Blondepoets Mad Mesmerising Memoirs

Scandals ! Bloopers ! Sensations ! Catastrophe's !

Indeed, there are many. Well in my life there has been. By public demand I have been asked to share some of these stories with you. I can vouch, yes, they are all actual events, and not mere fictional tales to tantalise your taste-buds. As bizarre as some may appear, they did indeed happen to me. For those who already think me mad, be prepared to declare me 'psycho' well and truly before the conclusion of this article. I actually don't mind being labelled 'eccentric', it shows that I am different. I bluntly refuse to become a Mrs Jones, Mrs Brown, spending my days cooking, cleaning, gardening, cooking, cleaning, gardening, cooking, cleaning, gardening.There is nothing wrong with performing those tasks, but that is not all I want to do. I don't seek material items either. My life may be a tar odd, prone to disaster or two, a total mad-cap, but at least it defies the laws of monotony.

'Those who know my past, will know that my life is a celebration indeed.'

Why does it always have to happen to me?

I was only two months into my Hair-dressing Apprenticeship when my boss demanded that it was time I performed an eye-brow wax on a client. Instantly my legs began to tremble at the thought, I mean I had never actually performed one before, and I had hardly practised at all.

My upper-class well dressed client was becoming impatient so I began to apply the hot wax to her brows. My hands were violently shaking by now....I ripped the sturdy cloth in one direction, my legs giving way beneath me.

'OH ALAS AND ALACK I HAVE TAKEN OFF THE WHOLE EYEBROW'

What does one do in a situation such as this. As I threw the furry evidence clean in the bin beside me I thought of three options.

1.Charge her half price for one missing brow.

2.Pencil one in real quick

3. Run.

I chose number two, and forfeited showing her in the mirror.

Speak up I can't 'ear ya

One night while cutting a friend's hair in my own place, I found myself growing agitated as he would not sit still. I did not know him that well actually, but I knew him well enough to know what a pain in the ass he was. Ringing me night and day, trying to persuade me to go out with him.

I told him quite plainly that I was now trimming around his ears could he please sit still. Just as I went to take a big snip, he swung around , and plop......went his ear-lobe on the floor. The funny thing is that he just went on talking, he had not felt a thing. Indeed I was in turmoil on this one. Just before passing out, I told him of my minor mishap, and in panic he grabbed the lobe and ran. I heard that the hospital managed to reconnect it, so that made me feel better. I never saw him again though, I guess that's one way of shaking off a man.

Believe me this was a one off incident, I don't make a habit of lopping of body parts. If he hadn't of moved, no-one of it would have happened.

'Oh God no-one will trust me with a hair-cut now '

My first haircut was also a disaster.

The poor girl only asked for the split ends tidied up. Somehow one side just kept looking longer than the other so I kept trimming it and trimming it. Oh look, I really don't know what went wrong, but the final product was not a pretty sight. The left side sat just above the shoulder blade, ascending down like a ski slope to the right side, approx 16inches longer.Most surprising this girl never returned to complain, perhaps she enjoyed my own unique asymmetrical hair-cut.

'Blindness may also be another possibility'

I can't believe I reported MM's and CW's Hubs has having no sound. LMAO I discovered 10min later my sound was on mute'.

BROKEN HEADSETS: I have broken three headsets in eight weeks. The first pair were demolished beyond recognition. I was in such a hurry to get up from my PC one day that I forgot they were on my head, and as I tore myself away, so did all the wiring on my new headsets. Desperate to keep using them I sticky taped all the wiring together, but I still had the problem of the head-piece dangling in my cleavage. Two weeks later, equipped with a brand new pair, I accidentally sat on the wee things. The third set I am still using, however, they are a little out of shape, nothing a bit of a twist and bend can't fix.

'I pray on a daily basis for their welfare'

LOSING ITEMS :I am always losing items. Continually. I lose my sunglasses often only to discover they are still on my head. The most losable item I lose are keys. I am tired of being locked out from my home. One doomed afternoon upon arriving home I realised yet again, I had left the keys inside. However, I noticed a window was ajar on the second level, lo and behold it was my lucky day. It was then I spotted the huge extend-able ladder beckoning me to fetch it from beneath the house. I dragged it out and somehow propped it up to rest on the ledge of the open window. Nervously I began to climb. I only had two steps to go, when suddenly It collapsed beneath me. Down, down, down I travelled. Aghhhhhhhhhhh!!

'Believe it or not I lived through the experience, my worst injury... a fractured ankle'

CARTWHEELING OVER A FENCE : A few years ago I was staying with a friend close to the city, desperately trying to avoid a certain someone. One particular day I heard the sound of a familiar car, so in my panic I scooted over the six foot back fence. Not acustomed to climbing fences I actually lost my footing as I went over and I landed in the Oasis Beauty Salon next door. The women there were adamant I lay still, while they called an ambulance, much to all my protests.

