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The Comedy Workshop: Summer Vacation Destinations For Lawyers

Updated on October 11, 2012
Uncle Sam, Louisiana
Uncle Sam, Louisiana | Source
The geese are bigger than the kids in Olive Branch, Mississippi
The geese are bigger than the kids in Olive Branch, Mississippi | Source
Drive-in theater in Weed Heights, Nevada
Drive-in theater in Weed Heights, Nevada | Source
Idiotville, Oregon
Idiotville, Oregon | Source

Today we salute the lawyers among us; those hard working men and women who toil away in ancient law libraries, who do battle in courtrooms and who drive Mercedes-Benz automobiles to barbecues.

We all know at least one. They were the kids in elementary school who constantly argued with the teacher….and won. They were the kids in high school who had already mapped out their future thirty years in advance. They were the kids in college who could talk a cop out of a traffic ticket because they knew the law better than the cop.

We know how hard you work. You are the giants of the legal profession. Your workload would stagger Hercules and yet day after day you roll up your sleeves and twist the law into a pretzel of your own making. Your double-talk is legendary and heaven help the poor slob who walks into a courtroom looking for justice. You will set him straight once and for all.

You really do need a vacation! It is incredibly exhausting racking up those billable hours from the cocktail lounge or the race track. It’s time to kick back, change into your Brooks Bros. leisure suit, and hit the open road for some fun and adventure. We highly suggest the following locations in the United States.

YELLVILLE, ARKANSAS

Ah, there is nothing quite like the peaceful Southern charm of Yellville, Arkansas. Nestled in a country holler, Yellville radiates charm like a public defender radiates frustration. We don’t know exactly what that means but it sounds amusing so just go with it.

Make sure you come in August for the annual Pig Holler Festival. Big Jim, a local legend, will be dazzling the folks with his pig imitations (some unintentional) and the sounds of the real pigs in pens will remind you of a pack of lawyers chasing after ambulances. It is a must see event.

HOOKER, CALIFORNIA

Nothing says lawyer like Hooker, California. A little known fact about Hooker: this town is entirely populated by former ladies of the evening, all free on bail after some fine attorneys found loopholes in the local statutes. The patron saint of Hooker is Gloria Steinbutt, who single-handedly took on the Supreme Court in the famous case Daisy Huge Boobs vs. the United States. There is a wonderful statue of Gloria in the town square, right next to the Two Tricks For Fifty Bucks Café.

Lawyers can get their pipes cleaned for free in Hooker; just make sure you have all of your shots before entering the town. One other word of caution: If you are into being recognized you might want to avoid this town; this is one place where a clap is not a good thing.

LAST CHANCE, COLORADO

Tucked away in the northwest part of this lovely state is Last Chance, a town of very grateful citizens who feel like they won the national lottery due to some fine plea bargaining by Grizzly Mason, step-brother of Perry Mason of television fame. Yes, there really was a Perry Mason. He has gone to that big bench in the sky but his legacy lives on with Grizzly.

Spend the night at the Tort Bed & Breakfast, and while you are there make sure you enjoy some theater at the Miranda Playhouse. Just make sure to keep your mouth shut while enjoying the show. What you say there can and will be held against you.

UNCLE SAM, LOUISIANA

Southern charm awaits you at Uncle Sam. There is nothing quite like getting your clothes washed and pressed at the Taking It In The Shorts Laundromat. For laughs stop by the Uncle Sam Casino, where the deck is stacked against those who have nothing.

Each year in early September there is a local competition held that you won’t want to miss. Representatives from the FBI and CIA converge on Uncle Sam and play back illegal tapes of conversations captured during Grand Jury hearings. The prize goes to the most damaging tape played; the losers, of course, will be indicted at the end of the competition. Great fun!

COCKEYSVILLE, MARYLAND

If you are a lawyer then you are quite familiar with Cockeysville. Where else could you see residents of a town strut about in thousand dollar suits like peacocks during mating season? Enjoy a leisurely stroll along Status Symbol Boulevard, or have some fun at the carnival in the center of town where you can shoot rifles loaded with legal mumbo-jumbo and double-talk your way out of the Double Jeopardy Maze.

Remember that there is a statute of limitations on fun in Cockeysville, so plan on living fast and loose with the rules while visiting.

