10 Worst Riveting Movies
These Are the Absolute Worst Movies I 'Ere Seen.
And I've seen a lot of movies in my life... over 150 of them! I know you're Impressed. Yes, you're right, this makes me an authority on the matter. It's science. I'm actually not an expert critic, but I can tell you how these movies made me feel. Trust me. I'm also tall and attractive and that makes me your leader unless you are taller and more attractive, which is not likely. Anyone taller than me is too tall and that makes them ugly. Besides, I have a deep voice. Now that I've cleared the air...
Something made me watch these ten all the way through. There are, of course, much worse movies out there that I'd never choose to start. Even if, I'd turn it off or walk out.
If only I could send a message to the past to child me, "Future you says 20 hours of cinematic awfulness must be avoided!". I plead, use this list before it's too late! Choose wisely or randomly, either way is better. I suggest ones with the most unforgettably awesome villains or these youtube videos that will make you smile, or even music videos that will expand your mind.
Quint Impression by Dana Carvey (Master of Disguise)
JAWS 2, 3, 4 the Revenge (1978-)
Take everything that was great about JAWS and let it resemble a nice fish. The sequels are chum, 3-D chum, and rotten chum.
JAWS sequels all attracted me like a shark to a nice meal, like blood in the water. But when you watch them you realize all you are getting is chum (no good parts, just scraps chopped into an unrecognizable sludge). Our hero from JAWS is no longer the family man protagonist, now he's a depressed alcoholic who is slowly self-destructing his life in front of his family.
Chief Brody degrades into a train wreck of a man, in contrast to the sharks. It's not a Great White, Chief. It's a super duper Greater White. Behind their black doll's eyes, the devised and developed abilities to attack helicopters, outswim planes, and GPS. Chief, they can even track people in the warm waters of the Bahamas. Their eyes roll over white still, but now they've begun to roar like lions, Chiefy.
Jaws 2+ are the pariah of all blockbuster sequels in my mind. The bad aftertaste of the sequels were like barrels harpooned to my side. Why'd they kill Quint?
Come back to this video in an emergency for immediate relief of depression.
"The Butler" is Oprah's respectable attempt to make up for the cinematic abomination that is anything but "Beloved". Sure, there is a commentary of the horrors of slavery that will be ugly anyway you portray it, but this film goes overboard and with bad acting all the way.
15 years after this bomb of a movie Oprah (THE iconic media mogul with a golden touch Oprah) stayed clear of film projects. The aftertaste was so bad it put Oprah (a guru of self-help) into a depression. Let's be clear, the super-successful Oprah failed so badly with a movie so terrible it destroyed her film ambitions for 1.5 decades, and put a multi-millionairess superstar media-magnate into a "deep" depression. Watching this movie once will put you into a deep depression, but since it is not of your creation you are more likely to recover after a few days.
Meet the Feebles (1989) by PETER JACKSON (yeah, the Lord of the Rings dude)
Muppet-style puppets engaged in debauchery, infidelity, drug addiction, extortion, robbery, disease, drug dealing, and violent murdering of each other. And it's a musical. One song is about sodomy. Even if you have a dark sense of humor, this much macabre perversion is likely too much, and getting the images and song themes out of your head is a task one should not choose to undertake.
The movie is akin to a radiation burn. If you could scrape it off with a wire brush from your bare skin you'd do it no matter how much it hurts.
The now legendary but then obscure Peter Jackson directed this movie.and somehow was awarded the contract to do all three big-budget LOTR movies. Fans of LOTR and Hobbit films beware. You think nothing is so gross as Gollum? Feebles might scar you for life.
Some laugh it off. Do you think you can? I thought I could. But I was wrong. Morbid curiosity drawing you in? Watch it if you lack a moral compass and have a twisted sense of humor. But kiss your fond memories of the Muppets goodbye.
The Tin Drum (Die Blechtrommel, 1979, Germany)
German government-funded movies are typically horrible alone, but wartime depression ones are the worst. But this one's special because:
- there is a scene involving a severed, decomposing horse head bait trap infested with eels.
- eels are shown being beaten to death against a table
- eels are eaten with enhanced sound effects.
