Summer Vacation Destinations For IRS Agents....Warning....May Cause Laughter
Are you an IRS agent?
Tax folks, this article is for you! I salute you for the fine job you do each and every day. You are the guardians of the United States tax system and heaven knows where this country would be without your unfailing sense of justice!
For you there are no colors in the world. Everything is black and white, scripted by that Great Tax Code in the Sky, and words cannot properly reflect how I feel about you.
To show my appreciation for the hose job….err…job that you do, I have compiled a list of destinations that I think you might like to visit for your next vacation. Please, don’t try to thank me! This is the very least I can do to pay you back for the years you have dedicated to my well-being.
So pack your bags, get that limousine of yours serviced, and head out on the open road to any of these great vacation spots.
The American public has been taking it in the shorts from you for so long that I thought it was about time you experienced the same sensation. In beautiful Intercourse, Alabama, you will be able to get a free CEO Burger at the Bend Over Café. These burgers are made from 100% pork belly and they are guaranteed to end up in the toilet just like our hard-earned tax dollars.
DEAD HORSE, ALASKA
There is nothing quite like beating a dead horse, similar in many ways to refusing deductions for a working stiff who can barely provide for his family. You will love this place! Every Friday night they feature the Debtors Prison Dance just outside the county jail. Cost of the dance and refreshments is 25% of your income but hey, you work for the government, so for you it’s all free. In fact, and you will love this, if you attend before April of 2013, the proceeds from the dance will be handed over to you, no questions asked. Is this a great country or what?
A little known fact: Nothing, Arizona, was incorporated as a town in honor of the IRS, so this is the perfect vacation spot for you. You will love the carnival right outside of town, held every Saturday. Watch the locals play the carnival games. No matter how hard they play and no matter how well they do, they walk away with nothing. In fact, when the carnival closes, you’ll walk away a big winner.
After the carnival spend the night at the Corporation Inn. Of course it’s all free; those guys who run the inn owe you big time for your years of service helping them make bigger profits.
ROBIN HOOD, MAINE
Enjoy the show at the Tax Dodge Theater. They have the longest playing off-Broadway show in the nation, appropriately called “Robin Hood Guilty of Tax Evasion.” It’s’ a great spoof on modern society and you are sure to enjoy it because your sense of humor is the stuff of legends. Have a cocktail at the Al Capone Lounge before the show.
Well guys and gals, you have put us all through hell so there is no reason why you shouldn’t visit there yourselves. We have reserved a special suite for you at the Zero Tolerance Hotel. As you are approaching this great vacation spot, keep driving past Limbo, ten more miles and past Purgatory and go straight to Hell. We’ll leave the light on for you.
You are going to love this town! Visit the Arm and a Leg Museum and view the great displays of former tax evaders who thought they could sneak one by you. Buy some trinkets at the Strong Arm Tactics Emporium, and get those kinks worked out at the Twist Your Arm Chiropractic Center. Don’t worry about paying for any of this. We all know you have more than enough exemptions so let us pay for you.
FORT CROOK, NEBRASKA
This entire town is run by former CEO’s of Fortune 500 fame, so don’t bother to tip for any of the services. Take the whole family to the Top 1% Theme Park. One particularly scary ride takes you past a very life-like volcano where the town leaders sacrifice some poor working stiff to the profit gods. The screams are so real they will give you chills….or maybe not….you do have ice water flowing through your veins so maybe this won’t affect you.
All of the goods and products in this town are shipped from China and take special note that there are no workers here from the United States. Talk about international love! Makes you proud to be an American, doesn’t it?
This is such a cool town! Sure it’s out in the middle of nowhere but it is oh so worth the extra driving to get there. Make sure you take the walking tour around town and take some pictures of the different statues that commemorate the average Americans who were financially crippled and then slaughtered by the tax laws.
There is a re-enactment each night in the town square. Promptly at eight there is a gang of citizens dressed as IRS agents and they systematically gun down single mothers and retired folks. It is all in fun and the crowds love it, but get there early to get a good seat.
Finger, Tennessee, salutes you. In fact, as you drive into town, you will notice every citizen standing on the side of the road saluting you in that quaint way they have of raising their middle fingers. When you leave town they will do the same thing. Don’t you feel special? That’s because you are, and the citizens of Finger, Tennessee, want to make sure you know it.
Just a suggestion, and I’m kind of hoping you don’t take it: make sure you don’t eat or drink anything in this town. Those rascally residents of Finger like to playfully slip Ex-Lax into the food and beverages of IRS agents. Makes for a smooth move out of town but you might find it a bit of a discomfort.
LITTLE HOPE, TEXAS
You might as well visit Little Hope and feel what the rest of us feel. You can pick up some snacks at the Down and Out Quick Shop, and spend the night at the Hooverville B & B. Try your luck at the Destitute Casino but don’t expect to win.
There is a great role-playing game nightly at the Sad Sack Gaming Parlor. You can dress up like a factory worker and beg for scraps in an exact replica of Detroit. There is also an online game you can try out; in it, you play an unemployed parent of four, and you call Social Services and keep being put on hold. Great family entertainment for sure.
I HAVE RUN OUT OF TIME AND PATIENCE
Listen, I would love to give you more suggestions, but I’ve been on hold now for an hour and I’m getting a little peevish! I’m not sure what the problem is; I mean, I’m only three months late on my tax returns and you guys promptly call and want your payment. I have a doctor friend who hasn’t paid taxes in ten years….HELLO????....ten years?
Oh, wait, I have a live agent on the phone….I’ll let you listen in…..shhhh
“Mr. Holland, we understand you haven’t paid your 2011 taxes yet. We see you owe $58.76 and we were wondering what the problem is? You have to understand, Mr. Holland, that we have that money earmarked for special projects and you are jeopardizing those projects by being late. We are having a special State Dinner for the leading politicians from China. We need to borrow another $20 billion from them and we’d like to kiss their collective ass before we ask. So you see, we really need your $58.76 to buy some appetizers.”
Sigh! I think I’ll go stand in line in Finger, Tennessee, and wait for an IRS employee to drive into town.
2012 William D. Holland (aka billybuc)
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