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Top Google Search With Humor: Why Can't You Eat Before Surgery and Other Nonsense
THE FORMAT
If you are new to this series then what in the world is the matter with you? Where have you been, living under a rock? I’ve been doing these articles for at least seven months, and you mean to tell me you haven’t read one of them in that time? Shame on you!
Well, now is your chance to set things right! Read this one, then go back and read the other twelve, and then you’ll be able to tell your friends and loved ones that you are an official member of the Billybuc Crazy Club!
If you are new to this, let me explain the rules. I do a partial search on Google, a partial question, and then we find out what the Google searchers out there have been looking for. Along the way I add my own brand of humor; some would call it sarcastic. I prefer to call it enlightened. J
Let’s not waste any more valuable time on our lighthearted banter. Today’s partial search question is…..why can’t you? Now let’s see what your fellow inebriated and demented searchers have been looking for.
WHY CAN’T YOU WEAR WHITE AFTER LABOR DAY?
Well, you most certainly can wear white after Labor Day, but be forewarned that everyone will ridicule you and see you for the bleeb that you are!
Who makes up these rules? I have five change-of-clothes, and the rule of thumb is I wear what is clean…period! If someone dies I’m out of luck because I don’t have a suit. I’ll just wave at the deceased as I drive by the cemetery, because I’ll be wearing a white t-shirt at the time, no matter what time of the year that they died.
What is more of a surprise to me is that people obey this rule, like it came down from God as the Eleventh Commandment….THOU SHALT NOT WEAR WHITE AFTER LABOR DAY! Come to think of it, all the pictures I’ve seen of Jesus, he was wearing white in every picture. I wonder if he knew about this rule. What a rebel!
Looking For Love In All The Wrong Places
WHY CAN’T YOU LOVE ME?
You know where I’m going with this one, don’t you? I can’t love you because you insist on wearing white after Labor Day! It’s downright embarrassing to be seen in public with you, so go buy some black like any self-respecting Goth!
Why can’t I love you? How about because you are boring, you snore, your breath smells like rotten fish, and you insist on wearing white to a funeral! Change a few of those character defects and we will chat about love.
More Silliness
- Funny Google Searches: How To Make Chloroform And Other Nonsense
The internet search engines are filled with bizarre searches, many of which I have felt compelled to point out to you.
WHY CAN’T YOU EAT BEFORE SURGERY?
Simply because surgeons don’t like being puked on, and they especially don’t like being puked on by a patient who wears white after Labor Day and who is unlovable!
I don’t know why you can’t eat before surgery and I don’t care! If my doctor tells me not to eat before surgery, that seems like a pretty good reason not to do so; especially since he’s the one filleting me like a beached flounder. Never annoy a guy with a scalpel in his hands; that’s a rule you can take to the bank!
Who cares why you can’t? Just don’t do it and instead spend your Google time more productively, like searching for the names of the idiots who tell you that you can’t wear white during certain times of the year.
I’m convinced this world would be a better place if I were in charge!
WHY CAN’T YOU DIVIDE BY ZERO?
“One is the loneliest number that you’ll ever do…..”…do I really have to explain this? Zero is nothing…duh! You can’t do something with nothing. You can’t go out on a date with nobody! You can’t play cribbage with nobody! You can’t have sex with ……well, never mind! The point is that nothing is nothing, and as such it is nothing…..so nothing happens when you do nothing. Get it?
And if you keep asking these stupid questions nobody will ever love you. How about this question….why can’t you divide a nothing IQ with nothing?
WHY CAN’T YOU TAKE ALLEGRA WITH ORANGE JUICE?
When I first read this I thought it said you couldn’t take Viagra with orange juice and I started to panic. LOL….that’s an old person’s joke and I’m proud of it.
An allergy medicine that does not interact well with citrus juice? Well, how about if you mixed some vodka in with it, and put one of those little umbrellas in there too? Have a couple of those on an empty stomach and you won’t care what the interaction is; heck, you’ll forget all about your allergies.
I do know for a fact that you shouldn’t take Allegra with orange juice before surgery, unless you are the surgeon, and then it won’t make much difference I guess, as long as you are operating on an enemy.
WHY CAN’T YOU GIVE HONEY TO BABIES?
Really? You can’t? How did I survive? My mom was a beekeeper back when I was a little guy, and she used to give me honey like it was the elixir of the gods. Of course, this is the same woman who told me that if I played with myself that I would go blind, so go figure. Come to think of it, I’ve had glasses since I was five, so maybe she knew what she was talking about. Damn!
