Anyone up for reviewing a poem

1. 65

   funneboneposted 15 years ago

   I am in a weird zone this week. I am writing about things other than strippers and underwear. Is there anyone that wouldnt mind reading a poem and giving some feedback?

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   1. 88

      stephhicks68posted 15 years agoin reply to this

      Well, I am in a hotel room with four kids, but if I can get a few free minutes, then I'm happy to try - shoot!

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2. 65

   funneboneposted 15 years ago

   thanks....this is the beginning of my new found introduction to faith....i haven't written like thi sin a long time so I am a little rusty and generally crazy. Thanks
   
   The rolling of the sea has become my lullaby
   rocking me to near sleep
   then cruelly jolting me awake
   never affording my peace
   while withholding rest
   
   My arms hang from fatigue
   paddling to no where
   my legs dangle
   from kicking to get away
   for all of the energy spent
   I am here yet still there
   
   My skin no longer burns
   for it has toughened
   and deadened
   feeling neither the heat nor frost
   although it begs to do so
   
   My chin propped up as my stern
   arms outstretched and hands clutching
   the craft woven from that which remain buoyant
   and fastened with what is at hand
   afloat I stay, regardless of drag
   
   The end of the sea never comes
   as the horizon keeps its pace ahead
   I wish away the sun
   only to cry for its return
   to illuminate that which has no form
   
   Adrift I stay
   Through dawn and dust
   With no direction
   but adrift and afloat

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3. 58

   Shirley Andersonposted 15 years ago

   I don't feel qualified enough to critique poetry, so I won't, but I will say that you certainly got across a feeling of utter hopelessness.  Very sad.  Well done.

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4. 65

   funneboneposted 15 years ago

   Well than you, I am glad that for once I can cause someone to feel grief and sympathy without it involving my taking my clothes off or singing.

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   1. 58

      Shirley Andersonposted 15 years agoin reply to this

      LOL...HILARIOUS!   
      
      No wonder you go by Funnebone.

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5. 65

   funneboneposted 15 years ago

   I am thinking I need to start a different hub name. I don't know that my poetry will be taken as serious as I would like if I have it listed next to Pole dancing and hannah montana underwear posts.

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6. 58

   Shirley Andersonposted 15 years ago

   you'll have to come up with a pseudonym for your poetry.
   
   not that there's anything wrong with mixing sonnets and pole dancing.

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7. 80

   Sally's Troveposted 15 years ago

   funnebone, you are who you are.  Pole dancing and male underwear models, but now something different, something that is driven by questions of faith.  I have things I keep inside, too, as you.
   
   You put yourself out to a good community here.  Let it roll for a while before you change your ID and profile.
   
   I see that you are adrift, the ship sailing into an unknown horizon, perhaps for eternity.  Your words are very clear, and the pictures they paint are vivid.  In this respect, your poem meets its mark because it captures a moment of your time, a fragment of your mind, and brings the reader with you.
   
   Work with it, and try this…cut out unnecessary words.  Slice and dice mercilessly.  Try putting your tale into the present tense.  Because the present is where you are.
   
   Keep going.

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8. 80

   Sally's Troveposted 15 years ago

   Shirley, I thought you were headed for vacation this evening.  Are you an addicted hubber, too?
   
   Have a great one, once you finally say "ta-ta for now" to HP!

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9. 58

   Shirley Andersonposted 15 years ago

   Sorry Sally, I was only kidding about Funnebone using a pseudonym.

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10. 58

    Shirley Andersonposted 15 years ago

    I'll be slipping in here probably until tomorrow afternoon.  After that, I'll be on at the airport, if they have wireless available.
    
    I got packed and ready to go today, and I should've been in bed an hour ago, but I have trouble signing off...this place is addictive.

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11. 65

    funneboneposted 15 years ago

    Thanks Sally....I dont know about the timing of the poem, i have gone through a crazy 4 weeks so i think that part is behind me. I am not sure if hub is the best place to post it since it will be an ongoing journey.

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12. 69

    Bonnie Ramseyposted 15 years ago

    Funnebone, this is an awsome poem! Very well written and expressed. Easy to imagine.
    You shouldn't change your name! After all, we all write on a variety of subjects and your poetry is part of who you are, not your name! Great work!
    
    Bonnie

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13. 65

    funneboneposted 15 years ago

    Thank you Bonnie. I squeezed out a little more last night. I may post it later today if I can find some affiliate links that would be appropriate. Drifting at sea trying to paddle away from hell doesnt appeal to the same type of market as cell phones!
    
    The rolling of the sea has become my lullaby
    rocking me to near sleep
    then cruelly jolting me awake
    never affording my peace
    while withholding rest
    
    My arms hang from fatigue
    paddling to no where
    my legs dangle
    from kicking to get away
    for all of the energy spent
    I am here yet still there
    
    My skin no longer burns
    for it has toughened
    and deadened
    feeling neither the heat nor frost
    although it begs to do so
    
    My chin propped up as my stern
    arms outstretched and hands clutching
    the craft woven from that which remain buoyant
    and fastened with what is at hand
    afloat I stay, regardless of drag
    
    The end of the sea never comes
    as the horizon keeps its pace ahead
    I wish away the sun
    only to cry for its return
    to illuminate that which has no form
    
    Adrift I stay
    Through dawn and dust
    With no direction
    but adrift and afloat
    
