Goodbye To Rape And Hello To Love Again

Where Do I Begin?

So I have finally decided to document this moment in my life, that I never thought I would speak about. I honestly don't know why it is so.

"When you feel like giving up Just remember what kept you holding on for so long."

Both my parents are aware of the attack but not of what happened. I don't think my Father knew how to deal with it, so we never spoke a word about that horrific night. My Mother had walked out a few years previous, so she wasn't in the scene. I have not seen her for a few years now, she does not call and I in turn do not call her. I remember around five years ago, I tried to tell her what happened to me but she walked away.

'I love my Mother despite everything.It just slices through my heart.Does she think of me?'

There are no fancy words in this story just the simple words that spill from my heart. I never had any counselling from my experience, no help all. No-one to lift the heavy burden off my heart.I had no choice yet again in my life, but to recover from this myself. As you know I later developed Anorexia and the years before that many suicide attempts.

"What killed me is I just wanted someone to listen to my pain. Just one person after this happened, just to hold me and feel my pain One small voice to say "How much you have suffered but you will be alright."

*Below is a video I put together myself which tells the story of my rape, with a few real images of myself thrown in as well. Please view the video as it really is an important part of my story here. This movie means a lot to me in many ways.

Please know that this is not a sad story

I have no more pain inside you see, all the hurts have been swept away, by tears that never slept for what seemed to be an eternity. This is truly a VICTORY STORY, that could be yours just as it became mine.

Most importantly it is a story of the 'healing of one tiny little heart , that once lay crippled and afraid.......'

'Let go of what kills you and hold on to what keeps you breathing'.

THE RAPE

I was only fourteen when they raped me. I was laying innocently with my boyfriend on the beach late one night. I should never have been there, NEVER. Rebelling against my Father who would not let me out that night, I decided to go anyway when I knew he was asleep.

The stars were so beautiful that night as we lay there close together, I had no preparation or premonition of trouble at all.

Suddenly two men appeared from the shadows, and pounced down on us. Fear struck my heart instantly, the beautiful night slurring into darkness around me. Within seconds my innocence was lost. No time to say goodbye to the end of my child-hood.

'Is this my time to die, yet again.Why does everything happen to me?'

Repeatedly one at a time they dragged me into long grass, a knife held to my throat as they raped me. One would savage my body while the other stayed with my boyfriend beating him when the urge arose.This went on for two hours as layer by layer my pride, my youth, my heart was stripped from me.

'I prayed inside where no one could hear,"Save me, save us, I have never been more afraid in my life."

With my dignity severed, and fear gripping me heart I hoped it was over. However it had only just begun. For the next two hours I was thrown back with my boyfriend again raped, humiliated, as we were tied together naked. There was no hope of escape, no-where to hide as the torment and assault continued on.

Suddenly, as quickly as it began it was over. As they walked away, I began to tremble as tears flooded my eyes.

'I WAS ALIVE AND THAT WAS ALL THAT SUDDENLY MATTERED. I NOW BELIEVED IN MIRACLES '

Healing

One sad part of everything though is I can't remember a lot of my childhood either. No matter how I try so hard to bring it back, it's just not there.I wish I could remember. My sister also had lost her memories a few years later.

While I was recovering from Anorexia, it caused me to look at a lot of what was going on inside me. I guess it came down to the fact that I was standing at the cross-roads of life. I could choose to keep walking down the road of destruction or take the road of where my life was meant to go.

I realized that somehow I had to let things go that were holding me back. I did not want to live my life in misery, fear and anger . The first step would be to forgive the rapists inside myself. That by no way meant saying what they did was not horrendous, and it does not mean ever liking them in any shape or form. However if you have unforgiveness in your life, it can eat away at your heart like acid, and destroy so much of your life. So I forgave.

'The healing from truly forgiving is enormous if you really mean it in your heart'.

I just kept coming back to my miracle that I had been spared from death. Why not embrace it and live my life to the fullest.I had been given another chance, why waste it. Life is so damn precious.

'They may break my body but they will never take my spirit'.

Open your eyes my sweet one,

Is that not the sun you see,

Look at how the seagulls,

Soar so high and free.

See the hills beyond the pass,

With fields so vast and green?,

With daffodils and golden soil,

Where once lived childhood dreams.

Rise and stand upon your feet,

No longer will you crawl,

For you have climbed these mountains,

After many downhill falls.

Close your eyes and picture,

Think back to seasons bright,

When your weren't afraid of darkness,

As you danced the morning light.

See that girl inside you,

Who dreamed so many dreams,

With many roads to travel,

To places never seen.

You never were to blame,

For the horror you went through,

It was the evil heart of others,

That killed off part of you.

They took away so many things,

The things no-one should take,

But it's time for you to take it back,

For your own precious sake.

Reflections

'If I had never known such hardships in my life I would never fully understand what you are enduring now.'

I can now honestly say there is no pain when I think back to this rape.Somehow I have managed to separate myself from the horror of it by forgiving, positive thinking and living my life to the best I can. I think in a way by having such hardships and trials it has made me a better person, as I appreciate the good times so much more.

It certainly has not affected my ability to love, if anything, I have become the opposite. I love to love and my heart is incredibly soft. I guess I am stronger than I give myself credit for. The way I think is that there comes a time to grieve and a time to let go.

For everyone it is different when it can be done. I am probably one of the most happy go lucky people you will ever meet. To look at me now you would never guess my past. My life is a celebration of life and I never look back.

'I believe in miracles'.

THIS IS MY CELEBRATION STORY, MY CELEBRATION STORY

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