Am i being way to cautious?

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   annalizaposted 14 years ago

   i and my husband are in very good relationship.  we dont get any conflicts unless it is about his mom and which happens once in a while.  we stayed with his parents for a while and now living separately.  i had to go through a real rough time with my mil then. thats why we decided to live apart.  my fil is also not a great person still he is genuine and trustworthy most of the times.  he is very attached to his children and visit us often.  still i know that he would not hesitate to through me out just like he did to his son in law in case my husband start to dislike me . i havnt seen my mil since we left.  my hubby often visit his mom and i dont bother.  otherwise i dont want to have any relationship with her now and also in future for what she did to me in the past.  i would want to keep my kids away from her as she is highly manipulative.   
   
   what bothers me now is that my fil makes his visits often and long ones along with his daughter these days.  she never talks to me as she is supportive of her mother but will come to my house and will talk to my hubby.  am not jealous or possessive but i feel that some kind of patching up the family going on lead by my fil.  i dont take part in their discussions as i dont want to mingle.  but noone bothers aswell.  i serve them snacks and stay away doing my work... and i feel humiliated.  last time when they visited i stayed away the whole time and dint invite them.  my fil had noticed it and called my hubby next day and blamed my behaviour. 
   
   the reason i behaved so is that i believe that they might reduce their visits if i express my disliking this way.  i dont want my fil one day show up with his wife and the whole family humiliate me the same way.  i dont see anything wrong with my hubby's behaviour.  he is normal as ever. 
   
   
   i just dont like my fil show up often with his divorced daughter and try to create emotional patch up and make it strong with his son.  so what should i do?

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      annalizaposted 14 years agoin reply to this

      kindly bear with the typos

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      MayGposted 14 years agoin reply to this

      I think you are being way too subservient to them all, including your husband.  As far as I'm concerned, anyone that enters through my door had better be civil, or they're not welcome.  It is your home, and you have the right to demand civility from anyone that steps through the door.  I hate to sound harsh, but you say you and your husband have a great relationship, but he allows them to treat you this way?  That is so wrong! It sounds as if he worries about the feelings of his abusive parents more than yours.   Your husband needs to either visit them elsewhere, or patch up the problem now.  No one needs that kind of stress in their own home.

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         annalizaposted 14 years agoin reply to this

         thanks MayG.   i agree am being submissive to my hubby in this particular matter.     there is no way that i can talk to him about this or telling him that he should meet his ppl outside.  that will totally spoil  peace in our marriage.    thats why am lookin for ideas from outside without involving him... i would hav solved it if i cud put rules in my house on this issue .   its been only two years since we got married.. and ive struggled a way too lot to gain his trust.  guess time is the only solution.

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            MayGposted 14 years agoin reply to this

            You are a kinder woman than I am, that's all I can say.  Just remember, there are two people in a marriage, and you have a right to your own feelings, it can't always be about his.  To be honest, I get the feeling that your in-laws come over deliberately to be rude to you.  It seems to me they want to prove that they still have control over their son, but your husband is a man and his loyalty has to be above all to you.  I would drag him to a marriage counsellor, as I think there are serious issues here.    I wish you luck on this one, but you know you can't always avoid conflict.  Sometimes you have to confront things to fix them, as scary as it is.  Good luck.

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      6hotfingers3posted 14 years agoin reply to this

      It is very difficult to read about your situation. It is hell. If you and your husband have your own place, there are certain things that are a given. First, if anyone comes in your house, they must respect you. That includes greeting you as they come and go. You are not required to sit and chat with them but they can't deliberately exclude you from their conversations either.  Your husband needs to make it clear to family that he is your husband and he expects them to acknowledge and respect you too. You must have a serious talk with your husband and make sure he knows you are his wife and what that means. And that you come before his family. It looks like the marriage is headed in a disastrous direction. Whose running the family your in-laws or you and your husband. Good luck!