A Little Rock n Roll About Meat
WHY CAN’T YOU REFREEZE MEAT?
I’m not going to tell you how many times I’ve done this because I don’t want you trying it and then blaming me when you die. Well, you’ll be dead, so you won’t blame me, but your relatives might blame me when I show up at your funeral in my white t-shirt in December.
Seriously, I don’t know. I have somehow managed to pull this stunt off numerous times and I’m still alive, but don’t take my word for it. I’m sure one of my readers will know the answer to this, so why should I bother doing the research. Just don’t eat re-frozen meat while drinking Allegra with orange juice. Now that is one potent combination for sure!
crater lake, or - In case you want to try it yourself
WHY CAN’T YOU SWIM IN CRATER LAKE?
I happen to know where Crater Lake is, but I’m curious how many other people do? Are there really that many people in Oregon on their computers right now asking that question? If you ever visit Crater Lake, stick your toes in the lake and you will never ask that question again. IT’S COLDER THAN A WELL-DIGGERS BUTT!
Crater Lake is so cold that if you were a guy and dove into the water, your manhood would become an innie and not an outie! That’s cold!
UNTIL NEXT TIME
There were a few more questions having to do with online games like Skyrim, but I’ll leave those searches to the serious gamers who have had their joysticks surgically attached to their hands. The rest of us really don’t care now do we?
I hope I’ve answered some of your more pressing inquiries. If you are still confused, just remember to never wear white while swimming in Crater Lake, and for God’s sake don’t let your honey-snorting infant anywhere near Allegra before surgery to extricate that innie!
2012 William D. Holland (aka billybuc)
Comments
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PS, suddenly these are making a comeback. So much so that I'll have a new one next week due to popular demand.
Thank you dear friend. Hugs, blessings and love heading your way.
bill
I KNEW I had to read this...you are a mess...this is too funny...and it always amazes me that such questions come up???!!!! Duh!!!
take care of you my friend
I hope all is good with you and yours
Many
Angles are winging their way to you this evening ps
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Thanks Jeannie!
:-) I would be very happy to see the series return!
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Jeannie, thank you! I had a blast writing these. I just headed off in another direction and never returned. I'll consider your hint and maybe surprise you in the near future.
Bill, I've missed reading these hubs (hint, hint), so I google searched "billybuc google search" to find them again. (It felt strange to google search for google searches.) It is nice to revisit these fun hubs. :-)
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Good morning Audra and thank you! Now I learned something about citrus....thanks! :)
What a great and funny thing to read this morning! I learned another new word from you...bleeb...lol!
This is a good series...keep writing them!
ps...Meds do not work with citrus, especially grapefruit. It has to do with absorption.
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DDE, I grew up in a laughing home, so humor comes naturally to me. Thank you for the visit.
You are good at such humor and so true you got me laughing thanks for this hub voted up!!
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Paradise, you are spoiling me! I'm glad you enjoy my warped sense of humor!
Hillarious! LMAO!
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Cheetah, it's nice to see you again. There is a great article on cheetahs in the National Geographic this month....just thought I'd mention it. Thank you and I'm glad you found it amusing.
really funny... searches of refreeze meat and honey are funny, but not for people who are too much conscious..
cool and funny hub..!
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Shaddie, glad you found that line funny! I always hesitate to use religious humor; there are those who find nothing funny about religion. :) Thank you!
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Xstatic, thank you and I'm glad you enjoyed it. As for new hubs, that's been happening a lot lately with new hubs. Check your profile and make sure it didn't go to sleeper mode. That's what happened to one of mine. :)
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Thank you Becky! I will from now on, provided I can remember. :) I love writing this series; gives me a chance to be silly for awhile. :)
Haha... Jesus was a rebel all right. Also, bleeb is a funny word.
What a great idea for a series of funny Hubs! This is great, and I will be reading the ones I missed.
Bill, that Hub I published yesterday appeared almost immediately, got several comments and now shows a 24 hour processing delay on stats.
Strange, it is just a poem about Icy weather.
I love this series, I love to see that I'm not the only "moron" out there searching for pointless, useless info (guilty of the why can't I eat before surgery)...btw you can call me Becky. :)
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Jeannie, those little rules in life are so important....could be a matter of life and death! :) Thank you funny lady!
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Rajan, the pleasure is all mine! So glad you enjoyed it, and thank you Sir!
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tina, I hope you are finally up off that nasty floor! :) Glad you enjoyed and have a great day!
