Dating After Death

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   lovelife08posted 12 years ago

   Assuming we're talking about a younger couple, what would you think of a person's decision to start dating again only one or two months after their spouse dies as a result of illness, car accident, etc?

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      TIMETRAVELER2posted 12 years agoin reply to this

      Speaking as someone who has been there...I lost my husband when I was 43 and he was 47...I can tell you this:  each person handles this type of situation differently...and if you haven't been there, you can't know how excrutiatingly painful it is to suddenly find yourself all alone in life.  I started dating again after 2 months and married after and remarried after 10 months.  I never felt guilty because my husband told me before he died that he wanted me to find someone to share my life with.  It was the best gift he could have given me.

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2. 61

   content4lifeposted 12 years ago

   I think it would be really too soon because you haven't given yourself time to grieve.  Although you may never heal from the loss of a loved one, it's better to work through your time of loss before pursuing new relationships.  I feel that if you move on too quickly, your new relationship will suffer because you still have wounds.

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      lovelife08posted 12 years agoin reply to this

      I agree. I would personally go at least a year or two, depending how long my grieving process would take. In fact, if my husband, whoever he may be, and I were soulmates, I might not ever date again, for fear of dishonoring him in some way. I would move on with my life, yes, but I'm not so sure that dating would be an option.

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3. 61

   Ron Montgomeryposted 12 years ago

   It depends on what the chick looks like.  If she was hot I wouldn't even wait a month to hit it.  I mean...once your spouse is dead, what use are they to you?  Why should I have to suffer just cause my wife smoked her way into an early dirt nap?

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      content4lifeposted 12 years agoin reply to this

      spoken like a true barbarian

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         lovelife08posted 12 years agoin reply to this

         Barbarian indeed!

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         Ron Montgomeryposted 12 years agoin reply to this

         Hey, don't hate just cause I'm keepin' it real.  A man has needs and if wife #1 has abdicated her resposibilty by not taking care of herself, I'm supposed to suffer through some "grief period" while some tasty piece is waving it right in front of me?

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            lovelife08posted 12 years agoin reply to this

            Had you actually read my question, you would have noticed that I'm talking about causes of death that are NOT self-induced.

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   Mighty Momposted 12 years ago

   Lots of variables to consider besides the couple's age.
   How long had they been married?
   Is it a first marriage for both?
   Were they totally in love or having strains at the time of the death?
   How mature is the spouse left behind?
   
   Some may jump into a rebound relationship as a coping mechanism. They'd rather pretend to be "back in the swing" than actually do the grief work to get healed.
   Some people simply have a difficult time being alone.

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      lovelife08posted 12 years agoin reply to this

      Hmm. That is very interesting! I never thought of it like that.
      
      If it were me, and we were having strains when the death occurred, I would still grieve. I would probably feel a lot of guilt too for having let our marriage begin to "droop". Or even if it was his fault the strains started, I'd still grieve then too. No matter how long the marriage, how in love or not in love we were, how mature I am, he was my husband. I'm going to grieve no matter what.
      
      But as you said, there are people that choose to skip the grieving process altogether and are afraid to be alone.

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         Disturbiaposted 12 years agoin reply to this

         I've never understood some people's fear of being alone.  I've been married and I've been alone, and frankly, I've always had a much better time of it when I was on my own.

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         TIMETRAVELER2posted 12 years agoin reply to this

         Nobody "skips" the grieving process...it is something you suffer through whether you want to or not.

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5. 59

   Disturbiaposted 12 years ago

   I think it all depends on the individual and how long it takes them to process their grief.
   
   Ron, with all due respect, I don't think you are "keepin' it real" at all. If you lost someone you loved very much, and I mean really and truly loved, just a few short months after you were married, during a time period which would still be considered your honeymoon period, you wouldn't have to "suffer" through some pretend "grief period", your sorrow would be real and your loss deep.
   
   Even animals suffer grief and experience mourning. Of course you might be someone who can't handle grief and just wants to bury it by engaging in promiscuous behavior. Either way, I think most people would experience real greif and need some period of time before they would be ready to date again.
   
   But then what do I know?  I can only speak from my own personal experience of being widowed at 25 when my first husband passed away from a massive stroke.  He wasn't young, we had no great romance to speak of, but still when he died he left a big black hole in my life that nobody else has ever been able to fill.

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      Ron Montgomeryposted 12 years agoin reply to this

      I'm sorry for your loss.  You are a caring and sensitive person and pain is going to be a constant companion throughout your life as a result.
      
      I on the other hand am shallow and insensitive, which means my only goals in life have to do with immediate physical gratification.  To each his own...

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         lovelife08posted 12 years agoin reply to this

         Well, at least you have the guts to admit your insensitivity.
         
         I do have to point out that pain is not a constant companion for everyone. It is for some people who make it so and refuse to let go of the past.
         
         My mother and I lost someone very dear when I was 8. She was 26. Her second husband was killed in a motorcycle accident exactly on their first anniversary. He was coming home to surprise her and give her a ride, but lost control and didn't make it that far.
         
