- Entertainment and Media
Humor - The Perversity of the Universe
This is a real sign in Canada! Perversed Universe!
The Perversity of the Universe
“The perversity of the universe tends toward the extreme.” This is a paraphrasing of a Larry (Ringworld) Nivenz quote. I find it quite apropos in my case.
You see, I am a writer. I put little, squiggly lines on paper that others look at, decipher, and process for content. Sometimes those squiggly lines communicate a very important point to my valuable readers, but—more often than not—they usually send the message: “This guy may need therapy or, at least, heavy medication.”
This being a very good possibility, I tell you that the perversity of the universe has driven me here.
I originally trained to be a highly skilled hamburger construction specialist while I did my best to break into music and film. Being from a small town where the only other person interested in my dreams was my best friend and co-conspirator, Steve, I had little to no chance of getting anywhere with either the music or film. (Although I did break into song quite a bit while washing dishes in the kitchen of my place of business.) Of course, there were rarely any talent agents hiding in the cupboards waiting to discover me. There was that one time, though…
Through all of my MANY different lines of work (moderately speedy food cook, butcher shop cleaner, car salesman (used and new), real estate salesman, insurance salesman, language program salesman, Amway distributor (twice!), graphic artist, computer repair specialist, network management, camp assistant, actor… (Did I mention my sales experience?) I was doing work that I didn’t really like and I was doing it because I thought I had to.
So, one day, while in the study reading the collective works of Shakespeare (okay, so it was in the loo reading Dave Barry), I realized something; someone had forgotten to get a new roll of toilet paper. No, wait! What I really thought was; “I can do this job!” (Humor writing, that is.)
I have been told that humor columns are not all fun and games, and that it actually takes a little more work than say, building the pyramids of Egypt.
Well, this is a ruse perpetrated by humor columnists to keep people out of the Highly Lucrative field of writing humor columns. It is, in all reality, MUCH more work than building the pyramids, but you don’t get the whole “whip on the hinny” thing to keep you motivated. (My motivation is a wife that has this thing for her habitual behavior: habitually eating three meals a day, habitually putting gas in the car, habitually paying rent for our cozy little apartment.) Anyone who has ever been married to a person with “needs” knows that whips don’t hold a candle to what you can get hit with if you aren’t performing as well as expected by your Honey (the last thing I recall was vaguely the size of a Volkswagen Minibus. In fact it may HAVE been a Volkswagen Minibus. It’s a vague recollection that came to me during my recuperation in Hospital.
So, with these thoughts in mind (and a good stiff Caribbean lager going to my head), I make my way upon these rocky inroads through the heavily traveled world of—Ta-da!—humor columnry. (Another absolutely cool thing about humor writing is that you get to make up words that may, or may not mean something, and nobody complains. At least you get to ignore it unless it’s funny.)
I also have a bit of a soft spot for humor. The heretofore and previously mentioned Dave Barry’s writings got me through some pretty rough times while in the Philippines (never have ice cubes in your soda! It’s not safe! The only up side to the garnish of amoebas with your meal is the rapid weight loss. It’s just too bad it doesn’t end when you have lost all the weight you feel you actually wanted to lose. I was so sick I think I actually felt some of my major organs dissolving).
With Mr. Barry’s example before me and the bright, inviting horizons of possibilities ahead of me, I boldly step into this thing we call the future! I just hope I don’t forget to take my medications.
Do you want to see more content from me? Be honest, this is for posterity.
Are these Daleks in disguise in Seattle's China Town?
Whether or not you chose "yes", I'm still writing more on this Hub because it says it is not "evergreen" (whatever that means--sounds like HubPages is trying to go "all natural".)
But, that's Okay. I don't mind. It means I get to ramble on a bit more about stuff that simply doesn't make much difference.
I have, however been watching for more content to come from Mr. Dave Barry. He is still writing, still (as far as I know) playing in the Rock Bottom Remainders band with Stephen King and others, and still being (probably unintentionally) funny as he has done for decades.
Accident or not, I am still glad he is around.
I really wish I could meet him, but I don't think he would be interested since I want his job.
Of course, although he may love his job, I know that he will not want to be doing it forever. It is very hard to write with zombie fingers (so I'm told, but I have it on the highest of authorities).
So, maybe someday, I will meet him face-to-face or in hand-to-hand combat, and we will have a beer and talk about the difference between his two-dog writing method and my one-and-a-half cat writing method. (Don't know what that is? Well, you'll just have to buy Mr. Barry's books and find out. You should only have to buy two or three of them before you find the reference.)
I stated it in the main body of this Hub, but I shall reiterate it again here, I really owe a lot to Dave Barry. Not only did his works get me through some tough times while ailing physically, but he has shown me that creativity can be subverted and imitated if enough beer is involved.
I am not a big beer drinker--I prefer the 12 oz size to the 40 oz ones. I am not a connoisseur of beer (in fact, until chided by auto correct in this paragraph, I didn't even know how to spell "connoisseur") I am, however, all for using 1,200 words in a Hub to make sure that I establish the "evergreen" status so that my readers will have more brain-filling content to consume and, more importantly, I will get more revenue from the pages and be featured on HubPages.com.
Hey! I may ENJOY writing, but I (to go way back in vague reference land) 'gotsta get paid!'
Therefore, I am going through all of my Hubs and finding ways to stretch the word count and readability. (By readability, I really only mean word count. I have to be honest. Also, yes, it was me that ate the last donut and drank straight from the milk carton. Sorry, but I said I had to be honest.)
Now, I'm not going to be TOTALLY lame and just write the same words over and over again. Now, I'm not going to be TOTALLY lame and just write the same words over and over again. Now, I'm not going to be TOTALLY lame and just write the same words over and over again. Now, I'm not going to be TOTALLY lame and just write the same words over and over again.
Not too many times any way.
I shall, however add content that I hope will brighten someone's day or give them something to think about that they may not have thought about before. (There are billions of bacteria ALL OVER and IN you at this very second!)
I do hope to make the Hubs better and not just longer.
By the time I get done with these modification, I could have written several new Hubs, but I think it is better to rehash old stuff with new packaging than to be original. (Am I right Hollywood and Microsoft?)
Well, I think I have reached my necessary word count for this Hub. I look forward to seeing you again in the next one.
I wish you all happiness and contentment (and I mean that)!
A turkey. Exactly what I hope I'm NOT turning my Hubs into.
I don't know what a Callout is.
Helloooooooooooooooooo! Echo cho cho cho cho! View Halloooo!