Hi, Sandy, thank you so much for this incredible open letter, wow, that's a first for me!
When I was healing from the decades of terrible pain I, too, used to look for positive things in my life: from art to writing to needlework creations to reading, cruising anywhere just to keep my spiritual spark alive. This is a good habit to keep up because eventually, you will find, is that filling yourself with positive good things, especially good thoughts, will crowd out the negative ones over time.
I chose to speed up the process and work on it from the deepest level, the spiritual. It's tough and sometimes scary working with Spirit but I can say it is definitely worth dealing with all the vivid scenes brought back up to you to review. It's pretty amazing how Spirit will coach you in your dreams, your drifting off daydreams, your memories, all to bring to a conclusion of dissolving the past negative emotions.
It does take a whole lot of effort and time. Figure out some coping skills for yourself as you are in process. What was fun for me one day was when I finally looked up and started grinning: no more bad memories that scorched my soul, not even a few crumbs left to sweep away. There really IS a God and God lives in all of us, wanting us to choose to thrive.
Life is full of tough choices. I found the smartest choice for me was to ally my spirit with Spirit and it's been comfortable sailing ever since. I never was much for submission or yielding as most religions teach but spiritual partnership is something Spirit suggested and, it turned out that it appealed to me greatly. People of high intelligence just can't do mindless following. Besides, Spirit isn't interested in mindless followers but rather those who will reach their full potential through a connectedness nourished by unconditional Love. Keep pushing through the muck until you get what we all deserve: LOVE!
Know that I care deeply for you and understand what you are living this moment. Also, know that you can overcome this mess as you keep putting one foot in front of the other and literally walk your way out of it all step by step - one at a time they do add up. Sometimes, it can get so bad trying to process that negative energy that you have to focus upon the smallest increments of time to make it to the next hour. That's where favorite creative things to do come in. They will help distract you and lift you up when you are processing.
You are actually in a better state than you think. Feeling this negative means you are becoming more and more aware of yourself on the spiritual level. Right now the negativity stinks. First is awareness, then comes the desire to start house cleaning. You are entering that second stage. As you start forcing out the muck, you will find the negative periods become shorter and shorter in duration and you will get more relief.
I'm still praying good things for you, Sandy, know there are many who pray for us all. Who cares what religion or belief? I've had Buddhists, Taoists, Hindu, Christian, Jewish, pagan, Wiccan and many others pray goodwill for me over the years and I welcome their love. It was their love that helped me heal.
Carefully, open yourself up to receive real Love just on a spiritual level from others in the Spirit. You don't have to trust specific people or situations - just the Spirit - and all will turn out well over time. Recognize that you are loved by those who choose Love and choose to be connected to All and Spirit. Recognize I'm your biggest cheerleader and that I have faith in you to win this battle! Now, go kick some "muck butt" and reclaim your life. No one gets to own your life but darling you!
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