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The Comedy Workshop: Summer Vacation Destinations For Lawyers




Today we salute the lawyers among us; those hard working men and women who toil away in ancient law libraries, who do battle in courtrooms and who drive Mercedes-Benz automobiles to barbecues.
We all know at least one. They were the kids in elementary school who constantly argued with the teacher….and won. They were the kids in high school who had already mapped out their future thirty years in advance. They were the kids in college who could talk a cop out of a traffic ticket because they knew the law better than the cop.
We know how hard you work. You are the giants of the legal profession. Your workload would stagger Hercules and yet day after day you roll up your sleeves and twist the law into a pretzel of your own making. Your double-talk is legendary and heaven help the poor slob who walks into a courtroom looking for justice. You will set him straight once and for all.
You really do need a vacation! It is incredibly exhausting racking up those billable hours from the cocktail lounge or the race track. It’s time to kick back, change into your Brooks Bros. leisure suit, and hit the open road for some fun and adventure. We highly suggest the following locations in the United States.
YELLVILLE, ARKANSAS
Ah, there is nothing quite like the peaceful Southern charm of Yellville, Arkansas. Nestled in a country holler, Yellville radiates charm like a public defender radiates frustration. We don’t know exactly what that means but it sounds amusing so just go with it.
Make sure you come in August for the annual Pig Holler Festival. Big Jim, a local legend, will be dazzling the folks with his pig imitations (some unintentional) and the sounds of the real pigs in pens will remind you of a pack of lawyers chasing after ambulances. It is a must see event.
HOOKER, CALIFORNIA
Nothing says lawyer like Hooker, California. A little known fact about Hooker: this town is entirely populated by former ladies of the evening, all free on bail after some fine attorneys found loopholes in the local statutes. The patron saint of Hooker is Gloria Steinbutt, who single-handedly took on the Supreme Court in the famous case Daisy Huge Boobs vs. the United States. There is a wonderful statue of Gloria in the town square, right next to the Two Tricks For Fifty Bucks Café.
Lawyers can get their pipes cleaned for free in Hooker; just make sure you have all of your shots before entering the town. One other word of caution: If you are into being recognized you might want to avoid this town; this is one place where a clap is not a good thing.
LAST CHANCE, COLORADO
Tucked away in the northwest part of this lovely state is Last Chance, a town of very grateful citizens who feel like they won the national lottery due to some fine plea bargaining by Grizzly Mason, step-brother of Perry Mason of television fame. Yes, there really was a Perry Mason. He has gone to that big bench in the sky but his legacy lives on with Grizzly.
Spend the night at the Tort Bed & Breakfast, and while you are there make sure you enjoy some theater at the Miranda Playhouse. Just make sure to keep your mouth shut while enjoying the show. What you say there can and will be held against you.
UNCLE SAM, LOUISIANA
Southern charm awaits you at Uncle Sam. There is nothing quite like getting your clothes washed and pressed at the Taking It In The Shorts Laundromat. For laughs stop by the Uncle Sam Casino, where the deck is stacked against those who have nothing.
Each year in early September there is a local competition held that you won’t want to miss. Representatives from the FBI and CIA converge on Uncle Sam and play back illegal tapes of conversations captured during Grand Jury hearings. The prize goes to the most damaging tape played; the losers, of course, will be indicted at the end of the competition. Great fun!
COCKEYSVILLE, MARYLAND
If you are a lawyer then you are quite familiar with Cockeysville. Where else could you see residents of a town strut about in thousand dollar suits like peacocks during mating season? Enjoy a leisurely stroll along Status Symbol Boulevard, or have some fun at the carnival in the center of town where you can shoot rifles loaded with legal mumbo-jumbo and double-talk your way out of the Double Jeopardy Maze.
Remember that there is a statute of limitations on fun in Cockeysville, so plan on living fast and loose with the rules while visiting.
OLIVE BRANCH, MISSISSIPPI
If you ever visit Olive Branch make sure you use the Subpoena Fun Tokens while visiting the Grand Jury Inn. Ten tokens will get you a free Plea Bargain Steak. It might be a little tough to swallow but trust me, you’ll get used to it, and it goes down much better than a Guilty Burger! Those suckers will give you indigestion for 2-4 years at least.