    
    
    
    The dawn breaks again
    I am far past arising for the occasion
    with eyes closed and breathing shallow
    I feel my hair whip upon my back
    like a century alerting me of an intruder
    
    Wind I feel, a welcome stranger
    cooling my skin, or so I would hope
    The water splashes my dry feet
    the bird ahead sing in excitement
    my eyes open to a different scene
    
    
    Ahead on the horizon
    a glimmer I see
    unlike that of these endless days
    a vessel,  a mound or a mirage
    it matters little
    
    
    My jaw rises as my eyes adjust
    blurry it is, just as it is clear
    it is new, it is different, it is ahead
    my clutch lessens as I release my boards
    I feel the heat again as I am soothed by the wind
    
    
    The wind blows strong
    from my back at first
    My legs kick once again
    My hands scoop the water towards
    In motion again
    No longer adrift
    
    
    As my feet strike the water
    I can hear the glass break
    As my hands strike the waves
    I feel again
    Propelled
    
    
    I once again hear my neighbors
    laughing and crying
    adrift but afloat
    mocking me
    crowding me in isolation
    
    Do they not see
    Can they not look ahead
    surely they have looked behind
    or perhaps are facing the sea since covered
    To my knees I rise
    
    
    My speed is slow
    and the image remains unclear
    glistening before me
    teasing me with promise
    of either hope or disappointment
    
    
    My back straightens
    muscles rip and blood begins to flow
    The heat burns me
    the salt ensures all scars are fresh
    Pain throbs through my chest
    
    
    Back to a ball
    with eyes closed
    limp. adrift I could be
    I can not have it,
    There is something ahead
    
    
    Sitting upon my heels
    Skin taught across my back
    The wind strikes me hard
    pushing me forward
    but not causing me to fall
    
    My craft leaches ahead
    driven by the wind at my bow
    and another gust comes
    in motion I am
    on course for once
    
    
    My arms stretch out
    my sail stiffens
    the air pushes me in a direction
    with a destination undetermined
    welcome nonetheless
    
    The rear gale rests often
    my craft slows
    I fight the urge to kick again
    A breeze to my port turns me
    an another leeward threatens my path
    
    My torso stiffens and twists
    against and to the gales
    calling for the stream to strike be from behind
    Bring me forward and to
    do not turn me, no, not around
    
    
    The effort increases, as does my will
    as do my questions
    What if this is a dream
    What should happen if I find on the horizon
    ends a rainbow unable to be grasped
    
    I have no choice
    my legs are too tired
    my throat is too dry
    What should happen if I find on the horizon
    land that I drifted right by

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14. 69

    Bonnie Ramseyposted 15 years ago

    Brilliant! I love this! I can easily imagine being there, feeling those feelings. That is what poetry is about! Great job!
    
    Bonnie

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15. 58

    Shirley Andersonposted 15 years ago

    Funnebone, you are going to submit this somewhere, aren't you?

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16. 65

    funneboneposted 15 years ago

    I just posted it to my hub, just to get it out of my head. I may just print it , sign it and mail it to you 3 who responed, with a picture of me in my male underwear pose...
    Today I am having one of those de$pair days so I will have to focus my attention on money, while still asking God to help me. Do any of you know where a better place would be to post it?
    Thank you so much for your help and time.

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17. 58

    Shirley Andersonposted 15 years ago

    There are many places you can sell your poetry to.  You can find some hubs on that, one of them is even mine.  Bonnie is the best one to respond to this, I think - she knows a lot more about poetry submissions than I do.  She left a long comment in my hub, ``Places to Sell Your Poetry``, which might be helpful.
    
    Looking forward to that pic you`re sending!  Are they Hannah Montana underpants
    
    (something funky is going on with my keyboard, when I try to type a question mark, it comes out as a foreign character, so please imagine a question mark after the word underpants - thx.)

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18. 69

    Bonnie Ramseyposted 15 years ago

    LOL, Shirley! Is your keyboard posessed?
    
    Funnebone, the hub Shirley referred to is an excellent hub and the comment I left she spoke about is what she refers to as a "sub" hub LOL. It is rather long but lists some places you may be able to get your foot in the poetry door, so to speak. LOL. I truly wish you the best. You have a remarkable talent!
    
    Bonnie

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19. 65

    funneboneposted 15 years ago

    Bonnie, are you saying I should try to publish this....does this mean my days of panhandling and selling dirty socks on ebay might be at their end soon?

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20. 69

    Bonnie Ramseyposted 15 years ago

    LOL Funnebone! I wouldn't throw out the dirty socks just yet. Not that your poetry isn't good. Poetry just doesn't pay well until you are dead and famous LOL. Get your work famous, then when you die, your heirs can through out the dirty socks! LMBO!
    
    Bonnie

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21. 65

    funneboneposted 15 years ago

    That doesn't really work for me....any money made after I am dead would just towards what I owe now and I'll be dead so who cares. So you are telling me that I should stick to writing about strippers and make 50$ a month on HUB?

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22. 69

    Bonnie Ramseyposted 15 years ago

    LOL! I guess you could combine the two so that you could earn during both life and death! Hey, if there is a such a thing as reincarnation, maybe you can come back as a crime writer! Seems like that is the craze nowadays!
    If it exists, I want to come back as a pet. No work, no bills, no worries! LOL
    
    Bonnie

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