Echoes

I went home to an empty apartment. The door was unlocked and I feel a sudden dread building within me steadily. I saw a bunch of keys on the coffee table, I felt cold and I was starting to shake when I went into the room and found Pattrick's belonging missing. By the time I returned to the living hall, my legs were wobbly. I felt dizzy but had to escape from what I saw, I had to go out, I had to talk to someone. I managed to get a few steps out the front door when my legs wouldn't carry me anymore. I leaned on the wall and slipped on the floor, shaking badly and I was sobbing without realizing it.

I got my mobile out and called Jamie. She answered and asked me what was wrong because suddenly I couldn't utter an intelligible word out of my mouth. Finally, after a few deep breaths and choking between sobs, I said "Pattricks gone".

My five years relationship has finally ended. I have strong emotional dependencies towards this person and I don't think there was but a few days that we've been separated within those years together. Come to think of it; we were always together, almost never separated. Very close relationship. The manner of separation was HARD but it would be one of the best ways, yet most hurting on my part; being a very emotional person. I shared everything in my life with Pattrick. Secrets, my feelings, my dreams, shame, guilt and mistakes. My hurt, my history.. Almost all that makes my world.. Pattrick would be my confidante. My champion, my best friend, my partner, someone that I trusted with life itself.

I loved Pattrick in a deep, sincere and genuine way. It is not romantic but it is a kind of bond. A love that comes when you've bared your inner self to a person. Trusting. A strong attachment that will take time to remove. A person that has seen your ugly side over and over again. Someone that held you when you are hurting and punishing yourself. A person that shed tears for you. When Pattrick left, a part of me was dying. I never knew that kind of ache.

We had been arguing a lot the past year and the relationship was bound to come to an end. We just didn't know how the ending would be. One month before that, I still recall many incidents and words that Pattrick used that suggests our relationship was still steady and Pattrick hadn't made the decision to severe it. Maybe it was one too many times arguments and I am cruel with words as it was the only sword I knew how to use.

Then it was over. Like a dream.

Within the time that we were together, I have tried to leave Pattrick at least a couple of times, unsuccessfully. The first time; it was a sense of pity that i had, for I know how it felt to be rejected. Then, I was also worried about what people may think of me. An opportunist? Ingrates? Hopper? Shallow? The other times, it was much of the same reasons and I was secretly hoping that something really good will happen to this person then leaving would't hurt Pattrick too much. I thought, while I wait, I can still be with Pattrick but without realizing it; I was getting into danger zone emotionally. After all, the dependency has grown deeper. The NEED has surpassed the WANT; I getting more and more dependant. The attachment made me fragile. But I do know what I want. Mentioned it many times to a few of my friends, even years before we separated.

I keep hearing people telling me, "Pattrick is so devoted to you." When I get mad at this person, "You should be easy on Pattrick.", If I overstay my night out with the gang they tell me,"Pattrick wouldn't sleep before you go home." and if someone unintentionally hurt me, "Don't let Pattrick knows about that, I'll get killed for doing this to you." My friends likes and trusted Pattrick. They listen to this person because Pattrick doen't say much unless it's necessary. My father likes Pattrick too. This is a polite and good with the elderly kind of person. My daughter fold up the pants Pattrick was wearing. This is one memory I couldn't just forget. It hurts because when Pattrick left, it was also cruel to my daughter. We are finish but my daughter doesn't deserve being deserted by someone she held dear to her heart. Someone as close as a family to her after her own mother. Yes, that is one thing I find very hard to forget. My daughter asking where this person went. And that is another thing that I harden my heart with; that no one will come closer to my my loved ones and hurt them through me again. Once is enough.

I remember the first Christmas without Pattrick. I was with my daughter. It hurts. Christmas was four months after our separation. Before that it was my daughter's birthday. I can't remember if Pattrick called her or see her. I remember the bad times I went through and the questioning look in my daughter's face, that makes it worse than it really is.

Not long before the separation, our apartment was burglarized just within less than one hour we left to get groceries. Then, I was sure that we were being watched. I live with fear for a long time. Pattrick left when I was in trauma. Sleeping with a knife next to my pillow everynight. Jumped at every noise. Some of you will never know this kind of fear. There are those who understands how it feels. I don't sleep well, I was tired and getting skinny real fast. Losing weighs and getting haggard and looking older than my age due to the mental torture and exhaustion. My vitality never returned; I keep losing it until today. That wasn't Pattrick's fault. This person did what was best. Only that, nobody counted on how it may affect me. I do not think anyone really knew the extent of what I went through. Not the real thing. As I am writing this, memories replays itself, the memory of that ache returns and I know my eyes are glistening.

I thought I knew what hurting means. But that was the time I truly experienced real pain. Fear, lost and without direction, no one to turn to, feeling worthless and a deep sense of loss. It was like drowning. I would wake up several times at night with an aching that threatens to choke me in my sleep. I had not known this kind of pain before; it feels like my heart is gripped and covered in ice, and i feel cold inside. And this pain in my chest is unbearable, I would like to stick a knife into me, because I know I will not have felt a thing. Have you felt like you're bleeding inside and there's nothing you can do about it?

I have healed gradually during that time. It was the the Psalm that helped me through. I read and pray and cry whenever I can pull myself out of a catatonic state. Most of that ten days that I stayed indoor, hiding from anyone that comes knocking on my door; I was lying on the floor unable to find the courage to move, just staring at the ceiling or out the glass sliding door to the balcony, alternating between hugging my knees or kneeling and holding my middle to squeeze the hollowness in my chest, rocking back and forth for hours. In the end, It was my christian faith that stopped me from making foolish decisions. And my great need to survive that made me snap back and got up again. The healing took time.

I never let myself depend on anyone as completely as I had once been; again. After years of repeating a pattern that i didn't even realize i was doing, in a moment of clarity, I realized I have pushed every good beginning in a relationship or friendship. I have unconsciously sabotage each chance of happiness I have had coming my way. I now know that it was partly a means to punish myself for some guilt I felt as an imperfect human being. Because I fell short of my own expectations and a belief that I do not deserve being happy. The other part of me is afraid. That if I grew closer to anyone, they will leave me one way or another. A few years ago, a colleague asked why i chose to remain a single person yet desire children in my life. I hadn't think about what i was saying, but i had told her that, if i have a husband he may not leave me for another but he would die on me and i can't bear it. When i recall my spontaneous answer, i wonder if that wasn't how my mind really works. If you don't have it, you wouldn't feel losing it.

Years has past me by.. Now, I yearn for something that at times I thought I understand. I try to substitute that yearning with recklessness that left me all the more empty.

-Jade.