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I'd like feedback on my Hub: Alaka Das- A devoted Soul of Classical Music

  1. SSS1942 profile image77
    SSS1942posted 3 weeks ago

    Hi Hubbers,

    I think the English is okay. Then what is the problem? why I facing trouble to clear the QAP frequently of this article?

    I'd like some help with passing the Quality Assessment Process. Will you please give feedback on my Hub Alaka Das- A devoted  Soul of Classical Music (must be signed in to view). What can I do to improve? Thanks!

    1. tom10love profile image57
      tom10loveposted 3 weeks ago in reply to this

      Try to change your title.It is too complicated so boring to read the whole article use simple language.Music is a platform where you can try to convey many things like ragas, and so on.Well, i am not an expert to comment about your English still you can improve it.

      That is it....Carry on All the best have a great day

  2. chasmac profile image98
    chasmacposted 3 weeks ago

    The English is NOT ok. There are many mistakes. The writing style is good, the title is fine and the Hub is informative, but the mistakes spoil it. Look at your first sentence:

    "Legend has it that in the middle of 16th century, Classical musician Ramtanu Pare ( Mia Tansen) and Baiju Bawra matched their voices at a recital in Agra."

    Three mistakes - "16th century" should be "the 16th century" and "Classical" shouldn't begin with a capital C; it's "classical". Also remove the space before "( Mia Tansen)".

    And that's just the first sentence.

  3. chasmac profile image98
    chasmacposted 2 weeks ago

    Good! You fixed the sentence. I want to see this Hub do well because it could be a great Hub, and I like the subject, too, so here's some more help.

    The title is fine for HubPages QAP, but you really need to start with Alaka Das because that's a very important keyword for this Hub. That's what people will put into search engines when looking for info on Alaka Das.

    Alaka Das: a Pioneer Artist of Classical Music in Bangladesh

    Now the next sentence:
    "Tansen opened with todi, spend some minutes into the raga, a herd of deer came running in the musician’s direction and stood transfixed by his voice."

    As far as I know, "Todi" is always capitalised.

    "Tansen had opened with Todi and spent some minutes into the raga when a herd of deer came running in the musician’s direction and stood transfixed by his voice."

    and the next...

    Since then, the raga has been represented in visual art, especially in rajasthani miniature paintings, as a woman in a forest, holding a sitaar, surrounded by deer."

    That's a terrific sentence, and it only has two small problems. Rajasthani needs a capital R. Sitaar is spellled sitar in English. "Sitaar" isn't a mistake as it's not an English word and you could claim "sitaar" is equally correct, but it's almost always written as "sitar" in English. That's the spelling people will enter into search engines - so don't miss out.

    1. SSS1942 profile image77
      SSS1942posted 2 weeks ago in reply to this

      Thank you very much. I am applying all this necessary changes  in the article. Hope, Now, it will pass the QAP.

      1. chasmac profile image98
        chasmacposted 2 weeks ago in reply to this

        Well that's just the first paragraph, so don't get your hopes up just yet.
        The 2nd paragraph is good and descriptive, but here are the mistakes:

        " Suddenly, the sky drizzled and rain started to flow "
        The rain started to fall, not flow.   As for " the sky drizzled"  - it's gramatically correct but not right as it's not the sky that drizzles. I'm not sure how you should fix that - I would reword it completely, BUT, you can use it as it is, in a metaphorical way like you did with Alaka Das cajoling the pancham. It's up to you.

        The last two sentences should be combined into one, and as Alaka Das is a woman change "his" to "her".

        1. SSS1942 profile image77
          SSS1942posted 2 weeks ago in reply to this

          Thank you very much. I wonder how I wrote "his" instead of "her". Waiting for a lot of feedback from you.

          1. chasmac profile image98
            chasmacposted 2 weeks ago in reply to this

            The fix you made to the sky and drizzle hasn't worked. I would get rid of it completely - and you should still join the last two sentences in that paragraph.

            Suddenly, a light rain started to fall. A murmur rippled through the audience, but Alaka kept up with her taans, oblivious to this unexpected visitor.

            1. SSS1942 profile image77
              SSS1942posted 2 weeks ago in reply to this

              Hi there,
              I am waiting for your valuable feedback. Please assist.
              Thank you

              1. Marisa Wright profile image94
                Marisa Wrightposted 2 weeks ago in reply to this

                You've had some very valuable help already, but the bottom line is that you need to improve your level of English, and it's not reasonable to expect someone to correct every little mistake free of charge.

                You must be able to write fluent English to be successful here, or have a good editor willing to work with you.

                1. SSS1942 profile image77
                  SSS1942posted 2 weeks ago in reply to this

                  Thank you.....

              2. chasmac profile image98
                chasmacposted 2 weeks ago in reply to this

                You've been waiting for me?  I don't actually live on HubPages, I live somewhere else, in the real world.

                Ok - here's some more help, but Marisa is right. You need good English for this site. If you can't see the problems, how are you going to do future Hubs?

                On May 2017, Alaka turned into 73. = In May 2017, Alaka turned 73.

                During early years, Alaka's riyaz once lasted 10 hours a day... = During her early years, Alaka's riyaz lasted 10 hours a day...

                But her voice has defied age, as capable of reaching the heights of swara as she could three decades ago. =  But her voice has defied age, as capable of reaching the heights of swara as it could three decades ago.
                OR
                But her voice has defied age, and she is as capable of reaching the heights of swara as she was three decades ago.

                The number of participation in concerts is reduced now... = The number of participations in concerts is reduced now...

                Born in an esteemed music family of Comilla, Bangladesh, in 1945. = Alaka Das was born into an esteemed musical family of Comilla, Bangladesh, in 1945.

                Her father was a renowned artist of classical music Pandit Surendra Narayan Das. = Her father, Pandit Surendra Narayan Das, was a renowned artist of classical music .

                Alaka was blessed to born in this family. = Alaka was blessed to be born in (or into) this family.

                It was 1963. For a classical musician, there could have been no better place than Dhaka during 1960. = It was 1963. For a classical musician, there could have been no better place than Dhaka during the 1960s.

                It was sound great to the audience. = It sounded great to the audience.

                ...she published a book on classical music named Raag Monjori by her name in Bengali language. = ...she published a book on classical music named Raag Monjori in the Bengali language.

                Alaka Das in her musical tenure was awarded a lot of times by various organizations and media group. = Alaka Das in her musical tenure was awarded a lot  of ("many" is better) times by various organizations and media groups.

                Parimal Dutta Memory Award in 2002. = Parimal Dutta Memorial Award in 2002.

                ...who makes her heart out during performance and compelled the listeners to submit into the magnificent charming of classical music. = ...who sings her heart out during performances and compels the listeners to submit to the magnificent charm of classical music.

                Ok - that's about all I can do. If you make those corrections, the English will be good enough for publication and to be featured. If it's not published, then there must be some other reason.

                1. SSS1942 profile image77
                  SSS1942posted 2 weeks ago in reply to this

                  I am grateful to you.....
                  I will remain grateful to you....
                  Thank you very much. I will take care about this issues in future while writing other hubs.

                  1. chasmac profile image98
                    chasmacposted 2 weeks ago in reply to this

                    No problem, and I see your article is now published and featured. Success!

 
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