How to Fail at Online Dating... For Women

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You Fail!

Welcome to more sarcastic advice from Jeannie. This time, I would like to help women totally fail at online dating. I am certainly no expert at actually succeeding at online dating, so therefore, I am excited to help women do the exact opposite. If you would like to put a positive spin on this, simply do the opposite of everything I tell you, and you might actually find yourself in a nice relationship after all.

I am certain you are wondering how I can possibly advise women on how to fail at online dating. Since I am dating guys, what do I know? Well, I've conducted a lot of research in this matter. Well, to be really honest, no I haven't. But what I have done is ask guys what is going on with women and their dating profiles. What are men seeing on the ladies side of OKCupid or Plenty of Fish? I wanted to know how women approach men online and how do other profiles look compared to mine. Most guys love talking about how crazy the women are online, so I was able to find out a lot of helpful information. After all of my extensive research on this matter, I am happy to share some easy ways for women to fail at online dating.

1. You should be really needy.

If you are a lady creating your online dating profile, make sure to make yourself sound as desperate as humanly possible. In your profile, you should explain how much you need a strong man to support you, be sure to mention if you have lots of kids, and also explain how you'd like to become a stay-at-home mom as soon as possible, mostly because having a job is not your thing.

If you are at a transitional stage in your life, make sure to describe that in shocking detail. If you and your 5 kids are staying with your ex-boyfriend, don't by shy about it! If you've just lost your job and you need a sugar daddy to help you, you should certainly share that in the profile as well. You definitely want to sound as pathetic and needy as possible. You are going to be a total dating failure in no time.

2. Pose with your cats.

Do you have a ton of cats milling around in your condo? Do you really embrace being the cat lady in your neighborhood? Excellent! Now take some photos of you with your cats and post them right away on a dating site.

I hope you didn't actually want a date though. If a dude looks at your profile and your photos of just you and Snuggles, Mittens, Buffy, Sniffy, Buttons, DeeDee, and who can even remember the rest of their names, he is surely going to move on to the next profile. Oh well. Who needs a man when you have your cats?

3. Lie about your age.

This one is just so easy! Simply sign up on any dating site and pretend you are 20 years younger. Yes, there will come a time when that hot 32 year old guy you've been talking to online wants to meet you in person. Sure, he thinks you are 30, but you are really 50. Oh, wait until he see you! That is when the fun begins!

Will he dump you the second he sees you? Will he be polite and buy you a meal? Maybe you've aged well and you can keep him going for a while. There will be some fun and interesting adventures once he figures it all out. Good times!

4. Don't post a photo at all.

The fastest way for a man or a woman to be a total failure at online dating is to not use a photo. After all, isn't it fun being a mystery anyway? Why would a guy want to actually know who he is talking to online? Just say you can send a photo later, but keep putting it off. Eventually that guy is going to know you are totally not willing to try at this whole online dating thing and he will move on.

Better yet, make sure to indicate on your photoless profile that you require a man to include a photo in his profile before he can even approach you. Awesome! You seem totally stable now that you are making demands that you were not willing to meet.

5. Post a photo from your "skinny days."

So this is probably the most popular complaint I've heard from men about women. It sounds like a lot of you gals out there (and you know who you are!) are posting photos from when you were 125 pounds, yet you now weigh 215 pounds. I know, I know, men shouldn't be so shallow, but come on, if you've gained a lot of weight, post a recent photo. Everyone has a right to know who they are meeting for a date. There are plenty of men that like a lady with some meat on her bones.

However, if you like failing, please keep on posting those photos of you back in your glory days. Especially make sure to include a shot of you in your bikini from 1998. You definitely don't want to give the guy any warning that you've gained some weight. Just show up on the date and see how it goes for you.

6. Give an epic, melodramatic account of your life so far.

Apparently, most women love writing long, epic descriptions in their online dating profiles. That is cool. Describing your life story in the most melodramatic way humanly possible is bound to give the dudes some laughs. So if you want to fail at dating, but you are happy to entertain your readers on dating sites, definitely make sure every man reading your profile understands you are a drama queen.

7. Don't bother reading his profile.

You should try to talk to as many men as possible while using online dating sites. If you want to fail, it is best that you are not picky at all. Make sure to use a very generic and boring pick-up line in your email to any men you might approach. Something like, "Hey, you are cute." is a good start. Better yet, how about, "Hay, U R cute." Yes! All the quality men out there will surely reject you right away.

While you are creating your generic email to send to any man you see online, make sure to make it obvious that you did not bother read his profile at all. Just base all your knowledge on his photos. You are a success at failing right now!

