Why Drinking Beer Makes You Smarter.

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  1. Eric Graudins profile image60
    Eric Graudinsposted 9 years ago

    Well you see,it's like this...

    A herd of animals  can only move as fast as the slowest one. 
    And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first.

    This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members.

    In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells.

    Now, as we know, excessive intake of alcohol kills brain cells.
    But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first.

    Regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine.

    And that is why you always feel smarter after a few beers.

    (And explains why Shadesbreath can write such good hubs!)

    And closely allied with this theory are the:
    Five Stages of Drunkenness

    With Christmas upon us, I’d like to wish everyone all the best for the holiday season, and the New Year.
    I’d like to leave you with some advice that may be useful over the holiday period.

    (Sorry - don’t know the author)
    The five stages of drunkenness

    Stage 1 - Smart
    This is when you suddenly become an expert on every subject. You know all and greatly wish to express this knowledge to anyone who will listen. At this stage you are also always right. And of course the person you are talking with is very wrong. You will talk for hours trying to convince someone that you are right. This makes for an interesting argument when both parties are “smart”. Two people talking, in fact, arguing about a subject neither one really knows anything about, but are convinced that they are the complete authority on the subject makes for great entertainment for those get the opportunity to listen in.
    (A bit like the religious discussions on Hub pages, really! )

    Stage 2 - Handsome/Pretty
    This is when you are convinced that you are the best looking person in the entire room and everyone is looking at you. You begin to wink at perfect strangers and ask them to dance because of course they had been admiring you the whole evening. You are the center of attention, and all eyes are directed at you because you are the most beautiful thing on the face of the earth. Now keep in mind that you are still smart, so you can talk to this person who has been admiring you about any and all subjects under the sun.

    Stage 3 - Rich
    This is when you suddenly become the richest person in the world. You can buy drinks for the entire bar and put it on your bill because you surely have an armored truck full of your money parked behind the bar. You can also make bets in this stage. Now of course you still know all, so you will always win all your bets. And you have no concern for how much money you bet because you have all the money in the world. You will also begin to buy drinks for all the people in the bar who are admiring you because you are now the smartest, prettiest, and richest person on the face of the earth.

    Stage 4 - Bulletproof
    You can now pick fights with the people you have been betting money with because you cannot be hurt by anything. At this point you would go up to the boyfriend of the woman who had been admiring your beautiful self all evening and challenge him to a battle of wits for money. You have no worry about losing this battle of wits because you know all, have all the money to cover this bet, and you obviously win a fight that might erupt if he loses.

    Stage 5 - Invisible
    This is the final stage of drunkenness. At this point you can do absolutely anything because no one can see you. You can get up and dance on a table, to impress the people who have been admiring you all evening, because the rest of the people in the room cannot see you. You are also invisible to the person whom you have picked a fight with earlier in the evening. You can walk through the streets singing at the top of your lungs (because of course you are still smart and know the tune perfectly) and no one will think anything of it because they can’t see you. All your social inhibitions are gone. You can do anything, because no one will know. And you certainly won’t remember.

    Note: I didn't write these - Don't know who did. But they're damn good.

    1. Benson Yeung profile image71
      Benson Yeungposted 9 years agoin reply to this

      Do hang out at the hubber's hangout. That's where Eric hands out the hand-outs. Here's an important one, from Australia's own Thomas Edison :
      Genius is one percent distillation, and 99 percent fermentation.

  2. dineane profile image82
    dineaneposted 9 years ago

    Thank you for this explanation. I feel Natural(ly) Light(er) in my intelligence :-)

  3. Em Writes profile image69
    Em Writesposted 9 years ago

    Brilliant theory, Eric! If not for the fact that I have to work tomorrow (well, and the fact that the fridge is devoid of beer at the moment), I would begin testing this right away. I have the feeling that the positive results of which you speak are exclusive to beer consumption, as opposed to say, wine consumption. I've quaffed a fair amount of vino, but have failed to notice myself gaining in intelligence. Unless, of course, the intelligence is postponed until the following day and comes along with the side effects of a splitting headache and a strong desire to hurt those who dare speak above a whisper.

    Yes, I'll definitely have to pick up some Harp on my way home from work tomorrow. And Cheetos.

  4. Shirley Anderson profile image68
    Shirley Andersonposted 9 years ago

    Kudos, Eric.  A brilliant, scientific explanation of the effects of hops and barley on intelligence.  I always knew that beer just had to be good for you!

  5. DrJim profile image59
    DrJimposted 9 years ago

    I'm living proof of the brain cell natural selection theory...It's worked for me and I'm an old guy

    1. Shirley Anderson profile image68
      Shirley Andersonposted 9 years agoin reply to this

      Great!  I'm going to start on my regime tomorrow!  This is THE BEST self-help method that I've ever heard of.

