Mighty Mom Interviews Ron Montgomry
A real hoot of a Hubber expounds on zingers, cooking, sports, and the HubPages forums
1. According to your profile you’ve been a member of HubPages for 20 months. What brought you here, what keeps you here, and what have you learned from your HP experience?
I came to HP for the same reason I visit any online organization; to pick up girls. I stay because many of the females seem to be lacking in self-esteem and any semblance of a social life (why else would they spend so much time in the forums?). I think I have a real shot at several of them, especially the older religious ones. I have learned that my wife disapproves of my online activities. I should not have bought that skillet for her for Christmas.
2. You write Hubs on a range of topics, from food and nutrition to US politics to film reviews. Do you have a favorite Hub? Or do you have topic you most enjoy writing about?
My favorite Hub is the one I am currently working on. My idea for a pedophile manifesto was stolen by that guy, so I’m working on an instructional Hub (including video) for those who may be interested in sheep shagging.
3. Let’s talk for a minute about your forum posts. Lots of witty, scathing one-liners. How do you think of such funny answers on the spot?
I have a lot of spare time since being fired from my last position as a chef. (I only smoked crack OCCASIONALLY you’d think the Denny’s corporation would be a little more understanding of my need for an occasional pick-me-up to get through the rush.) I have spent the last year developing a one-liner database. I have about 250,000 zingers categorized by subject, target, and time of day. I type the previous post into the program and it automatically responds with the appropriate line. It still has some bugs to work out. One Hubber had posted that her dog had to be put down last Christmas, and the program responded, “Look you drunken hillbilly, if your cousin wants to marry outside of the family that’s HER business. Why don’t you go brush your tooth or something?” I haven’t seen any postings from her since. I hope she’s OK.
4. Based on your forum posts and political Hubs, is it fair to say you don’t suffer fools gladly? What type of Hubber (or politician or person) gets your dander up/brings out the comedian in you?
I can’t say that anyone here gets my dander up. I wash my clean-shaven scalp frequently, so there really is no dander to get up. I do become amused when someone posts what they claim is an original thought that turns out to be a parroting of something they heard on talk radio. These folks are fun to tweak; how can they defend a position they don’t thoroughly understand?
5. You have been a chef for 20 years. What style of cooking do you do? What is your signature dish?
I have always enjoyed doing things that have never been done before in the culinary arena. I actually invented jalapeno poppers many years ago, but I didn’t bother to patent them. Someone else got the credit and the royalties due, but I know the real story. With the development of the “rock star” chef and the plethora of cooking shows, it has gotten much more difficult to do what has never been done before. My new tactic involves cooking foods overlooked by conventional chefs due to a lack of understanding on their part. Road-kill for instance can become an important part of any chef’s repertoire if the proper aging and cooking techniques are learned. I’m pitching my idea to the food network (CMT) is my second choice.
6. Your two-part series “Freak Show – Life from a Chef’s Perspective” really opened my eyes. Is it really true that restaurant staff drop acid and don’t change their underwear?
They do far worse things; I had to edit some scenes out to comply with adsense rules. Let’s just say bending over in front of a chef is not a good idea and leave it at that.
7. In hindsight, do you wish you’d gone for the $16,000 question on “Who Wants to Be a Millionaire”? What was the answer to that question?
If I remember correctly, (doubtful) the question was, “which famous actor is known for his/her vast collection of exotic gerbils?” The correct answer was Richard Gere; I would have guessed Betty White, so no I don’t regret it. $8,000 can get you an unforgettable night with a dominatrix.
8. You met your wife through speed dating. Would you describe your relationship as fast-paced, as well?
I need her permission to answer that one; I’ll get back to you.
9. You live in Flagstaff, Arizona. Have you always been a Colts fan? Do you have a favorite baseball, basketball, hockey, soccer, curling, wrestling, or other team?
I have been a Colts fan since they moved to Indy (my home town) in 1984. I absolutely love curling. I love the team from Qatar, but where the Hell do they practice?
10. Is there anything else you’d like the Hub Nation to know about Ron Montgomery? Any advice for newbies?
My [SIMONE CENSORED THIS TO FIGHT SPAM FILTERS] is larger than yours (insert hubber’s name). Newbies, if you want to make money here, there are better people to ask advice from. My Hubs rarely get viewed; I’ve made about 39 cents in 20 months. I enjoy the forums though; don’t enter if you’re thin- skinned, you’ll just encourage me to annoy you.
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