Going cross eyed with this article, can someone offer some advice?

1. 95

   Paddygsoundposted 3 years ago

   YouMeMindBody has suggested that I give this article a once over, but I think my brain just can't see the wood through the trees anymore. If anyone has a moment, can you please give it a glance? I would really appreciate it.
   https://discover.hubpages.com/health/Po … e-Syndrome
   Thanks in advance.

   replyreport
   1. 65

      OldRosesposted 3 years agoin reply to this

      I took a quick glance.  You have a typo in the first sentence.  Peep should be pep.  In the same paragraph you mention the cousin of adrenal fatigue but don't say what it is. 
      
      In the second paragraph, the phrase "shadow of overwhelming evidence" does not exist in the English language.
      
      That same sentence is a run-on sentence.  It should be split in two.  The phrase "to catch on this one shall we" should be "to catch on to this one."  Delete "shall we."
      
      That's as far as I got.  This article needs serious work.
      
      Your profile says that you are a cruiser and a foodie.  How does that make an expert on medical issues?  You need to re-write your profile to make it more general so that you can write about a range of topics,

      replyreport
      1. 95

         Paddygsoundposted 3 years agoin reply to this

         OldRoses, you are a star! I really appreciate it.
         Cruiser outside of work, but I thought I would try to write something more aligned with my day job, which is probably why it is doing me a mischief, because it feels too much like work, unlike cruise articles.

         replyreport
   2. 92

      Kenna McHughposted 3 years agoin reply to this

      There are some valid suggestions for you to improve your article. I also suggest you walk away from it for a day. Come back with fresh eyes.

      replyreport
      1. 95

         Paddygsoundposted 3 years agoin reply to this

         You are quite right. I do need some distance from this one.

         replyreport
2. 88

   Jodahposted 3 years ago

   My wife suffers from Chronic Fatigue Syndrome and has Sleep apnea. I thought the article very informative, but long. As well as the typo “peep”instead of “pep” already mentioned by OldRoses, i found one later on: “ Now think about a time when you were under prolonged stress, and you were meet by sickness.” It should be “met” not “meet.”

   replyreport
   1. 95

      Paddygsoundposted 3 years agoin reply to this

      Thanks buddy.

      replyreport
3. 96

   PaulGoodman67posted 3 years ago

   I agree with Old Roses, there are a lot of mistakes and it doesn't read well. It has to sound authoritative if you're writing about medical issues.
   
   While the overall structure works okay, using a numbered list, some of the sentences are not well constructed and need work.
   
   Here's an example of sentence that is too long and unwieldy:
   
   "So tired and worn out that we feel like we will never get our strength back, but the unfortunate thing with adrenal fatigue syndrome, you can end up feeling like your battery is flat and your brain doesn’t want to work before you have even had a chance to do anything."
   
   Like Old Roses says, this article needs a lot of editing work. It's very loose and there are a number of errors.

   replyreport
   1. 95

      Paddygsoundposted 3 years agoin reply to this

      Writing about things in my day job, probably wasn't the best idea, especially when it already takes up so much of my time. I really appreciate your feedback though and will do my best to fix it up.

      replyreport
4. 92

   AliciaCposted 3 years ago

   People have raised good points about the grammatical errors. The one near the start of the first sentence ("Are you constantly feel tired") is not encouraging for readers.
   
   I think that you need to include references for the health or biology facts in your article that aren't controversial. You also need to include some type of warning that is stronger than your statements about the diagnosis of adrenal fatigue not being medically accepted. The disclaimer at the bottom of the article is good, but I think you should include advice about visiting a doctor within the article.
   
   The Mayo Clinic article about the disorder ends by saying that assuming that problems are caused by adrenal fatigue (which they say is not an official disorder) may ignore the real cause of the problems, which could be treated by a doctor. I think you need to take this idea into account in your article.
   
   It would be good to include more specific information about your health qualifications in your bio.

   replyreport
   1. 95

      Paddygsoundposted 3 years agoin reply to this

      Thanks, you make some good points. I will incorporate some more information into my profile about my background. I also take on your other suggestion and update when I get a moment. Thank you.

      replyreport