  6. DrJim profile image59
    DrJimposted 9 years ago

    Shirley,

    Yes, get on the barley pop diet as soon as possible.  First, eliminate all soda pop.  It has too much sugar or nutra sweet.  These substances don't kill the weak brain cells.  They only make them weirder  Barley pop contains mostly purified water, whole grains and natural sugars and can actually be considered a health food.  Remember, all physicians will tell you to drink at least 8 glasses of water a day.  Good luck  Never forget there are more old drunks than there are old doctors.  Maybe they should have taken their own advice.

    1. Shirley Anderson profile image68
      Shirley Andersonposted 9 years agoin reply to this

      LOL, I hadn't even noticed the percentage of old doctors to old drunks.  Gee, a demonstration of the positive effects of drinking beer - you thought of that, right away!

      No worries about the pop, I don't drink it - too sweet, it makes me thirsty.  This is great, I must be a perfect candidate for beer therapy.  Man, oh man, I can hardly wait!  I'm going to be the smartest woman in Canada!  Oh!  I also eat SmartFood popcorn, so I just may teeter on the edge of genius. 

      What an exciting day!

  7. Peter Hoggan profile image69
    Peter Hogganposted 9 years ago

    Fantastic! I am off to get royally lubed cull a few thousand slow brain cells.

  8. Eric Graudins profile image60
    Eric Graudinsposted 9 years ago

    GO SHIRLEY:

    I've just added another section to the first post called the five stages of drunkenness.
    It's a must read. :-)

  9. AEvans profile image78
    AEvansposted 9 years ago

    mmmm... maybe I should start drinking beer as I personally prefer a good glass of wine. smile

  10. Shirley Anderson profile image68
    Shirley Andersonposted 9 years ago

    Hmmm, Eric I'm wondering how long it will take me to go from Stage 1 to Stage 5.  Is there a preset record to break?

    AEvans, I too LOVE a good bottle - oops, I mean glass - of dry red wine, preferrably from Australia.

  11. DrJim profile image59
    DrJimposted 9 years ago

    love that yellow tail....always remember your servings of fruit

  12. DrJim profile image59
    DrJimposted 9 years ago

    I love Canadians...You guys are this really nice loft apartment above our really crazy bar

  13. Eric Graudins profile image60
    Eric Graudinsposted 9 years ago

    @Shirley.
    I'm having a nice glass of Tasmanian wine.
    I can't afford to lose any more brain cells lol

    1. Shirley Anderson profile image68
      Shirley Andersonposted 9 years agoin reply to this

      I've never had Tasmanian....well, anything.  How is it?

      Are you saying that you need to hang onto the slow cells?

      1. B.T. Evilpants profile image61
        B.T. Evilpantsposted 9 years agoin reply to this

        It sounds like he's saying that slow cells are all he has left!

        1. Shirley Anderson profile image68
          Shirley Andersonposted 9 years agoin reply to this

          Yeah, it does, doesn't it.

  14. Shirley Anderson profile image68
    Shirley Andersonposted 9 years ago

    Dr. Jim, the Yellowtail is one excellent choice, true.  I also like Wolf Blass and the Hardy blends....a nice 2003 (or was it '04?) Jamison.  Really, as long as it's dry, red and oakey, I love it.

    I've never heard of Canada being referred to as a loft apartment before.  That's hilarious.  Guess it makes sense, geographically speaking.  A doctor with a sense of humour - go figure.  Hey, wait a minute!  Did you come that perfectly logical yet witty analogy due to a successful beer therapy?

  15. DrJim profile image59
    DrJimposted 9 years ago

    Shirley

    That Canadian remark somehow sounded good last night but.....I was thinning out weak brain cells....so it goes.I'm trying to write a Hub tonight if I can think of something not to foolish to say.After writing my 12 days of Christmas I think I have to redeem myself

  16. DrJim profile image59
    DrJimposted 9 years ago

    Shirley

    That Canadian remark somehow sounded good last night but.....I was thinning out weak brain cells....so it goes.I'm trying to write a Hub tonight if I can think of something not to foolish to say.After writing my 12 days of Christmas I think I have to redeem myself

  17. DrJim profile image59
    DrJimposted 9 years ago

    What happened there my message got posted twice????......It wasn't one of those things that needed repeating.

  18. Shirley Anderson profile image68
    Shirley Andersonposted 9 years ago

    I was going to say that you must have felt it important if posted it twice.

    Well, I'm glad the cell thinning worked.

    Benson made a good remark on the previous page re genius.

    Um, good luck with your hub.  I can't wait to read it since it's being written post beer therapy.  It'll be really cool to see the experiment in action.

  19. luvintkandtj profile image68
    luvintkandtjposted 9 years ago

    That was the best explanation! I love  the five stages. I have to say its so true I am an avid beer drinker.

  20. compu-smart profile image62
    compu-smartposted 9 years ago

    I like it! and  I wont argue with you with that explantion!
    cheers!wink

  21. beermugworld profile image58
    beermugworldposted 9 years ago

    The five stages gave me a much needed laugh today! Can't wait for the weekend!

 
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