I'd like feedback on my poem: Windy Night

1. 0

   Mentocioposted 4 years ago

   Hi Hubbers,
   
   I'd like some help with passing the Quality Assessment Process. Will you please give feedback on my poem? What can I do to improve? Thanks!
   Here is my poem: Windy Night (must be signed in to view)

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2. 60

   Shesabutterflyposted 4 years ago

   Having all the stanza similar length looks more appealing and is easier to read. I would get rid of some of the em dashes especially the ones at the end of the lines, and the tilde (~). For example this last em dash is not needed ("with long spears
   held in their arms—")The longer lines read more like run-on sentences vs lines of poetry.
   
   Consider breaking up the first two large stanzas into two smaller ones. I would say there is a natural break here "Often it tried to snap from the bed and fly out to the stars;" and I would start the new stanza with "Once in a while, I felt—in the state of being half~asleep—".

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   1. 0

      Mentocioposted 4 years agoin reply to this

      Looks like you have really read the poem. Thank you for your response.
      
      I do not like editing poetry after I've written them. I shall leave the poem (ie. "Windy Night") as it is, and shall try to write and frame better poems. Meanwhile, I sincerely appreciate your response.
      
      Cheers!

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      1. 82

         Titiaposted 4 years agoin reply to this

         If you don't want to change anything, then why do you ask our help to improve your writing. That doesn't make sense.
         Shesabutterfly is right. Your sentences are too long and stuffed with too many synonyms. It makes the poem very difficult to read. Even in free verse you need to comply to the English grammar rules.

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            Shesabutterflyposted 4 years agoin reply to this

            I don't understand why he posts help either. Every time he posts help it passes QAP, so whatever he does before resubmitting always gets them accepted the second time. I don't see any changes, but I see it's on Discover now so it has passed QAP.

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         2. 0

            Mentocioposted 4 years agoin reply to this

            I want feedback. As I said, I do not like touching a poetic work that has been completed. I want feedback so that I may pass the Quality Assessment Process and write better literature.

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