OLIVE BRANCH, MISSISSIPPI

If you ever visit Olive Branch make sure you use the Subpoena Fun Tokens while visiting the Grand Jury Inn. Ten tokens will get you a free Plea Bargain Steak. It might be a little tough to swallow but trust me, you’ll get used to it, and it goes down much better than a Guilty Burger! Those suckers will give you indigestion for 2-4 years at least.

WEED HEIGHTS, NEVADA

Have a toke on us at the Arraignment Bar & Grill, but make sure you don’t inhale or you’ll be visiting the Incarceration Palace of Pain and that ain’t no joke! Many an unsuspecting lawyer has made the mistake of visiting the bar without being properly prepared, only to be strip searched and had their habeas corpus violated. Nope, that ain’t no joke! Do not inhale!

TRUTH OR CONSEQUENCES, NEW MEXICO

This town is not for every lawyer. Only those who are willing to drive the straight and narrow roads in this town should visit. Stray off the beaten path in Truth Or Consequences and you are liable to find yourself stuck in Perjury Valley, and that’s a dead end road with no turnaround. Best stay away from this town unless you have probable cause to visit.

IDIOTVILLE, OREGON

After a tough year of dealing with clients, this is the perfect vacation spot to remind you why you became a lawyer in the first place. Relax in the Eminent Domain Spa but don’t be surprised if you are evicted shortly after arrival. That’s part of the charm of this quaint village.

Read the plaque that sits just outside the Bench Warrant Tavern. The plaque commemorates the day F. Lee Bailey visited and his words are there for all lawyers to gain inspiration from : “I never met a client I didn’t like unless, of course, they didn’t have any money.” Wow! Talk about inspiration!

LOONEYVILLE, WEST VIRGINIA

Make this a quick visit; you don’t want this town’s charm to rub off on you. In fact, give yourself a restraining order and leave post haste. Just make sure you have a snack at Ye Olde Bail Soda Fountain. The Sleeze Brothers own this landmark but get there early; they close for adjournment at five sharp each and every day. In fact, it might be better to just skip bail and head to the last spot on our list.

CHEETHAM HILL, ENGLAND

In the words of Cheetham Hill’s founding father, “You can cheat him until the cows come home but don’t expect leniency or an appeal.” These are tough town folk, and they have been known to stuff your affidavit where the sun doesn’t shine, so walk softly and carry a big alibi!

MORE SUGGESTIONS COMING SOON

Yes, we have more summer vacation suggestions. Next time we’ll be taking a look at great Summer Vacation Destinations for Morticians. Until then, we wish all of you lawyers a great vacation, and we hope you don’t suffer permanent linguistic problems from constantly practicing double-talk gibberish.

2012 William D. Holland (aka billybuc)

For more great vacation ideas see the following:

http://billybuc.hubpages.com/hub/Summer-Vacation-Destinations-For-Plumbers

http://billybuc.hubpages.com/hub/Summer-Vacation-Destinations-For-Proctologists

To purchase any of my books on Kindle, go to:

http://www.amazon.com/s/ref=ntt_athr_dp_sr_1?_encoding=UTF8&search-alias=digital-text&field-author=William%20D.%20Holland

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    • profile image

      SilverGenes 4 years ago

      My ex is a lawyer so I'm always up for lawyer sport (just kidding, he's a good guy). Will have to forward him your holiday suggestions LOL. Very funny hub!!

    • Janine Huldie profile image

      Janine Huldie 4 years ago from New York, New York

      So here I am and love this series. This one definitely doesn't disappoint. I really got a hoot out of all the vacationing spots, especially, Hooker in California. Have voted and shared too!!

    • TToombs08 profile image

      Terrye Toombs 4 years ago from Somewhere between Heaven and Hell without a road map.

      You are always a plethora of information. I think you missed your calling; any travel agency would be honored and grateful to have you catering to any clients needs. I can see it now - "Billybuc's Tag & Bag Travel Services."

    • billybuc profile image
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      Bill Holland 4 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Silver, always happy to bring a smile to someone's face. Thank you!

    • billybuc profile image
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      Bill Holland 4 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Janine, what a great way to start my day.....thank you my dear! Glad I didn't disappoint.

    • billybuc profile image
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      Bill Holland 4 years ago from Olympia, WA

      TT.....LMAO....I love that! I might have to add that with your permission. Thank you!

