Why Don't I Like People and Other Nonsense

Okay, maybe not a warning, but more an editorial comment. The last article for this series that I did had a shelf-life of two days before the writing site of HubPages pulled it for adult content. In truth, that was two days more than I expected, so I’m feeling pretty good about that. I had never had an article banned before, either, so I’m feeling pretty good about that, too.

Having said that, you might want to read this one quickly in case the Hub gods pull it after their morning snack.

Naw, they won’t pull this one! This one is rated PG….well, maybe PG 13, but nothing worse than that….well, maybe……

So get comfortable and let’s see what silliness I can come up with. The premise is this: I type in a partial question on the search engines, and then I see what real questions are being searched for. Then I add a touch of humor to the mix and we come up with something like this.

Oh, almost forgot….the partial question for today is….why don’t I….?

We have two choices for an answer; do you want the good news or the bad news first?

The good news is you don’t sweat because you are a lazy, good-for-nothing bum who still lives at home and has mommy do your laundry for you. Yes, that was the good news! The bad news is you don’t sweat because you are dead!

Honest to God, people, I don’t care why you don’t sweat! Just be grateful you don’t have those stains under your arms like the rest of us working stiffs have, or those stains near the butt-crack like plumbers and old men named Clyde! Those are disgusting; about the only thing more disgusting is a butt-crack stain on a girl named Clyde….just sayin’.

I think this is like the fifteenth of these articles I have done, and I swear there are a lot of questions about periods. It makes me wonder why girls don’t know this stuff; are mom’s not having “the talk” with daughters anymore? Are schools not teaching health or Sex Ed anymore?

Okay, I’ll play devil’s advocate on this one. Do you want the good news or the bad news first?

The good news is that maybe you are just irregular and you skipped a month. The bad news is you better be buying baby clothes in the very near future, and you might also want to have a talk with Tom, Dick, or Harry about his role in this little unfolding drama. I’ll bet after you have that talk with him that he will be sweating! However, if he is a little momma’s boy then just drop him and go it alone. You will be much better off!

Can you imagine anyone typing this into a search engine? What do they expect for an answer? Do they think there is some guy sitting in Rochester, New York, who answers all of these questions?

“Hey, it’s Dick in Rochester! You don’t have a boyfriend because your parents never got you braces and you look like the Wicked Witch of the North.”

Now that would be a downer! Maybe you don’t have a boyfriend because you keep announcing that you missed your period! I can promise you that kind of announcement will clear out a room in a heartbeat! You will see a whole bunch of guys sweating after that announcement.

Again, Dick in Rochester….”you don’t like people because you blame everyone for your crooked teeth.”

Oh that Dick has a wicked sense of humor, doesn’t he? Okay, but to the schmucks who can’t figure out why they don’t like people….maybe they got dropped on their head as a baby, and now they think everyone they see is going to drop them. Maybe they have been dating too many guys named Dick!

Maybe, and I’m just tossing this out there, they are anti-social momma’s boys who are still ticked off that Santa Claus doesn’t exist, and now they hate anyone with facial hair, including their Aunt Martha, who in many ways looks like Santa Claus.

Hopefully these aren’t the same people who want to know why they don’t have a boyfriend. Boy, would that ever be strange. Not only are they cross-dressers but they have self-esteem issues to boot. Talk about a heavy load to bear!

I’m guessing they don’t have girlfriends because they haven’t discovered deodorant and toothpaste, and they still have a mullet and watch “Saturday Night Fever” at home alone.

Two-hundred thousand insomniacs are doing this search. Eyes propped open, barely functioning, dead on their feet, and they can’t figure out why they aren’t dreaming. However, the good news is that at least they are hallucinating, which is like dreaming only with your eyes open. Welcome to the 60’s, buttheads, and Strawberry Fields forever!

There are things worse than not dreaming. You could be spending all your time wondering why you don’t have a girlfriend OR a boyfriend. Now that would be tragic!

You don’t feel good because you haven’t had a period in two months and you can’t get in touch with Tom, Dick, or Harry, and now you are the one who is sweating. At least you had a boyfriend, so stop your whining.

You don’t feel good because you don’t like people, Santa Claus is dead, and the guy you thought you loved is a cross-dressing truck driver from Skokie, Illinois!

I don’t know and I don’t care. I have had enough of them for both of us, and I’ll be glad to teach you how to get one if you are really aching for misery. Follow these simple steps: Drink a bottle of rum. That’s it; that’s about all you need to know! Just make sure after you drink that bottle of rum that you don’t go on the internet and announce that you are looking for a girlfriend AND a boyfriend. You will have so many problems that the hangover will seem like a walk in the park.

Well, I have more time, but I don’t choose to waste it by helping these people any longer. I have my own problems and I don’t see anyone lining up offering to help me. I’m an alcoholic and an adoptee; I’m old and my bones are aching. I was brainwashed in Catholic school and I couldn’t buy a date until I was twenty-two, and I could write a book on hangovers. I have three dogs that poop on the deck and one cat that insists on rubbing her butt in my face. YOU THINK YOU HAVE PROBLEMS?????

p.s. You should have seen the question I erased from this hub! That one would have surely gotten me banned. :)

2012 William D. Holland (aka billybuc)