I have enlarged all pictures and reread every sentence several times. Re configured the titles and now I need your extra eyes, so the editor is not over whelmed with my errors in this piece.
What are your suggestions on this piece for Letterpile. I think it is entertaining, but what am I not seeing? This is my first submission of this Hub.
Hi Sherry, just taking a very quick look....
Needs an introduction. Right up front, tell us what the hub is about and why it needed writing.
Lots of passive sentences. Try Hemingway.
Try to get some 'atmosphere' into the article. I can't explain how, all I know is that it's missing. It's very factual and not enough 'heart'.
Hope that helps a little.
Did you submit it to Letterpile or did an editor contact you?
My concern is that if it's moved to Letterpile, it's going to end up in the Personal Memoir section and never get any readers. Whereas if you can structure it as a travel piece, it would fit better on WanderWisdom and could get a lot more readers.
I feel the first thing you need to do is decide what the article is about. Currently, your title says the Hub is about Route 66, but think of the reader searching for Route 66 on Google and finding your Hub - what will they think? They'll see the photo and read the first paragraph, think, "this isn't about Route 66, it's about some building where this woman used to work!" They're unlikely to get as far as the second paragraph - instead, they'll click back and find a better result.
If the Hub is about Route 66, then I would start the Hub at the section under the map (the Smithsonian Institute quote etc). It would make a perfectly good introduction, exactly as it stands. Take a look on Pixabay for a better opening photo, either of Pasadena or Route 66 (you can use Pixabay photos freely without any credit).
You can include all the information about your personal connection with the area down at the end of the Hub. Alternatively, you can weave your personal connection into the body of the text - just not in the introduction. The introduction needs to convince the reader you're going to give them the information they want.
Some other points":
- Have you been allowed to use dividers in your other Hubs? I thought they were frowned on now.
- Do you understand how to credit images from Wikipedia? Always click on the "more details" button to get to the Wikimedia page, so you can check what's required. If it's public domain, then you don't even need to mention Wikipedia. But very often, it's not public domain and there is a link you need to use to give credit.
Bx, Thanks for the pointers, add heart and intro. I get a little stressed because I do not want the YMYF edge to creap in because editors have sent me that warning for other Hubs. I removed several "I" sentences and personal focuses on some modules.
Marisa, I have not been able to crack the acceptance level in WanderWisdom with four other Hubs. I think my travel writings are too personal, so it seemed a better fit LP. I see how the Hub could be hidden in LP. I am going to remove the dividers, too much of my artsy side, and do some of your rearranging suggestions.
Thanks so much.
WanderWisdom actually encourages personal experience in articles. With this particular piece, the problem is that your personal experience has no relevance to the enjoyment of the place. Knowing you used to work in that building won't enhance the reader's experience of Route 66, and won't help them to have a better vacation.
If you say things like, "I've tried this restaurant and I recommend the fish", or, "we had only half a day to spare to visit this museum, and we were sorry we hadn't allocated two days", then the WanderWisdom editors will love you for it.
Yeah, this is not a travel story, more reminiscing and observation. Is it just boring?
I kind of thought it brought some feeling and insight to the area. Route 66 is not all about traveling and eating, people worked on it!
No, the article isn't boring. The fact that you have experience of the area adds an extra richness. The problem is that you START with your own personal reminiscence, which makes the reader think, "oh dear, this whole article is going to be about some woman I've never heard of".
Oh, Marisa, the whole article is about Pasadena Route 66, in the sixties, nineties and 21st century. Plus more, Cain's take and Kerouac's take. This article is so very very good and very very important. Someone will want to come to CA after reading the whole thing. PS I have changed the intro to focus it on 66.
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