- eels are used by a character to commit suicide by suddenly ramming them down her own throat.
- Underage girl does the horizontal dance with an older, grown man uncensored, who is her relative [cousin?] living in the same house (it's art... whatever it's not appropriate).
- The protagonist-hero refused his body to age since he was 3 years old by a suicidal act
- He sleeps with the underage girl (also his relation, a cousin)
- rambling plot threads
- Additional incestual sex scenes, which are the only happy endings in the movie
- Terrible music, yelling, and screaming
Ladies and Gentleman, The Award-Winning Tin Drum.
I had to watch this movie TWICE as a mandatory requirement, it was required in TWO separate classes. I almost forgot about it, but I saw it's available all over the USA. Why? Bitte, nein! Nicht mehr! Lassen sie diesen Film doch sterben!
- Worst CGI perhaps ever. Hulk is cartoonish, has no apparent mass, changes scale relative to background over and over. His pants change with him.
- Jennifer Connelly, the Audrey Hepburn of our time, is the belle of the film... and still it is horrible. It didn't ruin her career, but that's a testament to her ability alone.
- One of the most bland and forgettable origin plot versions of the Hulk.
- Contains little from the great comic-based plots from which to choose.
- Unrecognizable when compared to the Avengers.
There's Stan Lee on one side of the universe, and Ang Lee on the other. Between the two Lees is the super-thinly stretched concept of this movie, which should never have been approved for release, I don't care how big of a budget it has, how awesome Jennifer Connely is, and how much we love the Hulk, which we still do despite this movie.
What's worse than graphic wanton violence to open a movie? To have the rest of the movie involve systematic assassinations to "equal the score." When Liam Neeson does it it works. This movie makes you feel worse for the wear. The depression at the end outweighs the depression of the beginning. Even the killers find no satisfaction serving the cold dish of revenge.
Into the Wild (2007)
A movie about senseless self-exile, the pain of the family left behind, vain attempt for survival and the crushing defeat of the senseless death in the depressing wilderness of Alaska. It took me 5 years to resume watching independent movies resembling anything like this turd.
A Clockwork Orange (1971)
It's everything I hate about Stanley Kubrick movies. It is the reason I have a vomit-reflex reaction to any movie set in the future that was made in the 70's and early 80's. It is the reason I couldn't enjoy Bladerunner. Anything similar in setting and tone to this voyeuristic shock violence can't pass as entertainment for me, ever. Thank God for Star Wars.
I know this movie is a favorite among my circle of friends. I don't get it. Brainwashing torture-porn that makes you question your belief in the goodness of humanity. For me, it was aversion-therapy to Kubrick movies until Full Metal Jacket came out. In a word, twisted.
Pet Sematary (1989)
Take the cutest toddler, make the audience fall in love with his cuteness, then have him get fatally run over by a huge truck (my older brother commented: Awww poor truck). One thing leads to another and he's a zombie killing the family who loved him with an exacto-knife. Sprinkle in shriveled shrieking dead and dying characters running at the camera or walking slowly at someone they should love, and have it all end badly with a horrible scream. Thanks a lot, Steven King. It will be years before cleansing one's self of this experience.
If You Don't Heed My Warning...
If morbid curiosity gets the best of you, and you have no control, and you can't help yourself, then don't be surprised if this happens.
Howard the Duck (1986)
Howard the Duck is the original chink in the Armor of George Lucas. Think of it as a foreshadowing of Jar-Jar Binks. The title is written in a neat font that resembles Indiana Jones and the Raiders of the Lost Ark. It has Lea Thompson in it. And that's about all the good things I have to say about it. Oh yeah, I successfully wiped the entire movie from my active memory. So it is bad enough and bland enough to warrant that amazing feat, so it could have been worse even if it were slightly better. Did you follow my logic?
Update 6/12/2014: thanks to a reader (I love my readers unconditionally), I was reintroduced to "Howard" via a video of 10 disturbing scenes including DUCK BOOBS, Lea Thompson going for it with the duck, and others... I... can't... re-initiating memory-wipe process in 3... 2... 1...
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