Anger in Grief

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   Motown2Chitownposted 11 years ago

   For those who have grieved (or are grieving) a major loss, when did you realize that anger was a huge part of the process and how did/do you handle that anger?  Was/Is there a point when you were able to embrace and express the anger productively and move past it?

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      peeplesposted 11 years agoin reply to this

      I spent 13 years bottling anger against my mother for leaving me for my father. Losing both parents because they Chose not to be responsible parents it was hard not to be angry. Last month my mother decided to call. I spent 15 minutes screaming at her every bad feeling I had. While it wasn't the most mature result it worked. I no longer feel anger toward her. I simply feel closure. I've never felt grief over someone dying so I can't speak for that. I can say that anger isn't always a bad thing. Sometimes it fuels greatness!

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         Motown2Chitownposted 11 years agoin reply to this

         Oh, peeples, my sister had a very similar experience with our mother once, and it honestly did them a world of good.  Thanks for such an honest response.
         
         And, I'm not only referring to the losses of loved ones to death  - we often experience so many losses in our lives that we find ourselves grieving constantly.  I wonder how many of us understand the importance of expressing our anger during the grieving process.

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      a49eracctposted 11 years agoin reply to this

      By going to the beach and screaming at the waves. It seems silly, but it works. Every word seems to die out beneath the waves because they are roaring back at you. It is quite a relief. (and when i say screaming, it was words that i was yelling)

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         Motown2Chitownposted 11 years agoin reply to this

         Wow - that doesn't seem silly at all, a49eracct!  I can see how that might be quite productive and cathartic.  Isn't it interesting what seems to work for some.  I have many crossroads moments at the beach myself.  For me it's because - well, it's like taking on the bigness and badness of whatever's troubling me and coming out on top.  It sounds like that's what you did. 
         
         Fantastic answer, thank you!

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   Sharyn's Slantposted 11 years ago

   Hey Michelle,
   
   Just happened to see your post.  How are you?
   
   I have found whether it is a loss of a job, death of a loved one, end of a relationship or whatever, that anger always helps me move on.  But, and it's a big BUT, I seem to waiver for a long time back and forth between sadness and anger.  I am the type of person who does not stay mad for long and I easily (sometimes stupidly) forgive others.  I believe this makes my "process" longer.  And some of the anger is directed toward myself.
   
   I do understand that anger is a very important part of the grieving process.  For me, it seems to take awhile to really push through it.  I have been grieving the suicide death a person who I was in a relationship with who died last October.  Just recently I was speaking with my best friend, and I said to her "I am so fricken angry."  Her response was "good, that's really good, hold on to that."  And I realize that she is right.  I keep going back into the sadness and not moving on with my life.  When I get angry, which I have many reasons to be angry with this situation, I am able to see things clearer and move forward. (gosh I hope this makes sense

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      Motown2Chitownposted 11 years agoin reply to this

      Oh, Sharyn, honey, it makes perfect sense!  When I originally posted this, I was experiencing some anger relating to the loss of our baby three years ago.  Shortly after posting, I found out that a very dear friend of mine for many years died unexpectedly.  I found out that he had been sick for the last five years but had kept it from me.  I spoke to him at Christmas and he never mentioned it.  I was furious with him, and was trying to overcome the guilt I felt for being so angry. 
      
      Honestly, sometimes I think that's what keeps us from really acknowledging and processing the anger - for some strange reason, it's like we feel guilty for feeling that way. 
      
      No one close to me has ever committed suicide, but I can imagine that the guilt associated with that must be even greater.  First, how can you not be angry with that person, and yeah, even yourself sometimes.  What did you miss?  Why didn't they trust you and talk to you?  There are always so many unanswered questions in a situation like that one.
      
      I've found that it's of utmost importance to acknowledge to ourselves that ALL of our feelings in these scenarios are valid.  And, that the grief often takes way longer to process than we imagine it will.  I hope you're doing well with yours.  It's been a short time for you, and I pray mostly that you are gentle with yourself and allow yourself as much time as you need to accept and move on.  I've found that my grief often comes in waves - tidal sometimes.  Never when it's expected, and sometimes a lot bigger than I can handle in the moment. 
      
      Your friend is wise in her advice to hold on to the anger.  It will motivate you.  But don't hold on too tightly or too long - it is what will move you forward into better times.
      
      Thanks for your response!  Know that even though I took so long to reply, my HP family is very valuable to me.  Otherwise, I'd never have asked advice from you all.
      
      (and a big hug!)

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