8. Leave out crucial details in your profile.

The best way to infuriate a man is to leave out lots of important details about your life in your profile. It is OK not to go into too many details, but if you really want to fail, you certainly can't let him know too much when he talks to you via email, text message, or phone. Some important items you can leave out of the conversation are:

  • You have kids.
  • You are still married.
  • Your jealous ex is getting out of jail tomorrow.
  • You are unemployed and live with your parents.
  • You used to be a man.
  • You are still a man.
  • You are only 16 years old.

All of these things are a perfect way to get dumped immediately! If you follow all of these steps, you are going to be on your way to failing at online dating, and potentially failing at life in general, in no time!

Copyright ©2012 Jeannieinabottle

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Comments 14 comments

Alecia Murphy profile image

Alecia Murphy 4 years ago from Wilmington, North Carolina

I love your sarcastic hubs Jeannie. It always makes a good laugh. I think this helps you fail in real dating as well. Great hub for a Monday!


JKenny profile image

JKenny 4 years ago from Birmingham, England

Great hub Jeannie. I've just thought of another one, tell him that you used to be a bloke called Steve. That would be an instant fail haha! Voted up and shared.


Pamela N Red profile image

Pamela N Red 4 years ago from Oklahoma

lol This is great. I'm not single and I don't use online services but found this very entertaining. The biggy I hear among male friends is the weight issue and women posting old thin photos.


Jeannieinabottle profile image

Jeannieinabottle 4 years ago from Baltimore, MD Author

Alecia - Yes, you are right. This would be the perfect way to fail in any dating situation. Thanks so much for checking out my hub!

JKenny - If you want to scare a guy, mentioning you were once a guy is definitely a way to get rid of him. Thanks for the votes and thanks for sharing!

Pamela N Red - I am glad you enjoyed it. Yes, when I meet a guy from the internet, I've often heard, "Hey, you look like your picture!" Ummmm... shouldn't I? I've heard there are a lot of women not posted updated photos. Oh well. Their loss is my gain when the guy dumps them and moves on to me. :-)

Thanks everyone for the comments!


aethelthryth profile image

aethelthryth 4 years ago from American Southwest

If you are really failing to drive men away, just explain to him that you have narcolepsy so he will have to do all the driving anywhere. This simple strategy took care of a man I know who otherwise was pretty open to women who weren't perfect.


randomcreative profile image

randomcreative 4 years ago from Milwaukee, Wisconsin

Well done as always Jeannie! I get a laugh out of these hubs.


meloncauli profile image

meloncauli 4 years ago from UK

I really enjoyed reading this hub. Made me laugh. Keep writing!


Jeannieinabottle profile image

Jeannieinabottle 4 years ago from Baltimore, MD Author

Thanks so much everyone! I am happy everyone enjoyed the hub. Oh, and thanks for the advice, aethelthryth. I will use that next time I want to scare someone away. :-)


bethperry profile image

bethperry 4 years ago from Tennesee

These are priceless ROFLOL! Voted up big time.

Now, should I share this with my still-searching friends still sending out their cat-lady X-mas cards every year or just wait until their old high-thigh bikini bottoms finally snap? Hmmm..


Jeannieinabottle profile image

Jeannieinabottle 4 years ago from Baltimore, MD Author

Hahaha... you might want to share this with them. Cat lady Christmas cards sound scary. I guess I should not judge though. I made my hamster pose in an Easter basket this past weekend. :-)

Thanks for checking out my hub and thanks for the comment!


Simplytrish profile image

Simplytrish 3 years ago

Great hub girl. It makes perfect sense too. You have alot of wisdom. Im just beginning the online dating thing so this gives me a good help on what to do and not do. Can you email these tips to me? Can't wait to see what you post next


Jeannieinabottle profile image

Jeannieinabottle 3 years ago from Baltimore, MD Author

Simplytrish - Online dating is difficult at times, but it can be fun, too. Just remember not to take the whole process too seriously. It has been my experience that is when people get turned off by it. I don't have your email address, but I would recommend you check out some of my other online dating hubs that are a bit more serious than this one. Be safe and good luck!


AmandaJon profile image

AmandaJon 3 years ago

Sometimes people learn more from what not to do. Very well written Hub. Voted up!


Jeannieinabottle profile image

Jeannieinabottle 3 years ago from Baltimore, MD Author

I know that is usually the best way I learn. ;-) Thanks for the vote up and for your comment!

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    Jeannie InABottle (Jeannieinabottle)1,161 Followers
    440 Articles

    Jeannie has been writing for HubPages for over 5 years. She covers a wide variety of topics - anything from hamsters to office work.



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