Top Google Search With Humor: Why Can't You Eat Before Surgery and Other Nonsense

If you are new to this series then what in the world is the matter with you? Where have you been, living under a rock? I’ve been doing these articles for at least seven months, and you mean to tell me you haven’t read one of them in that time? Shame on you!

Well, now is your chance to set things right! Read this one, then go back and read the other twelve, and then you’ll be able to tell your friends and loved ones that you are an official member of the Billybuc Crazy Club!

If you are new to this, let me explain the rules. I do a partial search on Google, a partial question, and then we find out what the Google searchers out there have been looking for. Along the way I add my own brand of humor; some would call it sarcastic. I prefer to call it enlightened. J

Let’s not waste any more valuable time on our lighthearted banter. Today’s partial search question is…..why can’t you? Now let’s see what your fellow inebriated and demented searchers have been looking for.

Well, you most certainly can wear white after Labor Day, but be forewarned that everyone will ridicule you and see you for the bleeb that you are!

Who makes up these rules? I have five change-of-clothes, and the rule of thumb is I wear what is clean…period! If someone dies I’m out of luck because I don’t have a suit. I’ll just wave at the deceased as I drive by the cemetery, because I’ll be wearing a white t-shirt at the time, no matter what time of the year that they died.

What is more of a surprise to me is that people obey this rule, like it came down from God as the Eleventh Commandment….THOU SHALT NOT WEAR WHITE AFTER LABOR DAY! Come to think of it, all the pictures I’ve seen of Jesus, he was wearing white in every picture. I wonder if he knew about this rule. What a rebel!

You know where I’m going with this one, don’t you? I can’t love you because you insist on wearing white after Labor Day! It’s downright embarrassing to be seen in public with you, so go buy some black like any self-respecting Goth!

Why can’t I love you? How about because you are boring, you snore, your breath smells like rotten fish, and you insist on wearing white to a funeral! Change a few of those character defects and we will chat about love.

Simply because surgeons don’t like being puked on, and they especially don’t like being puked on by a patient who wears white after Labor Day and who is unlovable!

I don’t know why you can’t eat before surgery and I don’t care! If my doctor tells me not to eat before surgery, that seems like a pretty good reason not to do so; especially since he’s the one filleting me like a beached flounder. Never annoy a guy with a scalpel in his hands; that’s a rule you can take to the bank!

Who cares why you can’t? Just don’t do it and instead spend your Google time more productively, like searching for the names of the idiots who tell you that you can’t wear white during certain times of the year.

I’m convinced this world would be a better place if I were in charge!

“One is the loneliest number that you’ll ever do…..”…do I really have to explain this? Zero is nothing…duh! You can’t do something with nothing. You can’t go out on a date with nobody! You can’t play cribbage with nobody! You can’t have sex with ……well, never mind! The point is that nothing is nothing, and as such it is nothing…..so nothing happens when you do nothing. Get it?

And if you keep asking these stupid questions nobody will ever love you. How about this question….why can’t you divide a nothing IQ with nothing?

When I first read this I thought it said you couldn’t take Viagra with orange juice and I started to panic. LOL….that’s an old person’s joke and I’m proud of it.

An allergy medicine that does not interact well with citrus juice? Well, how about if you mixed some vodka in with it, and put one of those little umbrellas in there too? Have a couple of those on an empty stomach and you won’t care what the interaction is; heck, you’ll forget all about your allergies.

I do know for a fact that you shouldn’t take Allegra with orange juice before surgery, unless you are the surgeon, and then it won’t make much difference I guess, as long as you are operating on an enemy.

Really? You can’t? How did I survive? My mom was a beekeeper back when I was a little guy, and she used to give me honey like it was the elixir of the gods. Of course, this is the same woman who told me that if I played with myself that I would go blind, so go figure. Come to think of it, I’ve had glasses since I was five, so maybe she knew what she was talking about. Damn!

I’m not going to tell you how many times I’ve done this because I don’t want you trying it and then blaming me when you die. Well, you’ll be dead, so you won’t blame me, but your relatives might blame me when I show up at your funeral in my white t-shirt in December.

Seriously, I don’t know. I have somehow managed to pull this stunt off numerous times and I’m still alive, but don’t take my word for it. I’m sure one of my readers will know the answer to this, so why should I bother doing the research. Just don’t eat re-frozen meat while drinking Allegra with orange juice. Now that is one potent combination for sure!

I happen to know where Crater Lake is, but I’m curious how many other people do? Are there really that many people in Oregon on their computers right now asking that question? If you ever visit Crater Lake, stick your toes in the lake and you will never ask that question again. IT’S COLDER THAN A WELL-DIGGERS BUTT!

Crater Lake is so cold that if you were a guy and dove into the water, your manhood would become an innie and not an outie! That’s cold!

There were a few more questions having to do with online games like Skyrim, but I’ll leave those searches to the serious gamers who have had their joysticks surgically attached to their hands. The rest of us really don’t care now do we?

I hope I’ve answered some of your more pressing inquiries. If you are still confused, just remember to never wear white while swimming in Crater Lake, and for God’s sake don’t let your honey-snorting infant anywhere near Allegra before surgery to extricate that innie!

2012 William D. Holland (aka billybuc)