These are all valuable life lessons, Bill. Thank goodness for these hubs! I used to not pay attention to the "wearing white after Labor Day" rule until I saw the movie Serial Mom. Once you see that, you will follow the rule, damn it! Hehe. Awesome hub, as always!
Funny and interesting as always, Bill. Thanks for giving me my dose of laughter for today.
Up and sharing.
Oh my gosh, I can't get up off the floor....
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Blond, you had me laughing on that one....I give up, why is Linda Ronstadt fat???? LOL
Thanks for the drop by; yes, I've been doing these for probably six months now. I'm glad you finally found one of them. :)
I think I must have been under a rock. This is the first in the series that I have read.
I once Googled, "Why is Linda Ronstadt fat". Guess what, I wasn't the first one to ask it. Gosh, maybe I shouldn't have admitted to doing that. This obviously indicates that I have far too much time on my hands.
Thanks for the giggle.
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Hey Irish,otherwise known as Suzie, otherwise known as Suzanne....I'm happy I made you laugh. I do have fun with this series....I have the next one ready.....Why do women.......? Stay tuned! LOL
Hi buddy!
Oh Bill what a great series this is to do and for us fellow Google searchers!
Loved this instalment, visions of you with glasses at age 5 . . . Yes I laughed! Lol
Re freezing meat, dividing by zero . . . and not wearing white after labour day is one I'm not familiar with not having labour day here!
The mind boggles . . . Thanks Bill for more laughs billybuc style! :-)
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Vishal....lol...glad I could be of some help.
well thanks alot this was actually i was searching for frm a lot of time...n ur posts really helps me ...
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Glimmer, I have caught myself following silly rules I learned as a child, for no other reason than I was taught them. We are, at time, victims of our past. LOL Thank you and if you don't have a white t shirt I'll loan you one of mine. :)
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Jackie, let's hope that for sure! It's funny what things our mind connects to, and what memories it calls up from the depths. So many things were done when we were young that would never be done now. I'm certainly glad your daughter survived that scary moment.
Thank you Jackie!
Very funny! To this day I won't wear white after labor day except for my tennis shoes. Maybe because I grew up being told so. Come to think of it, maybe I'll go put on a white tshirt and break all the rules!
This was all funny and I laughed all the way through it but for some reason it reminded me of when my young toddler daughter was around my dad he would give her spoons of peanut butter and it always scared me so and I would beg him not to with him laughing and defying me. Well one day she choked really bad and thank God I was not there to witness it (Mom told me) but I never had to be one of those who had to say why any more. lol So let's hope you never find out any of these whys! (J/K)
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Dianna, I pray that people really aren't as dumb as they appear from these searches. If they are, it might be time for me to head back into teaching. :) Thank you as always!
What scares me is the question: why can't you refreeze meat! Caution: death may be a factor as a result! Funny and a good evening read.
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Oh my indeed, Julie! :) Thanks for the drop by; you are always appreciated here at the billybuc site!
OOhhhh my. :)
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Genna, thank you; if I brought a smile to your face then I'm successful. Jazz was a cutie pie until she pooped on the deck last night. Now, not so cute! :)
Delightful hub, dispelling old myths and wives’ tales…just right to bring a big smiles and laughter at the end of a tough day -- thank you, Billy! :-) (Jazz is such a cutey pie! :-) )
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Dolores.....LOL....that's great! I had never heard that before. Thank you and glad you enjoyed my silliness.
What a great idea for a series! But it makes me remember what my father told me - years and years ago, if you wore a straw hat after Labor Day, another man would be well within his rights to take the hat and punch a hole in it!
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Martin, I'll have to give that some thought. :) Thank you Sir!
Thank you for the laughs. I just typed in"woman" in Google search. It recommended I go to "woman within". Is Google suggesting something? :))
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Billd, thank you very much! I really appreciate you taking the time to visit and leave a comment.
Very funny billybuc. I can't wait to read the rest
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Thank you Danielle!
Nice! :)
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Faith, I'm smiling knowing that I had you laughing. As for the Lollipop Award....well, I can't tell you how proud I am of that. :) That was really nice of Chris to do!
Thank you dear lady! 6:45 here in Olympia and the rain is coming down!
HAHAHAHA Oh, me, I needed a really good laugh tonight, and I thought, hey ,I need to go to Bill's hub! There you go. HAHAHAH
Love it and the lollipop hub to. Congrats to you on that special award.
