.

      bill

    • billybuc profile image
      Author

      Bill Holland 4 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Richie, I don't think you are kidding at all; moving to Canada would definitely work wonders. :) Thank you!

    • Mhatter99 profile image

      Martin Kloess 4 years ago from San Francisco

      Fun(ny) as usual. Thank you.

    • FredBhai profile image

      FredBhai 4 years ago from Denmark

      Hilarious searches, would like to read some more of them.

    • Cyndi10 profile image

      Cynthia B Turner 4 years ago from Georgia

      You, my friend, have turned these into masterpieces of hilarity! All I can ever do is look wide-eyed and shake my head at some of the answers people are looking for. Funny work! Thoroughly enjoyed this. Voted up and funny.

    • billybuc profile image
      Author

      Bill Holland 4 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Thank you Martin. I always appreciate you stopping by.

    • billybuc profile image
      Author

      Bill Holland 4 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Fred, thank you; there are quite a few more of these; I've been doing them for about eight months now.

    • billybuc profile image
      Author

      Bill Holland 4 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Cyndi, thank you for the return visit. A guy has to have some fun every once in awhile. :) Glad you enjoyed it.

    • Mr Archer profile image

      Mr Archer 4 years ago from Missouri

      You have a wicked sense of humor, and know just how to play it! I would never have thought of writing something like this, which is why you have 100,000 views and I have 1400 views. Maybe I'm just too limited in my thinking....

      Anyway, you have proven why you are the Master yet again. Thanks for the laugh this morning! I needed it.

    • billybuc profile image
      Author

      Bill Holland 4 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Mike, that might be a perfect description of my humor....wicked! LOL Just having a little fun and hoping I don't offend anyone in these PC days that we live in. Thank you my friend; I hope you are well and happy in Joplin.

    • rfmoran profile image

      Russ Moran 4 years ago from Long Island, New York

      A total hoot! I didn't know that HP management banned your last effort on this subject. If you have a personal website or blog I would love to read the banned copy. Voted up, funny and awesome.

    • billybuc profile image
      Author

      Bill Holland 4 years ago from Olympia, WA

      rfmoran, yep, I finally got banned for one.....in truth, it might have been a bit racy in a couple jokes....if you are on Facebook you can find me at https://www.facebook.com/bill.holland.58....I'll try to post it later this day. :)

      Thank you my friend; glad you enjoy my twisted sense of humor.

    • Donna Kay Bryan profile image

      Donna Kay Bryan 4 years ago

      Oh my goodness Bill, I needed that! I was laughing so hard that I broke out in a sweat, so in essence you just answered my question: "When will I start having hot flashes?"

      Voted up and funny.

    • billybuc profile image
      Author

      Bill Holland 4 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Donna, that was hilarious! Great line about the hot flashes. Thank you my friend; I hope you are well and happy.

    • rajan jolly profile image

      Rajan Singh Jolly 4 years ago from From Mumbai, presently in Jalandhar,INDIA.

      Just what I needed for an early morning read Bill! Nice to get warmed up, in this cold, by this hilarious stuff.

      Votees up, funny and sharing.

    • shiningirisheyes profile image

      Shining Irish Eyes 4 years ago from Upstate, New York

      This is a 100% PMP moment!!! Two pairs! I laughed from beginning to end and took a break in between to dab the tears of laughter rolling down my face!

      Why don't I get my period? "We arranged for your doctor to give you an injection because when you do have your period, you leave a wake of badly injured people behind you as you stuff your face with every salt and sugary chocolate item available while equally crying your eyes out and laughing hysterically and the towns local police, fire department and ambulance is going broke with the manpower and overtime, not to mention the small children and animals who swiftly run away when they see you coming." (Meant to be a run on sentence).

      I was the youngest in my 4H group and when it came time to learn about periods, my den mother had me help her bake cookies while the older girls received education. I went home and asked Mom what a period was. Her answer, "It's a dot at the end of a sentence...." All true!

      Thanks for ending my evening on such a hilarious note Billy. And I am so proud of you for having a hub banned! That means it was right up my alley!

      Love your twisted humor. Voting up and sharing.

    • billybuc profile image
      Author

      Bill Holland 4 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Rajan, I'm glad I could be of assistance to you. :) I hope you are having a wonderful day my friend; our day is coming to an end and it is chilly here as well. Thank you Rajan!