WEED HEIGHTS, NEVADA
Have a toke on us at the Arraignment Bar & Grill, but make sure you don’t inhale or you’ll be visiting the Incarceration Palace of Pain and that ain’t no joke! Many an unsuspecting lawyer has made the mistake of visiting the bar without being properly prepared, only to be strip searched and had their habeas corpus violated. Nope, that ain’t no joke! Do not inhale!
TRUTH OR CONSEQUENCES, NEW MEXICO
This town is not for every lawyer. Only those who are willing to drive the straight and narrow roads in this town should visit. Stray off the beaten path in Truth Or Consequences and you are liable to find yourself stuck in Perjury Valley, and that’s a dead end road with no turnaround. Best stay away from this town unless you have probable cause to visit.
IDIOTVILLE, OREGON
After a tough year of dealing with clients, this is the perfect vacation spot to remind you why you became a lawyer in the first place. Relax in the Eminent Domain Spa but don’t be surprised if you are evicted shortly after arrival. That’s part of the charm of this quaint village.
Read the plaque that sits just outside the Bench Warrant Tavern. The plaque commemorates the day F. Lee Bailey visited and his words are there for all lawyers to gain inspiration from : “I never met a client I didn’t like unless, of course, they didn’t have any money.” Wow! Talk about inspiration!
LOONEYVILLE, WEST VIRGINIA
Make this a quick visit; you don’t want this town’s charm to rub off on you. In fact, give yourself a restraining order and leave post haste. Just make sure you have a snack at Ye Olde Bail Soda Fountain. The Sleeze Brothers own this landmark but get there early; they close for adjournment at five sharp each and every day. In fact, it might be better to just skip bail and head to the last spot on our list.
CHEETHAM HILL, ENGLAND
In the words of Cheetham Hill’s founding father, “You can cheat him until the cows come home but don’t expect leniency or an appeal.” These are tough town folk, and they have been known to stuff your affidavit where the sun doesn’t shine, so walk softly and carry a big alibi!
MORE SUGGESTIONS COMING SOON
Yes, we have more summer vacation suggestions. Next time we’ll be taking a look at great Summer Vacation Destinations for Morticians. Until then, we wish all of you lawyers a great vacation, and we hope you don’t suffer permanent linguistic problems from constantly practicing double-talk gibberish.
2012 William D. Holland (aka billybuc)
For more great vacation ideas see the following:
http://billybuc.hubpages.com/hub/Summer-Vacation-Destinations-For-Plumbers
http://billybuc.hubpages.com/hub/Summer-Vacation-Destinations-For-Proctologists
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Comments
If they're too cheap for Hooker, California they can always go to Hooker, Oklahoma.
As a born and bred Mancunian, I find the idea of unsuspecting Americans going on vacation to Cheetham Hill, one of the toughest areas of the city, hilarious. That would make a great movie!
Hi Billy... missed this one and you brought many a good laugh here... seing as how this Lawyer Day... "Do you know how you can tell when it is really, really cold outside?
"Just stand and watch for your Lawyer walking with his hands in his own pockets for a change...!
Hugs from Canada
Just as funny the second, or third time around! :)
Billy,
"Twist the law into a pretzel of your own making" Awesome! I think Yellville is also noted for its annual celebration where they drop live turkeys out of planes. Hmmm...perhaps the relaxing councilors better not go there for that?
Great job! Very funny.
Thomas
I wonder if Cheetham actually has any practicing lawyers? That would be interesting to post on your businesscards! Funny and very enjoyable, as always.
This is hilarious, and i needed it..HaHa..I know a lawyer who will get a kick out of this..Funny stuff..
Ahhhhh! And this is what life is all about! A daily dose of laughter courtesy of my dear friend billybuc! You must have such fun researching these articles Bill. This is so much better than watching TV!! :) So who’s next on the list?? I can’t wait to find out. Great job my friend. Thank you.