    • cclitgirl profile image

      Cynthia Calhoun 4 years ago from Western NC

      I've actually BEEN to three of these places - cool! I love Last Chance - fun little town. Looneyville, West Virgina...well, let's just say I wouldn't live there. But I WOULD live in Truth or Consequences. They have some incredible hot springs, a great youth hostel and it's down the road from Carlsbad Caverns. Not that I'm a lawyer, and I don't have much of an argumentative bone in my body...just independent ones. Hehehe.

    • billybuc profile image
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      Bill Holland 4 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Cyndi, you win the prize, for most loony places visited. Your prize is in the mail! LOL

      Thanks buddy; now get busy with that business of yours.

    • weestro profile image

      Pete Fanning 4 years ago from Virginia

      Let's see, how do you choose? I think I would start with Idiotville, I can hear it calling me! Great hub, billybuc and public defenders DO radiate frustration! Voted up!

    • Sunshine625 profile image

      Linda Bilyeu 4 years ago from Orlando, FL

      Idiotville is my favorite :)

      On the flip side there is Niceville, FL (insert sarcasm)! Fabulous hub Bill.

    • Curiad profile image

      Mark G Weller 4 years ago from Lake Charles, LA.

      LOL Bill, You have to do one for Supreme Court Justices!

    • billybuc profile image
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      Bill Holland 4 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Glad you liked, Pete! Thanks a bunch!

    • billybuc profile image
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      Bill Holland 4 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Mark, the requests just keep on coming. I'll give it a try my friend and thank you!

    • billybuc profile image
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      Bill Holland 4 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Thank you Linda; of course there is a Niceville in Florida! No surprise there at all, right?

    • josh3418 profile image

      Joshua Zerbini 4 years ago from Pennsylvania

      Bill,

      Ah the one I was waiting for with eager anticipation! The wait was well worth it! I enjoyed cheetham and hooker! Lol. Thanks for the laugh Bill!

    • billybuc profile image
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      Bill Holland 4 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Glad I didn't disappoint, Josh! It was fun writing it! Thanks buddy!

    • billybuc profile image
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      Bill Holland 4 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Chance, you most definitely have to go....and then of course write a hub about it. Thank you for the visit.

    • Dexter Yarbrough profile image

      Dexter Yarbrough 4 years ago from United States

      Billybuc! You are on to something here! Idiotville is my favorite! Hooker, CA is just too darn hilarious!

    • billybuc profile image
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      Bill Holland 4 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Some strange stuff, Dexter! Hey, thanks my friend. I need to go see if you have anything new for me.

    • shiningirisheyes profile image

      Shining Irish Eyes 4 years ago from Upstate, New York

      Gloria Steinbutt! Lawyers get pipes cleaned for free!

      Taking it in the shorts! I just can't stop laughing!!

      PMP PMP PMP

      PS - I do believe my Uncle Phil may have been born in Idiotville!

      Funny as hell and now I have to go wash up!

      XO

    • tammyswallow profile image

      Tammy 4 years ago from North Carolina

      These are too funny! I hope that some lawyers will read this. I will forward to my friends at Dewy, Cheetum, and Howe. I LOVE this series.

    • TToombs08 profile image

      Terrye Toombs 4 years ago from Somewhere between Heaven and Hell without a road map.

      It's all yours, Bill! :)

    • Jenn-Anne profile image

      Jenn-Anne 4 years ago

      Idiotville? Truth or Consequences? Who knew there were so many brilliant places tucked away in the good ol' US of A! Thank you for giving them all some much-needed exposure. Hehehehe!

    • Julie DeNeen profile image

      Blurter of Indiscretions 4 years ago from Clinton CT

      AHAHA- These town names are awesome! Good job Billy. You know- I shoulda been a lawyer- I argue way too much to be an ordinary civilian!

    • DeborahNeyens profile image

      Deborah Neyens 4 years ago from Iowa

      What a fun idea for a hub, Bill. Fortunately, I'm a recovering lawyer so I can vacation elsewhere. : )

    • kygirl89 profile image

      kygirl89 4 years ago from West Virginia

      Some of these places have the craziest, funniest names. It was funny to see one in WV too. Thanks for sharing.

