Disagreement with hubby over in laws

1. 53

   newyorkcity12posted 14 years ago

   Disagreement with hubby over in laws
   
   My husband and I are constantly fighting about his parents. Every time I brng up their name he gets so defensive. They live in a different state and I suggested that instead of us visiting (we have 3 kids so that's 5 plane tickets) every year which can get expensive if we could alternate - we visit one year and they visit us the next. He went ballistic at the very idea of it and we have not spoken to each other in 2 days. I don't feel that I was being unreasonable. They have such a hold on him - I just don't understand what it is. I have a good relationship with them. I'm just getting pretty t

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2. 59

   duffsmomposted 14 years ago

   If you were as reasonable as you describe above, then it is his problem.  You might try once again to discuss it, but other than that you cannot change him, so go about your business, he will get tired of pouting.  It takes a lot of energy to keep up pouting and the silent treatment.
   
   It sounds like your request was a reasonable one.  Is he as unreasonable about other things or just his parents?

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3. 69

   Storytellersrusposted 13 years ago

   I agree with duffsmom.  It took me years and years to realize my husband's issues with his parents were not my problem but his.  Somehow, forcing me to fix his emotional outbursts regarding his family gave him the option of not looking at why he reacted so strongly- I carried the burden and the blame.  When I disengaged, he had to take responsibility for his own emotional baggage.
   
   It is curious that your husband responds so dramatically.  Is this a pattern he uses to get what he wants or is this a way for him to deny the guilt he feels on some level?  Just brainstorming.  There are always deeper issues, when someone lashes out irrationally- and his response is not rational!  How is he around his family?  Is he an only child?  Insecure?  is your mother in law demanding?   
   
   From another perspective, you have kids!  Certainly they are involved in activities the grandparents would love to attend, i.e., plays, sports, choirs, etc?  Invite them to visit for that reason- wouldn't your husband think this a great idea?  It would be wonderful for your kids as well.
   
   A relationship only works if both of you develop your life together. You need to establish boundaries.  I know this is very hard and I was not proficient until crises demanded I lay down the law and protect my family interests over that of his mother, especially.

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