Here's my example. My husband left this morning on a five-day fishing trip with his buddies. I honestly am happy for him going. But I was annoyed that he spent the last week packing, buying a new fishing rod, really getting into the whole thing (basically extending the time "away" well beyond 5 days).
I did not plan to start a fight, I really didn't.
As we were plating dinner he said to me, "I don't like these napkins."
Well, in my mind that was the 4th strike of the week (and that doesn't even count the directly related to the trip resentments).
He'd also said 3 other mildly critical things.
I added them all together and kaboom -- the combination was combustible.
Anyone else do this... or live with a partner who does?
Let things build and build until the top of the pressure cooker pops off and hits the ceiling?
I think we all blow up at times. It is not always in a relationship. It may be while driving or your in store and someone cuts in front of you in line........Stuff like that. In our mind we feel we should be angry when we feel we have had enough bs. Heck we have the right to be angry.
The hard part is to just let go. We often are in the right and people should not do what they do. I think part of it is just having enough crap and the other part is saying wait a minute this is not fair.
As the saying goes: "It is better to give a resentment than to have a resentment."
The thing is that our anger affects us and it doesn't do anything to the other person. So by trying to punish them we are punishing ourselves. I have been a hot head before and I know how hard it is but I am trying to just let the anger pass and not trying to dwell on it.
I feel for you because it is the little critical and sarcastic remarks like you experienced that make me pop a gasket. The best thing is to just try to let it go and I am a fine one to talk because I will get angry also. My wife and myself have already spoken to each other and we have similar tempers so we try not to push each others buttons and we do pretty well......On the road, however, with Seattle drivers holy moly....I better not go there now.
If we can let our anger pass or put it behind us so to speak, we will get angry less and actually feel better. When I am angry it does not feel good and sometimes it will last for hours or even sometimes a day so I am trying to learn also.
I can very well understand the feeling as I react this way after a lot of things have piled up. I never intend to lose my temper and feel bad later on.
everyone has a limit . It's okay to blow up to show each other that we have our tolerance up to a limit, not to be bullied all the time. We voice our anger to let the other party knows why we are upset and hope that he/she will take note. Just don't do it often because relationship will not last.
Doesn't like the NAPKINS?? He should be happy he's getting a meal!
My husband has a quick temper, but he gets over it quickly. I'm VERY slow to anger, but once I reach the boiling point, look out!!
Mighty Mom it seems like the two of you have forgotten the love you both had for one another when you made your marriage vows on your special day.
Things don't always run smoothly when you live together & it seems like you are doing your bit but your hubby takes your efforts for granted (as do maybe you too).
It seems, as so many other couples do, once they have been together for time, that you have taken advantage of each other for granted!
I am not promoting my article but I have written such a subject concerning this issue if you would care to look as it is a common issue.
You sound like me! I'm sure many women out there feel the same way you do. Nothing to worry about I mean, you've the right to let your husband know what you're feeling!
As long as you are not doing it every day, it's o'kay, otherwise it can be very devastating for your children, if you have any. My parents were doing it every day until they divorced. It was really bad experience for me. I succesfully avoided confrontation in my family life up to a certain point but not completely. Very humiliating experience.
He deserved to be blown up at. What's with being someone who makes enough critical remarks that someone notices? Who feels the need to comment on whether he likes the napkins or not? My in-laws (wonderful, kind, people) used to irk the heck out of me, because they treated every last, little, thing in life as if they were "official reviewers" of it. The lot of them would sit around and critique everything from hamburgers to rugs (in general; I don't me my stuff - just everything they had, ran into, etc. Criticizing everything in the world was, apparently, their way of having a conversation). I'd think, "You know what? What makes you think anyone cares if you like something?!!" :mad"
Having probably led people to believe I blow up too... No. I never blow up in people's presence. I'm more the pressure cooker that never blows, and I live feeling it. I don't know how to blow up, or else I'm so aware that what I'm going to blow up over would involve my verbally hitting someone below the belt; I stop myself. I may sort of blow up every ten months or so by waiting until people are all out of the house, doing something like having a temper tantrum with objects and blowing up verbally by myself (hope the neighbors don't hear ). I know it's probably not the healthiest way to operate, but, as I said, I don't know how else to be. (I suppose it takes SO much to make me need to blow up, and the things it takes are related to relationships, rather than more minor things, that's why the hitting-below-the-belt factor has to stop me.)
I understand people and why they do some things, and I'm an overlooker of the small stuff (usually). So that leaves those big issues in my pressure cooker - and it isn't good. I won't even write to vent, because if someone I know reads something it will be worse (relationship-wise, hurt-feelings-wise) than hitting below the belt in person. So, then, I spend a lot of time stewing over how I could make my point and vent, without really making it obvious to whoever it is I'd like to hear me out; and that adds to the pressure cooker.
(The length of this post probably indicates that the thread seems to have been an invitation to someone like me to let off a little steam. ). People often think, "Just let someone have it. It won't destroy the relationship." That's not necessarily true. When you're dealing with someone who sees some things some ways, speaking up can cause serious hurt sometimes. The killer, to me, is that I'm a strong, reasonable, person who has plenty of self-confidence about most things. I do know I don't seem to be able to function well if/when the other person turns unreasonable and starts yelling, because all my "reasonable-ness" and even "right-ness" doesn't work with such people. So, I've learned to save the face of "not being allowed to win" by anyone who would get that way if I did speak up/blow up. I'm great in debates - not arguments.