    • TravelAbout profile image

      Katheryn 4 years ago from United States

      Billy Billy Billy....how perfectly fitting for what my life has been like the past year. I am personally dealing with several of whom I would get so much pleasure to offer them your vacation suggestions...LOL I am rolling off the couch in laughter as I read it to my husband! Your never fail to disappoint me. Thanks.

    • RealHousewife profile image

      Kelly Umphenour 4 years ago from St. Louis, MO

      I really had heard of a few of these places...hilarious! I did go to school with some future lawyers...I used to sit in class wishing those kind would put a lid on it:) lol. Up and everything!

    • billybuc profile image
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      Bill Holland 4 years ago from Olympia, WA

      PMP, I was so hoping you could make it through this hub without....well, you know! LOL

    • billybuc profile image
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      Bill Holland 4 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Well, Tammy, if you loved this one you will definitely love the next one...maybe even love it to death...morticians...get it??? LOL Thanks my friend!

    • billybuc profile image
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      Bill Holland 4 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Thanks TT! Love you Sis!

    • billybuc profile image
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      Bill Holland 4 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Jenn, I'm always happy to help out wherever needed. :) Thank you so much for the visit!

    • billybuc profile image
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      Bill Holland 4 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Julie, you might have missed your true calling. :) Thank you my friend.

    • billybuc profile image
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      Bill Holland 4 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Deb, I have no doubt that these places are not for you. I'm thinking the Caribbean is more your speed. Have a great remainder of the summer and thank you!

    • billybuc profile image
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      Bill Holland 4 years ago from Olympia, WA

      kygirl, I'm glad you enjoyed my wacky sense of humor. Thank you!

    • billybuc profile image
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      Bill Holland 4 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Travel, believe it or not I had a hard time writing this one; when I finished I didn't think it was that funny, so your comments help a lot. Thank you!

    • billybuc profile image
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      Bill Holland 4 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Kelly....LOL...they were mouthy brats in school, weren't they? Thanks my friend.

    • Lord De Cross profile image

      Joseph De Cross 4 years ago

      Excellent billy. You need to do one for welfare caseworkers. lol! Terrific!

    • billybuc profile image
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      Bill Holland 4 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Lord, thanks for the idea. First is morticians and then I'll tackle your idea on welfare. Great idea and thanks, as always, for the visit.

    • Ron Hawkster profile image

      Ron Hawkster 4 years ago from United States of America

      HAHAHA. "Nothing says lawyer like Hooker, California". That's right. Because you, lawyers deserve a vacation (in hell) for the 5 minutes it took you to file that single form for which you charged your client 10 hours at $300/hr.

      Thanks for the great laugh, Billy!

    • billybuc profile image
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      Bill Holland 4 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Ron, you got off cheap if it was only $300 per hour. LOL Glad you enjoyed it buddy; thanks for the visit.

    • shalini sharan profile image

      shalini sharan 4 years ago from Delhi

      your hubs never stop entertaining, this is no different

    • billybuc profile image
      Author

      Bill Holland 4 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Shalini, it is always a pleasure to have you visit my dear. You are lovely and I appreciate your kindness.

    • tobusiness profile image

      Jo Alexis-Hagues 4 years ago from Bedfordshire, U.K

      Those poor overwork, and over paid pillars of society really do need somewhere special to watch their cash dwindle down the proverbial, and you're just the guy to point them in the right direction.

      You're are such a charmer !!...

      the list of holiday destinations are hilarious, just priceless.

    • billybuc profile image
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      Bill Holland 4 years ago from Olympia, WA

      tobusiness, I am here to serve! LOL Hey, somebody has to help those lawyers. This is my public service quota for the day. Glad you enjoyed and as always, thank you!

    • Mhatter99 profile image

      Martin Kloess 4 years ago from San Francisco

      GREAT! :)) Here is an idea. Let us give you professions and you send them on vacations.

    • billybuc profile image
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      Bill Holland 4 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Love it Mhatter; bring them on!

    • Amy Becherer profile image

      Amy Becherer 4 years ago from St. Louis, MO

      Send 'em to the city of St. Louis, where gun battles in the streets, armed robbery, muggings and maniacal traffic will keep them on their game. I'll rent them my apartment for the week, since it's 106 degrees here and my a/c went out...again at 10 p.m. It's up to close to 90 in here now. They can get a taste of how their clients live, cause when they get done with billing, we're lucky to afford groceries, much less rent in this miserable city. Hilarious spoof, Bill. Of course, many a truth is spoken in jest...just sayin'.

