The Comedy Workshop: Summer Vacation Destinations For Lawyers
Today we salute the lawyers among us; those hard working men and women who toil away in ancient law libraries, who do battle in courtrooms and who drive Mercedes-Benz automobiles to barbecues.
We all know at least one. They were the kids in elementary school who constantly argued with the teacher….and won. They were the kids in high school who had already mapped out their future thirty years in advance. They were the kids in college who could talk a cop out of a traffic ticket because they knew the law better than the cop.
We know how hard you work. You are the giants of the legal profession. Your workload would stagger Hercules and yet day after day you roll up your sleeves and twist the law into a pretzel of your own making. Your double-talk is legendary and heaven help the poor slob who walks into a courtroom looking for justice. You will set him straight once and for all.
You really do need a vacation! It is incredibly exhausting racking up those billable hours from the cocktail lounge or the race track. It’s time to kick back, change into your Brooks Bros. leisure suit, and hit the open road for some fun and adventure. We highly suggest the following locations in the United States.
Ah, there is nothing quite like the peaceful Southern charm of Yellville, Arkansas. Nestled in a country holler, Yellville radiates charm like a public defender radiates frustration. We don’t know exactly what that means but it sounds amusing so just go with it.
Make sure you come in August for the annual Pig Holler Festival. Big Jim, a local legend, will be dazzling the folks with his pig imitations (some unintentional) and the sounds of the real pigs in pens will remind you of a pack of lawyers chasing after ambulances. It is a must see event.
Nothing says lawyer like Hooker, California. A little known fact about Hooker: this town is entirely populated by former ladies of the evening, all free on bail after some fine attorneys found loopholes in the local statutes. The patron saint of Hooker is Gloria Steinbutt, who single-handedly took on the Supreme Court in the famous case Daisy Huge Boobs vs. the United States. There is a wonderful statue of Gloria in the town square, right next to the Two Tricks For Fifty Bucks Café.
Lawyers can get their pipes cleaned for free in Hooker; just make sure you have all of your shots before entering the town. One other word of caution: If you are into being recognized you might want to avoid this town; this is one place where a clap is not a good thing.
LAST CHANCE, COLORADO
Tucked away in the northwest part of this lovely state is Last Chance, a town of very grateful citizens who feel like they won the national lottery due to some fine plea bargaining by Grizzly Mason, step-brother of Perry Mason of television fame. Yes, there really was a Perry Mason. He has gone to that big bench in the sky but his legacy lives on with Grizzly.
Spend the night at the Tort Bed & Breakfast, and while you are there make sure you enjoy some theater at the Miranda Playhouse. Just make sure to keep your mouth shut while enjoying the show. What you say there can and will be held against you.
UNCLE SAM, LOUISIANA
Southern charm awaits you at Uncle Sam. There is nothing quite like getting your clothes washed and pressed at the Taking It In The Shorts Laundromat. For laughs stop by the Uncle Sam Casino, where the deck is stacked against those who have nothing.
Each year in early September there is a local competition held that you won’t want to miss. Representatives from the FBI and CIA converge on Uncle Sam and play back illegal tapes of conversations captured during Grand Jury hearings. The prize goes to the most damaging tape played; the losers, of course, will be indicted at the end of the competition. Great fun!
If you are a lawyer then you are quite familiar with Cockeysville. Where else could you see residents of a town strut about in thousand dollar suits like peacocks during mating season? Enjoy a leisurely stroll along Status Symbol Boulevard, or have some fun at the carnival in the center of town where you can shoot rifles loaded with legal mumbo-jumbo and double-talk your way out of the Double Jeopardy Maze.
Remember that there is a statute of limitations on fun in Cockeysville, so plan on living fast and loose with the rules while visiting.
OLIVE BRANCH, MISSISSIPPI
If you ever visit Olive Branch make sure you use the Subpoena Fun Tokens while visiting the Grand Jury Inn. Ten tokens will get you a free Plea Bargain Steak. It might be a little tough to swallow but trust me, you’ll get used to it, and it goes down much better than a Guilty Burger! Those suckers will give you indigestion for 2-4 years at least.
WEED HEIGHTS, NEVADA
Have a toke on us at the Arraignment Bar & Grill, but make sure you don’t inhale or you’ll be visiting the Incarceration Palace of Pain and that ain’t no joke! Many an unsuspecting lawyer has made the mistake of visiting the bar without being properly prepared, only to be strip searched and had their habeas corpus violated. Nope, that ain’t no joke! Do not inhale!
TRUTH OR CONSEQUENCES, NEW MEXICO
This town is not for every lawyer. Only those who are willing to drive the straight and narrow roads in this town should visit. Stray off the beaten path in Truth Or Consequences and you are liable to find yourself stuck in Perjury Valley, and that’s a dead end road with no turnaround. Best stay away from this town unless you have probable cause to visit.
After a tough year of dealing with clients, this is the perfect vacation spot to remind you why you became a lawyer in the first place. Relax in the Eminent Domain Spa but don’t be surprised if you are evicted shortly after arrival. That’s part of the charm of this quaint village.
Read the plaque that sits just outside the Bench Warrant Tavern. The plaque commemorates the day F. Lee Bailey visited and his words are there for all lawyers to gain inspiration from : “I never met a client I didn’t like unless, of course, they didn’t have any money.” Wow! Talk about inspiration!
LOONEYVILLE, WEST VIRGINIA
Make this a quick visit; you don’t want this town’s charm to rub off on you. In fact, give yourself a restraining order and leave post haste. Just make sure you have a snack at Ye Olde Bail Soda Fountain. The Sleeze Brothers own this landmark but get there early; they close for adjournment at five sharp each and every day. In fact, it might be better to just skip bail and head to the last spot on our list.
CHEETHAM HILL, ENGLAND
In the words of Cheetham Hill’s founding father, “You can cheat him until the cows come home but don’t expect leniency or an appeal.” These are tough town folk, and they have been known to stuff your affidavit where the sun doesn’t shine, so walk softly and carry a big alibi!
MORE SUGGESTIONS COMING SOON
Yes, we have more summer vacation suggestions. Next time we’ll be taking a look at great Summer Vacation Destinations for Morticians. Until then, we wish all of you lawyers a great vacation, and we hope you don’t suffer permanent linguistic problems from constantly practicing double-talk gibberish.
2012 William D. Holland (aka billybuc)
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