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      Bill Holland 4 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Beckie, when I was writing this I was thinking of you and your pants. LMAO! Loved the run on sentence; too darn funny you are! It means a lot to me that you are proud of me for being banned; it has been a lifelong dream of mine and I have finally arrived as a writer. :)

      Thank you dear lady; there is more twisted humor where this came from.

      blessings, hugs and love,

      bill

    • Eiddwen profile image

      Eiddwen 4 years ago from Wales

      Oh Billy what a GEM!!!!

      Brilliant and I can't say which question I liked best .

      They say if you want to be a great writer you must write as if you are actually talking to your readers face to face !!!!

      Do I need to say any more??!!!

      After I had finished reading a little moment from last week came back to me !!!

      My little granddaughter 5 year old Krystal was over her with me.

      She suddenly pointed to a little wart on her finger so we had a little look at it and then she looked up at pointed at a 'spot' I have lust above my top lip.

      "You've got a wart on your face Mamgu!" (Grandma) she said.

      I turned to her then saying that the little blemishes we had were in fact beauty spots!!!

      She then turns to me with a look of exasperation saying in her most effective matter of fact 5 year old voice ;"Oh Mamgu don't be so silly they are warts!!!!"

      So there was mamgu put I her place and I shan't bother asking the question "Do I have a beauty spot or a wart !!!"Anyway thanks again my dear friend and have awonderful day.

      Eddy.

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      Bill Holland 4 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Eddy, that was hilarious; from the mouths of babes, eh? My goodness children can put us in our place at times, can't they?

      Thank you my dear, developing a writer's voice is crucial for any writer, or so I believe. I am so happy that you believe I have found that elusive tool. I feel the same way about poetry....some have that elusive gift, as you do, and some never will.

      I wish you a peaceful day; we are going to struggle through the election returns here; nothing else on the radio or television.

      love and peace,

      billy

    • Vinaya Ghimire profile image

      Vinaya Ghimire 4 years ago from Nepal

      Billy,

      You do lots of research for hub like this. The search queries are interesting, they show what people want to read on internet.

      Thanks

    • billybuc profile image
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      Bill Holland 4 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Thank you Vinaya, and you are right, it is interesting. :)

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      Rosemary Sadler 4 years ago from Hawkes Bay - NewZealand

      Just what I needed, something to give me a good laugh. Love these hilarious research hubs, so funny and I love the way you intertwine your answers.

      Funny you should suggest rum though, love my rum and never had a hangover. Red wine does it for me, just one glass and I have a hangover within 10 minutes. ugh

    • billybuc profile image
      Author

      Bill Holland 4 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Rosemay, oh my goodness! Back when I drank, rum would make me so sick....now even the smell of it makes my stomach do flipflops. :) Thank you for the visit kind lady!

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      Kari 4 years ago from Alberta, Canada

      So funny. I would hate for you to get a hold of some of the things that I have typed into search engines...for research sake of course ;)

      If I didn't sweat, I would by typing in "Thank god I don't sweat!"

      And you literally made me choke on my coffee at the 'why don't I dream' answer. But I have to add, on a serious note, that everyone dreams whether they know it or not. Some of us just can't remember, at least that is what I have been told.

      I hope your hub doesn't get banned, it's hubs like these that make me feel more sane.

    • billybuc profile image
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      Bill Holland 4 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Relationship, I understand your last statement very well; I always feel better about myself after I write one of these. LOL Thank you my friend and yes, I have heard the same, that all people dream.

    • debbiepinkston profile image

      Debbie Pinkston 4 years ago from Pereira, Colombia and NW Arkansas

      I agree with the above! Your humor makes us laugh and gives us a big serotonin boost. Keep 'em coming!

    • vox vocis profile image

      Jasmine 4 years ago

      I think I have a pretty good idea of what the question you erased was and why it would surely get you banned lol Can't help wondering what your answer would be! Smart answers to such "stupid" questions (although I've heard there's no such thing as stupid questions).

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      Bill Holland 4 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Debbie, I'll do my best. Thank you!

    • billybuc profile image
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      Bill Holland 4 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Vox, I have tried, of late, not to refer to these as stupid questions; it's been hard but I'm trying. :)

      Thank you my friend; the erased question will forever remain erased. Too bad because it was pretty funny.

    • unknown spy profile image

      IAmForbidden 4 years ago from Neverland - where children never grow up.

      this hub always make me smile :))

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      Bill Holland 4 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Spy, it makes me smile to read that; thank you!

