OK, I'm not looking for any replies on this one, it's from an email a friend sent me, but it's so very funny, I just could not resist sharing it with my fellow hubbers..
Banned from Sainsbury's
Yesterday I was at my local Sainsbury's buying a large bag of Purina dog food for my loyal pet and was in the checkout queue when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.
What did she think I had an elephant?
So, since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again.
I added that I probably shouldn’t, because I ended up in hospital last time, but that I'd lost 2 stones before I woke up in intensive care with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry.
The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again.
(I have to mention here that practically everyone in queue was now enthralled with my story.)
Horrified, she asked me if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me.
I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter's arse and a car hit us both.
I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.
I'm now banned from Sainsbury's.
Better watch what you ask retired people.
They have all the time in the world to think of daft things to say.
I like it - I might try it next time I'm in Sainsburys (the story, not the diet)!
OMG thats funny! They banned you for it?!?!
You should get a medal!
This is VERY funny augasilver. You tell a great story!!!
that's a good one - the purina diet..will have to remember that! thanks for the chuckle this a.m.
thats too funny and older people always tell the best stories!
That made me laugh..... even with a hangover, now my head hurts worse... lol
Excellent story! Thanks for the laugh of the day!!
can't stop laughing
Here is a good one to tell in a quiet corner of a party with a bunch of gullible friends ... but beware I have been slapped several times and reduced many people to uncontrollable tears, this can be quite cruel if done well... hehehehehe..
I will give instructions for this joke in brief or I will be on here doing this all night...
Get the conversation into the realms of the supernatural, reincarnation and fortune telling.... Then...
Start to tell the story of how a few years back you were on holiday and your partner convinced you to see the fortune teller there near the beach..
You went in and sat down, with a silly smirk on your face, cracked a few silly jokes then decided to be serious and listen to what the old woman had to say..
She asked if you believed in reincarnation, which of course you replied that you didn't. So she proceeded to tell of your past life as a faithful hound to a young man in dorset in the Uk, how you used to play and run on the beach every day and had a lovely life, however your master died in an accident and you were taken to his brothers house where you were locked in a small shed for days at a time without food or water, left with your own mess.. this went on for months, growing weaker and weaker, your new owner only letting you out once a week or so, until one final day you tried to make a run for it seeing the gate open.. however in your weakened state the man managed to shut the gate and began to beat you with a shovel until you passed on....
Of course you laughed at the fortune teller and said what rubbish, but then she said feel on the back of your head, you will be able to feel the marks where you were beaten to death with the shovel, and sure enough if you feel here...
at this point lean forward to whoever is listening the most intently, when they reach out to touch the back of your head, jump up and bark madly at them... they will freak!!!!!
Beware of doing this around lots of full glasses, small children, pregnant women, etc.. when told well, this can be cruel though so beware..!!!
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