I am writing a short story, but would like to know how to explain laughter or something similar after someone says something. And what I mean by that is -- if someone says something and laughs afterward, where do I input what they did?
Here is an example.
“Where are you going little lady?” The man yells loudly. “I thought we were going to have some fun? You ain’t going to last long out there! Bill will take care of you.”
Where should I input explaining that the man laughed after saying that? Should it be below or right after he says it? Or does it depend?
I just want this to be clarified and hopefully whoever reads this understands
I think first, you need to define the laugh. A hearty laugh? An evil laugh? Then, I would remove the first, "...The man yells..." from where it appears. Is Bill the man in question? It would seem so, from your ending sentence.
I might re-phrase the entire thing thus:
"Where are you going little lady? I thought we were going to have some fun! You ain't going to last long out there; I'll take care of you." Bill laughed evilly. (Or dreadfully, or some other such descriptor, because from this short sample, he doesn't sound like a terribly nice person.)
The reason I put "the man yells loudly" is because in the story the woman ran off trying to escape him. The words I posted are just a small part.
Well the man who is speaking is not yet known in the story (his name is not). When he says "bill" he is NOT referring to himself in 3rd person. He is referring to someone else who is not yet known in the story, but soon will be.
Perhaps I should have said "If I can't get you, bill will take care of you."
I think we can input his laughter two times here. Once when he completes saying "I thought we were going to have some fun" and another time when he completes saying
"Bill will be care of you".
How about "His adjective laughter echoed throughout the alley as he staggered back into the darkness." or "She stumbled away quickly as she tried to get away from his spine-chilling laughter."
A man's voice bellowed from the dark,“Where are you going little lady? I thought we were going to have some fun?" He added with a cruel laugh, "You ain’t going to last long out there! Bill will take care of you.”
I think I'd do it something like this:
“Where are you going little lady?” the man yelled, gripping her arm. “I thought we were going to have some fun.” He pulled her close so she could smell the liquor on his breath. “You ain’t going to last long out there. Bill will take care of you!” He pushed her toward the other man with a raucous laugh.
I've taken out the word 'loudly, because a yell is always loud.
Edit: Just saw your reply to MsLizzy. Maybe this is better:
“Where are you going little lady?” the man yelled, gripping her arm. “I thought we were going to have some fun?” He pulled her close so she could smell the liquor on his breath. “You ain’t going to last long out there. If I don’t get you, Bill will!” He pushed her down with a raucous laugh.
“Where are you going little lady?” the man yelled, lunging behind her. “I thought we were going to have some fun?”
She continued to run.
“You ain’t going to last long out there.” He knew it was no use. She was faster than him. “If I don’t get you, Bill will!” With a raucous laugh, he turned to go back.
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