Have a lovely night three hours ahead of me . . . well it is 8:42 p.m. here in southern USA.
In His Love, Faith Reaper
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Ruby, can you believe I got kicked out of class because of my wit? No justice in the world my dear friend....no justice at all. :)
Nope, change ain't bad at all in this instance. Thank you!
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Crystal, evidently honey is a no-no; one of the other comments explained it, but I didn't pay much attention since I survived so many meals of honey when I was younger. Mom didn't believe in cooking too much. :) Thank you my friend; always a pleasure having you stop by.
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PS, thank you as always! A little weird, that sense of humor I have, but as long as there are people like you around, I will keep writing this silliness. Florida? winter? Really? I just thought it was 75 all year round. Another myth shattered!
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Beckie, I'm laughing too hard to type. First I read your other message about me being 64, and now this one, and I fear it is time to change underwear. It is probably just as well that we live so far away from each other; if we got together we would die from laughing so hard.
Thank you my dear; the flowers will be waiting for you in the ER when you wake up.
You crack me up with your wit. I can remember well that wearing white shoes after Labor was a no no..I also can remember wearing a hat and gloves to church on Easter Sunday, now jeans are just fine. We've come a long way baby, and that ' ain't bad..Enjoyed..Cheers.
Loved the laugh Billy, I didn't know that you do not give honey to babies.. I have always given honey and basil juice to my baby whenever he had symptoms of a cold, in fact you also had so much honey when young, I loved the eating before surgery one.. In fact i asked my son, and he rolled with laughter at the answer.. Thanks..
O, my....still laughing. You are too funny. So I will get out my white pants to wear to-morro. Actually to tell the truth it never feels like after labor day time here in Florida till January so I guess I can wear mine with no guilt.
Love your humor....have a lovely evening, my dear Friend. ps
Just a few thoughts here as I sit down with a dry pair of pants and the pain in my stomach starts to subside from all the laughter. Excuse my typing accuracy as my vision is blurring and I am holding onto the desk with my chin. It may have been the Allegra, OJ and vodka elixir I just finished...or maybe it was the three previous... I can't seem to remove the tiny umbrella from my nasal passage but I'm experiencing no pain so I'll just leave it there...The doctor can remove it in the morning.. I'm also rambling and rather enjoying it...I wonder if this will effect the five course meal I consumed...Oh well, at least I won't be hungry when I wake up from anesthesia tomorrow.
well.....I not feeling tu wel sooo i think i'm gonna cull it a dae...just thru up on mi wite pants.
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mpropp, that was hilarious! I was laughing at your search result. Great fun and I'm really very appreciative that you took the time to read them all. Thank you!
Very funny hub, as always! When I did a search "Why can't you..." the top search was "Why can't you get billybuc to write these hysterical google search hubs more often?" Strange, you didn't see that one at the top? Seriously, I count myself as a club member and I've gone back and read them all. Thanks for the laughs!
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Linda, you are a kick in the butt! :)
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Cyndi, I'll take refreshing any old day. Thanks lil' Sis!
Hehe. Orange juice with allegra? Dood. Just eat more honey. Wear white? Ew. White shows stains in the armpits. Haha. Fun hub. Refreshing. :)
Yeah!!!!!
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Thanks Linda, so much! I always run these buy Bev before I post them; if she starts choking from laughter then I know I can post it. Believe me, there were a couple that had to be completely re-written because she just sat there listening and not laughing. LOL I'm glad you had fun with this one; I'll have another one for you next week.
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I just saw it Chris.....you are too funny...I am honored of course....and I will pass it on by week's end. Thank you so much for this coveted award.
Above and beyond....that's what you did today. I have laughed until I hurt. The divide by zero part did me in. So did the eating before surgery and the part about crater lake and, oh damn Bill, this one was riot. Your hubs on google searches are just like old age; they get better with time. Keep on keeping on because you're sitting on a gold mine or a land mine with this series. Either way, one of us is going to have a blast. Loved it!
You, sir, have been awarded the coveted Lollipop Award! Take a lick and pass it around!
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Shoot, Chris, did I get your Facebook message? What was it about? This was a wild weekend and I'm not sure if I got it or if I responded to it. What did you tell me?
hey bill, did you get my FB message? (I just realized I could've just added another comment here instead)
Anyways...I hope you don't mind! =)
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Paula, like I would ever say anything negative about you. :)
Phew!!!
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Chris, I'm glad you changed your routine too. So happy you enjoyed my Viagra reference. LOL Thank you Sir and Aloha!