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         annalizaposted 14 years agoin reply to this

         thanks MayG...thanks 6hotfingers3...  i really appreciate it...  ur replies were really an eye opener...which is that i should see if they respect ME properly first when they come to MY house.  rather  i was just worrying abut my future kids..  now u guys have cleared my views that respect should start from ME and should start from NOW.
         
         my hubby goes out to get his father when he hear the horn from his car.   or else my fil calls him on phone to get him outside and handing over the munches he bring for us whenever he comes... either way my fil dont meet me first... he comes straight into the hall way heading to the couch and watch tv with his son.....  am out of pic all this time ...  he say bye to me when he leaves.  i know thats more than irritating.   
         
         may be i should tell my hubby  not to go until he ring the door bell.  but when my fil calls my hubby himself should i  go along with him??  which i would not like to do but to show that this is my house also. 
         
         or if/if at all he ring the bell should i answer instead of my hubby?  which by the way i never liked.   
         
         and while they talk to each other should i sit with them and show my fil that am observing what they talk?  or just sit with them but working on my laptop? (which i would prefer)

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            MayGposted 14 years agoin reply to this

            I think you are worrying so much about little details - eg. whether he has to ring the door bell, should you sit with them etc, but can't you see that you need to discuss the way they treat you with your husband?  I mean if your above suggestions are the best you can do, then yes, do them.  I think at least that way you are asserting yourself to some degree.  Yikes.  I feel for you, but I have to agree with the delightfully blunt comments from Diane Inside down below.  Obviously I am not sure of your cultural background, but if I was in your shoes, I'd be booting my husband out the door along with the in-laws.

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   fldimplesposted 14 years ago

   perhaps you need to be the bigger person and offer an Olive branch to your fil.  If that is not possible why not suggest to your husband that he meet with them in a neutral location?  Have you shared your feelings with him?

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      annalizaposted 14 years agoin reply to this

      i wouldnt have bothered  asking for suggestions here if i simply dislike my in laws.   but my mil has done unimaginable things to me and noone questioned her including my fil  then.  i cud be diplomatic humble and be patient as usual to others but not to my inlaws anymore.   i know why he is coming around us ...  its for grand children as his daughter is divorced and she may not bring grand children to this family as she would never  let to remarry by her own mother because of her sheer possessiveness.  not my problem ofcourse.  but i definitely want to put a boundary to others not to ruin my family for their selfish desires.
      at the same time i cant tell my hubby to meet his ppl outside the house as he will take it wrong.   ive told  him my feelings but he says "how could i tell my father not to come when he calls and tells he is coming to visit us"
      
      i want to try subtle ways  where my huband will not get hurt still my fil get the message......  also if he do the same even after getting my msg whats next?

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         Laurie'sMFTIdailyposted 14 years agoin reply to this

         It sounds like your husband isn't being very supportive of your feelings. It seems as is if this is a topic for further discussion with him. Can you try to problem solve this so he doesn't have to choose between you and his father? Can you make a date with a girlfriend or go to a movie or something when your fil comes over? Can you ask for support from your husband around your feelings at the very least?

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            annalizaposted 14 years agoin reply to this

            thanks Laurie's....   i have to agree that my hubby show only lil support to me when it comes to his parents... which i cant blame it on him again considering his brought up...  he had an emotionally abused childhood.   his mom used to share the physical tortures by his father only to him.   she even told him her abortion stories when he was a 9 year old!    and yes!  he would talk like a 9year  even now whenever the quarrel between us  is about his parents!   but at the end of the day i try to understand him and tend to love him more considering what he had gone through..  he had hatredness for his father in his childhood as he was a tyrant then...  but he forgets.  he is too emotional when it comes to his parents. 
            
            thats the reason i want to do subtly without my husband's knowledge just to not hurt him a bit.
            
            thats a good idea but  if i miss them out and not at home continiously  for three times when my fil make the visits they will notice it and bring it on as an issue which again would give a lil stir to our peaceful life.

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   Lisa HWposted 14 years ago

   Since nobody here knows what kind of stuff your mother-in-law has done or what kind of influence on your children their grandfather may be, there's one thing that makes pondering what should be done (without knowing more) too much guess-work.  If your father-in-law just visits with the children and doesn't say anything related to family problems, for example, it would pretty much amount to harmless and nice visiting time between them all.
   
   I think, though, your husband ought to talk to his father and tell him, "Look.  Susie (the sister) has hard feelings toward Mary (you), and she doesn't appear interested in letting things go.  She either needs to lighten up and decide to be friendly, and maybe stay away from hot-button issues; or else, maybe, I could visit her separately, outside the house."  I think your husband ought to tell his father you both love that he visits and love that the children get to spend that time with him, but "Susie" is making that a little too awkward.
   
   He'll either understand or get offended and show up less often - either way, you win (sort of, maybe  ).
   
   Another approach might be to talk to "Susie" and tell her you don't like that you "sense awkwardness".  Then ask her to agree that, for everyone sake, you'll both put aside any hot-button issues and concentrate on having a nice, neutral, visit and talk/think about other stuff.
   