    • Made profile image

      Madeleine Salin 4 years ago from Finland

      I don't know any lawyers, but if I ever meet one I'll let him or her know about these places, but I'm not going to mention HubVille. Enjoyable and funny hub! :)

    • Trinity M profile image

      Trinity M 4 years ago

      Ahhhhh! And this is what life is all about! A daily dose of laughter courtesy of my dear friend billybuc! You must have such fun researching these articles Bill. This is so much better than watching TV!! :) So who’s next on the list?? I can’t wait to find out. Great job my friend. Thank you.

    • always exploring profile image

      Ruby Jean Fuller 4 years ago from Southern Illinois

      This is hilarious, and i needed it..HaHa..I know a lawyer who will get a kick out of this..Funny stuff..

    • billybuc profile image
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      Bill Holland 4 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Amy my dear, you are so right...many a truth in jest.....LOL....I appreciate you and quite frankly I can't imagine living in those conditions. Of course, if I ever decide to go back to drinking, I'll be in a living hell until it kills me. I think I'll skip that experience....been there done that!

    • billybuc profile image
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      Bill Holland 4 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Made, just have them call me; I'll be their travel agent....and most definitely I will not tell them about Hubville. LOL Thank you kind lady!

    • billybuc profile image
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      Bill Holland 4 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Hello Trinity! I always smile when I see that you have visited me. Thank you my dear! What's next? I was going to do one for morticians but I'm afraid it will offend some people who may have lost a loved one....so the next one is for IRS agents. Should be fun!

    • billybuc profile image
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      Bill Holland 4 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Thanks Ruby! I'm always glad when I can make you laugh. I think you'll enjoy the next one in the series....IRS agents.

    • teaches12345 profile image

      Dianna Mendez 4 years ago

      I wonder if Cheetham actually has any practicing lawyers? That would be interesting to post on your businesscards! Funny and very enjoyable, as always.

    • billybuc profile image
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      Bill Holland 4 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Dianna...LOL...I hadn't thought of that! Great line! Thank you my dear and have a great day!

    • ThoughtSandwiches profile image

      ThoughtSandwiches 4 years ago from Reno, Nevada

      Billy,

      "Twist the law into a pretzel of your own making" Awesome! I think Yellville is also noted for its annual celebration where they drop live turkeys out of planes. Hmmm...perhaps the relaxing councilors better not go there for that?

      Great job! Very funny.

      Thomas

    • billybuc profile image
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      Bill Holland 4 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Thomas, I did not know that, but now that I do I believe you are absolutely correct....not a good place for lawyers. Thank you buddy; hope you are well and happy!

    • Sunshine625 profile image

      Linda Bilyeu 4 years ago from Orlando, FL

      Just as funny the second, or third time around! :)

    • billybuc profile image
      Author

      Bill Holland 4 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Thanks Linda! I need to get busy on another one of these.

    • Rolly A Chabot profile image

      Rolly A Chabot 4 years ago from Alberta Canada

      Hi Billy... missed this one and you brought many a good laugh here... seing as how this Lawyer Day... "Do you know how you can tell when it is really, really cold outside?

      "Just stand and watch for your Lawyer walking with his hands in his own pockets for a change...!

      Hugs from Canada

    • billybuc profile image
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      Bill Holland 4 years ago from Olympia, WA

      LOL...good one Rolly! I had never heard that one before. Glad you got a chuckle out of this silliness. Thank you and sending peace and hugs to Canada!

    • Mazzy Bolero profile image

      Mazzy Bolero 4 years ago from the U.K.

      As a born and bred Mancunian, I find the idea of unsuspecting Americans going on vacation to Cheetham Hill, one of the toughest areas of the city, hilarious. That would make a great movie!

    • billybuc profile image
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      Bill Holland 4 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Mazzy, that would make a fantastic movie. LOL Thank you!

    • profile image

      paxwill 4 years ago

      If they're too cheap for Hooker, California they can always go to Hooker, Oklahoma.

    • billybuc profile image
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      Bill Holland 4 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Paxwill, I will keep that in mind....I'm not fond of California, so I think Oklahoma is my destination. :) Thank you!

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