    • Nora411 profile image

      Nora411 4 years ago from Chicago, IL

      Billybuc you can always make me LoL. I wonder the same things sometimes when these questions pop up in my search engine. And p.s. I dont think anything YOU post could ever get you banned, you are a treasure that Hubpages would never let go :) Keep 'em coming! Voting up and funny!

    • billybuc profile image
      Author

      Bill Holland 4 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Nora, thank you! I may have stepped across an invisible line with that hub that got banned; it doesn't bother me; it's almost a badge of honor.

      It's always nice to see you; I hope you are having a great weekend.

    • bravewarrior profile image

      Shauna L Bowling 4 years ago from Central Florida

      Bill, the only 'why don't I' I got out of this is 'why don't I have hangovers?' Perhaps because you don't come out of your drunken state long enough to have one? Hello??? The others are, well because you're constantly drunk, you don't realize you're pregnant, you don't have a girlfriend or boyfriend because you're constantly drunk, you don't like people because they don't like drunks, you don't dream because you don't sleep - you pass out, and you don't feel good 'cuz you're constantly drunk!

    • billybuc profile image
      Author

      Bill Holland 4 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Sha....LMAO.....you should have written this. That's funnier than what I wrote. :) Thank you for being such a loyal and loving friend. This old fart from Washington greatly appreciates your friendship.

      love,

      bill

    • toys-everywhere profile image

      Rachael C. 4 years ago from That little rambunctious spot in the back of your mind :)

      I think I started to cry at around the, "Why Don't I Dream" question... that's when it got too funny for me to handle, but you are a corruptive influence, Bill! I can no longer just skip on through and google things--I have to wait and see what the suggestions are, LOL!! Thanks for the laugh, I always know where to go when I need some dependably comedic relief! :) Voted up, again.

    • billybuc profile image
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      Bill Holland 4 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Toys, that is music to a writer's ears. I'm glad you enjoyed this silliness. I appreciate your kind words.

    • Rfordin profile image

      Rfordin 4 years ago from Florida

      I am very curious about the "deleted" "why don't I" sub-topic.

      But I am also very concerend that Santa Claus is DEAD!

      ~Becky

    • billybuc profile image
      Author

      Bill Holland 4 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Becky, I can tell you it was a funny one. I actually laughed out loud at my own nonsense when I wrote that deleted hub. It was deleted because there was a reference to pointy breasts. LOL Oh well!

      Thank you for the two visits today; I appreciate it.

    • debbiepinkston profile image

      Debbie Pinkston 4 years ago from Pereira, Colombia and NW Arkansas

      Bill, you never know what's going to catch our loving Hubpage editor's attention...I am glad they keep a watchful eye out for inappropriate content (I wish the TV and movie industry was as diligent) but I have read several Hubs that are much more explicit than "pointy breasts". Laugh and learn!

    • billybuc profile image
      Author

      Bill Holland 4 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Debbie, I actually didn't even write pointy breasts...I wrote that a guy could get his eyes poked out by those things. LOL Oh well, live and learn.

    • toys-everywhere profile image

      Rachael C. 4 years ago from That little rambunctious spot in the back of your mind :)

      So, that's the one that got deleted! All this time, I kept trying to figure out which one gave you your badge of honor, and whether or not I'd gotten to read it.

      I'm glad I did get to read it, I think that may have been one of the best, lol!!!

      The whole 'pointy breasts' issue was quite memorable, lemme tell you...

      Stinks that it got removed -_- but I'm sure you'll come up with some more that are just as funny, Bill. :)

      --Rachael

    • billybuc profile image
      Author

      Bill Holland 4 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Rachael, how are you? Thank you and I'm glad you enjoyed my silliness. I was a bit surprised, truthfully, that my hub was pulled. I guess I could re-write it, but my sense of indignation won't allow it. :)

    • sweetie1 profile image

      sweetie1 4 years ago from India

      Haha this is very funny hub.. liked it and voted it up.

    • billybuc profile image
      Author

      Bill Holland 4 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Thank you Sweetie; I appreciate the visit.

    • toys-everywhere profile image

      Rachael C. 4 years ago from That little rambunctious spot in the back of your mind :)

      My gosh, I took forever to see the response comment of yours...it's been nine days?!?!

      I'm good, however. :D I have been exceptionally busy though, what with family, school, and all of my freelancing work. It has been a stressing, but good, kind of busy... How are you, Bill?

      ~~Rachael

    • billybuc profile image
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      Bill Holland 4 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Rachael, I am well; busy, but well and happy. Thanks for asking.

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