Well...okay then...looks like somebody found his mojo again! He drank OJ with Viagra...AND STILL HE WRITES! =)
haha! I'm SO glad I decided to ditch my normal routine and check my email first thing in the morning instead of dragging myself into my word processor first. I've barely been up for 2 hours, and already it's an AWESOME day!
Thanks Bill!
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Valley, why thank you Sir! Gotta have fun every once in awhile. :)
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Btrbell, it is my pleasure. I love to make people laugh.
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Paula, yes, tomorrow, and it is a pleasurable experience I promise. :)
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Good for you, Sha! Enjoy it while you can, because when you become famous you will have no spare time at all. :)
This is the first of the series I have read..I will have to have a look at the others; this was hilarious, you have a great wit my friend:-))
Good, good fun! Thank you for a refreshing start to my day! Have a great one!
"in your hub tomorrow??!!" Do I need to start packing and head for the border now...or will I have time later on? Oh pal oh buddy...PULLEASE be kind....Did I ever tell you what a delicate psyche I have? NOT.
WAIT a sec!...How do you know I'm Hermit-like?? Have I mentioned this in hubs? Whoa....cyber space is dangerous.............
I'm between assignments, Bill. Have a couple coming my way later. For now, I'm having fun!
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Paula, nothing has upset me as much as the first one of this series when I found out how many people want to know how to make chloroform. After that, nothing surprised me! You should be frightened and you should be a hermit....well, more so than you already are. :)
Thank you my dear; I'm mentioning you in my hub tomorrow.
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Sha, I do believe it was Billy Preston, RIP! LOL Too much fun! We just have too much fun writing, don't we?
Thank you dear one! Now get busy and make some money! :)
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Deb, thanks for stopping by Olympia on your way to the Safety meeting. Greatly appreciated my friend!
Thank the fashion gods I live in Florida where I can wear white any damn time of the year. As for the zero idiots with zero common sense, was it Billy Preston who sang "Nothin' from nothin' leaves nothin'"?, in which case, it's probably ok if they play with themselves!
La la la dee da dee da.......Huh? Oh! Hi bill! Don't mind me, I'm just kicked back here, humming a happy tune....attempting to concentrate on some vital matters. Actually, it's the only way I can think of, to block out the searches I just read in your super funny hub. Sure, I appreciate the laugh Of course I do.
It's just that knowing those searches exist, really frightens me..I'm contemplating becoming a hermit. It's very spooky to think there are real humans who are searching for answers to these questions. I mean, you haven't rummaged through the files at a psyche Facility, have you?........I might even feel better if you have.............UP+++
These are terrific, Billy! Even though it is my day off, and I still have to go in for a Safety Meeting/evaluation, I will have a smile on my face due to this piece. Thanks for coming to Boomer Lake!
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Miz, thank you so much! I'm laughing out loud about giving the dog a whole wedge of cheese! DUH! I think it's funny the vet even thought he had to say that. Life is fun my friend; we might as well laugh and prolong our lives, right?
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Thank you Justsilvie; greatly appreciated!
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Jordan, it is great entertainment. When I'm bored, which isn't often, I always do a random search. Thanks buddy!
This was just awesome! Now I am gonna go plug random stuff into google.
Great Hub. Was nice to start the day with a laugh... Will share it so others can too.
You've done it again, my friend. How do you do it? Have you ever thought of going into standup! Love it, and that's something coming from someone who wears white after Labor Day and reacts badly to Allegra anyway. The nex pressing question is "why is it not OK to give your dog cheese?" I heard a vet on TV just today say that it is OK as long as you don't give him the whole wedge. Now that would be a real show stopper! Voted you up and funny because they don't have a "hilarious" button.
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LaThing, too funny!
I'm guilty of about half this list....shhh, don't tell anyone! :) No wonder I like you; you do the same goofy stuff I do.
Have a great week my friend and thank you!
Billy, I am guilty! The whole top section, I felt like you were talking to me (more like reprimanding me!) .... I was reading the whole thing with big guilt sign hanging above my head :(
Anyways, :) this is really funny, and fresh.... Now I have to go and read the rest of them. So if I do I a day, I sould be done in 12 days :)
see you soon.....
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Jaye, great line! Let me know what you come up with on that search. :) Thank you my friend; it feels good to get a little silly from time to time.
This was so funny, Bill, that I laughed out loud several times. Google has proven to be a real mine for your humor. Now, why can't I....? Never mind--I'll Google it!
Jaye
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