         Today, she is very happily married to her third husband of 12 years and have given me a beautiful little sister to tease.

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         Disturbiaposted 12 years agoin reply to this

         LOL, Ron, you really make me laugh.  I am the queen of impulsivity and I completely understand the need for immediate gratification in every sense.  Fate has played a strange trick on me.  It has given me the means to allow me to indulge in my impulsivity and need for immediate gratification, and consequently, I do suffer for it, but not because I'm a caring and sensitive person, but because it always gets me into all sorts of trouble. I married my first husband for his money and I've been suffering from it ever since.
         
         I hear what you say, but I know some seriously shallow and insensitive people, my oldest daughter for one, and it wouldn't even occurr to her to comment on my loss, much less say she's sorry for it, because she can't think that far outside of herself and her own selfishness.  So, I question the dept and sincerity of your shallowness and insensitivity.  But it's ok, your secret is safe with me. And I think you're quite funny.

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            Ron Montgomeryposted 12 years agoin reply to this

            
            
            Funny?  Funny how?  Like I'm a clown...I amuse you?

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               Disturbiaposted 12 years agoin reply to this

               Funny may not be the correct word.  Enjoyable.  I enjoy reading your comments.  I find them witty, refreshing, and entertaining...  like this pic from GoodFellas.  I just love that movie.

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   SandyMcCollumposted 12 years ago

   I don't think it's 'wrong' so much as it is not recommended. Everyone grieves in their own ways, and I'm not to judge them. However, when someone really loves the person who passed, another mate isn't in the cards for them, yet.
   
   I know a woman who is so unhappy if she's not dating someone regularly. If she dates a guy once, he will be the only one she dates until they either break up or get married. Every date turns into a relationship for her. I don't know how she feels real Love, or even if she feels it, but since high school she HAS to have a man or she doesn't feel whole.
   
   Sometimes loneliness is a much bigger monster than others may realize.
   
   This woman has been married 5 times and she's only 40.

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   ruthclark3posted 12 years ago

   I have to agree with Wonder Mom.  It takes awhile, and is painful, but if the grieving process isn't experienced in full, the cycles of grief go round and round until it poisons the next relationship.  There are five stages of grief and it takes time to process them.  The time frame is different for everyone.
   
   Sometimes there is a great need to return to the world of the living for yourself and for any children.  To isolate is the worst thing to do. 
   
   In one type of relationship there are the "hostage" and the "hostage-taker."  The victim is willing and is lost without the "controller."  He/she will look for another "controller" or another "victim" as the case may be.
   
   Studies show that for true grief it takes up to two years to fully go through the grief process.  Again, like Wonder Mom said, there are many variables.  A short marriage, the age of the person left, the children, all play a part in the process of getting on with life.  If children are involved then any action to bring back as much normalcy as possible is healthy.  It doesn't mean you didn't love the spouse who died.  It doesn't mean you aren't grieving. It means you are proactive in dealing with it and healing. 
   
   It also depends on the "date."  How caring, how unselfish, how empathetic and patient is he/she?  A patient, caring, undemanding friend can turn into romance.  It will be different, it will be more mature, it will not be anything like the one who died.  They will not try to displace the former, they will only give to the new relationship as much understanding and space as needed.
   
   When a woman, or man, HAS to have someone to be complete, they will never be complete.  That has to come from inside.  When I am alone I am okay and you are okay.  That's not to say I wouldn't miss you.  I've lost three husbands.  Each was different.  I was different with each of them, at different stages of personal growth.  I grieved for everyone of them.  I won't forget them. Time has a way of channeling pain into constructive channels if we let it.  Pain becomes bearable, then you discover that something inside has changed. The love and the loss are there.  But, so is life.  Live in today. 
   
   I am sorry this is so long.  It is a topic that is dear to me for reasons I won't put here. That would take a dozen hubs.  The answer to your question would be, I cannot hold an opinion. I can't judge anyone else.  We all are responsible for what we do and no one else. So, I don't think anything of it. It's not my business.

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      lovelife08posted 12 years agoin reply to this

      Well said! I couldn't have come up with anything better. (By the way, I think you are confusing "Wonder Mom" with Mighty Mom. ;P)

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         ruthclark3posted 12 years agoin reply to this

         lol...you are right...Mighty Mom...got it.  Sorry, Mighty Mom.  I'll always see you as my friend, "Wonder Mom."

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8. 61

   Sterling Sageposted 12 years ago

   It depends on the nature of the relationship as well as individual personality traits and life experience. Everyone has her own way of handling tragedy. For some, sooner might actually be better!

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   PurvisBobbi44posted 12 years ago

   Everyone is different, and no one should judge what another person feels in their heart is right. Just like snowflakes we are all designed with a different shape and heart.
   
   I personally, don't know what I would do, but I know it would be my choice and mine alone. And I would not feel the need to validate my judgment.

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