So, if you're someone who blows up - that's probably good. The people around you probably understand that "these things happen" and overlook your occasional blow-ups. It happens that for me, a lot of people in my life make the stakes higher when it comes to my speaking up/blowing up. Oh - if only everyone else were as reasonable and understanding and fair and respectful of everyone else as I am! (but they're not ) As a result, I should be having my heart attack any day now.
Sheesh! Talk about insensitivity..or maybe selfishness? Does he ever ask you how you feel about stuff, or just make assumptions? I don't blame you for blowing up, MM.
If you're gonna make a somewhat negative comment, you need to be diplomatic, as well as choosing your words carefully, and picking the right moment..once you have determined what sort of mood the other person's in at the time. Sometimes is best to keep it to yourself, if it doesn't seem like the right moment.
You're talking about the time I threw all the out door furniture in the pool and run-off the guests aren't you? Well, she told me how to place hot dogs on my grill. She was wrong of course.
ralwus, under the circumstances, I think you showed great restraint.
I am not siding with your hubby because it sounds like he got lost in what he wanted and forgot about your needs, but....
maybe earlier in that prior week, you may well could have brought it up as a general conversation to him, I am assuming he is not like a spoiled kid here! Unless you have spoiled him over the years. allowed it that is.
remember in us Guys, like Kids, what you allow you teach, we forget some times; golf, buddies, cars, fishing, football, etc..!
lots to remember.....lol
Well my answer always goes back to sex who's not getting it....lol All I can say is if to much time goes by with my husband we boh get real snappy at each other!
Good answer Dawn! Your therapist credentials are showing!
I've had nary a flare-up since he's come home.
Trying to learn to process stuff as it occurs rather than let the pressure build up.
I'll keep your anti-snappy medicine in mind ! Thanks for the reminder.
I would have just told him - o.k if you dont like the napkins - use your hand or your sleve or something -
Yeah.......I would have gotten mad too...and I'm slow to anger.
...blow up over the small stuff?....no...not worth my time and energy....
My husband lets stuff build and build, and I have no clue he is upset. He will be outside, I'll go ask him "are you hungry?" Then BAM!! out of nowhere, hes yelling at me and flipping out about all this stuff I never knew was bothering him, and I have no idea whats going on. I'm crying and hurt and never saw it coming....If he would have mentioned earlier that something was upsetting him, I would have stopped doing it. If you tell a person you are OK with something, they are going to think you are OK with it, and continue to do it. If your not, you need to tell them before you blow up. It's not healthy for you, and can be unfair for the spouse.
I bet if you were not already upset, him stating what he most likely felt to be a simple observation of a dislike of napkins, would not have bothered you in the slightest. You most likely would have said.."oh." and gone about your day. But when feeling raw and unappreciated after several "little things" (that may or may not have been intentional on his part) that would not normally bother you get all added together, its like...the last straw. My advice is, before napkins make you mad, talk to him about what is REALLY upsetting you, in a calm and non attacking way. I know if hubby would just tell me right off what is bothering him, I would do my best to right it.
In a relationship no matter how patient and understanding we are,one day we reach our saturation point.
Now the next question is, "How are we going to deal with it calmly"? Try to NEGOTIATE...Know the needs of your partner...Spell out your needs...And by doing this YOU reach UNDERSTANDING.
Be honest and open with each other what you like and don't like.Never undermine. Just be grateful and communicate effectively.
Don't be too hard on yourself. I doubt there's a person in the world that hasn't done this more times than they can count. It doesn't have to mean anything, unless it happens frequently and is a sign of underlying issues that you need to resolve. The occasional blowing off the lid can be related to so many things. Among them, hormones, stressors from full time work, too much noise, demands of parenting, and the list goes on.
The important thing is to be able to analyze and admit what it is that really upsets you. Also, to apologize for your actions. Whether your husband caused your irritation or not, it is always best to talk about your feelings before they get to the boiling point. You didn't. You let the pressure cooker build. That is on you.
If this is an infrequent, natural occurrence...you're just like everyone else. If it's something more, figure it out and deal with it together when your husband gets home. The blessing of his fishing trip is that it gives you time to reflect and figure things out on your own first.
I had to laugh at this because I do the same thing, I go along with him most of the time but something totally unrelated to whats really bothering me can be just the spark I need to explode.
I really hate it when I specifically remember him telling something, then later when he needs that information given back to him he says I got it wrong, when I know I did not, I even wrote it down. Happens all the time.
I explode, he realizes he was wrong, then apologizes for five minutes till I calm down. lol
I should know by now that he will do this and carry a recorder with me to record his information and play it back to him. lol
So don't feel bad I do it too.
We not born perfect! we all hve problems to deal with, but one has to assess the number of times one gives up steam and need to look into this case.short tempers flares, but wait this is not an answer.Lots of time is takin into relaxing, and workin out the problems, establishing a healthy relationshp with ppl its a curving time in ones life.We just need to work in the teethin areas and in time it will all come together..
If we blow up over little things that clearly indicates that some serious problems are lurking at the back. We either do not realise them or unwilling to admit even to ourselves that we have them.
So true, HG.
I'm more than aware of the serious issues lurking below the surface. A lifetime of bad behavior to prove it, too (although in the past 6 years I've cleaned up my act quite a bit).
I do try hard to "pause when agitated" these days. But I'm still human.
Great saying from a wise lady named Beverly Cook "I'm not the woman I wanna be but I'm better than the woman I used to be."
i tend to be annoyed but keep it in too, and then the fireworks start, but mostly over not spending time with me. even though i know we are together every day. i still want things my way, its hard to live with someone else even if its been twenty years, but you lay next to each other at night and say your i love yous and the world seems not so bad i think.
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