   Tell her you know the past will always be something you won't be on the same page on; but that you want to help get things a little less strained and more normal.  The reason why this kind of agreement can work is that, even if it's awkward at first, over time you and the other person can gain experience being together and having some neutral (and eventually, maybe, pleasant) time together.  It can help put the past in the past if nastiness is replaced by neutral-ness or something more positive.
   
   Then, though, join in sometimes.  Maybe do the "I'll let you folks visit" thing to break up the time here and there.
   
   Again, the sister-in-law will either understand and go with the new "work-together" plan, or else she'll get irked and stop showing up.   You win either way.      (Hopefully - but don't listen to me. I don't know any of you.    )

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      annalizaposted 14 years agoin reply to this

      vey nice Lisa...thanks.  as i ve replied to another post i cant deal it WITH my husband...he will feel offended;  so cant use ur first option.   
      
      second option is really good and it should be that way.....if i break the ice and talk she will definitely will come forward and talk to me...she is friendly...and we had no big issues...  BUT, the one who got hurt in the past is me neither her nor her mom...  most importantly she is  "mom's girl".   she divorced for no reason but for her mom.  she is earning and her mom is yearning on her.    Besides,  my mil always compared me with my sil... our looks, our jobs, our dressing style everything... and my mil wanted me to show my respect to her daughter by cleaning her room pressing her clothes but when we got closer as friends she badmouthed about me to her daughter and thats how our friendship came to an end.   she even let her daughter return my birthday gift  back to me after using and three months from her b'day  telling that its "looks cheap"  and only worn by "cheap girls".    i think that wud reveal bit about my mil.  she cursed my job offer telling that "god may let u lose ur job and sit at home"  just in a week  i got an offer from a big fashion concern.. and she put match stick in the food she made for me.   i had to take it out and consume it... may sound cynic but she is not any less to a movie mil.  am just telling 2 out of her 1000 caz that wud fill a few hubs.
      
      though my sil is basically a good gal i cant let the past happen in another bizarre way again...atleast until her mom is alive.   her possessiveness, passive aggression and jealouly could spoil my any ordinary day.

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   annalizaposted 14 years ago

   i guess some of what ive revealed is a bit flashy and its now a lil easy to understand by worries...  this family is kinda forgetting and forgiving even if they have to kill some one they will forgive each other.  they wil have an explanation to justify.. if i forget the past and be amiable to my fil that will open the door to my mil to get in....if not now in the future when we have a kid.  my fil will get closer to my kid and that way will my mil. if not my fil never my mil... i dont want to see my kid in the hands of an experienced manipulator who would turn my kid against me as in my sil's case.

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   ddsurfscaposted 14 years ago

   I think you should handle things differenetly in your house no matter what the situation is between you all.  As for myself, when people come into my house and expecially if I do not trust them, I keep my eye on things.  There is no reason to stay away from them in your house and then wonder if there is a conspiracy going on.  Dont join in if you feel uncomfortable, but sit in a corner and listen or pop in and out to keep track of the drift of the conversation.  Perhaps it is simply a case of relatives missing one another, maybe not.  I personally would not put your husband in the middle, cause that sucks for him, but a question occasionally to put your mind at ease wouldn't be bad.  Remember, your house is your ground, your rules.  Assert yourself if you need to.

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   Diane Insideposted 14 years ago

   poor girl, your husband is to blame, he should have put his foot down.
   
   He should have said, This is who I love, this is who I married, if you all can't accept that then you are not welcome in OUR, home.
   
   Simple as that, it is his fault for not standing up to them, for you.
   
   I would leave my husband if he did that to me.

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   annalizaposted 14 years ago

   thanks MayG..thanks ddsurfsca...thanks Diane inside.
   
   i guess ddsurfsca understood quite a bit lot...  i do not want to put my hubby in the middle.  anyway they are his parents.  if my parents come to our house(not often though) how wud i like my hubby to treat them?  and what if my hubby thinks the same as i think about his parents??(cant guarantee older ppl behaviour; my mom might comment on his job or my dad would comment about his car)  may be i would try to explain  my husband on why my parents behaved so and telling they dint mean it to offend him..
   moreover,  its subtle when my fil behave so that my hubby would not take it to offend me. obviously he wud get irritated as ddsurfsca said if he do mediating job.  what i think is that i should do the things myself to fil in the same subtle way.  so he wud know my importance.  those cud be simple points as i said...gestures or anything like that which even if my fil complain about it later to my hubby he should ignore it as petty things!

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