In http://hubpages.com/hub/AEvans-And-Blondepoets-World-Adventures you will recall reading that I accidentally set fire to our Glasgow cabin. This indeed was based on a real life event.

PLAYING WITH MATCHES : I was grilling chunky hamburger patties and accidentally left the grill on, while I went out about my business. After seeing black smoke wafting through the front door, I screamed for my neighbour to help me. At first he did not believe me. He was so used to hearing me rehearsing lines for my upcoming plays, he swore I was only acting. Thank goodness he finally knew I was telling the truth, as I was just in the process of putting an oil fire out with a hose.

"Noooooooooooo", he hollered "Don't put water on oil"

Always choose the appropriate place to sleep

About three years ago I moved into a brand new, two story, brick townhouse. I had been out that night arriving home at approx 5.00am in the morning. Heading upstairs I decided to take a shower to try and wake myself up for work. It was far too tiring standing, so I decided to lay down on the shower floor, far too drained to even hold a bar of soap. Within seconds I was asleep. Little did I know my buttocks were covering the plug hole and water was beginning to flood the bathroom floor.

'WAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH'

I was abruptly awoken by the sound of wailing fire alarms and smashing glass. The water had flooded out through the bathroom door onto the hallway. Water had seeped though the floor, and many chandeliers on the ground floor exploded as a consequence.

'I learnt an extremely valuable lesson from this experience. Never ever fall asleep in the bathroom, your buttocks sure do cost you a small fortune in light fixture repairs and carpet cleaners'

A breakaway from the stereo-type

A few years back I was given the wonderful opportunity to direct and produce Roma's Mayor's Command Performance. I used this chance to write a segment for myself and a fellow actor, in the hope to break away from the stereotype of constantly playing the 'Blonde Bimbo'. I invented a bungling hideous character whom I named Anna Papadopillus, the perfect woman for me to portray.
To become this domineering new Australian woman I donned a short auburn wig, blackened my front teeth, padded my clothes with heaps of cushioning and found myself a hideous floral frock.To get into character, I door-knocked my local neighbourhood, posing as a Jehovah Witness, in the hope to fool my friends.The staggering amount of doors that closed in my face proved to me my success.

'They say our act was the most hilarious and creative segment of the evening. Indeed I proved that I was more than a Blonde. I even made the front page of the 'Western Star Newspaper', with a dazzling picture of Anna, which I hope to add to this page in the very near future.'

Always follow the recipe

I remember at the age of thirteen I was adamant I was going to bake my father a Marble Cake, to prove my creative skills I had accumulated in the kitchen.The recipe called for half cup of plain flour, which I soon realised I did not have in stock. Instead I substituted Bi-Carbonate Soda (also known as Baking Soda)...............................

Oh dear Lord it didn't turn out like a cake at all, in fact I had to serve it to my father in a soup bowl with a spoon.

'My Father was too polite to tell me how horrendous it was. I watched his face turn green as he took a few sips'

Dress Ups whilst tiddly.

For someone who does not drink a lot, I did on this particular night. I had consumed an entire bottle of Passion Pop wine with a straw, depressed from a recent breakup.

A good friend of mine, an avid fire-fighter, who had just finished fighting a large bushfire happened to be over. He had to pop back briefly to the fire scene, so he suggested I don a fire-fighter uniform and come for a drive in an attempt to cheer me up. With my party clothes and stilettos beneath, I donned the uniform and slumped in the fire-truck. Upon arriving on the scene, I grew tired of waiting for his return, so I stumbled out the vehicle, unable to even walk a straight line. Some of the crowd who had gathered to view the bush fires suddenly noticed me and began to head in my direction. Before I knew it I had at least 30 people before me, asking me questions relating to the fires. Ooooo an audience......open the curtains...spotlights please....

This is wonderful I thought as I addressed the waiting crowds hungry for my professional words ."Yes", I muttered, "the fire is covering a radius of approx 19kms......blah blah"

Wrapping up this madness:

I rang the law enforcement in the wee hours one morning to remove a stalking plumber calling to me from the bushes outside. If this man did as much plumbing as he did stalking, he might be a lot better at adjusting his nuts.

Upon arriving in my current city my first acting job was as a giant daisy, 'Dazz Daisy' who entertained the multitudes. Thank God I was totally unrecognisable in my greenery.

I rode a shopping trolley home once as I broke a heel. I didn't know we would crash into a neighbour's garden

I detested the guy who once took me to the drive-in to see a movie. He soon asked, "Would you like to hop in the back." I played dumb. "No", I replied, "I would rather sit in the front with you."

Invited to a church service one evening I accidentally walked into the men's toilets on recess. It did not occur to me until I hit the cubicles that I had just walked past 6 men at the urinals....."Look calm,,,don't panic", I muttered to myself....I strutted out so casually, in the hope they would think I may be an angel....descending from above. I fainted once outside.

Copyright © 2009 Blondepoet