I don't know any lawyers, but if I ever meet one I'll let him or her know about these places, but I'm not going to mention HubVille. Enjoyable and funny hub! :)
Send 'em to the city of St. Louis, where gun battles in the streets, armed robbery, muggings and maniacal traffic will keep them on their game. I'll rent them my apartment for the week, since it's 106 degrees here and my a/c went out...again at 10 p.m. It's up to close to 90 in here now. They can get a taste of how their clients live, cause when they get done with billing, we're lucky to afford groceries, much less rent in this miserable city. Hilarious spoof, Bill. Of course, many a truth is spoken in jest...just sayin'.
GREAT! :)) Here is an idea. Let us give you professions and you send them on vacations.
Those poor overwork, and over paid pillars of society really do need somewhere special to watch their cash dwindle down the proverbial, and you're just the guy to point them in the right direction.
You're are such a charmer !!...
the list of holiday destinations are hilarious, just priceless.
your hubs never stop entertaining, this is no different
HAHAHA. "Nothing says lawyer like Hooker, California". That's right. Because you, lawyers deserve a vacation (in hell) for the 5 minutes it took you to file that single form for which you charged your client 10 hours at $300/hr.
Thanks for the great laugh, Billy!
Excellent billy. You need to do one for welfare caseworkers. lol! Terrific!
I really had heard of a few of these places...hilarious! I did go to school with some future lawyers...I used to sit in class wishing those kind would put a lid on it:) lol. Up and everything!
Billy Billy Billy....how perfectly fitting for what my life has been like the past year. I am personally dealing with several of whom I would get so much pleasure to offer them your vacation suggestions...LOL I am rolling off the couch in laughter as I read it to my husband! Your never fail to disappoint me. Thanks.
Some of these places have the craziest, funniest names. It was funny to see one in WV too. Thanks for sharing.
What a fun idea for a hub, Bill. Fortunately, I'm a recovering lawyer so I can vacation elsewhere. : )
AHAHA- These town names are awesome! Good job Billy. You know- I shoulda been a lawyer- I argue way too much to be an ordinary civilian!
Idiotville? Truth or Consequences? Who knew there were so many brilliant places tucked away in the good ol' US of A! Thank you for giving them all some much-needed exposure. Hehehehe!
It's all yours, Bill! :)
These are too funny! I hope that some lawyers will read this. I will forward to my friends at Dewy, Cheetum, and Howe. I LOVE this series.
Gloria Steinbutt! Lawyers get pipes cleaned for free!
Taking it in the shorts! I just can't stop laughing!!
PMP PMP PMP
PS - I do believe my Uncle Phil may have been born in Idiotville!
Funny as hell and now I have to go wash up!
XO
Billybuc! You are on to something here! Idiotville is my favorite! Hooker, CA is just too darn hilarious!
Bill,
Ah the one I was waiting for with eager anticipation! The wait was well worth it! I enjoyed cheetham and hooker! Lol. Thanks for the laugh Bill!
LOL Bill, You have to do one for Supreme Court Justices!
Idiotville is my favorite :)
On the flip side there is Niceville, FL (insert sarcasm)! Fabulous hub Bill.
Let's see, how do you choose? I think I would start with Idiotville, I can hear it calling me! Great hub, billybuc and public defenders DO radiate frustration! Voted up!
I've actually BEEN to three of these places - cool! I love Last Chance - fun little town. Looneyville, West Virgina...well, let's just say I wouldn't live there. But I WOULD live in Truth or Consequences. They have some incredible hot springs, a great youth hostel and it's down the road from Carlsbad Caverns. Not that I'm a lawyer, and I don't have much of an argumentative bone in my body...just independent ones. Hehehe.
You are always a plethora of information. I think you missed your calling; any travel agency would be honored and grateful to have you catering to any clients needs. I can see it now - "Billybuc's Tag & Bag Travel Services."
So here I am and love this series. This one definitely doesn't disappoint. I really got a hoot out of all the vacationing spots, especially, Hooker in California. Have voted and shared too!!
My ex is a lawyer so I'm always up for lawyer sport (just kidding, he's a good guy). Will have to forward him your holiday suggestions LOL. Very funny hub!!
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